Tuesday, March 18, 2008

sigh

There isn't much happening.
Every day is a little better. It is still heart wrenching when anyone asks me about the boy or comments about how hard this must all be.

Particularly difficult when my 2 year old god child asks 'where's the baby?' every 20 minutes when I'm with her. She LOVED the boy. Smothered him every chance she got. Now I just say 'He's at home'.

Time marches on slowly.

I am still in the work vs foster care debate. There is an opening at CPS for a trainer. I am considering it. I would be working with a friend, training new hires, and at the district office. I would have (maybe) the opportunity to try and train people on how to better meet the needs of the children. Maybe help change the focus just a little. Hell, if I knew I got one person to do things differently it would be a start, right?

But part of me is not ready to give up just yet. I liked being a mom. If I go to work, we would not do foster care. We would wait for an adoptive placement. Who knows how long that will be? I am just meeting other stay at home moms and finding things to do around here.
I am getting used to wearing pajamas more then not.
I am getting used to not dealing with others unless I want to.

We are supposedly on the list for a new foster placement since last Monday. I honestly don't know how much faith I put in our licensing worker to get it right. He's quite unorganized. If we continue with foster care there might be an agency change in our future.

I have not finished the scrapbook yet. At first I was OK looking at all of his pictures, but then it got too hard. I need to finish it soon and send it to him. I have decided to include a picture of me with him, as well as both a letter to MGM and family and a general letter/list of things about him. I figure it can't hurt to give them my phone number and e-mail. My return address will be on the album. I have not decided exactly what I will say, other then that we love and miss him very much. I have not decided if I will ask for updates. Partly because even if MGM was willing, I don't think she has much follow through. I would be asking and hoping for something and leaving myself vulnerable again. But who knows. Maybe I will anyway.

I haven't been able to bring myself to clean the coffee table with the hand print. It's dusty as all hell but it's in the front 'formal' living room we don't use. I doubt my husband even noticed. There are actually two prints. I look at them almost every time I walk by.

I don't listen to the laugh or look at the picture on the phone as much.
I don't cry myself to sleep every night. Just some.

I'm finding the less I focus on it the better. I feel like such an asshole trying to put him out of my mind, but I think it's my best chance at getting over it.
When I do think about him, I try to shift my thoughts to the good things and not the bad. We knew he was leaving and no matter how it went down, I was going to be sad. I was going to miss him. I was going to hate it.
It could have been so much worse. He could have been here longer then 7 months. We could have not known all along he was going and been broadsided. He could have been reunified with a drug user or prostitute or other shady person instead of a loving MGM.

For all her faults (let's recap just for giggles - dirty house, unprepared, passive, poor) she loves the boy. Before us he lived with his mother. She loved him.

He has never gone without love.

I have to believe that will make all the difference in the end.

5 comments:

Amanda said...

You're not an asshole!!! You're coping with a terrible loss. However that looks for you, it is what it is.

And know that, no matter how hard it was or how much it blows (and it totally does blow), he is better off for his time with you.When all is said and done, that's all we have left to hold on to.

hope548 said...

I think you've got to do what you need to so you can grieve and begin to heal. Don't judge yourself.

OHN said...

Honestly I think you have shown great restraint. I know by now I would have been called into the local PD for suspicion of stalking. You have the right perspective but I know it hurts.

Debating your options is bound to make you a little nuts..what does Mr. Princess have to offer?

Chris said...

From where I sit you are doing a great job coping with a crappy situation. I'm on spring break this week and next. Wanna get together and have lunch and/or scrapbook? I still need to get my profile book back from our social worker so that I can finish it.

My Reality said...

I am amazed by your view on this. You are strong, you are courageous and you are doing better than just getting by. You recognize the good in a shitty situation. I don't blame you for not cleaning the hand print off the table. I still have nose prints on my back door from our dog that we lost a year and a half ago. Don't do anything until the time feels right.