Friday, February 29, 2008

Date: Fri, 29 Feb 2008 17:48:17 -0700
Subject: RE: baby boy.

The CPC has been signed by the court, so I need to move the baby as soon as possible. I want to give you some time to get things together and say good bye. The Case aide and I will be moving M on Wednesday, March 5. We will be by around 10:00 am. Thanks for the update on M's progress. You have done a great job with him, and I appreciate it.

If you have any questions just let me know. I will see you Wednesday.
Piece of shit case manager

Took out the baby's name and a little liberty with the cm's name.
Note how she sent an e-mail, didn't call, and then sent the fucking thing at 5:45PM when I would not be able to call her at the office.

Note how completely and utterly fucking fucking pissed I am, which is my only defense between bouts of crying and near hyperventilation.

My husband is out of state for another week. He won't even get to say good-bye.

No transition.

Did I mention I can't breathe?

Monday morning will start a shit storm. I will be calling the cm and her supervisor's supervisor. Remember, her direct supervisor is the piece of shit I used to work with and who has a personal problem with me - even though she's the one who screwed up. So no point in trying to go through her, going directly over her ass.
Already sent an e-mail to GAL as well as leaving her a vmm.

I don't know if I can do this again. I am losing my baby in the worst possible way.

This shit is why there are so many foster parents who quit. This shit is why CPS gets a bad reputation. This shit is why there are so many fucked up kids in the world. Kids who started out great and then some asshole took advantage of that great happy little disposition and stunted them for life.

God I hope my baby comes out of this ok.

I am all alone and the only thing I can think of to do is write on this stupid blog.
I can't stop crying and I don't know what to do with myself. I tried to take a bath and relax. I tried watching TV. I tried calling my best friend but hung up before dialing because I just can't TALK about it. And now I'm here sitting in the dark alone in this fucking house typing away.
I don't know how to end this post.

rantings and updates

For someone with no job and not much to do, I seem to be struggling to keep up on blogging. This includes writing & reading.
There are days in which I will spend hours (of course these hours are broken up by nap times) catching up on people's posts. Then there are times when I don't. I apologize in advance, if any such apology is needed, for my inconsistency. Sometimes I feel guilty about not keeping up, especially with those whose stories have inspired me, or advice via comments on my own posts have offered insight, blessings, or encouragement. I really do appreciate all of it.

I have long noticed a trend in blogging, that the more sad, depressing, or horrific the content of the post, the more people appear to be reading. The day to day stuff is less interesting I suppose. Or maybe this is my jaded perception. It's here nor there. I equate it to a good book. I just finished a book that was about a boy's life after accidentally allowing his little brother to drown while he was giving him a bath. He thought the gesture would make his mother happy as she was always complaining about how dirty the boy was. After getting him into the bath, he was "squirmy" so the brother went to his room to fetch a toy to keep him occupied so he could properly wash him. When he returned a moment later the boy was gone.
He spent the rest of his life atoning. Mother became alcoholic and dependent upon prescription drugs, father not really there. He dropped out of college to take care of his mother and ended-up with no life of his own.

The book was totally boring.

Thus my comparison to blogging. I may have found it more interesting if I could relate, or maybe if I had known someone like that.
This also correlates to how I read blogs.
I like the day to day stuff. I relate to staying at home, or caring for kids, or anything that could just as well happen to me.

And now that I've gone off on this tangent, I find myself lacking a point!
So we'll venture off~

Boy finally had a visit with MGM yesterday. Aide was 45 minutes late picking him up so I seriously doubt the visit was all of the 90 minutes it was supposed to be. At least it was at her home and not the CPS office. Again, he didn't eat at the visit. For me this is a sign of comfort. Eating and sleeping are things most young kids only do when truly comfortable with the person and environment.

I have not heard back from his CM after both an e-mail and a voicemail. No surprise there. In a way I understand since his case is not a major priority. I myself was often guilty of not focusing on the 'easy' cases because I had so many volatile issues happening on other cases that needed immediate attention. That knowledge and understanding does not make it any less annoying now that I am on the other side.....

We continue to just take it day by day. I am assured MGM still wants him and that he will be going to her. OK. I get it. But when? And how? These are the times my being a CPS worker back fires on me as I KNOW this is not going as it should.

The sleeping issues are resolved. We're now working on the eating. Trying to get him to try new things and be less dependent on formula. At 9 1/2 months I feel he should be learning more, but I could be wrong. He's all over the house, crawling and standing and walking around the coffee table. He babbles and sometimes says things that sound like words, but I can't be sure.

Two days ago I said to him 'you've got boogers in your nose!' and he said 'booga'. He's said it a few times since but I think he's just learning to put some of the sounds he knows together. I would hate to think one of his first words was actually booger.

Thursday, February 21, 2008


No visit again this week.
That makes two weeks in a row there's been no call from the CM or the case aide and no visit with MGM.
What a wonderful transition.............

Is it really all that evil for me to be hoping something happened to MGM? Nothing catastrophic, just something enough to make her, well, go away.

I used to hope she'd be ruled out or give up. Then I just started hoping the boy would have a good life no matter where he ended-up. That he would become a wonderful man some day and that I could smile hoping my little contribution helped to shape the rest of his days.

Now I'm back to hoping on the first thing.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Limbo and Cherios

Thanks for the assvice.....
Friday night I put him to bed as I used to. No muss, no fuss. Just a bath, small rock in the recliner in his room in the dark while singing, then in to the crib you go. I knew he was tired, so after about 2 minutes of crying he was asleep.
Woo hoo, right?
Nuh Uh.

About an hour later, up crying. Standing in his crib. Then screaming. Went in, told him no, it was time to sleep, layed him back down, left again. This went on for 1.5 hours. Thank goodness my hubby was there with me, and we took turns going in every few minutes. After he started to tire, we rubbed his back a little bit to help calm him and he finally went down for good.
All night. (0:

Last night, went right to sleep. Didn't wake up until 4:45, and wouldn't go back to sleep. Tried everything, until about 6:00 I thought, well maybe he's hungry. Sure enough, sucked down 5 ounces and went right back to sleep ~ until 9:15 this morning (a new record).

So now we're on to the no eating thing. I know his appetite was bad for a bit, likely b/c of being sick and the meds. Would normally suck down 7 ounces like nothing, now barely interested in 3. But today he is more interested in formula, although not much else. Cherios. He's in to those. So it's formula and cereal and nothing else.

Aside from that, we're still living in limbo land. There was supposed to be a court hearing last Thursday to discuss his Change in Physical custody Motion to MGM. GAL called in the AM to let me know she was at court (she usually is all day) and the hearing was not on the Judge's calender. Wasn't sure why, but said not to worry b/c she submitted a written response to the motion voicing her concerns with the lack of transition. She does not believe the Judge will sign off on it, but wanted me to keep in close contact with her on the visitation or any communications with the CM.

There was no visit last week. None. Not even a phone call.

I just don't get it.

Friday, February 15, 2008


Soliciting some assvice as I am running out of ideas~

For the last few weeks, the boy has been having difficulty sleeping. Nap times were still pretty ok, but at night he suddenly needed to be put to sleep instead of getting him drowsy and then putting him in his crib to go to sleep on his own.
It can take upwards of an hour to get him down. We'll rock him, then the minute you try and put him in the crib he starts crying.
Tried crying it out, but his instinct when no one responds within about a minute is to stand up in his crib. Then he is more awake then before and you're starting at the beginning, only he's that much more sensitive.
He has to be COMPLETELY asleep before you put him in the crib. And even then there is a strategy involved for the least amount of movement possible.

And after that, he's up at least once a night. And then it takes going through the entire above process to get him back down.

It's like he's completely lost the ability to self soothe. right now he's sick so I know that's taking a toll. He doesn't want to eat and the formula isn't as filling as food (plus he usually takes 7 ounces and is currently only taking 3-4 at a time). He's also stuffed up and breathing through his mouth, with makes him thirsty. So the digression back to the 2AM feeding is ok, I understand what could be causing it.

But the changes in GOING to sleep and STAYING asleep started before getting sick.

Any advice would be appreciated. I am started to get worn out and tired!!! I myself have been sick, which is making my patience even thinner~

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Oh where to start this post. Guess we'll cover one thing at a time ~ NOT in any order.

First off, thank you for all the well wished about my other dad. He's doing a-maz-ing right now. AMAZING. He's breathing entirely on his own, which means the collapsed lung is healing itself. Also means the flailing ribs on that side may have re-aligned themselves, otherwise they would still be poking him and making breathing too uncomfortable. His hip surgery went well. His foot/leg/ankle surgery is scheduled for Thursday, which will be big b/c that's the only thing they aren't positive they can fix. There's been talk of possible amputation.......

My correspondance with the GAL continued and she let me know last week the state filed a Change in Physical Custody for the boy to go to his MGM. This was the response to the request for increased visits. Neat, huh.
GAL stated she had concerns and a court hearing is set for Thursday. My mom will come over to sit and I will attend.
If MGM is appropriate, then great. But where's the transition? This is also the GAL's concern. We're asking for increased visitation for at least two weeks before he is placed in her custody.

I went to San Diego over the weekend - Friday night to Sunday - to visit my brother on his ship. He's the Chief Engineer on a Sea Lift Command ship. The thing is HUGE. Anyhoo, it was a test for both the baby and my husband as they have not been left alone together for any major period of time.

The boy was cranky, finiky about eating, and up several times a night. I believe this is a good indicator of the issues he will face when moved to MGM home. He knows my husband, but is dependent upon me for most things. Same with MGM. He reached for her right off the bat at the last visit (made me feel better that he at least appears to recognize her). But that's just play time and you look like you could entertain me. Not all the other stuff. So we'll see.

I was initially heartbroken, having to try and block out the thought of him going because the smallest thing would make me cry. I even had to text my best friend to tell her he would be leaving because I still can't talk about it. After getting the GAL's email about the filing of the CPC, I spent the night crying and having nightmares.
Over the weekend, my mother was telling someone else about the baby and I had to excuse myself.
What makes it more difficult is everyone's reaction that it isn't right for him to go, that he's attached to me, that I'm a great mom to him, that he's such a wonderfull little boy, etc.
I finally told my mom to stop talking about it.

I realize this will be hard on everyone because he IS such a great baby and everyone loves him. But I seriously don't give a shit at the moment. I am still trying to process it in my own head, much less spend any time trying to counsel others about it.

At the same time, I am starting to wonder what will come next. Or who will come next. What will the next child be like? A baby or a 3 year old? Boy or girl? What will their story be? Will it be long-term or just for a little while?
And then I think about how long I will be able to do this. How long can I risk this succession of children in and out of my life? I know it's just been the one, but still. Fostering to adopt is a risky business. I knew this going in. But now that the first crack is ripping through my heart, I'm not so sure I can continue this risk.
But what's the alternative? Now that I've gotten my foot in the door of parenting, could I step back out to go on an adoption waiting list?

I'm tired people. Tired of feeling as though infertilty and this struggle are some strange atonement for all the things I did bad in my life. Tired of feeling like I am always climbing uphill.

Ever have those fleeting dreams about walking away from your life? I'm having them a lot lately. Just disappearing and starting over somewhere completely different. Would the story line be the same?

Saturday, February 02, 2008

His humor is still intact, even if his body is not.
The first surgery went well. He had the broken arm fixed, a pin put in his hand, and a strange contraption attached to his badly broken right leg. It is supposed to slowly pull the leg apart so that the circulation can continue and so when they finally get in there and try to put his ankle and the bottom of his leg back together there's a little more room.

Still on the ventilator, but the collar is off. He was cleared of any neck or back injury that would be a threat. Still think he may have fractured a vertabrae or two, but think they will heal without intervention.

Yesterday was a pretty bad day for him as they had to take a lot of x-rays. All the josteling around is painfull. They also inserted a feeding tube, only to discover in the evening it was not positioned correctly. The fluids were backing up and not running through as they should. Just one more painfull experience.

This morning they will insert a dye and have to re-do the tube while watching on a monitor.

He wrote on a paper 'glowing', making a joke about all the radiation. Each morning he wants to know what day it is and why he can't talk. Seems the most aggrivating thing is the ventilator; I know he wants to talk and ask questions, but also nods when asked if it hurts. It is a miracle of all the things, his right arm and hand are in perfect working order. I think being able to write is keeping him going. He's known for asking a lot of questions about EVERYTHING.

I remember the one time I went to Disneyland he asked me if I went on this ride, saw this area, etc. for about 15 minutes. Whenever you have a decision to make, he's a great sounding board. Whenever you don't want his opinion, it's not so fun! When he is able to talk, the nurses and doctors will have their hands full......

I told him the Suns lost and he rolled his eyes and made a thumbs down.

Until that moment, I had been keeping it together fairly well, knowing I needed to be the rock for my best friend - who is prone to anxiety on a normal day. When he reacted to the Suns losing, I realized he's still in there. He's still Dad, just a really messed up version. But it's still him. And after a really good cry, I felt a lot better.

Now the worry (for me) turns to all the things to come. Finances, where Mom will stay, how she's doing, who will watch my friend's daughter, who will feed the pets.... All the things in life that will continue while Dad and Mom are on hold.
They are still estimating a month in the hospital, and then there will be lots and lots of rehab.

Thank you for all your well wishes. It means a lot. It all seems easier to lay it all out in the blog then to actually vocalize with anyone. Even though I have let many of my friends and family know what's happening, I haven't spoken with any of them or provided any details. I know some of them will find them here!
I hope you all are well and I'll likely be checking in to see what you all are doing some time next week.