Monday, April 14, 2008


I've recently heard from more then one person that I may share too much info.
I don't disagree.

I've always been the type to speak first think later, especially when not directly confronted with any kind of consequence for my words.

I feel this blog is a place for such honesty. It's my venting place, yes, but more importantly I see it as a place for two things:
1~ for others to see my point of view for whatever it's worth and maybe learn something new.
2~ for me to hear other's point of view and maybe learn something new.

I remember when first searching for other foster blogs hoping to find the dead honest truth about what was going on out there. No sugar coating, just bare bones honesty. Whether good or bad, I want to know. I want to hear about it, try to learn from it, be supportive to someone whenever I can.

I realized from a recent comment there are others just like me. Looking for a blog about 'their life', be it to find anothers perspective or experiences, just a way to KNOW.

I think it is important to be honest about foster care and adoption. Not everything is silver lined clouds.
There are days I feel like I'm doing something good, helping this little guy out at this important time in his life.
There are times I want to give it up, save money and emotion, and be able to go on trips at will without children. Hell, to go to a movie!

There are days I feel at peace about not being able to have my own biological children.
More often then not, I still feel the ache.

There are days I feel that by being adopted myself I can offer up more to a child we adopt.
There are days I feel I am perpetuating a cycle, like adoption is comparable to alcoholism.

There are days I want to walk away from my life and start over. I feel like I missed out on some experiences by never living anywhere else or venturing out on my own.

But every day I know there are others out there having their own days, sometimes good, sometimes bad. Many times doubting ourselves, looking for compassion or understanding from a complete stranger because they are not invested in us personally enough to hold back.

My point is I guess I will continue to write at random, am very likely to say too much, but oh well! I hope to find the same from others, and the blogs I consistently read are the ones that do.
In our lives we have to filter from those we love because we feel we have to shelter them from things, or don't want to burden them with our insecurities or fears or anger.
Here I feel we can all let loose and find some relief in getting as much as possible off our chests. Not that our loved ones and friends wouldn't understand, but at times you just need to rant and rave and curse and bitch and moan and then let it go.

And now that I've done that

Sweet Pea is doing remarkably well! The lotion has cleared up his cute little face and his tummy seems better. He's a total pig! Gained one pound in 5 days! He's night and day from his first week here, so much more comfortable.
He is pretty serious and doesn't smile often. But he is making eye contact and continues to 'talk' with us.
Last night he slept an entire 7 hours! YEAY!!!! He was only up once (3AM) before up for good at 6:15. Definite progress......

Nothing from the CM or anyone else. Sent CM 2 e-mails, no response. No visits, no updates, nothing. I plan on calling CM tomorrow and if I don't hear from her by the end of the week I'll contact her supervisor. I don't want to bug her, but need to make sure she is aware we're going out of town the end of the month.

So life continues. I am still pretty bored. I was so happy when baby boy was old enough to interact, had a routine nap time in his crib. We could go places, and do things. Now we're back to square one. Bleh.
And he does not like the car seat, making it even harder to go places or do things.

All in time. I know.


My Reality said...

I, for one, would like to thank you for your honesty.

I relate to so many of your feelings about so many things. I like to know that I am not alone.

Thank you, my friend, for putting it out there.

JB said...

I enjoy reading your blog even though I think babies are icky. I come back again and again BECAUSE of your honesty and your openness about your feelings.

Anonymous said...

I found your website when I was looking for support. I am going through a similar situation and had no one to talk to. I also live in phx. so I know the system here. I appreciate your honesty. I also have family here that has worked for cps. Would love to pm sometime.

beagle said...

People seem reluctant to "tell it like it is."

I'm glad you do.

And everyone's reality and perception is different anyway. This is your blog. Your truth.

hope548 said...

I'll never tell you it's TMI. I like that you tell it like it is.

I'm glad Sweet Pea is doing better and I hope he continues to adjust and you're able to get out again!

PaleMother said...

TMI is such a fine, subjective line. I, for one, appreciate your honesty and your POV. Even though I don't have personal experience in foster care in common with you, I read your blog for those two things and for the intelligent way you express yourself. I read blogs in general not only to find people that I resonate with but also to learn from a wider pool of experiences.

I think it's important to blog about personal challenges that might otherwise remain invisible (if you are so inclined). It fights an unhealthy isolation -- for you and for others in your shoes. I blog (or intend to blog) about some things that are urgent to me but they are not especially conversational in most circles. No doubt some would consider my details TMI ... but then silence is more convenient for some than others. More ... aesthetic ... by some tastes. If it's TMI, click away. The exercise of writing some things out is useful for me in a couple of different ways (organizing and clarifying my thoughts and experiences, a creative outlet). And I like the fact that there is some small potential for someone else to make use of what I write, which is why I do it on the web. Not to confess or to show off or to gossip or to retaliate or destroy. Just the opposite -- to connect, to learn, to express, to improve and to remember. Some of the most understanding and supportive connections I've made in recent years could not, would not have happened anywhere else ... simply because there are so few healthy outlets/venues where certain important subjects are *not* TMI.

Maybe this is naive, but I think also it's good to have voices out there speaking up about the system and the real life experience of foster care, especially in an election year, because otherwise it's too easy for most people to remain blissfully ignorant or Ivory Tower about something complex and challenging yet so important. As with so many things, putting a face on it is a powerful way to communicate some understanding. Maybe change is a long shot, but it will never happen in the dark.

TMI? No way. JMO.

Amanda said...

I agree. I'd rather hear it like it really is.

I do admit I sometims wait to blog so that I don't sound too foul, my gut reaction is to curse like a freakin sailor when I'm upset.

elly parker said...

As I said last week when I saw you, honesty is great, but don't do anything that could risk your chances of adopting. You can always write up your thoughts when they are fresh, but save them for posting when the decisions regarding Sweet Pea's future are clear. That way other people can benefit from your experiences and advice in future, but you wouldn't be risking anything now.

Avoid any identifiable info about Sweet Pea, or fudge it slightly to make it less recognisable. And finally, always let us know when you need some extra support or kind words - I'm just on the other end of the internet tubes!

OHN said...

If people don't like what you are saying, they don't have to read it. (unless you somehow have a sniper trained on them or something> I think honesty is refreshing. I get so tired of the 'your farts smell like roses' blogs where everything is perfect and wonderful. Do those people live real lives??

Anyway-keep on typing because those of us that like you want to hear what you have to say :)

Bea said...

You blog as much information as you want. If people don't like it - well, you're the "moderator" around here.

I know what you mean about filtering for friends and family.


Yondalla said...

Heh...miss you.

How's it going?