I can't help but come here for solace of some sort.
One minute I'm OK and the next I feel like I've been run over. I can't breathe, my chest hurts, I cry so hard my head hurts.
There's this mental battle going on where I am trying to convince myself it's OK. It's not as though he died or anything. And it's not as though he was put in a home with bad people. It's not as though he's not going to be OK - he was always so happy and well-adjusted. He has everything he had here.
But on the other hand it feels like he has died. Knowing I'll never see him again is a kind of death. Having him one moment and not the next. Never seeing him smiling at me again.
I've stepped on a boundary and flat out asked a friend who is still at CPS if she would look into his case and see how he's doing. She said she would.
But what will that tell me anyway since the author is the stupid worker who fucked all this up to begin with?
Ugh. I'm really just tired of thinking and feeling anything at all.
And now the bitch response - it's even more difficult when everyone tells you it's OK and that you gave him a good start. When in the midst of the pain, my reply is so fucking what. I know people mean well and it's just one of those situations where you feel you have to say something. And don't get me wrong. I really and truly appreciate all the comments and support I've been getting from you guys. I'm amazed how much hope complete strangers are able to provide.
I just don't know how to function right now.
A while after completing this post I got mad. You know how it is.... being a big ball of emotions going from one to the next with abandon.
I called our licensing worker and we're going back on the list Monday.
I doubt I will be over missing my boy by then, but I can't sit around and wallow, either. Especially since I have no job and am home. Alone. All day. Ewwwww......
I also just (almost) finished another page in the scrapbook for the boy. B/c I have MGM address I have more time to complete it and mail it to her.
I didn't cry once looking at all his pictures. Maybe because I was bawling while typing the above entry and got it all out of me. I don't know. But I feel better for working on it. I'm not focusing on the pictures so much as the layout and how to make it pretty.
When I'm finished I'm going to take it to a copy shop and have really good color pics taken so that I have my own little version. I should get to keep some memento of all this work~