Saturday, April 26, 2008

woe is me

Today was Sweet Pea's first visit with mom. The three other kids were there as well, but I arrived first and had time to talk with mom.
She was open and honest with me about her issues. She thanked me over and over again for taking care of her baby. She remarked how great he looked and how happy she was he was in a good home.
It was quite pleasant compared to so many of the clients I worked with as a CM. Not just their treatment of me as the evil CPS worker, but many of them were just unpleasant all around, even to the foster parents.

The worker supervising the visit was 20 minutes late. When she arrived, she informed me I would have to leave, as would the other foster mom. We were both a bit surprised as Mom was fine with us being there. I told her my concerns with Sweet Pea's adjustment issues and that this was his nap time. She called her supervisor, then said that I needed to get approval from the CM. For now, we would have to go.

I think I counted to 45 in my head before the screaming started.
They had to go outside because of another meeting in the room, so Mom suggested we leave. At least she had the common sense to know a 3 month old in 93 degree heat for an hour is not a good thing.
I had to wait and calm him down before we left or he'd scream the entire ride home. All in all, we were there just under an hour, about 40 minutes of it pleasant.

As a CM I worked with many many foster parents. Most were wonderful, but there were a few who couldn't let go. They argued about almost everything with a reason for every gripe. And even though I knew in my heart they were trying to protect the children in their care, it was annoying. So much so I found myself frequently tuning them out.

I am afraid of becoming one of these.

On the other hand, I am compelled to request some changes for Sweet Pea's sake. Morning visits that don't interfere with his long nap, shorter visits, one on one visits so mom can focus, and also so her visits with the other three older kids she can play with them.

I am quite melancholy this afternoon and I couldn't put my finger on it until a short time ago.

I am torn as a foster parent wanting to adopt.
I am starting to think this may not be a good fit for me.

As a foster parent, our goal HAS TO BE to assist in reuniting children with their parents whenever possible. To ASSIST the state in their goals.
How can I do this when I have my own goals??

Right this moment it popped into my head that I'm a fake mommy.
I know that's stupid, but it's lingering around in there.

Mom made a comment asking if I had any children. I told her no.

She said 'when you do you'll be a great mom'.

most of the shit doesn't stick, but this comment is haunting me.

I don't know why but I feel myself at an emotional cross roads. I feel as though I am in limbo, not becoming anything.
I realize I am doing something wonderful for this little boy.
But what about me?

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Who is THIS baby??

I think we've had a break through.

In an effort not to jinx it, everyone take a moment to knock on some wood.



For the last 2 nights Sweet Pea has slept for 9 hours straight. To bed around 8, then not up until around 4:45. Since I am not used to it, and neither is hubbs, we were unable to relish in this uninterrupted sleep as we were subconsciously waiting for the howl and when we didn't hear it became restless, finally getting up several times to check to make sure Sweet Pea was still breathing!
After a bottle, he went back to sleep until 7:30. THEN WOKE UP HAPPY!!!!

Now this boy is a screamer. Wakes up - screams. Wants to change position - screams. Decides he is hungry right this very moment - screams.
So to wake up in the morning making little baby noises and just chilling is a major accomplishment.

He is making eye contact like crazy, smiling, self soothing, and playing alone. He is able to lay under the baby einstein mat and play with toys (more like flailing around and sometimes his hands or feet land on the swinging toys).

It's amazing to see how far he's come in a month. I realize some of it is normal development, but so much of it is not. He was so neglected he has become angry and withdrawn at only 2 months old. THIS is what foster kids are often like.

They have finally set up visits. Mom is in an in patient treatment center and is reportedly doing well. I spoke to the other foster parents briefly and the other three kids are doing well. The 2 and 4 year old cry and say they miss their mom. The 10 year old has started opening up about what was happening in the home. Reports mom got a job at a fast food place and would leave him in charge of the kids. Wonderful.

Visits will be twice per week for two hours. I am not so thrilled with this as one visit will be on Saturdays. Not that it's a major family day or anything, but it is when we usually hang out together. Hubbs tends to get home from work late and we don't spend too much time together. Oh well.

For my brief asshole moment (don't judge me) all i am really hoping is mom relapses and/or starts no showing for visits.

At least Sweet Pea is too young to be really effected by the visitation. I will be transporting and have requested I be able to stay during the visit so that if Mom is playing with the other kids I can hold Sweet Pea instead of some stranger.
I feel bad for the other foster parents because I know if the kids are crying for mom now, it's likely to get worse before better after visits.

We're looking forward to our trip next weekend. 3 days in San Francisco! We have a portable bed for the baby (called a pea pod). It's like a miniature pop tent and super cool! Got our 'portable' swing today, jury still out on that one.....
Making sure I've got warm clothes pulled out since it will be colder there - it's already 90 here.

Should be fun and interesting!
If you didn't knock on wood as requested at the beginning of this post, please do so now. I would like to continue my sleep sessions and happy mornings!

Monday, April 14, 2008


I've recently heard from more then one person that I may share too much info.
I don't disagree.

I've always been the type to speak first think later, especially when not directly confronted with any kind of consequence for my words.

I feel this blog is a place for such honesty. It's my venting place, yes, but more importantly I see it as a place for two things:
1~ for others to see my point of view for whatever it's worth and maybe learn something new.
2~ for me to hear other's point of view and maybe learn something new.

I remember when first searching for other foster blogs hoping to find the dead honest truth about what was going on out there. No sugar coating, just bare bones honesty. Whether good or bad, I want to know. I want to hear about it, try to learn from it, be supportive to someone whenever I can.

I realized from a recent comment there are others just like me. Looking for a blog about 'their life', be it to find anothers perspective or experiences, just a way to KNOW.

I think it is important to be honest about foster care and adoption. Not everything is silver lined clouds.
There are days I feel like I'm doing something good, helping this little guy out at this important time in his life.
There are times I want to give it up, save money and emotion, and be able to go on trips at will without children. Hell, to go to a movie!

There are days I feel at peace about not being able to have my own biological children.
More often then not, I still feel the ache.

There are days I feel that by being adopted myself I can offer up more to a child we adopt.
There are days I feel I am perpetuating a cycle, like adoption is comparable to alcoholism.

There are days I want to walk away from my life and start over. I feel like I missed out on some experiences by never living anywhere else or venturing out on my own.

But every day I know there are others out there having their own days, sometimes good, sometimes bad. Many times doubting ourselves, looking for compassion or understanding from a complete stranger because they are not invested in us personally enough to hold back.

My point is I guess I will continue to write at random, am very likely to say too much, but oh well! I hope to find the same from others, and the blogs I consistently read are the ones that do.
In our lives we have to filter from those we love because we feel we have to shelter them from things, or don't want to burden them with our insecurities or fears or anger.
Here I feel we can all let loose and find some relief in getting as much as possible off our chests. Not that our loved ones and friends wouldn't understand, but at times you just need to rant and rave and curse and bitch and moan and then let it go.

And now that I've done that

Sweet Pea is doing remarkably well! The lotion has cleared up his cute little face and his tummy seems better. He's a total pig! Gained one pound in 5 days! He's night and day from his first week here, so much more comfortable.
He is pretty serious and doesn't smile often. But he is making eye contact and continues to 'talk' with us.
Last night he slept an entire 7 hours! YEAY!!!! He was only up once (3AM) before up for good at 6:15. Definite progress......

Nothing from the CM or anyone else. Sent CM 2 e-mails, no response. No visits, no updates, nothing. I plan on calling CM tomorrow and if I don't hear from her by the end of the week I'll contact her supervisor. I don't want to bug her, but need to make sure she is aware we're going out of town the end of the month.

So life continues. I am still pretty bored. I was so happy when baby boy was old enough to interact, had a routine nap time in his crib. We could go places, and do things. Now we're back to square one. Bleh.
And he does not like the car seat, making it even harder to go places or do things.

All in time. I know.

Friday, April 04, 2008


I returned from my weekend trip and both hubs and child were still alive, and the dog, too! All with minimal damage, although drama did occur.
Sweet Pea went from explosive diarrhea to total back-up. Hubs kinda freaked after 24 hours of no poop. Of course he did what we both do, asked jeeves, and was instructed to try some karo syrup and prune juice. ewww.

After both of those failed, he sucked it up and took the boy to the pharmacy where he purchased glycerin enemas. Boy did that work!
His comment was 'that was the most disgusting thing I have ever done or experienced in my life'.

Coy smile from the mama inserted here (0:

After a trip to the pediatrician and some blood work, we've found out Sweet Pea is a-OK. With SEN you never know, so it was a relief.....

We're finally sleeping better at night. Yes, we, as I am the one up with him while hubs gets some z's before having to head out to work every day.
Since I am not a nap person (makes me more tired and I never seem to wake up from them) I am going to bed as close to 8:00 as I can.

Then I sleep in the guest room after the babe wakes up. Thus hubs and I are not exactly spending much time together.
In a way I laugh because I think about how when you have a baby they tell you no sex for 6 weeks.
So I didn't even HAVE the baby, who is almost 12 weeks, and I am too tired to even THINK about sex! Hell, we hardly even see each other, don't sleep in the same bed, and I go to bed so damn early.... Just sayin!

Our next challenge is to get Sweet Pea more used to the car seat. I have to time our outings (what few there have been) around nap time. If he's not sleeping, and he sees you, he screams. It's as though he's trying to tell you that there's no reason he should be in there when you are RIGHT THERE and could/should be holding him.

I have gotten quite skilled at the one handed cart pushing and grocery shopping~

In the next week I hope to catch up with the blogs I read and the bloggers who have lent me their support. I feel so tired these days I rarely get my ass off the couch! But we'll get there. Just need to get reacquainted with this baby baby thing.
We've already discussed if this one goes, we are upping our age range to at least 6 months.
I am convinced I have experienced the newborn thing and am quite over it.
I am looking forward to a time when Sweet Pea is able to interact, go to library time, and so on. I was loving the boy's changes to these stages and am finding it difficult to go backwards.

But we'll get there.