costume madness and basketball fun

To dress the baby up, or not to dress the baby up. That was the question.

Of course a baby in a costume is just an adorable thing, isn't it? Their little bodies unable to escape whatever element of fabric torture you have deemed appropriate. It can be fun in a very evil sort of way.

But then comes the dollars and sense of it, do you really need to bother with a costume for a baby too young to go out, so that all you get out of it are pictures??

I am evil.

However, baby boy pulled his own shenanigans when I pulled out the on sale pumpkin get-up I selected for this year's torture. I already had a duck costume, but Baby Boy wore it last year and I couldn't bring myself to recycle it just yet. Thus the frantic pawing through discount costumes at the local tarjeeeeee.

First time I put it on him I almost peed myself laughing. In my rush to buy buy buy and get the hell out of the crowd of fellow last minute get-up purchasers, I failed to realize the cute little pumpkin outfit had no legs. It was one big pillow case! No so conducive for an on the move baby....

Once in the outfit, he rolled around on the couch, both looking amused and confused. Had I not been crossing my legs, I would've thought to get the damn camera. I suppose I also figured I'd get a similar reaction when putting it on for the real day.

On hallows eve, I pulled out the pumpkin and Sweet Pea made a crawling break for it. Caught him, got hubby's assistance, but the wiggle worm was having none of it.

So other than the initial laugh, it was ten bucks down the crapper.

Not even a picture.... Oh well.

We were given this basketball toy a while back and for awhile he showed no interest. I lent it to my neighbor as her boys were older and liked playing with balls, but they tired of it quickly. Back it came.

I put it in what used to be our family room (now a giant toy yard/minefield of painful things to step on) and a few days later he decided it looked like fun. As there were no balls that came with it, we had to improvise with his letter blocks.

He stands in front of it and puts the blocks into the basket. The toy itself counts and claps, and he yells and waves his arms around after every 'shot'.

He's also into walking and has taken his first few steps. He toddles around with this little push toy, but gets upset when he runs into the walls. So his laps back and forth become our laps back and forth as we must be there to direct traffic.

He pulls up on anything and everything. His favorite things at the moment are looking out the front window when the dog does (I have these pics but not downloaded of the camera yet), and pulling on the bar stools.

With the stools, he does this little dance to get them to move just a little (they are heavy) and they make this farting kind of noise on the tile. Then he giggles at his achievement.

I think he looks like Elvis when he dances around like that.

HEY! HE CAN BE ELVIS NEXT HALLOWEEN!!!!!

This assuming he's still here.

now and then

This was taken last week. SP was playing with this toy train that we've had for some time and he never showed much interest in it. My Mom and I were on the couch and suddenly heard his giggling his head off. He was amusing himself playing with the wheels, laughing hysterically for about 15 minutes (a life time for a baby to play with anything).

I love the way he was doing his own thing but still managed to ham for the camara.

He's pulling up on everything now and loves to play with the dog door. Only fallen through once, purely on accident. The dog likes to lay right on the other side and watch the baby drool all over the glass. You can see my Dad's hand coming through the dog door in this shot. He was making funny noises from the other side and SP thought that was toooooo funny.

Why MY mouth is open, I don't know. Blame Pavlov.

Out to dinner for birthdays and got the free dessert; brownie with vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce drizzled all about.

I gave the boy a taste of the ice cream (I like to let him explore new things, only to take them away I guess since he's not had sweets before or since). He was quite happy with the ice cream, so I thought I'd see what the chocolate drizzle did for him. I awakened a sleeping chocoholic. My oh my. He Fah-reaked out! It was funny at first, all that jumping up and down and squeeling, but not so much when mommy decided that was enough and he was climbing over everyone to try and get just another taste of that decadent brown goo......

Eventually had to cover it with a napkin and pass him over to my Mom to redirect~

This is SP the first week we had him (2 1/2 months old). I downloaded these shots off of my Mom's camara last week and was saddened and elated by this and similar other pictures.

He wouldn't make eye contact, no smiling or engaging of any kind. Very alert, but seemingly in his own little happy place. It broke my heart this little thing had already had to check out.

I am amazed how different he is today. Mr. Happy Pants most of the time. Of course we're currently in the whining and fake crying to get attention phase, but that aside he's not the same boy.

And it make me very happy to know I had a hand in that.

Recently I've been struggling with what I want in life. It's not just my wants, but my limits that are in question.

Some days I want to save the world one child at a time. Who cares if my heart breaks again, if I pour all I have into a little vessel that will float away....... they need someone. Why not me?

Other days I remember the ache when Baby Boy left and wonder if I could take it again. I think maybe there's a reason I'm infertile. That at some point, one must call it a day and move on.

Suffice it to say today's a save the world day. This is also attributed to watching CSI and there was a murdered woman who's 2 year old daughter was missing. She was in a casino daycare and crying. All I could think of was 'I could take her'. That poor little girl.

And there are so many of these kids with too much history and not enough love. If I can maintain some focus, maybe, just maybe, I could BE that person that helps. Even if it breaks my heart a little.

so that's who I'm talking about

Introducing...............


SWEET PEA!!





Top pic taken in July, above taken in August. He now has two top teeth about half way out and grinds his top and bottom teeth together. It's the most horrific noise EVER. Worse then nails on a chalkboard~


It's only a matter of time before he's walking. He started crawling, climbing, and standing in the same day. Quite a feat! Would have been a happier moment if he had some balance to go along with the determination!



Now he stands on his own all the time. Walks around things while hanging on and has tried to take a step or two. It will soon be time to tackle some serious child proofing as I can foresee he will be into everything.....





This weekend will be a daddy weekend as mommy is heading to beautiful Sedona with a couple of her mommy friends. Alert the emergency rooms, there will be three daddies on child duty this weekend (0:


Mommy will be drinking some wine in a hot tub, taking a leisurely hike, window shopping (AKA making fun of high priced artsy fartsy stuff that wouldn't last 20 minutes in my house even if I could afford any of it), and even a trip to a spa for a massage.


I know, I know. It's going to be sooooooo hard.
I have a feeling the ladies will find it in themselves to strap on our big girl panties and deal with it.



Let's hope the daddies are able to do the same!

going private

I have become a bad bad blogger.
I realize many things I have in my head have already been said.
I'm a poet, now you know it!

I seriously digress.

I am going to make this blog private so that I can post pictures of the baby. He's really the center of it all, so it seems to do so would be a better use of blog space.

If you'd like to be included when I swith over (in a couple of weeks) send me an e-mail so I can make sure you're able to get on and see the cuteness......... and the baby of course (haha).

Doing foster care when you want to adopt is like leasing a car.
It's not really yours, although you get to keep it all the time. You care for it, fill it with gas, store it at your own house, but any moment it could be reposessed.
Or you could just decide you don't want to purchase it and LET them have it back.

I still find myself plagued by infertility woes. I have cycles in which I feel as though I am not meant to parent, that nature showed me the path and I am trying to get around her.
Of course the other side of the argument is those women who can have children and simply shouldn't. Those fertile myrtles who abuse, well, anything and everything.
As I am not one of those, I am pretty well blinded by the initial ideal that mother nature interceded where she sees fit and maybe the bitch should get the last word.

There are many days I wonder what would happen if I accepted my barren-ness and gave up the quest for an alternate route.
Sleeping in every weekend. Going on trips whenever with little to no planning. Going to the movies. Not having toys and crap all over my house.
There are times these thoughts are quite enticing.

If I had a biological child, I don't think these thoughts would be so prevalent. They would exist, of course, because I know so so many parents who are exhausted and joke around about 'the time before children took over their lives'. However the lingering option to give up would not be there. There wouldn't be a real alternate. The car is bought, the papers are signed, you now owe for the rest of your life.

But I am in a lease. And should the reposession take place, there is nothing I can do about it. And I think about this a lot.

Would letting mother nature win cost me my marriage? Hubs says he wants children, but some of his future plans don't truly include them. Traveling all the time and being a weekend parent often feels (to me) like an out for him. Even now he parents maybe an hour a day during the week and a few more on weekends. The bulk of the responsibility and time is mine alone. Thus how much would removing the parenting role effect him?

I question my own motives. Why do I want a child? What do I want for my life in general?
Sometimes I picture myself living in a small cottage off the grid. Gardening, working in a small town. In this scenario I am perfectly content and yet I am always alone.

Someone once said the following and I carry the thought with me always:

In life, I regret the things I did not do more then the things I did and maybe should not have.

I don't think you can get through a good life without regrets. It wouldn't be living if you did. You'd have done nothing. No risk, no loss, no expectations, no passion.
At the end of the day I still feel as though I am standing at this cross roads. With infertility I had to wait for the doctor to push me down a path. Now I wait for the system to give me a shove.
And then I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens if they really do show up and repo the goods. It will definitely move me down another path, but the push might have the force of a mac truck, injuring me past recovery.

be still my beating heart

This post title is two fold.
First off, the DHEA is making my heart race. I dropped down to 25mg twice a day instead of three times and will see if I can chill out for awhile. So far I can't tell it's doing anything, then again, I'm not sure I'll really see any effects. I bought a three month supply and will stick to it. After those 90 days I may call it another failed experiment and move on.

Second off, biomom went AWOL from outpatient treatment.
Evil **YEAY*** inserted here.
CM came by for a visit and mentioned she was going to have to do a drop-in to one of mom's visits because she hasn't made contact with mom. Stated she's sent letters and tried calling her at the outpatient facility. no response. I thought this was strange because mom isn't like that. I dismissed it.
Then the worker who does his visits mentioned she had difficulty contacting mom to confirm the visit, and the outpatient facility stated she wasn't there.
I am unclear if she was never there or if she went and left.
Either way it goes against her treatment plan.

As a CM, EVERY parent I had that didn't follow their plan relapsed.
EVERY ONE.

So now I hope, which is sad, but oh well. I'm over feeling guilty for wishing bad things on a bad parent. If her relapsing means I get to keep my Sweet Pea, I'll wish on every star in the galaxy. After all, she's an adult who can make her own decisions. So really, no amount of my wishing will have any real effect, but it will sure make me feel better!

Not much else to report. He's teething again but nothing I can see so far. I think it's his top teeth working their way down.
Started on solids and he's a piggy. Sometimes worry he eats too much!
He loves the mesh baggy.... I've put peaches in it, which he pulverized, but mostly the toddler poofs. He likes to chew on them and then sucks on it once they are mush. He screams when it's gone or he drops it. He's still got some kind of short circuit on his hand eye coordination. Like he does not realize he can hold onto it and put it in his own mouth. Instead, he will sit there like a bird with his mouth wide wide wide open until you put it in there for him.
It's quite comedic. I think he's just being a lazy daisy.

I can't believe I'm sooooo far behind on the blog.
And I have no excuse.
So I will not bother with any.

Let's see if I can sum up the past -almost- month for any of you still checking in here~

On Friday the 13th, SP (Sweet Pea) stopped crying at the visit. Initially, I chocked it up to the date. But then the next week he was quiet again.
So I let the girls who supervise the visits (they are not parent aides, not with CPS, just dummies for hire who 'supervise' the visits while texting and doing absolutely NOTHING so I don't know what to call them other then the girls who supervise the visits (and I use supervise ever so lightly)) I would no longer be transporting SP.

One girl was cool, the other not so much. Tried to talk me into transporting one way giving me a sob story about how she was coming from far away and may not have time to pick him up and make it to the visit on time. I politely informed her that the only reason I transported until now was SP's unexplained screaming. Now that he was his normal happy self, I no longer desired to spend money on gas, put miles on my car, or use any of my time.

Although I must admit that for all my talk about asserting yourself, I kind took a chicken approach and mentioned the above reasons, but put a lot of emphasis on the fact that mom doesn't want me at the visits so I'd really like to take myself out of the equation entirely. Which is true, but let's face it, I seriously could give a shit what bio-mom thinks.
Anyhoo.

So the boy goes to visits with bio-mom and siblings two days in a row, two hours a time. This gives me about 3 hours of alone time two days in a row to splurge and do stuff. You know, like mopping the floor. Uninterrupted. Woo hoo.

Nothing else new on the case part of things. Mom still in in-patient, still has yet to test her sober legs in the real world. Still a lot of work to be done, a lot more time to bond with SP hoping she screws up.

SP is rolling over all the time, often when he doesn't really mean or want to. This also happens at night, which is really exciting when he wakes up all freaked out and screaming because he can't flip back over.
I know this will pass, we went through it with baby boy.

He's 6 months old as of yesterday and has 2 teeth on the bottom. Early for this development.
He loves loves loves going swimming and we're in the pool almost every evening. So much so that my hubs thought to ask "When's the last time SP had a bath?"
hmmmmmmmm. Isn't his 30 minute dip in our saltwater pool a bath? He doesn't come out smelling quite as good, but........

He goes underwater, floats, splashes and jumps. And all the while smiling like a fool! Water baby for sure.
The jumping spread from the pool to the indoors, where sadly, gravity has a much stronger pull. my poor thighs are black and blue, and a ghastly shade of white, but that's natural.
Into the jumperoo you go!
Now he jumps in the jumperoo, and will fall asleep with his little legs still going. It's so cute!

What else.....
Transitioned him from the swings to the crib for naps, am able to put him in the crib awake and walk away and he'll go to sleep on his own.
Food.

As he turned 6 months, he's officially able to start on food. Let me tell ya, this kid acts like he's been starving to death for the past 6 months.
Actually grabbed the spoon in my hand to shove it in his mouth quicker. Whined between bites because I wasn't fast enough.
I have a feeling we'll be transitioning from the oatmeal to REAL baby food in record speed.

As for me, I started taking DHEA. Read a bunch of fairly recent studies on it's positive effects on egg productivity, so I figured I'd give it a shot.
What's really interesting is the first two side effects are fatigue and acne.
So what you're telling me is that I may have better egg production but I'll be too tired and disgusting looking to want to have sex.
Yeeeeah. Great.
Thus far have definitely gotten the fatigue part. I sleep like a log and am tired all the time. Also got the acne, which is not so great, either.
Both are getting better, and I hope they will continue to do so, or I may just forget it.

There have been several people picked for adoption recently and we're considering that route. We aren't making any decisions for at least 6 months because it will take at least that long to see what's going to happen with SP's case. If we find out he's 99% sure going back to mom, I'll go back to work ~ to make that 30 grand a private adoption will cost us. SP will go to daycare, paid for by the state, which is fine b/c if he goes to mom he'll be in daycare, anyway.
I'll make some money (very slowly since I don't get paid didly as a social worker) and we'll get on the waiting list.

I must admit it feels good to have a plan B. I have lost some faith in the system, so I need something else. I already knew about the system flaws, but truly thought my connections would pay off somehow and we'd get a permanent placement more quickly. Oh well.
And plan C is still to find that one good egg hiding up in there somewhere. I haven't let go of the pregnancy dream. It's not a major focus, but not out of my system.

too much time on my hands

I've always been a bit of a daydreamer. OK. That's an understatement. I am a major daydreamer. Being creative makes it all the more interesting. Being a stay at home parent makes it all the more frequent.

This week I've been having a reoccurring fantasy that I lose my memory. Car accident, slip and fall walking, the damage comes in different forms. Some of the time I am hurt and in the hospital, some of the time I am fine except for the brain damage. Every once in awhile I take it a step further and imagine I lost 50lbs and all my wrinkles disappeared.....

Then I have to find out who I am by finding out who I was. I send out a group e-mail to everyone in my contact list asking for people to volunteer their time to fill me in.

But really, I HAVE my memory. This is a ploy to find out what people really think about me. To see why ex boyfriends are, well, exed. To find out why I don't talk to this friend anymore and why the other one still puts up with me.

Some of the time I truly lose my memory and have to start over. I have to decide if the new me still loves my husband, wants to do foster care or even have children, etc etc.

I know there's been movies about this sort of thing and a few TV shows, but it's all new and genuine when it's scripted in my head.

How about you. What's your daydream/fantasy? Either your current or favorite, inquiring minds want to know~

good, bad, ugly

Today was the first visit between Sweet Pea and his mom without my presence.
We have good news and bad news.

Good news~
The girl who transported and supervised is awesome. She was at one of the visits a while back in which he screamed the entire time, so she knew the potential for meltdown. We discussed it in advance and she understood why I was concerned. OK. not just understood. She acknowledged it.

***That sounds stupid but other foster parents can attest that acknowledgement of our concerns is hard to come by.***

She asked some good questions, including how Sweet Pea is with strangers. I had to say that I didn't know. I am always with him! If I'm not with him, he's with my husband, and then usually at home. So I wasn't sure how he'd do even with her.
I sent toys and stuff to keep him occupied and distracted.
I put him in his own car seat.
He had a long nap and a big bottle right before leaving for the visit.
He was in a great mood.

Bad news~
Mom was 40 minutes late.
He screamed within 60 seconds of her arrival.
He continued to scream the rest of the visit.

Back to the good news~
He didn't cry in the car.
He was laughing and playing with the case aide before mom's arrival.
This shows that sadly, he hates his mom. She is the only person that he freaks out about.
The case aide is documenting all of this.
She told me mom kept making her comments that 'he needs to get to know me again' (she did this all the time with me and I just kept my big mouth shut) and the case aide called her on it. She told her he'd never even seen her before and was perfectly fine. mom cried.

The ugly~
So yeah, it's sad he had to be traumatized by the visits. But I cannot tell you how peaceful it feels knowing it's not me, it's her.
I kinda feel like an asshole.
But not really.

We'll see how it goes from here. I know they will continue to do the one hour visit with just Sweet Pea and Mom, but no word on how the 2 hour visit with all the kids will play out. I just don't see how a single case aide is going to supervise the visit and juggle Sweet Pea while he screams his head off.

And more good news, I think I'm making some progress on self soothing at bedtime. Last night and thus far tonight, he's put himself to sleep. I am knocking on wood and so should you. Really. Find some wood. Give it a knuckle. Now. Please.

DING DING DING

IIIIIIIInnnnnnnnnnn THIS corner, standing five feet four inches weighing in at I have no idea, it's BIOMOM~

AAAAAAnnnnnnnnnd in THIS corner, standing five feet five inches weighing in at none of your damn business, it's FOSTERMOM~

ding ding ding

***Do you have any children?***

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN BIOMOM HAS TAKEN THE FIRST SWING AND IT'S A DOOZY

***When you do you'll be a great Mom ***

BIOMOM HAS LANDED THE PUNCH! FOSTERMOM IS LOOKING DISORIENTED AND WE'RE ONLY IN THE FIRST ROUND!

IT'S ROUND TWO.... LET'S SEE IF FOSTERMOM CAN COME BACK FROM BIOMOM'S HARD RIGHT HOOK AT INFERTILITY!

***I don't want fostermom coming to visits anymore ***

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN BIOMOM HAS COME OUT SWINGING!

***I don't like that fostermom acts like she's Sweet Pea's Mom when she's not ***

OH NO!!! BIOMOM JUST THREW THE HEART PUNCH OF THE CENTURY!!
FOSTERMOM LOOKS AS THOUGH SHE MIGHT BE OUT OF THE FIGHT!

***Even though Sweet Pea screams the whole visit, won't let me hold him or feed him, and cries when I make eye contact with him, I'm his biomom and I don't have to let fostermom attend ***

AND SHE'S DONE IT!!!! IT APPEARS BIOMOM HAS LEVELED FOSTERMOM WHO IS LAYING ON THE MAT MOTIONLESS!!!
DESPITE HER METHAMPHETAMINE USE WHILE PREGNANT, DESPITE HAVING SEVEN CHILDREN WHO ARE NOT IN HER CARE, DESPITE HAVING THE COMMON SENSE OF AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CHILD........

THERE'S NO TELLING HOW OR IF FOSTERMOM WILL BE ABLE TO COME BACK FROM THIS! THE TEN COUNT HAS BEGUN!
WAIT!!! THERE'S MOVEMENT ON THE MAT!

NEVER MIND LADIES AND GENTLEMAN. THAT COULD POSSIBLY BE THE LAST BITS OF SANITY OR EMOTION SEIZING OUT OF FOSTERMOM'S BODY, OR MAYBE TREMORS OF PAIN FROM THOSE INFERTILITY PUNCHES.

EITHER WAY FOLKS IT'S NOT LOOKING GOOD FOR FOSTERMOM~

can there be a foster parent day instead?

My struggle to find my happy place continues.
I still feel like a fake mother.
I do not wish to acknowledge mother's day as a holiday regarding me. I am not really a mother. Finalize an adoption or give birth. THEN I will feel it.
For now, it does not feel right.

I feel a stretched bond with Sweet Pea. It is nothing like it was with Baby Boy, which is to be expected. I felt in many ways the boy was mine.
I do not share that sentiment regarding Sweet Pea.

Maybe because I've met his mother and did not the boy's. Maybe it's because I'm once bitten twice shy. Maybe I'm already tired.

I continue to experience my fleeting fantasies of walking away from this life to start another. Like this path is damaged or incorrect, and I should cut my losses and see what else there is.
I know I am crazy.

Sweet Pea continues to thrive. He's now got rolls behind his knees and is turning into a total chub. He has started laughing, usually at the strangest things and times.
He is still demanding, screaming when he wants something. Let's hope this is not a life long response!

I finished the boy's scrapbook. I am waiting for confirmation from his CM on MGM's address as she was renting while her burned down house was re-built. I will have nice color copies made for myself, but will sent the book.
I put a lot of work and love into it, but in say 10 years, it will not mean half as much to me as it will to him. I will always love and remember him, but not in a way that justifies keeping this book that's all about, and for, him.

I still take Sweet Pea to his visits. Well, I took him on Thursday and again this Saturday. It's strange not being the one redirecting or leading mom. Hard to put that case manager hat aside. Of course this is further complicated by Mom's burning need to talk with me and update me on everything she's doing. I asked the cm to talk with her about treating me more like furniture. I am there to hold the baby when she is not, and that's it.
As much as I thought I wanted to know about the case, I am finding I actually don't.

I spoke with hubs about it and am going to start pulling away from visits. They will be harder without me there for him, and there may be some difficulties as a result, but I feel I need the separation.
Self preservation. That's kinda my current focus.
I am not a stresser. I do not really get anxiety.
I am full of both, with a side of melancholy depression these days.

I think it's a phase. A normal phase. A late breaking remnant of infertility shit that was bound to happen.
I just wish it would go on it's merry way already.

woe is me

Today was Sweet Pea's first visit with mom. The three other kids were there as well, but I arrived first and had time to talk with mom.
She was open and honest with me about her issues. She thanked me over and over again for taking care of her baby. She remarked how great he looked and how happy she was he was in a good home.
It was quite pleasant compared to so many of the clients I worked with as a CM. Not just their treatment of me as the evil CPS worker, but many of them were just unpleasant all around, even to the foster parents.

The worker supervising the visit was 20 minutes late. When she arrived, she informed me I would have to leave, as would the other foster mom. We were both a bit surprised as Mom was fine with us being there. I told her my concerns with Sweet Pea's adjustment issues and that this was his nap time. She called her supervisor, then said that I needed to get approval from the CM. For now, we would have to go.

I think I counted to 45 in my head before the screaming started.
They had to go outside because of another meeting in the room, so Mom suggested we leave. At least she had the common sense to know a 3 month old in 93 degree heat for an hour is not a good thing.
I had to wait and calm him down before we left or he'd scream the entire ride home. All in all, we were there just under an hour, about 40 minutes of it pleasant.

As a CM I worked with many many foster parents. Most were wonderful, but there were a few who couldn't let go. They argued about almost everything with a reason for every gripe. And even though I knew in my heart they were trying to protect the children in their care, it was annoying. So much so I found myself frequently tuning them out.

I am afraid of becoming one of these.

On the other hand, I am compelled to request some changes for Sweet Pea's sake. Morning visits that don't interfere with his long nap, shorter visits, one on one visits so mom can focus, and also so her visits with the other three older kids she can play with them.

I am quite melancholy this afternoon and I couldn't put my finger on it until a short time ago.

I am torn as a foster parent wanting to adopt.
I am starting to think this may not be a good fit for me.

As a foster parent, our goal HAS TO BE to assist in reuniting children with their parents whenever possible. To ASSIST the state in their goals.
How can I do this when I have my own goals??

Right this moment it popped into my head that I'm a fake mommy.
I know that's stupid, but it's lingering around in there.

Mom made a comment asking if I had any children. I told her no.

She said 'when you do you'll be a great mom'.

most of the shit doesn't stick, but this comment is haunting me.

I don't know why but I feel myself at an emotional cross roads. I feel as though I am in limbo, not becoming anything.
I realize I am doing something wonderful for this little boy.
But what about me?

Who is THIS baby??

I think we've had a break through.

In an effort not to jinx it, everyone take a moment to knock on some wood.

Done?

OK.

For the last 2 nights Sweet Pea has slept for 9 hours straight. To bed around 8, then not up until around 4:45. Since I am not used to it, and neither is hubbs, we were unable to relish in this uninterrupted sleep as we were subconsciously waiting for the howl and when we didn't hear it became restless, finally getting up several times to check to make sure Sweet Pea was still breathing!
After a bottle, he went back to sleep until 7:30. THEN WOKE UP HAPPY!!!!

Now this boy is a screamer. Wakes up - screams. Wants to change position - screams. Decides he is hungry right this very moment - screams.
So to wake up in the morning making little baby noises and just chilling is a major accomplishment.

He is making eye contact like crazy, smiling, self soothing, and playing alone. He is able to lay under the baby einstein mat and play with toys (more like flailing around and sometimes his hands or feet land on the swinging toys).

It's amazing to see how far he's come in a month. I realize some of it is normal development, but so much of it is not. He was so neglected he has become angry and withdrawn at only 2 months old. THIS is what foster kids are often like.

They have finally set up visits. Mom is in an in patient treatment center and is reportedly doing well. I spoke to the other foster parents briefly and the other three kids are doing well. The 2 and 4 year old cry and say they miss their mom. The 10 year old has started opening up about what was happening in the home. Reports mom got a job at a fast food place and would leave him in charge of the kids. Wonderful.

Visits will be twice per week for two hours. I am not so thrilled with this as one visit will be on Saturdays. Not that it's a major family day or anything, but it is when we usually hang out together. Hubbs tends to get home from work late and we don't spend too much time together. Oh well.

For my brief asshole moment (don't judge me) all i am really hoping is mom relapses and/or starts no showing for visits.
*sigh*

At least Sweet Pea is too young to be really effected by the visitation. I will be transporting and have requested I be able to stay during the visit so that if Mom is playing with the other kids I can hold Sweet Pea instead of some stranger.
I feel bad for the other foster parents because I know if the kids are crying for mom now, it's likely to get worse before better after visits.

We're looking forward to our trip next weekend. 3 days in San Francisco! We have a portable bed for the baby (called a pea pod). It's like a miniature pop tent and super cool! Got our 'portable' swing today, jury still out on that one.....
Making sure I've got warm clothes pulled out since it will be colder there - it's already 90 here.

Should be fun and interesting!
If you didn't knock on wood as requested at the beginning of this post, please do so now. I would like to continue my sleep sessions and happy mornings!

TMI

I've recently heard from more then one person that I may share too much info.
I don't disagree.

I've always been the type to speak first think later, especially when not directly confronted with any kind of consequence for my words.

I feel this blog is a place for such honesty. It's my venting place, yes, but more importantly I see it as a place for two things:
1~ for others to see my point of view for whatever it's worth and maybe learn something new.
2~ for me to hear other's point of view and maybe learn something new.

I remember when first searching for other foster blogs hoping to find the dead honest truth about what was going on out there. No sugar coating, just bare bones honesty. Whether good or bad, I want to know. I want to hear about it, try to learn from it, be supportive to someone whenever I can.

I realized from a recent comment there are others just like me. Looking for a blog about 'their life', be it to find anothers perspective or experiences, just a way to KNOW.

I think it is important to be honest about foster care and adoption. Not everything is silver lined clouds.
There are days I feel like I'm doing something good, helping this little guy out at this important time in his life.
There are times I want to give it up, save money and emotion, and be able to go on trips at will without children. Hell, to go to a movie!

There are days I feel at peace about not being able to have my own biological children.
More often then not, I still feel the ache.

There are days I feel that by being adopted myself I can offer up more to a child we adopt.
There are days I feel I am perpetuating a cycle, like adoption is comparable to alcoholism.

There are days I want to walk away from my life and start over. I feel like I missed out on some experiences by never living anywhere else or venturing out on my own.

But every day I know there are others out there having their own days, sometimes good, sometimes bad. Many times doubting ourselves, looking for compassion or understanding from a complete stranger because they are not invested in us personally enough to hold back.

My point is I guess I will continue to write at random, am very likely to say too much, but oh well! I hope to find the same from others, and the blogs I consistently read are the ones that do.
In our lives we have to filter from those we love because we feel we have to shelter them from things, or don't want to burden them with our insecurities or fears or anger.
Here I feel we can all let loose and find some relief in getting as much as possible off our chests. Not that our loved ones and friends wouldn't understand, but at times you just need to rant and rave and curse and bitch and moan and then let it go.

And now that I've done that
hahahahahaha

Sweet Pea is doing remarkably well! The lotion has cleared up his cute little face and his tummy seems better. He's a total pig! Gained one pound in 5 days! He's night and day from his first week here, so much more comfortable.
He is pretty serious and doesn't smile often. But he is making eye contact and continues to 'talk' with us.
Last night he slept an entire 7 hours! YEAY!!!! He was only up once (3AM) before up for good at 6:15. Definite progress......

Nothing from the CM or anyone else. Sent CM 2 e-mails, no response. No visits, no updates, nothing. I plan on calling CM tomorrow and if I don't hear from her by the end of the week I'll contact her supervisor. I don't want to bug her, but need to make sure she is aware we're going out of town the end of the month.

So life continues. I am still pretty bored. I was so happy when baby boy was old enough to interact, had a routine nap time in his crib. We could go places, and do things. Now we're back to square one. Bleh.
And he does not like the car seat, making it even harder to go places or do things.

All in time. I know.

sleep?

I returned from my weekend trip and both hubs and child were still alive, and the dog, too! All with minimal damage, although drama did occur.
Sweet Pea went from explosive diarrhea to total back-up. Hubs kinda freaked after 24 hours of no poop. Of course he did what we both do, asked jeeves, and was instructed to try some karo syrup and prune juice. ewww.

After both of those failed, he sucked it up and took the boy to the pharmacy where he purchased glycerin enemas. Boy did that work!
His comment was 'that was the most disgusting thing I have ever done or experienced in my life'.

Coy smile from the mama inserted here (0:

After a trip to the pediatrician and some blood work, we've found out Sweet Pea is a-OK. With SEN you never know, so it was a relief.....

We're finally sleeping better at night. Yes, we, as I am the one up with him while hubs gets some z's before having to head out to work every day.
Since I am not a nap person (makes me more tired and I never seem to wake up from them) I am going to bed as close to 8:00 as I can.

Then I sleep in the guest room after the babe wakes up. Thus hubs and I are not exactly spending much time together.
In a way I laugh because I think about how when you have a baby they tell you no sex for 6 weeks.
OK.
So I didn't even HAVE the baby, who is almost 12 weeks, and I am too tired to even THINK about sex! Hell, we hardly even see each other, don't sleep in the same bed, and I go to bed so damn early.... Just sayin!

Our next challenge is to get Sweet Pea more used to the car seat. I have to time our outings (what few there have been) around nap time. If he's not sleeping, and he sees you, he screams. It's as though he's trying to tell you that there's no reason he should be in there when you are RIGHT THERE and could/should be holding him.

I have gotten quite skilled at the one handed cart pushing and grocery shopping~

In the next week I hope to catch up with the blogs I read and the bloggers who have lent me their support. I feel so tired these days I rarely get my ass off the couch! But we'll get there. Just need to get reacquainted with this baby baby thing.
We've already discussed if this one goes, we are upping our age range to at least 6 months.
I am convinced I have experienced the newborn thing and am quite over it.
I am looking forward to a time when Sweet Pea is able to interact, go to library time, and so on. I was loving the boy's changes to these stages and am finding it difficult to go backwards.

But we'll get there.

ROUND 2

Yes folks, here we go again.
Monday night we received Sweet Pea, a 10 week old baby boy.
When he got here he was very obviously neglected. Dirty, smelly, and not so happy looking (go figure). He was substance exposed (meth) at birth, but no information about the levels of exposure to know if he has any residual effects.
He had serious diarrhea and was in obvious discomfort. I think he was given milk and not formula.
He was living with an aunt with three of his siblings. There are seven children in all, three residing with paternal relatives for a long time now, and then a 10 year old, 4 year old, and almost 2 year old.

Actually, we were asked to take the 2 year old, but I had to say no because my dear husband reminded me I was going out of town this weekend and he would be home alone!

Anyhoo, we're acclimating the little guy, as well as ourselves. He's not a sleeper and the first night was up every 45 minutes. The next night up to just over an hour, and last night we had one three hour stretch.

The worker that brought him over was very open about the case, so in turn I briefly told her about my issues with the last worker and asked that whomever took over for her (she is only the investigative worker) know that I will not go quietly this time around. She laughed and said "That's funny shit. I'll pass it on."
I think she will.

So we'll see where we go from here. For now, we're having some difficulty with constant comparisons to the baby boy, but I think that's normal as it is our only experience.

Wish the hubs luck alone with Sweet Pea all weekend. I personally think it's great for him to live in my shoes. Yes, normally we help each other, but he goes out of town a lot and I'm home alone for days. It's high time the shoe was on the other foot (0:

Can you repeat that?

We've been officially open for a child for almost two weeks with no call.
Hmmmmm.

Got me thinking - I know, scary stuff.

I called the district office and spoke to the placement coordinator. She remembered me. Looked it up.

We're not on the list.

Say what??? Repeat that???

You're not on the list.

So I've been carrying my cell around with me like it's oxygen and you're telling me it was never even going to ring.

Called licensing worker.
WTF LICENSING WORKER?

Um, well, the girl told me she put your info in and doesn't know why there is an issue.

Oh, but there is an issue.

Well, she tells me you're on the list getting submitted tomorrow.

OK. Great. Thanks.




We're changing agencies.

The Mayonnaise Jar & Two Cups of Coffee

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “yes.”

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

“Now,” said the professor as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognise that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things…. Your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favourite passions— and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else— the small stuff.
“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

“Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and put out the rubbish.
Take care of the golf balls first- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled and said, “I’m glad you asked.”
The coffee just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.

sigh

There isn't much happening.
Every day is a little better. It is still heart wrenching when anyone asks me about the boy or comments about how hard this must all be.

Particularly difficult when my 2 year old god child asks 'where's the baby?' every 20 minutes when I'm with her. She LOVED the boy. Smothered him every chance she got. Now I just say 'He's at home'.

Time marches on slowly.

I am still in the work vs foster care debate. There is an opening at CPS for a trainer. I am considering it. I would be working with a friend, training new hires, and at the district office. I would have (maybe) the opportunity to try and train people on how to better meet the needs of the children. Maybe help change the focus just a little. Hell, if I knew I got one person to do things differently it would be a start, right?

But part of me is not ready to give up just yet. I liked being a mom. If I go to work, we would not do foster care. We would wait for an adoptive placement. Who knows how long that will be? I am just meeting other stay at home moms and finding things to do around here.
I am getting used to wearing pajamas more then not.
I am getting used to not dealing with others unless I want to.

We are supposedly on the list for a new foster placement since last Monday. I honestly don't know how much faith I put in our licensing worker to get it right. He's quite unorganized. If we continue with foster care there might be an agency change in our future.

I have not finished the scrapbook yet. At first I was OK looking at all of his pictures, but then it got too hard. I need to finish it soon and send it to him. I have decided to include a picture of me with him, as well as both a letter to MGM and family and a general letter/list of things about him. I figure it can't hurt to give them my phone number and e-mail. My return address will be on the album. I have not decided exactly what I will say, other then that we love and miss him very much. I have not decided if I will ask for updates. Partly because even if MGM was willing, I don't think she has much follow through. I would be asking and hoping for something and leaving myself vulnerable again. But who knows. Maybe I will anyway.

I haven't been able to bring myself to clean the coffee table with the hand print. It's dusty as all hell but it's in the front 'formal' living room we don't use. I doubt my husband even noticed. There are actually two prints. I look at them almost every time I walk by.

I don't listen to the laugh or look at the picture on the phone as much.
I don't cry myself to sleep every night. Just some.

I'm finding the less I focus on it the better. I feel like such an asshole trying to put him out of my mind, but I think it's my best chance at getting over it.
When I do think about him, I try to shift my thoughts to the good things and not the bad. We knew he was leaving and no matter how it went down, I was going to be sad. I was going to miss him. I was going to hate it.
It could have been so much worse. He could have been here longer then 7 months. We could have not known all along he was going and been broadsided. He could have been reunified with a drug user or prostitute or other shady person instead of a loving MGM.

For all her faults (let's recap just for giggles - dirty house, unprepared, passive, poor) she loves the boy. Before us he lived with his mother. She loved him.

He has never gone without love.

I have to believe that will make all the difference in the end.

I am not doing well.
The house is quiet. I am lonely. I am sad almost all the time.

I try and rationalize my feelings. Try putting things into perspective.
It's not working.

I find myself looking at his picture on my phone. Listening to his laughter on my phone. Walking by the coffee table to get a glimpse of his hand print.

It has been 8 days since I left him with MGM. I know it took 7 months to attach, it will likely take just as long to de-tatch. I wonder if I can make it.

Infertility must be penance for some past crime.

You try pills and they don't work. You are sad, but move on.
You try IUIs. They don't work. You are sad, but move on.
You try IVF. Maybe once, maybe twice. They didn't work. You are devastated, but move on.
You try foster care. You lose your first baby. You are devastated, but move on.
Right?

But when does it end? It's just one pain after another. One heart break after another.

A very large part of me is leaning towards a childless existence. I wonder if it would be better to have one final pain of never having children, or continue being beaten down and disappointed.
I am aware of the argument that the right one will come along and everything will be right with the world.
But from the angle I am currently perched upon, it looks bleak.
I don't know if I WANT another child.
Right now I want MY baby boy.

Times like this I wish I had the ability to fall back on some vice. I don't smoke, don't do drugs, and don't drink much. I wish there was something I could do to take the edge off.
I guess maybe tip tapping away is what I have.
But I gotta tell you, my fingers are tired.

The Cuteness

I have posted pictures of the boy before, but kept his face out of it because he was a foster child. Is he still really a foster child? He's not in a foster home......

After much deliberation, I am posting a picture. It's one of my favorites taken about three weeks ago. I am the type of person that feels more connected when I have the entire picture, so I am providing you, who are quite honestly getting me through this, the entire picture.

OK. Two pictures. Even though the first is dark and a whole lotta' sky, I think it's too cute with his ASU baseball cap on and his shades.

Not that any of you doubted what I was missing was a ball of cuteness and fun, but here it is for you to see for yourself. Always smiling. Always watching me with those big brown eyes. Now watching someone else and smiling at someone else.

But I do find some contentment knowing he is still smiling.

he's still here

I can't help myself. A few times a day I look at his picture on my phone. It was taken only a few days before he left. I also listen to a recording I made of his laughing while I kissed his belly.

I miss him terribly.

I don't cry as much as before, but the heavy vacant feeling in my chest is still there. At times I find myself convincing myself he's coming back. Like he is on an extended visit or something.

We're back on the list for Monday. That's tomorrow. Now that it's so close, I am scared. I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do. I know I can't sit around and pine for my boy. I know that it's done and over with and not going to change. I know I need to move on. I know my propensity for depression.
I know without something else to do I may end up in my car stalking out MGM home trying to get a glimpse of my boy.

That would not be good.

While out on Saturday, I ran into a GAL I used to work with. We spend quite a bit of time together on this case or that. She was an Assistant Attorney General, then found she needed to work for the children instead of representing CPS.

She was with her daughter. I remember when she was pregnant.
She recognized me right away and asked how things were. I told her about the boy. She remembered I left the State to do foster parenting. She said 'Didn't they know who they were messing with? You were always such an advocate for you kids. It's sad they didn't utilize your skills'.

Big happy smile from me. THIS is how I wanted to be remembered.

She went on to tell me she had staffings coming up for several children for adoptive homes. She wanted my e-mail, phone number, licensing agency, and worker's name. She is specifically requesting our file be presented.
There is still hope my 7 years at CPS was not wasted. That someone will put in a good word. A helping hand. Something.

I came home feeling hope.

Then I saw the little hand print in the dust of my dirty coffee table.

my head hurts

I can't help but come here for solace of some sort.

One minute I'm OK and the next I feel like I've been run over. I can't breathe, my chest hurts, I cry so hard my head hurts.

There's this mental battle going on where I am trying to convince myself it's OK. It's not as though he died or anything. And it's not as though he was put in a home with bad people. It's not as though he's not going to be OK - he was always so happy and well-adjusted. He has everything he had here.

Except me.

But on the other hand it feels like he has died. Knowing I'll never see him again is a kind of death. Having him one moment and not the next. Never seeing him smiling at me again.

I've stepped on a boundary and flat out asked a friend who is still at CPS if she would look into his case and see how he's doing. She said she would.
But what will that tell me anyway since the author is the stupid worker who fucked all this up to begin with?

Ugh. I'm really just tired of thinking and feeling anything at all.

And now the bitch response - it's even more difficult when everyone tells you it's OK and that you gave him a good start. When in the midst of the pain, my reply is so fucking what. I know people mean well and it's just one of those situations where you feel you have to say something. And don't get me wrong. I really and truly appreciate all the comments and support I've been getting from you guys. I'm amazed how much hope complete strangers are able to provide.

I just don't know how to function right now.

*UPDATE*
A while after completing this post I got mad. You know how it is.... being a big ball of emotions going from one to the next with abandon.
I called our licensing worker and we're going back on the list Monday.
I doubt I will be over missing my boy by then, but I can't sit around and wallow, either. Especially since I have no job and am home. Alone. All day. Ewwwww......

I also just (almost) finished another page in the scrapbook for the boy. B/c I have MGM address I have more time to complete it and mail it to her.
I didn't cry once looking at all his pictures. Maybe because I was bawling while typing the above entry and got it all out of me. I don't know. But I feel better for working on it. I'm not focusing on the pictures so much as the layout and how to make it pretty.
When I'm finished I'm going to take it to a copy shop and have really good color pics taken so that I have my own little version. I should get to keep some memento of all this work~

It's Over

I packed up all his things and loaded the car last night. I gave him all the clothes, even some that he won't fit soon. I cleaned up his high chair and packed that, too.

This morning was like any other morning. We got up. We drank our bottle. We played.

We went to the store so I could buy him more formula. I also bought a six pack.

I took him to MGM home and got there early.

I unpacked the car while she held him.

I didn't realize holding him when I got him out of the car would be the last time, but it was.

The CM showed up with the case aide and translated what all the stuff was.
She was listening, but I doubt she'll remember.

I hope she remembers to give him his bear at bed time.

Backfired

Going to MGM home has backfired. I am less at peace then I was before going.
It's filthy.

FILTHY!

I can get over it being in a not so great neighborhood.
I can get over it being small.
I can get over the fact she has nothing for the baby.

Yeah, I said Nothing.

She has a crib in a box she picked up yesterday. Who knows if she even has crib sheets.

But back to the main issue, you'd think she would clean up knowing we were coming over. The floor was gross. Just dirty. I don't even know what some of the shit was. She has a cat who is mostly outside, so some hair. And dirt.
I went into the kitchen so get water to make his oatmeal and there was a pile of dirt and stuff swept into the corner. A LARGE pile.

Now all I can rely on is she's raised four children and they are all healthy individuals. And the old saying 'God made dirt so dirt don't hurt'.

The worst part is I lied to my husband about it. He called at 11:03. His very first question was 'Is it clean?'
Um, not as clean as I'd prefer, but it was OK.
'Not filthy or anything, right? Because I don't want to think of him living in squalor.'
No. It's OK.
'Good. I feel a lot better'.

I'm glad one of us does.

It has also prompted me to send everything.
I am cleaning up his highchair and sending that.
I am washing ALL his clothes and sending ALL of them.
I am packing almost all of our toys.

Because at the end of the day, we can get new stuff. And the guilt that would weigh on me knowing I could have done more far outweighs the financial burden of buying new stuff for the next kids. Shit, we'll probably get a 3 year old and I wouldn't use any of this stuff anyway!

So for all those reading who know my husband, don't mention any of this. It's better he not know. There's no point in making it worse for both of us.

And seriously, keeping this to myself (more or less) makes me really feel like a mom.

UPDATE

I could paste the responding e-mails I received from the CM and her supervisor (aka piece of shit) but here's the jist:
- MGM's visits have allowed him to bond with her.
- If I knew anything about child development, I would know it will be more harmful then helpful to confuse him with going back and forth for more visits.
There was more but there's the highlights.

So I called the next person above. I explained my frustration with no transition. He appeared concerned there have not been more visits, but stated he needed to discuss it with the CM and her supervisor. I also mentioned the issues between myself and the supervisor and that I thought this may have lended some of the ill treatment that has gone on in this case.

He responded via e-mail about an hour later.

There is now a 2 hour visit at MGM home tomorrow in which I will take him and the case aide will meet us there to translate. Seems they think I would be pacified if I was able to tell her how to care for the baby. Although this is not my point, I'll take it.
Then on Wednesday I will take him there for good.

Still crap, but a step up from complete shit.

I think seeing the home and him with MGM there will help me a lot. I still wish there were more visits, but he's a happy kid and my heart knows he will adjust quickly.

Now I am sorting through his clothes trying to figure out what to send. He's at that in-between size where the 6-9 month is getting a little short, but there isn't a lot out there for 9 months. Just jumps to a 12 month size. I have already purchased a bunch of 12 month clothes, so I am trying to figure out how much of the other to send knowing he will outgrow them very quickly. If I keep them I could use them for a future child myself.

Which brings me to telling hubs I want another child right away. He's coming around. I am hoping my old contacts will pay off somehow and a permanent placement will come along. My heart is so heavy knowing the risk of fostering again with no guarantees. But it is heavier thinking about not having a child at all.

In a way I am glad to be alone right now. It's been harder dealing with other people and I've always been one to cry when others are hurting.... even when they are hurting for me.
When I stop and think it through, I know this is not as bad as it seems. He is going to a good home, he will be happy, and we will move on.

But I have a feeling I'll be drunk by noon on Wednesday.

The plan

I am breathing again, and actually slept last night after tossing and turning and such Friday night.
Still crying at the drop of a hat, but I have a feeling that will take some time to subside.

Now I am planning my attack.

I already sent the CM an e-mail in response to hers requesting some visits before a permanent move. I know Monday will be too late, but Tues, Wed, Thurs and then move on Friday seems pretty reasonable to me. I am willing and able to transport so the only issue would be MGM schedule.

Come Monday morning, I will wait until 8:30AM. CM should be in at 8:00 so this gives her 30 minutes to respond to my request. After that, I am going to call the supervisor's supervisor.

I know the lingo. I know the policy. I know how to be diplomatic and bitchy all at the same time. So I may have a shot at making this a little bit better.

Hubs is saying he doesn't know if he can do it again. In many ways I agree. On the other hand, how do you go from being a mom to not? Are we willing to pay the money and get put on that long waiting list of people holding out for adoption? We're on the list for CPS, but our age range is 3 and under - just like 90% of the other people on the list.

I know right now isn't the time to make any decisions as our heads just aren't in it. But we will need to decide soon so I know if I need to go back to work. I will not be able to sit around here all alone for long without another child. If we decide to keep trying, I want another sooner rather then later so I'm not sitting around lamenting the loss.

Right now I'm focusing on getting his scrapbook done. Then it's on to sorting through his clothes to see which ones will fit him long enough to be worth sending. Then toys, deciding what he likes enough to send and what should stay here for future children.
And it sucks I have to do it all by myself.

Date: Fri, 29 Feb 2008 17:48:17 -0700
Subject: RE: baby boy.

The CPC has been signed by the court, so I need to move the baby as soon as possible. I want to give you some time to get things together and say good bye. The Case aide and I will be moving M on Wednesday, March 5. We will be by around 10:00 am. Thanks for the update on M's progress. You have done a great job with him, and I appreciate it.

If you have any questions just let me know. I will see you Wednesday.
Thanks,
Piece of shit case manager






Took out the baby's name and a little liberty with the cm's name.
Note how she sent an e-mail, didn't call, and then sent the fucking thing at 5:45PM when I would not be able to call her at the office.

Note how completely and utterly fucking fucking pissed I am, which is my only defense between bouts of crying and near hyperventilation.

My husband is out of state for another week. He won't even get to say good-bye.

No transition.

Did I mention I can't breathe?

Monday morning will start a shit storm. I will be calling the cm and her supervisor's supervisor. Remember, her direct supervisor is the piece of shit I used to work with and who has a personal problem with me - even though she's the one who screwed up. So no point in trying to go through her, going directly over her ass.
Already sent an e-mail to GAL as well as leaving her a vmm.

I don't know if I can do this again. I am losing my baby in the worst possible way.

This shit is why there are so many foster parents who quit. This shit is why CPS gets a bad reputation. This shit is why there are so many fucked up kids in the world. Kids who started out great and then some asshole took advantage of that great happy little disposition and stunted them for life.

God I hope my baby comes out of this ok.

I am all alone and the only thing I can think of to do is write on this stupid blog.
I can't stop crying and I don't know what to do with myself. I tried to take a bath and relax. I tried watching TV. I tried calling my best friend but hung up before dialing because I just can't TALK about it. And now I'm here sitting in the dark alone in this fucking house typing away.
I don't know how to end this post.

rantings and updates

For someone with no job and not much to do, I seem to be struggling to keep up on blogging. This includes writing & reading.
There are days in which I will spend hours (of course these hours are broken up by nap times) catching up on people's posts. Then there are times when I don't. I apologize in advance, if any such apology is needed, for my inconsistency. Sometimes I feel guilty about not keeping up, especially with those whose stories have inspired me, or advice via comments on my own posts have offered insight, blessings, or encouragement. I really do appreciate all of it.

I have long noticed a trend in blogging, that the more sad, depressing, or horrific the content of the post, the more people appear to be reading. The day to day stuff is less interesting I suppose. Or maybe this is my jaded perception. It's here nor there. I equate it to a good book. I just finished a book that was about a boy's life after accidentally allowing his little brother to drown while he was giving him a bath. He thought the gesture would make his mother happy as she was always complaining about how dirty the boy was. After getting him into the bath, he was "squirmy" so the brother went to his room to fetch a toy to keep him occupied so he could properly wash him. When he returned a moment later the boy was gone.
He spent the rest of his life atoning. Mother became alcoholic and dependent upon prescription drugs, father not really there. He dropped out of college to take care of his mother and ended-up with no life of his own.

The book was totally boring.

Thus my comparison to blogging. I may have found it more interesting if I could relate, or maybe if I had known someone like that.
This also correlates to how I read blogs.
I like the day to day stuff. I relate to staying at home, or caring for kids, or anything that could just as well happen to me.

And now that I've gone off on this tangent, I find myself lacking a point!
So we'll venture off~

Boy finally had a visit with MGM yesterday. Aide was 45 minutes late picking him up so I seriously doubt the visit was all of the 90 minutes it was supposed to be. At least it was at her home and not the CPS office. Again, he didn't eat at the visit. For me this is a sign of comfort. Eating and sleeping are things most young kids only do when truly comfortable with the person and environment.

I have not heard back from his CM after both an e-mail and a voicemail. No surprise there. In a way I understand since his case is not a major priority. I myself was often guilty of not focusing on the 'easy' cases because I had so many volatile issues happening on other cases that needed immediate attention. That knowledge and understanding does not make it any less annoying now that I am on the other side.....

We continue to just take it day by day. I am assured MGM still wants him and that he will be going to her. OK. I get it. But when? And how? These are the times my being a CPS worker back fires on me as I KNOW this is not going as it should.

The sleeping issues are resolved. We're now working on the eating. Trying to get him to try new things and be less dependent on formula. At 9 1/2 months I feel he should be learning more, but I could be wrong. He's all over the house, crawling and standing and walking around the coffee table. He babbles and sometimes says things that sound like words, but I can't be sure.

Two days ago I said to him 'you've got boogers in your nose!' and he said 'booga'. He's said it a few times since but I think he's just learning to put some of the sounds he knows together. I would hate to think one of his first words was actually booger.

what?

No visit again this week.
That makes two weeks in a row there's been no call from the CM or the case aide and no visit with MGM.
What a wonderful transition.............

Is it really all that evil for me to be hoping something happened to MGM? Nothing catastrophic, just something enough to make her, well, go away.

I used to hope she'd be ruled out or give up. Then I just started hoping the boy would have a good life no matter where he ended-up. That he would become a wonderful man some day and that I could smile hoping my little contribution helped to shape the rest of his days.

Now I'm back to hoping on the first thing.

Limbo and Cherios

Thanks for the assvice.....
Friday night I put him to bed as I used to. No muss, no fuss. Just a bath, small rock in the recliner in his room in the dark while singing, then in to the crib you go. I knew he was tired, so after about 2 minutes of crying he was asleep.
Woo hoo, right?
Nuh Uh.

About an hour later, up crying. Standing in his crib. Then screaming. Went in, told him no, it was time to sleep, layed him back down, left again. This went on for 1.5 hours. Thank goodness my hubby was there with me, and we took turns going in every few minutes. After he started to tire, we rubbed his back a little bit to help calm him and he finally went down for good.
All night. (0:

Last night, went right to sleep. Didn't wake up until 4:45, and wouldn't go back to sleep. Tried everything, until about 6:00 I thought, well maybe he's hungry. Sure enough, sucked down 5 ounces and went right back to sleep ~ until 9:15 this morning (a new record).

So now we're on to the no eating thing. I know his appetite was bad for a bit, likely b/c of being sick and the meds. Would normally suck down 7 ounces like nothing, now barely interested in 3. But today he is more interested in formula, although not much else. Cherios. He's in to those. So it's formula and cereal and nothing else.

Aside from that, we're still living in limbo land. There was supposed to be a court hearing last Thursday to discuss his Change in Physical custody Motion to MGM. GAL called in the AM to let me know she was at court (she usually is all day) and the hearing was not on the Judge's calender. Wasn't sure why, but said not to worry b/c she submitted a written response to the motion voicing her concerns with the lack of transition. She does not believe the Judge will sign off on it, but wanted me to keep in close contact with her on the visitation or any communications with the CM.

There was no visit last week. None. Not even a phone call.

I just don't get it.

ASSVICE

Soliciting some assvice as I am running out of ideas~

For the last few weeks, the boy has been having difficulty sleeping. Nap times were still pretty ok, but at night he suddenly needed to be put to sleep instead of getting him drowsy and then putting him in his crib to go to sleep on his own.
It can take upwards of an hour to get him down. We'll rock him, then the minute you try and put him in the crib he starts crying.
Tried crying it out, but his instinct when no one responds within about a minute is to stand up in his crib. Then he is more awake then before and you're starting at the beginning, only he's that much more sensitive.
He has to be COMPLETELY asleep before you put him in the crib. And even then there is a strategy involved for the least amount of movement possible.

And after that, he's up at least once a night. And then it takes going through the entire above process to get him back down.

It's like he's completely lost the ability to self soothe. right now he's sick so I know that's taking a toll. He doesn't want to eat and the formula isn't as filling as food (plus he usually takes 7 ounces and is currently only taking 3-4 at a time). He's also stuffed up and breathing through his mouth, with makes him thirsty. So the digression back to the 2AM feeding is ok, I understand what could be causing it.

But the changes in GOING to sleep and STAYING asleep started before getting sick.

Any advice would be appreciated. I am started to get worn out and tired!!! I myself have been sick, which is making my patience even thinner~

Oh where to start this post. Guess we'll cover one thing at a time ~ NOT in any order.

First off, thank you for all the well wished about my other dad. He's doing a-maz-ing right now. AMAZING. He's breathing entirely on his own, which means the collapsed lung is healing itself. Also means the flailing ribs on that side may have re-aligned themselves, otherwise they would still be poking him and making breathing too uncomfortable. His hip surgery went well. His foot/leg/ankle surgery is scheduled for Thursday, which will be big b/c that's the only thing they aren't positive they can fix. There's been talk of possible amputation.......

My correspondance with the GAL continued and she let me know last week the state filed a Change in Physical Custody for the boy to go to his MGM. This was the response to the request for increased visits. Neat, huh.
GAL stated she had concerns and a court hearing is set for Thursday. My mom will come over to sit and I will attend.
If MGM is appropriate, then great. But where's the transition? This is also the GAL's concern. We're asking for increased visitation for at least two weeks before he is placed in her custody.

I went to San Diego over the weekend - Friday night to Sunday - to visit my brother on his ship. He's the Chief Engineer on a Sea Lift Command ship. The thing is HUGE. Anyhoo, it was a test for both the baby and my husband as they have not been left alone together for any major period of time.

The boy was cranky, finiky about eating, and up several times a night. I believe this is a good indicator of the issues he will face when moved to MGM home. He knows my husband, but is dependent upon me for most things. Same with MGM. He reached for her right off the bat at the last visit (made me feel better that he at least appears to recognize her). But that's just play time and you look like you could entertain me. Not all the other stuff. So we'll see.

I was initially heartbroken, having to try and block out the thought of him going because the smallest thing would make me cry. I even had to text my best friend to tell her he would be leaving because I still can't talk about it. After getting the GAL's email about the filing of the CPC, I spent the night crying and having nightmares.
Over the weekend, my mother was telling someone else about the baby and I had to excuse myself.
What makes it more difficult is everyone's reaction that it isn't right for him to go, that he's attached to me, that I'm a great mom to him, that he's such a wonderfull little boy, etc.
I finally told my mom to stop talking about it.

I realize this will be hard on everyone because he IS such a great baby and everyone loves him. But I seriously don't give a shit at the moment. I am still trying to process it in my own head, much less spend any time trying to counsel others about it.

At the same time, I am starting to wonder what will come next. Or who will come next. What will the next child be like? A baby or a 3 year old? Boy or girl? What will their story be? Will it be long-term or just for a little while?
And then I think about how long I will be able to do this. How long can I risk this succession of children in and out of my life? I know it's just been the one, but still. Fostering to adopt is a risky business. I knew this going in. But now that the first crack is ripping through my heart, I'm not so sure I can continue this risk.
But what's the alternative? Now that I've gotten my foot in the door of parenting, could I step back out to go on an adoption waiting list?

I'm tired people. Tired of feeling as though infertilty and this struggle are some strange atonement for all the things I did bad in my life. Tired of feeling like I am always climbing uphill.

Ever have those fleeting dreams about walking away from your life? I'm having them a lot lately. Just disappearing and starting over somewhere completely different. Would the story line be the same?

His humor is still intact, even if his body is not.
The first surgery went well. He had the broken arm fixed, a pin put in his hand, and a strange contraption attached to his badly broken right leg. It is supposed to slowly pull the leg apart so that the circulation can continue and so when they finally get in there and try to put his ankle and the bottom of his leg back together there's a little more room.

Still on the ventilator, but the collar is off. He was cleared of any neck or back injury that would be a threat. Still think he may have fractured a vertabrae or two, but think they will heal without intervention.

Yesterday was a pretty bad day for him as they had to take a lot of x-rays. All the josteling around is painfull. They also inserted a feeding tube, only to discover in the evening it was not positioned correctly. The fluids were backing up and not running through as they should. Just one more painfull experience.

This morning they will insert a dye and have to re-do the tube while watching on a monitor.

He wrote on a paper 'glowing', making a joke about all the radiation. Each morning he wants to know what day it is and why he can't talk. Seems the most aggrivating thing is the ventilator; I know he wants to talk and ask questions, but also nods when asked if it hurts. It is a miracle of all the things, his right arm and hand are in perfect working order. I think being able to write is keeping him going. He's known for asking a lot of questions about EVERYTHING.

I remember the one time I went to Disneyland he asked me if I went on this ride, saw this area, etc. for about 15 minutes. Whenever you have a decision to make, he's a great sounding board. Whenever you don't want his opinion, it's not so fun! When he is able to talk, the nurses and doctors will have their hands full......

I told him the Suns lost and he rolled his eyes and made a thumbs down.

Until that moment, I had been keeping it together fairly well, knowing I needed to be the rock for my best friend - who is prone to anxiety on a normal day. When he reacted to the Suns losing, I realized he's still in there. He's still Dad, just a really messed up version. But it's still him. And after a really good cry, I felt a lot better.

Now the worry (for me) turns to all the things to come. Finances, where Mom will stay, how she's doing, who will watch my friend's daughter, who will feed the pets.... All the things in life that will continue while Dad and Mom are on hold.
They are still estimating a month in the hospital, and then there will be lots and lots of rehab.

Thank you for all your well wishes. It means a lot. It all seems easier to lay it all out in the blog then to actually vocalize with anyone. Even though I have let many of my friends and family know what's happening, I haven't spoken with any of them or provided any details. I know some of them will find them here!
I hope you all are well and I'll likely be checking in to see what you all are doing some time next week.

My best friend's parents are like my own. Whenever things were bad at home, I went there. It was my safe haven. They call me their other daughter and I call them mom and dad.

Yesterday morning, Dad was in a bad car accident. He was outside of town driving to NM for work like he did all the time.
A semi truck had overturned in the road. Another semi had stopped to aide him. Dad didn't see either. He hit one, rolled, then hit the other.

Now he's in ICU with a shattered ankle, two broken legs, a broken pelvis, a broken hip, a broken sternum, all of his ribs are broken, the ones on the right obliterated, a collapsed lung, an arm broken in two places, and a broken hand. We aren't sure about his spine yet, but he can move his fingers and toes.

His heart is good and his head is good. His head is REALLY good. Today he was aware, writing questions, holding our hands, even making a joke about needing his granddaughter's boo boo buddy.

He is just so so so broken.

His first surgery was this morning and it went well. They are worried they may have to amputate his foot if the ankle isn't repairable. They are worried about pneumonia. They are worried about a lot of things.

So whatever higher power you find yourself turning to for advisement, ask for a little help here. I don't think we would survive without him.

where's the motivation?

I appreciate every one's words of wisdom and comfort. It prompted me to take some action. Well, that and a conversation with the case aide that transports the boy to and from his visits~

Last week I asked her to check with the MGM what she still needed for the baby. I received a clothing allowance and although it's more then spent over the last 6 months, I would purchase an exersaucer if she didn't have one. He loves his and I figured it could be considered a non-necessity. Plus, they have tons of them as the used store for so cheap and I have time to shop....
Case aide comes back from the visit and informs me MGM has nothing. NOTHING. She commented MGM said she wasn't sure when or if he was coming so she hadn't invested yet.

This stemmed two thoughts. One, she's not particularly motivated. Two, the case manager isn't being forthright with anyone.
She told me he was going as soon as MGM got back on her feet after the fire. She now has her rental home and according to the kids (her other kids living with her whom I speak with at the visits and ask small questions) said they have replaced pretty much everything.
So what's the deal???

I sent an e-mail to the GAL asking her to call. I told her what I knew and that there hasn't been any real increase in visitation. There wasn't even a visit this week.
I asked if the possibility of an 'open' adoption had even been discussed. Has anyone thought to ask MGM if she would like to be a grandma and not a new mom?? GAL heard me out, agreed with my concerns, and plans to call not only the CM, but the MGM's atty.
Oh, yeah, she has an attorney because SHE had an open case with the baby's mom. You know, because her boyfriend was admittedly molesting her. Don't even get me started down this path.

Now I'm waiting to see what the GAL has to say after talking to the other parties. This will probably not happen for a week with all the phone tag, but she's on it. Having co-workers who worked with her before, I know she will follow-up.

At the end of the day, no matter how much I want to keep my little boy, if he's going to MGM I want it to be as smooth a transition as possible. Let's do SOMETHING. There is no reason this case is not moving in some direction.

Oh, and to add to the irritation, I called the case aide this morning to see if I forgot to write down a visit for today or something. She informed me she was out of the office Monday and Tuesday but has asked MGM to call her to schedule. She did not. Is there any motivation here or is the stupid CM pushing her to take him???

Let's hope the GAL gets somewhere. Anywhere.

the starving child

You'd think we never fed him.........

Cracking

There has been some chatter on other blogs about foster care issues, including motivation, kinship care, severance, and the rules. Although I have probably commented on each of these, I have been struggling with my own family and friends on some of these issues. Now I will rant about them a little bit here~

My parents are unable to understand that the boy will go to his grandmother. My father is the more vocal in his resistance, and frequently points out MGM already has a lot of her plate. Her home just burned down, she has three kids with her (baby's mom is her fourth but AWOL), she is a single parent, she is illegal, and the list would go on and on.

This is not at all uncommon; I heard this all before as a case manager.

It is hard to tell people that MGM should get him because she's family. Yes, she's struggling. Yes, he will take a monetary step down as she is a single parent. Yes, we could provide so much more to him in so many areas. Yes, she is his family and we are not.

All of this is so reasonable in my head. It's my heart that cries out BULLSHIT HE's MINE!!!

I also feel this enormous weight and there isn't even an ETA for him leaving yet. I am questioning more and more if I can continue this path of fostering. We are hoping to adopt here, so it is so difficult to fall in love with this little boy and then have him leave seven or so months later.
And yes, I knew this going into it. We took this route because I knew the system.
But as with everything, it's just not the same once you're all the way in it...
We talk about the next kids, but what if it's the same thing all over again. How many cracks can you make in a heart before it breaks?

I often think if we had our own children it would be easier because we wouldn't be looking so desperately for that family completion. When the boy leaves, the house is empty. And yet I know this is not the case as so many of the families I worked with grieved at the loss of their foster kids - right along side their biological children.

Needless to say I am feeling quite glum. I am working on this scrapbook for him to take, doing mental inventory of his things, sorting out what we will send and what we will keep for the next child/ren to come along. Trying to figure out how to convey all the things they will need to know so he is as understood as he is here. Where to tickle him. When to stop tickling. What that cry means, or that facial expression. The face I make when he's crying to make him laugh. The song I hum as I rock him when he's so sleepy he can't settle down.

There are no answers, really. I think that's what frustrates me the most. There is no right answer, no solution, no real words of comfort that will ease my pain. It just is what it is.

* I love accessories. Matching earrings, necklace, bracelet, purse, shoes. Of course, not so much at the moment as I am home all the time and the boy would try to eat any jewelry, but 'normally' I can't get enough.

to drug or not to drug....

I am happy to see some new peeps checking me out (haha). I am also happy to see some 'old' peeps still sticking around to see what happens next~

I took the boy in for his 6 month shots; yes, we were very late getting these as he is now 8 months, but oh well.
Anyhoo, he's been on a no eating kick for a bit. First there was the issue I wrote about talking with his mouth full and spraying food everywhere. Then the tide changed. He started straightening out his little body stiff as a board when I tried to put him in the high chair, followed by whining and crying, though not always with tears. Then he would open his mouth for food only to spit it right back out 2 seconds after I got it in there. This was a test in patience.

After the third go of this, I decided to hell with it. He still gets his bottles so he's not starving to death by any means. I figured we'd ride it out and see what happened.

Back to the pediatrician....... She checks and says he MIGHT have an ear infection, it's too hard to tell. This could be the reasoning behind his not wanting to eat.

This brings up two things for me.
ONE - it's not as though he lost his appetite. He was chugging formula like no body's business. It appeared to me to be the desire for instant gratification. I am hungry now so I want a bottle now, not this food crap that takes awhile and doesn't satisfy me in thirty seconds or less.
TWO - she wrote a prescription for antibiotics. Antibiotics for a maybe ear infection. hmmmm. Not a fan.

After discussion with hubs, vote was no meds. Instead, will monitor his behavior and see how he does, and even then look for a homeopathic solution before heading down the drug highway.

Day after the appointment, AND four shots, he's fine. Eating like a pig again.

What are your thoughts on meds for wee ones? Or anyone for that matter? I myself am asthmatic and have major allergies. I was on steroids for years and years as a child, resulting in discolored teeth and an adult infatuation with all things natural. I still pop aspirin and use an inhaler, but ran into this mental block when it came to getting this prescription filled for the baby.

I have decided to put a small thing about myself at the bottom of each post. I urge you to do this as well as we talk about what's happening, but it would be nice to get to know some of you, even if a little at a time.

* I took cake decorating courses. I can make flowers and things to make a cake pretty BUT I suck at baking and frosting. Makes it a little complicated.