Tuesday, April 03, 2007

I am often reminded when reading other blogs about IF how annoying it all can be. The world is a difficult enough place to maneuver for a smart mouth like me ~ it's hard to TRY and be politically correct all the time. I call people crack hoe and make jokes about someone riding the short bus to work today. I'm sure I offend. My own husband sometimes looks at me like I've completely lost my mind. I'm more or less ok with that. Sure, there's room for improvement, but who are we kidding? If anyone truly believes 15 or so years of building up this demeanor is going to eradicate itself with one scornfull evil eye, well, keep on keepin on.

And I'm Irish. So there.

My point being that IF causes even more introspection then usual. We have to pretend to be happy when we're not. Even at the most obvious of should be happy moments - someone else's pregnancy. Hell, it's commonly referred to as THE GOOD NEWS. Not so much for us. Failed cycles falling on your birthday. Do you think this is cause for celebration? Would anyone want bad news followed by a ceremonious blowing out of candles and singing? Doubtful.

My 2 best friends were pregnant around the same time. Pisser. Total and udder mental strain and chaos. My usual open mouth was causing my brain to work double duty to keep shut. It took so much energy flowing to that oraface it forgot to send the memo to my eyeballs to stay dry. I was relatively quiet but crying all the damn time.

This does not mean I wasn't happy for my friends. I was. Not thrilled or anything, but happy because they were happy. They were in good places in their lives to have children and a family and all that happy shit. I wanted that happy shit first, WAY before they did, so not thrilled indeed.

Then you add the "are you doing ok" comments from my mother, husband, other friends, even these friends. How do you answer that? I mean, really? Nothing that you say will be both the truth and socially acceptable, even to your closest friends. So you dodge dodge dodge, then you're a bad friend for not reveling in their happiness or confiding your inner frustrations.

Here's my revenge. When we do foster care, I am going to go on and on and on and on about every freaking thing, especially the system. I figure if I had to hear about all their pregnancy stuff (you know, the things I couldn't possibly understand b/c I haven't experienced them) then I am going to make sure they hear about the foster care and CPS stuff.

This may seem silly, ok I know it IS silly without thought, but it's all I've got at the moment. I'm tired of talking about my dog all the time, so at least it's something different, right??

Now I know at least 2 of my friends read this off and on, so let me make it crystal clear I do not begrudge your happiness or experiences or babies in any way. This is simply my rant and rave that shit isn't fair and I'm going to have a little blog tantrum now and again.

And just to keep this from being a total rant, here's a couple of cakes I made. I was debating posting a picture of myself, but chickenend out and threw these up instead!