Thursday, January 11, 2007

I have no witty title

You know, one of these days I'm going to get my techie husband to show me how to download and post pictures on here. Until then, here's where we're at with the decor:

Hubby goes out of town, so Saturday I hit the Depot with eyes bright. LOVE the Depot. Land of decorating possibilities. Decide on a paint called creme brule. Nice brown shade but not too brown. Darker then I originally thought of going, but had a problem with another paint being too light downstairs so took the risk.
Got home, strained and moved the giant bed away from the wall, dragged ladder up the stairs being careful not to scuff walls, set-up my supplies, and got to it.
Too too too too dark.
Got gallon of too light paint from garage, started mixing. Waste not, want not. And now that they have that wonderful color matching technology, I can even run out of my newly invented color and go back for more.
Decide it's pretty good and paint three walls. #4 is out because I can't budge the damn armoire, and now it's getting dusky and I can't see as well.

Still not sure if I like the color. NONE of the potential curtains match.
Got sick Monday AM. Sick sick. Lost 7lbs sick. Full body cleansing sick. Please god kill me because I am tired of putting my face where my ass just was sick.
Start of a diet. Figured tummy was shrunk, may as well try and take advantage and keep it that way.

Um, what other tangent.
First foster care class last night. 3 hours. Booooooring. OK, they tried to make it interesting, but when you already know all that stuff it can't help but be a bore, right? Or am I a stuck-up Child Protective Services case manager?? Probably both, but I'm ok with that.
Must survive 10 more classes. I can make it. I hope I can make it. I have to make it. If I can't keep my head up and eyes open through this, how will I survive sleepness nights with a crying infant? This is the thought that will motivate me the next 3 months while I smile and nod at the gate keeper of my future family.

Friday, January 05, 2007


Oh the joys of decorating. The joy, the pain, the migraine. I find myself unable to make minor decisions about most anything these days, including what color and style of window treatments to put up in the master bedroom.
I have spent about 2 hours a day shopping and thinking about this. I found some curtains I liked and they were on sale, but then thought maybe I liked them BECAUSE they were on sale. So I took one out and threw it over a chair by the window so each morning and night I could take a gander at it and come to a final decision. Decided yes, that would do quite nicely for both the curtains and the cornices and yippee it was on sale.
Then hubby makes a teeny weeny comment that he's bored with the tan and green color scheme that seems to be taking over our home. Now the reason for the tan and green is because the tile we got stuck with has this orange undertone to it and nothing but tans and greens seem to, well, blend.
So back to square one because I now have that creeping doubt in my mind yet again.
Today decided to go with this deep plum color because it's the color of the matting in two of the pictures I will hang in the room. Found some pretty sheers at Lin&Thingies, but there were only two panels and I need 5. They also had them in sage green, the color of the duvet, so I said 'f it' and bought four of those for good measure. Also purchased 2 plum swags which have enough material to them to cover the cornicing. Checking out, find they are on sale for a mere $10 instead of the usual $24. Yippee again.
Now I have about $300 worth of drapery in my bedroom and can't decide what to do. Is the plum too dark? Too shiny? Is the green to much like the duvet? Then what color do I paint? Is a neutral cream going to be too bland? Another color too much? Do I have any idea what the hell I'm doing?


I find myself watching hours of HGTV getting idea after idea, but none of them anywhere near the vision I have for the bedroom. I have now mentally redecorated my entire home 3o times over, and still have no idea what I'm going to do about the windows in the bedroom. And as I believe I mentioned before, my ass is still blinding the neighbors or any other fool who happens to look up at night. Clock is ticking and I need to make a damn decision.

And then it hits me. The reason I am wallowing in self doubt is because I am finding any way possible to avoid thinking about fertility crap. Because in the recesses of my mind I feel I failed at that. Lost control of something. Am not able to get what I want no matter what decisions I make or how positive I am or how hard I try and reach that goal. ALL of my friends have children, or are going to. Even Lauren, who I mentioned on the last post, has become pregnant from her first IVF.
Am I happy for them? Yes
Do I wish they didn't have children? No
Am I anguished and plagued by 'why couldn't it be me'? You betcha

Maybe I'm sick of green because it's the color of envy.