Sunday, March 09, 2008

he's still here

I can't help myself. A few times a day I look at his picture on my phone. It was taken only a few days before he left. I also listen to a recording I made of his laughing while I kissed his belly.

I miss him terribly.

I don't cry as much as before, but the heavy vacant feeling in my chest is still there. At times I find myself convincing myself he's coming back. Like he is on an extended visit or something.

We're back on the list for Monday. That's tomorrow. Now that it's so close, I am scared. I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do. I know I can't sit around and pine for my boy. I know that it's done and over with and not going to change. I know I need to move on. I know my propensity for depression.
I know without something else to do I may end up in my car stalking out MGM home trying to get a glimpse of my boy.

That would not be good.

While out on Saturday, I ran into a GAL I used to work with. We spend quite a bit of time together on this case or that. She was an Assistant Attorney General, then found she needed to work for the children instead of representing CPS.

She was with her daughter. I remember when she was pregnant.
She recognized me right away and asked how things were. I told her about the boy. She remembered I left the State to do foster parenting. She said 'Didn't they know who they were messing with? You were always such an advocate for you kids. It's sad they didn't utilize your skills'.

Big happy smile from me. THIS is how I wanted to be remembered.

She went on to tell me she had staffings coming up for several children for adoptive homes. She wanted my e-mail, phone number, licensing agency, and worker's name. She is specifically requesting our file be presented.
There is still hope my 7 years at CPS was not wasted. That someone will put in a good word. A helping hand. Something.

I came home feeling hope.

Then I saw the little hand print in the dust of my dirty coffee table.


Stephanie said...

I can't imagine the loss you are feeling. To give your heart to a little one then having them leave. Heart breaking! You are stronger than I could be.

Grannymar said...

Look on that hand print as a message from the boy not to give up hoping!

Each new day brings you nearer to attaining your goal.

Yondalla said...

Just wanted to let you know I am here, listening.

My Reality said...

I am so happy to hear you have some hope. It does sound like this former co-worker is in your corner. If she can help you bring home a baby, that would be amazing!

Bea said...

My heart broke when you mentioned the handprint. I'm glad your colleague remembers you as a kid's advocate.


Torina said...

I have been lurking for a short while now. My heart breaks for your loss. I am glad you aren't giving up. Your connections will be valuable. Maybe you should do some more reconnecting :) Networking isn't a half bad thing. Market yourself and start a buzz that you are the mom to place wishes! --Torina

Amanda said...

It's so hard. You will get through it - you know that - but that doesn't make right now any easier. Hell I cried when I just read about the handprint. I can't imagine what it must be like for you.

I do think that your connections will pay off. I hope it's sooner rather than later.

Kara said...

Beautiful post, I really admire and respect you for being so open and honest with your sharing. You are a great example for what us foster parents to be to strive to become.

Hope your days get easier and you have a placement really soon.

OHN said...

Even a simple thing like a handprint can bring you your knees.

Even I can't stop thinking about the boy. I just have this nagging thought that MGM is going to verbalize her limitations and things could still change. I am probably being naive and not knowing your system in your state but that nagging feeling is still there. At the very least, you are on my mind and I hope you are seeing less sadness.