Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Oh where to start this post. Guess we'll cover one thing at a time ~ NOT in any order.

First off, thank you for all the well wished about my other dad. He's doing a-maz-ing right now. AMAZING. He's breathing entirely on his own, which means the collapsed lung is healing itself. Also means the flailing ribs on that side may have re-aligned themselves, otherwise they would still be poking him and making breathing too uncomfortable. His hip surgery went well. His foot/leg/ankle surgery is scheduled for Thursday, which will be big b/c that's the only thing they aren't positive they can fix. There's been talk of possible amputation.......

My correspondance with the GAL continued and she let me know last week the state filed a Change in Physical Custody for the boy to go to his MGM. This was the response to the request for increased visits. Neat, huh.
GAL stated she had concerns and a court hearing is set for Thursday. My mom will come over to sit and I will attend.
If MGM is appropriate, then great. But where's the transition? This is also the GAL's concern. We're asking for increased visitation for at least two weeks before he is placed in her custody.

I went to San Diego over the weekend - Friday night to Sunday - to visit my brother on his ship. He's the Chief Engineer on a Sea Lift Command ship. The thing is HUGE. Anyhoo, it was a test for both the baby and my husband as they have not been left alone together for any major period of time.

The boy was cranky, finiky about eating, and up several times a night. I believe this is a good indicator of the issues he will face when moved to MGM home. He knows my husband, but is dependent upon me for most things. Same with MGM. He reached for her right off the bat at the last visit (made me feel better that he at least appears to recognize her). But that's just play time and you look like you could entertain me. Not all the other stuff. So we'll see.

I was initially heartbroken, having to try and block out the thought of him going because the smallest thing would make me cry. I even had to text my best friend to tell her he would be leaving because I still can't talk about it. After getting the GAL's email about the filing of the CPC, I spent the night crying and having nightmares.
Over the weekend, my mother was telling someone else about the baby and I had to excuse myself.
What makes it more difficult is everyone's reaction that it isn't right for him to go, that he's attached to me, that I'm a great mom to him, that he's such a wonderfull little boy, etc.
I finally told my mom to stop talking about it.

I realize this will be hard on everyone because he IS such a great baby and everyone loves him. But I seriously don't give a shit at the moment. I am still trying to process it in my own head, much less spend any time trying to counsel others about it.

At the same time, I am starting to wonder what will come next. Or who will come next. What will the next child be like? A baby or a 3 year old? Boy or girl? What will their story be? Will it be long-term or just for a little while?
And then I think about how long I will be able to do this. How long can I risk this succession of children in and out of my life? I know it's just been the one, but still. Fostering to adopt is a risky business. I knew this going in. But now that the first crack is ripping through my heart, I'm not so sure I can continue this risk.
But what's the alternative? Now that I've gotten my foot in the door of parenting, could I step back out to go on an adoption waiting list?

I'm tired people. Tired of feeling as though infertilty and this struggle are some strange atonement for all the things I did bad in my life. Tired of feeling like I am always climbing uphill.

Ever have those fleeting dreams about walking away from your life? I'm having them a lot lately. Just disappearing and starting over somewhere completely different. Would the story line be the same?


Treasured Grace said...

Today is day one of our life without Sweet Baby. He left 4 hours and 10 minutes ago to live with his adoptive family. I can't walk past his room without tearing up, or see his clothes or wash a bottle.
I don't know how I will make it through today and tomorrow and the next.

Our transition was amazing though. The family met us in their hometown, we did a little visiting on neutral ground then they got to take him home for a few hours. We got to see their house and his room etc...Then the following week they came to our town about 9 hours away and stayed at a hotel close to our home. They were with us from 8 am until 9pm everyday learning to and caring for Sweet Baby. It lasted a week and he really took to them and started to look to me less and less. Which was hard but good to see him bond so well with them.

So we are now without baby and sad and heavy but the good is he has a wonderful new family that has been waiting 5 years for him.

So my heart goes out to you and I have nothing to say that can make it easier. Crying before helps but there is still much more crying to do.

BIG HUGS to you,

Marthavmuffin said...

Have they done a Home Study on the MGM? Your case sounds so much like our daughters case when she was a foster baby. The grandmother wanted her and was in interim housing after coming back from somewhere...(? Maybe prison?) but they didn't approve her Home Study. We were in a state of terror and worry from when Jamie was 7 mos old til she was 10 mos old. It took that long for the HOme Study to be completed as it was being done in another county.

I hope and pray for you that is why they arent letting the MGM have visitation. Have hope that it could still work out for you.

We were very lucky, Jamie was our first foster child. We went into the program with the intention of adopting one child. Before our license was finalized I joined our local Foster/adoptive parents assoc. and met a experience foster to adopt mom who ended up 'hooking us up' with Jamie. She knew of Jamies situation (her birth parents werent working their case plan, the foster mom who had her didnt want to adopt) and that we wanted to adopt.

We were so lucky to have been in the right place at the right time. God blessed us with our sweet girl. (we adopted her in August when she was 19 mos old).

Sorry this got so long! I just wanted to breathe some hope back into your situation.

Amanda said...

Aww, Steph, I'm so sorry. I had nightmares too, when Lily started visiting with her biodad. I still do, really, and I don't know what the answer is. It just sucks.

Bea said...

Glad your other dad is doing so well. Fingers crossed for next surgery. As for the rest, well, I don't really have an answer. It can be nice to daydream about alternative paths, but not for too long.


Kara said...

Glad to hear your other Dad is doing better.

Thank you for sharing your experience, we are starting the fost adopt program with an agency in CA and are waiting for Board approval. The light you shed has been something that I shoved to the back of my mind and I'm glad you were able to share so I can be mentally prepared for the same or similiar experience.

Hang in there. Sounds like you are in Southren CA also, I wonder if we are going through the same agency or if you are going through the County within which you reside? if you want to share more, email me at karabrickel@hotmail.com.

Kara :-)

mynewreality said...

I wish that this situation was easier somehow. I know it will be a huge loss when he leaves. There is nothing about this situation that is easy. Just know you have done an amazing thing for this little guy.

Tricia said...

Walk away from it all? I have those thoughts and then I remember i would still want the same things...kids, the opportunity to help and love.

It sucks that grief and loss are part of the experience of foster/adopt. I hope the placement with birth grandma never comes to fruition, for his sake. And if it does, that peace follows quickly.