Thursday, March 06, 2008

my head hurts

I can't help but come here for solace of some sort.

One minute I'm OK and the next I feel like I've been run over. I can't breathe, my chest hurts, I cry so hard my head hurts.

There's this mental battle going on where I am trying to convince myself it's OK. It's not as though he died or anything. And it's not as though he was put in a home with bad people. It's not as though he's not going to be OK - he was always so happy and well-adjusted. He has everything he had here.

Except me.

But on the other hand it feels like he has died. Knowing I'll never see him again is a kind of death. Having him one moment and not the next. Never seeing him smiling at me again.

I've stepped on a boundary and flat out asked a friend who is still at CPS if she would look into his case and see how he's doing. She said she would.
But what will that tell me anyway since the author is the stupid worker who fucked all this up to begin with?

Ugh. I'm really just tired of thinking and feeling anything at all.

And now the bitch response - it's even more difficult when everyone tells you it's OK and that you gave him a good start. When in the midst of the pain, my reply is so fucking what. I know people mean well and it's just one of those situations where you feel you have to say something. And don't get me wrong. I really and truly appreciate all the comments and support I've been getting from you guys. I'm amazed how much hope complete strangers are able to provide.

I just don't know how to function right now.

A while after completing this post I got mad. You know how it is.... being a big ball of emotions going from one to the next with abandon.
I called our licensing worker and we're going back on the list Monday.
I doubt I will be over missing my boy by then, but I can't sit around and wallow, either. Especially since I have no job and am home. Alone. All day. Ewwwww......

I also just (almost) finished another page in the scrapbook for the boy. B/c I have MGM address I have more time to complete it and mail it to her.
I didn't cry once looking at all his pictures. Maybe because I was bawling while typing the above entry and got it all out of me. I don't know. But I feel better for working on it. I'm not focusing on the pictures so much as the layout and how to make it pretty.
When I'm finished I'm going to take it to a copy shop and have really good color pics taken so that I have my own little version. I should get to keep some memento of all this work~


Lionmom said...

I'm sorry. I wish we knew each other irl and I could offer something more. I know the empty arms and the aching heart and the rage you will feel when you come upon a toy or a bottle you missed.

I know we have never really talked before, but email me if you want to rant.

Amanda said...

same offer here as from lionmom.

i packed everything into my nursery the night baby bear left and didn't open it again until we got our next call.

so sorry.

Innocent Observer said...

Just wanted to let you know that I read your entry and I feel for you.

Be angry, this isn't right. It isn't fair. You are entitled to whatever you are feeling.

Bea said...

This is the hard part, for sure. I don't have anything to add, except another hug.


My Reality said...

I say don't function right now. Just be. You deserve some time to grieve this loss.

Yondalla said...

It's grief. It will take the amount of time it takes.

It is different from death, not worse or better, or perhaps both. There is a finality to death, an absence of worry, whether you believe in an afterlife of not. Still, death means it is over. And though OF COURSE it is good that he is not dead, what you are experiencing is like a death, except that you also have anxiety and worry about what will come next for him.

And you have to grieve.

And it will come in waves. You will cry and rage and sleep and finally feel better and think you are okay, and then it will come back.

And over months the waves will be less harsh. In ten years you may just choke up a little. In thirty you might just sigh sadly and hope that things worked out for him.

Do what you need to do. It takes time.

And if you want, you can make yourself a cup of tea and sit down and imagine that Lionmom and Amanda and Innocent and me and all the others I do not know are sitting there with you taking turns letting you cry on our shoulders, because you know we want to be.

Suz said...

I dont know you. Came here from Yondalla but wanted to give you a cyber hug. I know a form of the loss and pain you speak of. I lost my daughter to adoption in 1986 and have lived with that horrible loss and grief since then. I denied the trauma , never grieved, and now spend years in therapy for PTSD (common with mothers who have their surrendered to adoption).

Hugs to you. Take care of yourself.

beagle said...

You are so strong. I don't think I could do it. You said he doesn't have you anymore, but your love will stay with him always. He's better off for having spent the time with you.

I hope it hurts a tiny bit less every day. We're here . . .

baggage said...

I'm so very sorry. I wish there was more I can say, but I will keep you in my thoughts.

Maggie said...

I'm here from Yondalla's site. I'm in the process of adopting my son, but I've never done traditional foster care. However, I hosted a little boy from Russia for the summer. Putting him back on the plane was such a horrible feeling, but I still believed I would be able to adopt him. Eight long months later I learned that I had lost him. He had gone to another home. I felt like all corners of my world were crinkling in on me like a piece of tin foil. I felt like I would die. I felt like he had died.

I'm not going to say your pain will lessen because it doesn't. I still cry when I think of Vladimir. But, in time, you'll walk through this pain. You'll be stronger and you'll carry a piece of your kiddo with you always.

Let yourself be angry and sad and hopeful and anything else you feel. Feeling it all is how you get through it.

Tricia said...

There are so many things...

We've been through this too- we kept in touch and long story short- they came back and now they are ours. We made sure the social workers knew to keep us in mind should the kids need services again and visited with mom and the babies once a month- very informal dropped in to say hi- there was a language issue for us as well. I had to call CPS and report several times after leaving visits.

I know this may be a long ways off and I DO NOT MEAN THIS HARSHLY, it will make you a better social worker in the end (Exactly the kind of trite nonsense you are not looking for, I know [I'm an old social worker too]).

Let the grief come and wash over you.

This is a classic 'family is better' case. Why??

I hope this case is not closed and social workers continue to visit and see she has nothing. Give Grandma your phone #- you never know.

AA said...

I, too, came here from Yondalla. I am so sprry you are going through this. This is the main reason I can't do foster care, even though I have thought about it numerous times. I know the good it does,and I know we need more good foster homes, but I don't think I can take the pain of sending one back, even if I tried to thinkof myslef as only the babysitter.

I lost my first son to bacterial meningitis, so I know about the grief. I also know what it is like towant to keep being a mom. I adopted my son internationally 10 months after my son's death. Your line in one of your other posts about how do you stop being a mom is exactly how I felt. Even in my grief I knew I had to be a mom. It has worked out very well for me. It is what I hope for you.

hope548 said...

I really admire anyone willing to foster, as it often ends up being temporary. I am deeply sorry for the loss you are feeling. I have no idea how I would cope with that. Wishing you peace and comfort!

Jo said...

I came here from Yondalla's site. I've been in your spot before only our little girl went back to bm only for bm to give her away to friends (less than 24 hrs later). It is like having your child die. That's exactly how I referred to it. No we didn't bury her, but she is gone forever. I also sent a scrapbook to the adoptive family after I found out about them. I did one for us and an "abreviated" version for the adoptive family. I have since met her adoptive family. They asked why there are no pics of us in her scrapbook. I had to explain that i didn't know if they would want her to know us and they said they will. If she couldn't stay with us, I'm glad she's with them and not bm. It's tough to see pics of her and it took me over a year from when she was litterly ripped from my arms to be able to see her again and not have the pain in my heart. My opinion is that sometimes the transition period is harder on both the kid's and us. We did a 1 month transition period. She was with bm for 1 for 1 for 2 for 1 for 3 for 1 day...etc. The poor little thing was soooooo confused by the end. I still miss her. I think of her often. I finally had to decide...some contact or none? I'll take the some. At least when she's old enough, she will know us and know how much we love her and care for her.

So sorry for what you are going thru.'re not alone. {{Hugs}}

Mary said...

My heart just aches for you. Life sometimes really, really bites. I'm just sorry it has to hurt so bad while it's happening.