Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Have you ever felt the weight of your heart ON your chest? This is how I have felt much of today.
Every so often, I am almost overcome by this feeling.
My heart aches.
I remember, I lament, I dwell.

Of all the things I would seek therapy for, this is it. My inability to completely let things go ~ old matters of the heart.
I think about old boyfriends and wonder where they are. I contemplate how I would find them to ask. I daydream about what life would have been like if we had stayed together.
Much of this is focused on my boyfriend that died when I was 18. Shawn. We had broken up and were not speaking. I had gone to his house one night, flirting with reconciliation, only to be in the car -thinking- when another car pulled up with another girl in it. She went into the house, I did not.
We went to community college together, shared several classes. After that moment in the car in his driveway, I knew it was over.

There was one day he was sitting at a table within sight of my friend and I in the MU. He looked unhappy, like something had happened. I was worried, but unwilling to break our uncomfortable silence, thus I sent my friend to ask him what was wrong. He told her things were not so great, but did not elaborate.
I would later find out that girl that went into his house came out pregnant.

He died only 2 weeks after that. Skateboarding and hit a rock. No helmet. Brain damage, on life support to donate his organs, which were wonderfully passed along to those in need. I will never forget that phone call from his mother. I will never forget the support his friend gave me, even though we were no longer together. I cannot forget, even if I tried.

It was a hard pill to swallow. I loved him, even though he was a jerk. I often have to remind myself to stop making him out to be something he was not, turning him into some kind of saint in death.
But this is only one of those I often wonder about. The biggest. The ache that will never subside, the words never spoken. No true closure. There are others, who have taken pieces of my heart; the holes they left that ache like today.

I believe Shawn's death sparked my problem. Now I am always looking back, wondering. Was there something more. Did I hurt someone. Do they still love me.
I suppose I must need to believe that they have kept those pieces of my heart with them, that they were not taken away for nothing. That they still have some kind of meaning for the holder.

I read a quote once that said "I go to my death not regretting the things I did, but the things I did not do". I don't remember who said it, and usually do not remember quotes at all. But this rings in my head during these times of remembrance.........

I do not really believe in regret and have gone out of my way to commit to my decisions fully. I know each of my lost loves and relationships were for one reason or another, most ended by me, also for a reason.

And yet, days like this when I pass that community college, with such a heavy chest I labor to breathe, I cry.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Back from Mexico and had a fabulous time!! I've got a tan, hoping some great pictures, and great news, but one thing at a time.

The trip started horribly. We missed our flight. I live in AZ, where we don't always remember going to Mexico is an international flight. Until recently, you didn't even need a passport! So when we finally got parked and finally picked up by the bus and finally dropped off at the terminal and finally walked the entire length of the terminal to get to the right counter and finally got to the counter after waiting in line, we were 6 minutes past the cut-off. 6 f-in minutes. So after all that, we had to reverse it all, go home, and wait to do it all again the next day.
We tried to make the most of it, hanging in the pool, lounging around, went to see Spidey movie (not all that great in my opinion). But it initially appeared the vacation gods were against us.

Success the following day, then karma jumping in our favor by providing a wonderful vacation with not a single, solitary problem.
Hotel was wonderful. Luna Blue in Playa del Carmen if you're ever heading that way is great.
Diving was AMAZING. Saw a ton of turtles, fish, rays, coral, the works. Hoping to god some of the pictures we took with these disposable cameras come out. Visibility was great, so there is hope!!
Also dove the cenotes. I'm not all high tech, or low tech even, so I can't put a link here to some fact filled web site. So the Reader's Digest version is this:
There are a charted 350 miles of underground rivers and cave systems in this area of Mexico called the cenotes. The Mayans built their civilizations around them, as well as their roads from town to town. They were caves until the ice age ended, then flooded them with fresh water.
Being in them is like being in outer space. Mostly dark, caves, with stalagmites and stalactites everywhere. Where there are openings, you find these amazing colors of blue from the rays of light. It's like nothing I've ever seen before, and most people will never see. An estimated 15% of the population are certified divers, then a mere 5% active. only .10% of that 5% ever get to dive the cenotes.

So yes, I am totally cool. (0:

Visited the ruins, snorkeled with the turtles, watched a barracuda eating silver fish (scary as hell but entrancing), climbed the tallest known Mayan temple, drank lots of Sol (beer), and ate ate ate.

Are you ready?

I'm going to be an Auntie!!!

Deciding to call to check on our dog, I elected to also check my e-mail. Just to see if there was anything happening or if anyone missed me.
I received an e-mail from my sister in law announcing they have been selected to adopt a little girl from China. They will travel in about 6 months to bring her back to their home in Portland.
How freaking exciting!!!

I know she's beside herself, having wanted this so badly. I also know the next 6 months are going to be excruciating, the minutes ticking by.
And, of course, her husband in there, too! How easily we, or I, tend to think only of the woman in this such situation!

Anyway, great vacation and great news. Very exciting couple of weeks.
I'm still off until Tuesday, doing laundry and home stuff. Very mundane but necessary. No complaining from me!

I'll be catching up on blogs while I'm at it, leaving my 2 cents, sometimes 2 bucks, here and there...............

Friday, May 11, 2007

It's been a month??

Could it really have been a month since my last post? I guess there are more times then not I feel I haven't much to say, so why bother? The few people who do read my blog most likely don't have the time or the patience to read 'dear diary' entries, which leads me to not posting for an entire month~ The latest it much more interesting, so now I have something to write about.

We completed both of our home studies and classes. Now it all gets submitted, approved, and we're open for business!

I submitted my resignation and my last day is 6-22. I have extremely mixed feelings. On the one hand, I am excited to become a full time parent. It will be nice to wear pajamas all day long if I want to, not having to worry so much about clients and court and appointments.

On the other hand, I don't know how to leave work behind. As stressful as my job is, I'm good at it. I like it for the most part. I'm already starting to miss it and it's still a month away from waving good-bye.

We went to Florida last week and visited with my father-in-law and his wife. It was a lot of fun and we saw about as much of Tampa Bay as you possibly could in 4 days. We went diving in fresh water springs, snorkeling with manatees, layed on a beach and burned my whiteness, drove up and down the coast checking out how the other half lives, and got eaten by mosquitos. I would love Florida if it weren't for those damn buggers!

While I was there, my co-worker was covering a hearing for me. I realized just how hard it will be to leave my work when I gave in and e-mailed her to see what happened at court. I'm on vacation. In Florida. Checking on work. So so sad.....

Working my ass off getting everything done possible. Going in at 8AM, leaving at 7PM. Yet somehow I'm energized. Procrastination is my name and cramming is my game! Got some crackers to go with that cheese??

Monday we leave for Mexico for almost 2 weeks. Playa del Carmen. Have lots of dives planned and the rest we'll fill in. No phone. No computer. No TV. Say what?? What are we going to do at night with no tv? Talk? Ewwwww.

Here's some pictures of the nursery. I haven't started on the toddler room, which will be a fish theme. Couldn't decide on paint colors (for those of you who have been following along this is a major issue for me). Have decided on blue, green, and leftover yellow. There's still time.
The top picture is the border. I used acrylic paint and some foam stamps I already had. It's a fro/bug theme in there. Turned out pretty cute! Made the BABY shadow boxes with cheap frames from IKEA, gingham fabric from Joanne, painted wood letters (same paint as on the walls), and some butterfly and dragonfly ornaments I bought on close out a year ago. Walls are light yellow and Haystack green.
I'll put up some pictures from Mexico when I get back.
Oh, yeah. Almost forgot to include the fertility update!
I went to the dr and (drum roll paleez) "Let's try putting you on birth control".
Been there, done that. No thank you. Makes me ill, doesn't work. Still have 2 week periods every 3 weeks, only on the pill I PMS and get nausea. What's behind door #2?
Ovarian stimulant. Um, tried that, too. We have a new one. Great. Sign me up. Who cares anymore. Do I shoot it? Stick it? Inject it? Shove it into dark places? It's just a pill you start on cycle day #1. Now here's the problem, doc. No one knows when exactly that it. Is it when I start spotting, cramping, bloating, bleeding? Cause all this happens 2-3 times and I for one have no idea when day one is in there. Let's do an ultrasound to see where you're at. wonderful.
Door #3 ~ cycts. We're back to Door #1, come back to see if they're gone, then Door #2.
Pill for a month, yucky but tolerable. Cysts gone - yeay! Going to Mexico and not keen on trying a new medication while in another country - boo. One more month of the pill. ok.
Then I got an ear infection. Antibiotics don't mix with the pill.
So now nothing. Let's hope Aunt Flo doesn't crash my vacation. Or if she's gonna, can she at least pack light and stay the normal 5 days??
Guess we'll see. Hope everyone is well in their adventures and such. I'm too tired now, but will check in to see how everyone is doing when I get back in 2 weeks.