Sunday, October 19, 2008

now and then

This was taken last week. SP was playing with this toy train that we've had for some time and he never showed much interest in it. My Mom and I were on the couch and suddenly heard his giggling his head off. He was amusing himself playing with the wheels, laughing hysterically for about 15 minutes (a life time for a baby to play with anything).

I love the way he was doing his own thing but still managed to ham for the camara.

He's pulling up on everything now and loves to play with the dog door. Only fallen through once, purely on accident. The dog likes to lay right on the other side and watch the baby drool all over the glass. You can see my Dad's hand coming through the dog door in this shot. He was making funny noises from the other side and SP thought that was toooooo funny.

Why MY mouth is open, I don't know. Blame Pavlov.

Out to dinner for birthdays and got the free dessert; brownie with vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce drizzled all about.

I gave the boy a taste of the ice cream (I like to let him explore new things, only to take them away I guess since he's not had sweets before or since). He was quite happy with the ice cream, so I thought I'd see what the chocolate drizzle did for him. I awakened a sleeping chocoholic. My oh my. He Fah-reaked out! It was funny at first, all that jumping up and down and squeeling, but not so much when mommy decided that was enough and he was climbing over everyone to try and get just another taste of that decadent brown goo......

Eventually had to cover it with a napkin and pass him over to my Mom to redirect~

This is SP the first week we had him (2 1/2 months old). I downloaded these shots off of my Mom's camara last week and was saddened and elated by this and similar other pictures.

He wouldn't make eye contact, no smiling or engaging of any kind. Very alert, but seemingly in his own little happy place. It broke my heart this little thing had already had to check out.

I am amazed how different he is today. Mr. Happy Pants most of the time. Of course we're currently in the whining and fake crying to get attention phase, but that aside he's not the same boy.

And it make me very happy to know I had a hand in that.

Recently I've been struggling with what I want in life. It's not just my wants, but my limits that are in question.

Some days I want to save the world one child at a time. Who cares if my heart breaks again, if I pour all I have into a little vessel that will float away....... they need someone. Why not me?

Other days I remember the ache when Baby Boy left and wonder if I could take it again. I think maybe there's a reason I'm infertile. That at some point, one must call it a day and move on.

Suffice it to say today's a save the world day. This is also attributed to watching CSI and there was a murdered woman who's 2 year old daughter was missing. She was in a casino daycare and crying. All I could think of was 'I could take her'. That poor little girl.

And there are so many of these kids with too much history and not enough love. If I can maintain some focus, maybe, just maybe, I could BE that person that helps. Even if it breaks my heart a little.


Gretchen Osowski said...

I am so happy that you shared your story and pictures with us. Thanks again. I agree with you about saving the world one child at a time. I also know what you mean when you say that there's a reason you're infertile. I often think that, and then wonder if there's a bigger purpose in my life then having my own kids. Is it adoption, or maybe I'm not ment to have children, maybe I should be doing something else, but what, I don't know.
Your little guy is so cute.

Lauren said...

I love these photos! You're doing a really good thing. It's just too bad that your heart has to break so much in the process. I think we'll all have a few questions for God someday, mainly, "Why?" Wouldn't it be nice to know today? :)