Friday, May 09, 2008

can there be a foster parent day instead?

My struggle to find my happy place continues.
I still feel like a fake mother.
I do not wish to acknowledge mother's day as a holiday regarding me. I am not really a mother. Finalize an adoption or give birth. THEN I will feel it.
For now, it does not feel right.

I feel a stretched bond with Sweet Pea. It is nothing like it was with Baby Boy, which is to be expected. I felt in many ways the boy was mine.
I do not share that sentiment regarding Sweet Pea.

Maybe because I've met his mother and did not the boy's. Maybe it's because I'm once bitten twice shy. Maybe I'm already tired.

I continue to experience my fleeting fantasies of walking away from this life to start another. Like this path is damaged or incorrect, and I should cut my losses and see what else there is.
I know I am crazy.

Sweet Pea continues to thrive. He's now got rolls behind his knees and is turning into a total chub. He has started laughing, usually at the strangest things and times.
He is still demanding, screaming when he wants something. Let's hope this is not a life long response!

I finished the boy's scrapbook. I am waiting for confirmation from his CM on MGM's address as she was renting while her burned down house was re-built. I will have nice color copies made for myself, but will sent the book.
I put a lot of work and love into it, but in say 10 years, it will not mean half as much to me as it will to him. I will always love and remember him, but not in a way that justifies keeping this book that's all about, and for, him.

I still take Sweet Pea to his visits. Well, I took him on Thursday and again this Saturday. It's strange not being the one redirecting or leading mom. Hard to put that case manager hat aside. Of course this is further complicated by Mom's burning need to talk with me and update me on everything she's doing. I asked the cm to talk with her about treating me more like furniture. I am there to hold the baby when she is not, and that's it.
As much as I thought I wanted to know about the case, I am finding I actually don't.

I spoke with hubs about it and am going to start pulling away from visits. They will be harder without me there for him, and there may be some difficulties as a result, but I feel I need the separation.
Self preservation. That's kinda my current focus.
I am not a stresser. I do not really get anxiety.
I am full of both, with a side of melancholy depression these days.

I think it's a phase. A normal phase. A late breaking remnant of infertility shit that was bound to happen.
I just wish it would go on it's merry way already.


G said...

I lurk on your site, but I thought I would reach out and say you are an amazing mom to sweat pea and to baby boy. Foster or not, you made (are making) such a wonderful difference in their lives. Isn't that the definition of mother?


Chris said...

Having seen you with Sweet Pea just this week, and having seen how you interact with each other, even though you feel you are distanced from him, you are every bit as loving as a mother should be. And in seeing how you are together I can understand how this is such an emotionally scary place for you. I wish there was a way to make this easier for you. You are his world, and so deserve your own holiday to celebrate this.

Eos said...

{{{hugs}}} Been there so I understand. I'm at a good point now (14+ yrs of infertility will do that!)but I remember feeling so darn raw...I don't remember anything making me feel better but know that you are not alone.

Bea said...

Mother of the year last year in Australia (or was it the year before?) was a foster mum. It does count. But saying that probably doesn't help you find peace with it all. I hope that happens for you soon, and of course I'm hoping you can finalise an adoption, too.


Janine said...

Having never experienced infertility I cannot possibly know how you feel being foster mum to Sweet Pea. But as a carer of babies I know that Sweet Pea needs you to continue doing all that you are doing for him now, going to visits so he's not being handled by numerous workers and transporters, and being as close to him as you dare let yourself be. I guess I've said it before, I don't really understand how this foster/adopt thing can work. It's a conflict of interest to help a baby go home when your heart just wants to keep him forever. I find fostering hard enough...the job you're doing must pull you apart. But keep up the good work loving that baby.

Mary said...

A mother is the person who nurtures and cuddles, nourishes and guides. You are all those things and more. A mother is so very much more than genetic material or a piece of paper.

Happy mother's day!

Fostermama said...

I just recently found your blog and read the entire thing in a matter of hours. We share a similar path, I also was a CPS worker and I was a foster mom for many years. I really enjoyed reading your blog and never think that what you're doing doesn't matter. It does, more than you will ever know. Happy Mother's Day!

Amanda said...

Aww, I wish I could be there to hug you... or bring you chocolate, or whatever your pick me up is :-)

You are definitely a mom even though you don't feel like it. I know exactly what you mean BTW, and I've got two girls here - it feels like mother's day is for other people not me.

Hang in and fake it till you make it.

Anonymous said...

I hope that next year, Mother's Day is very different for you. You are a mother, to both the boy and sweet pea. You are a mother in the ways that really matter. I hope you find some peace with all of this soon.

Amanda said...

Hey --

I hope things are looking up for you and that Sweet Pea (and you!) are doing well.

Marthavmuffin said...

You are a mommy, you are just a risk taker, putting your needs above the needs of your a good mom does.