Tuesday, February 20, 2007


Yesterday we had our first home visit. Our worker, Eric, came over and interviewed us, then took a look around the house.
While talking, we found ourselves discussing THE SYSTEM.
I think every person in every employ has some kind of SYSTEM. And the majority of the time, it stinks. This holds true for us as well.
When asked what stresses me out, my honest response is THE SYSTEM. When I cannot provide the services one of the kids on my case load needs, or it is going to take a long time, or the person or agency assigned to provide said services proves to be incompetent ~ that stresses me out. Not having control over any of that stresses me out. And knowing there's nothing I can do and I shouldn't be so stressed out over it stresses me out.

Moving along, the interview and home tour were painless. Our house is a wreck and we are nowhere near being ready to put a child under this roof, but it is what it is. We have time, and I have patience. Well, some..... I have limits.
Working on purchasing a crib, and received my oh so cute crib bedding from eb++. If you haven't tried it, it's well worth the time you spend searching for what you want. Also worth it is Craigslist, where we are getting all the furniture. Neat little system. And why do I care if the furniture I purchase is new or used? If it's clean and it works, and I'm getting a smoking deal ($150 for an oak crib/convertable toddler bed that was used once) then howdy do for me.

I've been putting off making a dr appt. ~see here's the more serious stuff~ My periods are all over the charts, the biggest issue being my 2 week or so spotting fest before I even get a real period. Now if you do the math, I'm basically only NOT worrying about my period stuff for one week a month. The complete opposite of what should be happening. It seems as though all the doctors pushed this issue under the rug, maybe believing an acheived pregnancy would alleviate the problem and it would go away without having to really address and focus on it. Well we all know how THAT turned out; so here we are back at square one.
I think it would make more sense to go to the IF specialist because he was a reproductive specialist and that's the effected area. And it isn't like I'm not still trying to get pregnant, just not spinning my wheels at something that's not likely to be successful and drains my purse simultaneously.
Why am I putting it off.
I am a total procratinator for one, and then I think I don't know if there's any point. Previous 'cures' were always to put me on the pill. Great. That worked while I was on it (and it made me ill), but I need a reason, not a quick fix. So maybe it's the fear of more disappointment. They won't be able to fix it or even determine the cause. I know it's all so rationalized when you type it out, but it's my SYSTEM that's failing thus far.
I'll get around to it.

It's been raining a lot and our yard is a mud pit. This is not a happy thing when you have a dog and a dog door. Hope it dries out by tomorrow or we're in deep crap. Wednesday's are our class nights and we're usually out from 7AM to 10PM. Too long to lock the pooch in the house, but just enough time for him to get muddy and decide it's a good idea to take a nap on my sofa.

As an update, I am having the baby shower. I could go back and forth in my own mind all day long rationalizing it one way or the other, so F it. I put my two friends in charge and requested there be alcohol served. Lots and lots of alcohol. Because I know that no matter how much I encourage myself to believe I'm over it, I'm not. And I know there will be at least one moment at that shower when that realization creeps in and grabs me by the balls. So between whine or wine, I'll take the white.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Deserve. I hear and use this word a lot. But what does it mean? It's one of those words that gets thrown around, and it's base lies in the eye of the beholder.

1. To earn by service; to be worthy of (something due, either good or evil); to merit; to be entitled to; as, the laborer deserves his wages; a work of value deserves praise.
[1913 Webster]

I realize that I frequently make comments using this word. This person deserves this, that one doesn't. Most commonly in my job stating this mom or that deserves to lose their parental rights to their children. But why?? What gives me the right to make any such judgments? Now granted, at my work I see some pretty horrific things. Neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse, drug abuse. You name it, I've more then likely had to deal with it on my case load, or had to learn about it in training, or knew about it on someone else's case load. This bombardment of negativity would eventually turn the stomach of Mother Teresa, and Mary Poppins would switch from a spoon full of sugar to a glass full of boos.
The longer I work here, the more I learn that many of these moms and dads had no level ground on which to built their own house of parenting. You are what you know. Many of the drug users are just trying to get by, but the children become collateral as their parents can't even meet their own needs.

So who deserves what? Did these parents deserve better parents? Do they deserve another chance? Do the kids deserve to be severed from their parents and all of their relatives?
Or more simply thought, do people deserve to have bad things happen to them? How do we know someone deserves something when it's a good thing, but not a bad? Maybe I don't deserve to be a parent, maybe I do. Maybe I deserve this job, maybe I don't. Maybe women in Africa deserve to die of AIDS, maybe they don't.

This is where your belief system jumps in. If you believe in karma, God, nothing; those things are all designed to attempt to answer the questions about who deserves what and why. But this doesn't stop the internal need to answer these questions and jump to conclusions ourselves. And what damage does that do? When my friends say 'you deserve to be a mother', my initial response is 'why'? What do you base this belief on? if you look at my history, the risk of my screwing up at parenting is much higher then average. Combined with my tendency to be lazy, not follow through on things, get bored easily, love to sleep, and controlling manner, it's a recipe for chaos and disaster. And you think I deserve to throw a child into that mix? What am I missing here?

But there I am telling someone else they deserve to be a mother, too. And I usually base it on my gut. Except with fellow bloggers, and then god help me if there's any rhyme or reason to my justification! What I've read? What they've commented? Or I don't have anything to base why they don't deserve.

So maybe we should all leave it up to the powers that be.

But my my my wouldn't that be boring~

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Has it really been a month since my last post? I suppose it has.
Truth be told, I have thought about posting something, only to find the 'what do I possibly have to say' thought running through my mind.
When I first started the blog, it was a template for venting and frustration and maybe meeting others rowing the same boat. Once tapped in, I found an amazing support group of gals who understood my plight for pregnancy and empathized with all the trimmings. Not sympathy, like my friends offer (and I am thankful for most of the time), but empathy of either having been there, being there, or leaving there.
Then the news ~ the poop on my hope parade. Guess you could say it left me a bit speechless. I didn't want to be a negative blogger, always ranting and raving about the unjustness of the fertile world. I struggled to think of something more to talk about only to find it didn't seem witty or important or interesting at all!
So now what.

So now I do my best to change gears and start blogging about the foster care classes, my new house, decorating for invisable children..... my life. And if you don't like it, or the way I describe it, then I guess it's your 5 minutes you wasted reading it to find that out!

Foster care classes are fine. I am somewhat bored as I already know most of the information. I find myself looking towards the classes more like a teacher then a student, offering up my own experiences on the other side ~ being the Child Protective Services worker these people will have to deal with in the future. Although the trainers are fairly realistic, I have been around for 6+ years and seen an array of problems and solutions. The happy stories they like to tell to smooth the corners are not always the best options. I am a big fan of hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Seeing these bright eyed do-gooder wanna-bees in my class is a bit frightening but we all have to start somewhere. My assumed purpose is to add my 2 cents here and there and hope it helps and the trainers are not offended.
There are 2 others in my class who also pipe up, a child therapist and a current foster parent. The foster parent is unlicensed and has 2 adoptive placements in their home. They bring real life in my house examples to everyone about their 2 future sons who are currently testing the boundaries and running amok. The therapist brings real life experiences on how to deal with certain topics and discussions necessary with older children.
And the paperwork. My god the paperwork. I did less paperwork becoming a case manager who is listed as the legal guardian for every child on my caseload!
They changed us to a more seasoned licensing worker at the original new worker's request. It was all nice and please and thank you, but I got the idea that after hearing me blah blah blahing in class they had a little meeting and realized I might be a handful. Good.

House is coming along. I previously mentioned painting the bedroom, but since then have decided I don't like it. I love the color, this rich caramel color, but I just can't get it to go with anything else. The duvet is a moss green and I really like it. It goes well with the paint, but I have been going over and over what options I have for the large windows. I feel I need to tie in the duvet color somehow, but nothing seems to work I think of. I will be spending yet another weekend repainting a light green color, then getting curtains the darker color the walls are right now. Lets hope it works because I am really getting sick of thinking about it.
Today I painted the biggest wall in the kitchen/family room a nice taupe color. I am not a taupe kinda gal so it's a new thing for me. I got a bright fabric on sale and will be making cornaces to go above all 4 of the windows which should brighten up the room.
Next project will be the nursery. I won a cute bedding set on ebay and will coordinate that. And I notified my friends I wanted them to host a baby shower for me. When getting questioning looks, I merely pointed out that just because I wasn't going to be pushing a baby out, didn't mean I wasn't going to get one. So why should, on top of all the other thinks I am missing out on by not getting pregnant, I get jipped on a shower, too?