Thursday, March 13, 2008

I am not doing well.
The house is quiet. I am lonely. I am sad almost all the time.

I try and rationalize my feelings. Try putting things into perspective.
It's not working.

I find myself looking at his picture on my phone. Listening to his laughter on my phone. Walking by the coffee table to get a glimpse of his hand print.

It has been 8 days since I left him with MGM. I know it took 7 months to attach, it will likely take just as long to de-tatch. I wonder if I can make it.

Infertility must be penance for some past crime.

You try pills and they don't work. You are sad, but move on.
You try IUIs. They don't work. You are sad, but move on.
You try IVF. Maybe once, maybe twice. They didn't work. You are devastated, but move on.
You try foster care. You lose your first baby. You are devastated, but move on.

But when does it end? It's just one pain after another. One heart break after another.

A very large part of me is leaning towards a childless existence. I wonder if it would be better to have one final pain of never having children, or continue being beaten down and disappointed.
I am aware of the argument that the right one will come along and everything will be right with the world.
But from the angle I am currently perched upon, it looks bleak.
I don't know if I WANT another child.
Right now I want MY baby boy.

Times like this I wish I had the ability to fall back on some vice. I don't smoke, don't do drugs, and don't drink much. I wish there was something I could do to take the edge off.
I guess maybe tip tapping away is what I have.
But I gotta tell you, my fingers are tired.


OHN said...

You know what, I could blow smoke up your butt and give you a lot of catchy little positive phrases but the truth of the matter is that you have a broken heart and we all know how hard it is for them to heal. Nobody can set a time frame for you, you can't even do it for yourself. It sucks because we all think it is completely wrong that you are put in this place because of what someones idea of "right" is. I wish I had some heart healing glue for you but nobody sells it.

Amanda said...

ohn is right. There are no words. There is no right way to grieve your baby - because he was your baby for so long and now he's gone.

The allure of deciding to just stop, just stop everything is tempting. Wondering when (IF?)the disappointment will ever end is shitty. I have often tried to make the commitment to a childless life, because it feels like it would be safer and less painful. We're not there... yet... but I feel like we're close. You may be there now. I think both of us will know when we are.

So sorry. My heart hurts for you.

Yondalla said...

It took months for me to feel well enough after Frankie left to consider another kid, and I was the one who decided our house wasn't the right place (well, one of the people).

It hurts. It takes as long as it takes.

Take care of yourself.

Anonymous said...

I hope tomorrow is better. You will have good days and bad. I hope soon, the good are more frequent than the bad.

Maggie said...

Oh, but you aren't childless. Even if you were never to feel strong enough to try again, you aren't childless. You have a kiddo in your heart now and that makes you a mom.

I almost gave up myself. I lost my boy and then I tried adopting from foster care only to be kicked by the process over and over. I thought it was too much and that God was trying to get a message through my thick head.

But I stuck with it. And I have a wonderful son now. (Whose arms are currently bright purple from a coloring incident. So I guess I should say I have a wonderful, purple son.)

And you know what? I have a sneaking suspicion that, when the worst of your grief starts to subside, you'll find you have it in you to continue. You may be kicked again. This whole process is so freaking far from sunshine and roses. But, eventually, it will happen. And it will be hard and wonderful and occasionally things will be colored with purple marker for you, too.

Mary said...


Bea said...

They say it's better to have loved and lost. Sometimes I wonder.

I don't know what the answer is, but I'm sure it won't come to you overnight. Keep asking til you work it out.


Stephanie said...

When you go through the process of getting ready to be a foster parent do they talk about dealing with the saddness of a child leaving? Just wondering. I would think a lot of foster parents feel the same way you are feeling right now. I cant imagine.

Eos said...


Hang in are grieving and there is no linear, time-set pattern to will feel this very intensely now but eventually it will dim enough and you will cope better so be patient with are not only experiencing the loss of the baby but also the loss of a future "possible" baby because grief is that touches and brings out other things we are grieving for...just be good to yourself for now and let it all out as often as you need to.

Angela (by the way...I too am infertile - over 14 years so I understand. We adopted from the foster care system and although it wasn't our intent to adopt at that time we ended up with our daughter...we are considering getting back in to adopt this time and your pain really brought it home for me how hard it will be this 2nd time around because our intent is to adopt and we could lose several before it happens...if we do it I must harden my heart a bit...hugs)

beagle said...

My heart aches for you.

FosterAbba said...

My heart goes out to you.

Frankly, I have to say that I think the foster care system is punishment for a crime in a former life.

It hurts the kids it is supposed to protect. It hurts the families who are stepping forward to help the kids who need protecting.

We have been fighting, for the past five months, to keep custody of our foster daughter whom we want to adopt. They are trying to take her, not because she's going to go back to her family, not because there's another family that wants to adopt her, but because we aren't a heterosexual, Christian couple.

She loves us, and we love her, but that's not a good enough reason to leave her in the only placement she's known since we started, even though our state's laws do not prohibit an adoption in our case.

I am so sorry for you. The system is broken.

hope548 said...

Oh Steph I'm really sorry. What can I say except that you can keep pounding the keyboard and I will keep reading and wishing you peace and comfort and the wisdom to make the right choice for you.
Take care!

Marthavmuffin said...

We are here for you. WIsh it could be more.
I pray for your pain to subside.

Kara said...

Just wanted to send you a quick note and let you know you have been in my thoughts and prayers.

This really bites and I don't think that you will ever forget this pain though it will subside. He will always be with you in your heart.