Today was Sweet Pea's first visit with mom. The three other kids were there as well, but I arrived first and had time to talk with mom.
She was open and honest with me about her issues. She thanked me over and over again for taking care of her baby. She remarked how great he looked and how happy she was he was in a good home.
It was quite pleasant compared to so many of the clients I worked with as a CM. Not just their treatment of me as the evil CPS worker, but many of them were just unpleasant all around, even to the foster parents.
The worker supervising the visit was 20 minutes late. When she arrived, she informed me I would have to leave, as would the other foster mom. We were both a bit surprised as Mom was fine with us being there. I told her my concerns with Sweet Pea's adjustment issues and that this was his nap time. She called her supervisor, then said that I needed to get approval from the CM. For now, we would have to go.
I think I counted to 45 in my head before the screaming started.
They had to go outside because of another meeting in the room, so Mom suggested we leave. At least she had the common sense to know a 3 month old in 93 degree heat for an hour is not a good thing.
I had to wait and calm him down before we left or he'd scream the entire ride home. All in all, we were there just under an hour, about 40 minutes of it pleasant.
As a CM I worked with many many foster parents. Most were wonderful, but there were a few who couldn't let go. They argued about almost everything with a reason for every gripe. And even though I knew in my heart they were trying to protect the children in their care, it was annoying. So much so I found myself frequently tuning them out.
I am afraid of becoming one of these.
On the other hand, I am compelled to request some changes for Sweet Pea's sake. Morning visits that don't interfere with his long nap, shorter visits, one on one visits so mom can focus, and also so her visits with the other three older kids she can play with them.
I am quite melancholy this afternoon and I couldn't put my finger on it until a short time ago.
I am torn as a foster parent wanting to adopt.
I am starting to think this may not be a good fit for me.
As a foster parent, our goal HAS TO BE to assist in reuniting children with their parents whenever possible. To ASSIST the state in their goals.
How can I do this when I have my own goals??
Right this moment it popped into my head that I'm a fake mommy.
I know that's stupid, but it's lingering around in there.
Mom made a comment asking if I had any children. I told her no.
She said 'when you do you'll be a great mom'.
most of the shit doesn't stick, but this comment is haunting me.
I don't know why but I feel myself at an emotional cross roads. I feel as though I am in limbo, not becoming anything.
I realize I am doing something wonderful for this little boy.
But what about me?