sigh

There isn't much happening.
Every day is a little better. It is still heart wrenching when anyone asks me about the boy or comments about how hard this must all be.

Particularly difficult when my 2 year old god child asks 'where's the baby?' every 20 minutes when I'm with her. She LOVED the boy. Smothered him every chance she got. Now I just say 'He's at home'.

Time marches on slowly.

I am still in the work vs foster care debate. There is an opening at CPS for a trainer. I am considering it. I would be working with a friend, training new hires, and at the district office. I would have (maybe) the opportunity to try and train people on how to better meet the needs of the children. Maybe help change the focus just a little. Hell, if I knew I got one person to do things differently it would be a start, right?

But part of me is not ready to give up just yet. I liked being a mom. If I go to work, we would not do foster care. We would wait for an adoptive placement. Who knows how long that will be? I am just meeting other stay at home moms and finding things to do around here.
I am getting used to wearing pajamas more then not.
I am getting used to not dealing with others unless I want to.

We are supposedly on the list for a new foster placement since last Monday. I honestly don't know how much faith I put in our licensing worker to get it right. He's quite unorganized. If we continue with foster care there might be an agency change in our future.

I have not finished the scrapbook yet. At first I was OK looking at all of his pictures, but then it got too hard. I need to finish it soon and send it to him. I have decided to include a picture of me with him, as well as both a letter to MGM and family and a general letter/list of things about him. I figure it can't hurt to give them my phone number and e-mail. My return address will be on the album. I have not decided exactly what I will say, other then that we love and miss him very much. I have not decided if I will ask for updates. Partly because even if MGM was willing, I don't think she has much follow through. I would be asking and hoping for something and leaving myself vulnerable again. But who knows. Maybe I will anyway.

I haven't been able to bring myself to clean the coffee table with the hand print. It's dusty as all hell but it's in the front 'formal' living room we don't use. I doubt my husband even noticed. There are actually two prints. I look at them almost every time I walk by.

I don't listen to the laugh or look at the picture on the phone as much.
I don't cry myself to sleep every night. Just some.

I'm finding the less I focus on it the better. I feel like such an asshole trying to put him out of my mind, but I think it's my best chance at getting over it.
When I do think about him, I try to shift my thoughts to the good things and not the bad. We knew he was leaving and no matter how it went down, I was going to be sad. I was going to miss him. I was going to hate it.
It could have been so much worse. He could have been here longer then 7 months. We could have not known all along he was going and been broadsided. He could have been reunified with a drug user or prostitute or other shady person instead of a loving MGM.

For all her faults (let's recap just for giggles - dirty house, unprepared, passive, poor) she loves the boy. Before us he lived with his mother. She loved him.

He has never gone without love.

I have to believe that will make all the difference in the end.