Saturday, October 28, 2006

Cars with no engines. Tweenkies with no filling.

Went to the dr on Thursday for a follow-up. I was looking for some more concrete answers then the same ol' "we'll see how it goes" crap. This time I walked in knowing I was not leaving until I got the dr to give me a real opinion. He was receptive and open. Went through the entire cycle.

18 eggs retrieved, 15 mature. All hormone levels normal. Wonderful stim. Embie dr watches all the eggs, including immature. Puts immature in dish and surrounds with sperm just to see what happens. One of my 3 fertilized. So we're at 16 ebies to start.
And that's where it all goes to shit.

Embies are supposed to divide and multiply. Mine seem to have missed that memo. Most stalled quickly, around the 4 cell mark. The "good" one implanted was a 16 cell, however, it jumped from 4-16 and kinda missed the 8 point, which is abnormal. Other two "best" embies were 7 cell, which is pretty dismal as they should have at least been at 8.

Well, not bad exactly, but obviously abnormal. They appear to be missing the mechanism that encourages the cell division necessary for growth.


We could continue to try IVF in the hopes that there is one good egg in there, but to be honest, it doesn't look good. You could opt for a donor egg, however, this will be quite expensive and there are no guarantees. There is quite a waiting list for donor eggs as we speak. If you had your own sponsor, you could get started a lot sooner, and it would mediate the cost of buying someone's eggs, but you're still faced with a large expense and there are no guarantees that would lead to a successful pregnancy. There is a chance that your entire reproductive system is compromised, which would explain the continual production of abnormal eggs.

And that's it. Game over. Rotten eggs. Who'd have thought? I mean, I read about abnormal hormone levels, low sperm counts, bad stimulation....... the list goes on. But I have NEVER heard of rotten eggs. I had a guess since both rounds of IVF were similar with everything hunky dory until the ICSI part; But it's another thing entirely to hear it out loud. Loud like a door slamming. Bomb exploding. Hope being shattered like a million pieces of glass. My heart breaking.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

It just never ends

Man oh Man. Just when you think you're more or less past something, it reaches out and grabs you by the balls and gives you a good twist.
I have this dual personality. In many ways, I'm an onward and upward type of person. When life gives me lemons, I use them to hit someone. When a door closes, I kick it until it breaks from the frame. Maybe not such good references since I am soundling like a violent chic, but you get the point. I don't linger. I had to learn this trick over many years of personal struggles. If I let myself, I will get lost in my own head. Sometimes for days at a time I wouldn't sleep or eat. Total depression. Suicidal, the works. Can't be doing that....
I also have difficulty letting go. Used to stay friends with every ex-boyfriend. Look up old high school people just to see what they're doing. Think about what I could have done differently and what that alternate choice would have meant. Cumpulsive second guesser.
I have been trying to keep busy looking forward to foster care and adoption. Thinking about other things helps not to dwell on current unhappy events.
Last night, out of nowhere, laying in bed at 11PM, I started bawling. Quietly, but full bodied shaking tearfest. I didn't want hubby to hear and come in. I don't know why, exactly, but partly because I was just in my own moment by myself and wanted to keep it that way.
As much as I try to move on in my head, my heart still aches. I know so much about adoption, and you'd think I would find comfort in this, but I don't. A little, but not much. I know I want to be a mother and that's the only way, but I really really really wanted to get pregnant and have my own baby.
It sounds so silly and selfish, but there it is. And I really don't care about what anyone else thinks of that. Counseling 101: you feel what you feel whether it's 'wrong' or 'right'.
I have dreamt the same dream for so long. As a child, playing pretend, I would put a pillow under my shirt and be the mommy. All other kids were my children. When my friends were pregnant, I imagined it was me. I put myself in their shoes every step of the way. When in the delivery room helping my best friend bring her little girl into the world, I wanted to feel her pain. I cut the ambilicle cord. I held her daughter all night long so my friend could sleep. I don't want to be the godmother, I want to be the mother. I want all of those experiences, even if they are difficult. I want to get swollen ankles. I want to look like I swallowed a beach ball. I want to experience pushing life out. I want to breast feed.
And there's the hole, knowing this is not likely to happen. What do you do with that? I know it will take time. But I am so fucking sick of time. All of IF is time. Waiting, hoping, time ticking by. And every month is marked by a big useless period. Blech.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Just some stuff

Once again, sitting at work doing everything BUT work, including reading blogs, posting comments, and creating a new post. I don't even have much to say! Now that we're inbetween, meaning no more ART but not yet starting foster/adopt process, things are just pretty stagnent.
AKA - boring.

We went to the new house on Saturday and it's coming along quickly. Drywall finished, tile in. Needs countertops, carpet, and appliances. And lighting fixtures and that kinda junk. But we're so so so ready to get in there!!! I cannot wait to get started decorating my little butt off. The smell of paint and plastic bags that many decorating necessities come in (curtains, comforters, new pillows). Ahhhhh.

Then we looked in the back yard and realized what a job that's going to be. The lot is .3 acre. That's a whole lotta landscaping! And since we're the do it yourself couple, that's a whole lotta work. Trenching has to be the worst part about it. Muscle building. Like an outdoor gym that gives you blisters and a backache.

Haven't 'gone' anywhere with the homeopathic path to pregnancy. Focusing on losing some weight first. Drinking a ton of water, which means I'm a pee machine. I don't think I have ever spent this much time in the bathroom unless I was ill! Cut back portions by close to 1/2. Trying to eat a lot more veggies - pretty easy since I like most of them. No desserts, even the low fat and calorie, until I lose 15lbs. Clench my butt cheeks going up and down the stairs to 3rd floor apartment. Thigh master thing while watching TV.
And most recently walk/jogging with hubby. Went yesterday in the AM, bout a mile. Not bad for the first go in a long while. May not have been good timing since in the afternoon I went with my friend and her 2 boys (ones from the
why my husband needs parenting classes post) to a pumpkin festival. Spent about 4.5 hours on my feet. It was fun with rides and carnival type atmosphere.
First week lost 4lbs. Last week -2. Guess that's progress but I am not a patient person. I want instant results! Oh well.

Um, what else of interest. Bought a new couch. GIANT sectional to be delivered when we move. It's an L shape with two full couches and a chaise at the end. Microfabric, boring taupe color. Really comfy. It will be in the family room, replacing the 2 couches we currently have that are a nightmare. Bought them at a model home furniture sale for a steal. Neglected to realize the fabric was a kind of woven material in which all dog hair worked it's way into and did not want to come out without hours of hand vacuuming. They're pretty trashed with sheets covering them. Classy, I know. Hubby wants to toss them but being the Mrs. Frugal I am I have overridden this impulse decision and elected we are going to put them in the loft and I will purchase couch covers when they go on sale somewhere. You won't really see them in the loft, anyway.

I guess that's it. Was it worth your time reading? (0:
Oh Oh Oh!!!!! I almost forgot that you need to look at this
page ASAP. The Nixter and I have decided to run with the Secret Santa idea. The problem is we need some participants! I got some good feedback on my post bringing it up, but now we need some committment people!! The instructions are on her site, which the page reference above should take you to. So join in the fun and give me something to do or I will continue to write rambling posts like this one!!!

Friday, October 20, 2006

Couldya just shite yourself

Interesting day to say the least. Started off with an 'are you serious' moment. I was discussing my plans to do foster/adopt with a licensing worker I know. She finally asked the BIG QUESTION: Why? I told her my husband and I had been trying for awhile and were unsuccessful having biological children. She then asked the usual have you tried this and that. Then she said this:

But you're so pretty!

OK. Did I miss something? Is there a correlation to looks and fertility? I struggle to believe this since I have some seriously fertile clients that in my opinion (most of which are surely tickets to hell) have been hit with the fugly stick a few times.

Then this conversation, about 30 minutes later. In the lunchroom sippin some soup and reading a trashy mag all by my lonesome when a girl comes in. There are A LOT of girls in this office, many of whom I don't know. We all run our own schedules and seldom interact with anyone other then the people in our unit (7 peeps). I don't know this girl's name or what she does.
She turns from the microwave and says "I know this is kinda wierd, but I was talking with 'heather' and she mentioned you have been doing IVF".

'Um, yeah'.

"I also heard you were going to be quitting to do foster care because it didn't work".

'right again'.

"Well, like I said, this is kinda wierd but when 'heather' told me this I decided to come and talk to you. My husband and I did IVF 3 times and it failed each time. All were fresh cycles because even though I had good results from stims and plenty of eggs, they were only able to get 2-3 good embies and the rest all stalled. The last cycle was in June. The doctor couldn't tell us what had happened, it just didn't work.
Since I am 34 and we've been trying 6 years, we decided to move on and adopt. We found and agency and started our paperwork. Last month, I found out I was pregnant. I'm 3 months".

'Wow. Congratulations. That's amazing'.

"Thanks. I just thought maybe if it happened for us it could happen for you. I think it's great you're going to do foster care, but I really hope you get a surprise like I did. You just never know."

And she's out the door.
I guess you just never know.

~ Oh, forgot to mention she is not pretty (in my evil opinion)
defiling the aforementioned comment of the day ~
~ Still don't know her name or what she does here ~
~ Maybe she was a figment of my imagination ~
~ Should I be using 'women' instead of 'girls'? Sounds old. Ladies sounds too formal ~

Thursday, October 19, 2006


********************UPDATED INFO!!!!!!!*******************

Like my Wayne's World reference??
Anyhoo, the Secret Santa is on.
Here's how it's gonna work:

If you want to participate, e-mail your blog name, real name, e-mail address, and home address to by 10-31. Nixter will keep track and write down the names and draw from a hat. She'll send out e-mails telling everyone who they've got, and that persons information. See her blog at this page for details~

Now, I realize many of us are pretty freakin broke from doing all of our treatments. Some of us pay out of pocket, others miss work, and there are numerous financial hardships. I don't want this to stop anyone from participating. The point of this 'game' is to create a diversion and spread some fun. It can be cheap as you want it to be. Even a card with well wishing in it, something hand made, scrapbook page, something knitted (since I see so many people are doing this), whatever! It is not meant to be stressful like the rest of the Christmas purchases, so I hope all who participate are able to take it with a grain of salt. And if you want, you can donate to a charity in your persons name and just send a card, or get something for a foster angel. Be as creative as you want~

I'm hoping we get a lot of people involved as it's a case of the more the merrier! Feel free to post the idea on your blog to get your own 'following' involved as not everyone reads every blog. Here's to an early Merry Christmas!!

Monday, October 16, 2006

Christmas is Coming!!!

OK. I know, I know. It's only October. There's Halloween and Thanksgiving before Christmas (here in the states as there are many IF bloggers far far away). But lately I have been thinking a lot about Christmas.
There are several reasons. 1) we are scheduled to close on the new house 12-7, and I am constantly thinking of all the decorating I will need to complete before Christmas. 2) Hubby and I are meeting up with his SIL (SIL, Millicent, currently in Ireland. Read blog for details and a laugh - she's very witty and can throw a sentence together fairly nicely) and her hubby and his sister and Dad and step-mom next month in Portland. SIL has been far far away for awhile now and missed last Christmas. Won't be here this December either. So it's like we're celebrating a bit early this year. 3) the sad sad thoughts of not giving everyone the present I wanted to. No need to elaborate as #3 has been 'done' to death. 4) refocusing on something other then #3. 5) reading wzgirl post about secret pals sending things and thinking how much fun that would be. 6) I'm looking for anything to think about that's happy so I don't find myself a big poop all the time.

Here's my thought ~ Wouldn't it be fun to start a little secret santa club among the IFers?? I know it sounds oh so silly, and probably a bit impractical since half of us don't even use our real names, but come on! There are many times I feel I know the usual suspects better then some of my own friends. It's a strange little relationship we've all come to form, but one of the most supportive I could ever have asked for. And everybody loves presents (0:
Just a thought. Not a plan, a thought that I'm putting out there for kicks. If there's interest then maybe we can brainstorm the details??? I think it could be interesting and keep our minds on other things even if it's only for a moment...............

Friday, October 13, 2006

What I Do

I have thus far not posted just about my job. I reference it, but mostly in my comments on other blogs.
I work for Child Protective Services. I am a case manager. There are two parts to this system. The first is the Investigative workers. They respond to the calls that come into the District office reporting any kind of abuse of children. They go to the child, evaluate the situation, and make the decision (after staffing with many people unless the child is in imminent danger) on whether to remove a child from their home. Then the child is placed with a foster parent or in a shelter (which is usually a house with 2-3 staff members and chidren of the same age), or with a family friend or relative. Then paperwork is filed with the court and the Judge decides if the child will become a ward of the Court.
After all this, the case comes to the ongoing worker, which is me. I am responsible to meet with the parents, the children, the care providers, etc. I set up services for the parents to participate in, such as psychological evaluation, counseling, parenting skills, supervised visits, mental health assessments, drug testing, drug dependency evaluation. I also set up services for the children. I meet with the kids once per month in their homes to make sure all their needs are met and that they are doing ok in their placements. I go to Court and report how the case is progressing, usually ending up filing to have the parental rights terminated.
Many of our cases are related to drug use. Meth. Parents using leads to neglect of the child and poor decision making. I have 2 sex abuse cases and 1 physical abuse. I have 34 kids on my caseload right now.
Most of my cases are the 'hard' ones because I have a high threshold. I am able to tolerate the cases my co-workers cannot. I do not stress out often, and use humor to cope with most things. Many of my cases go on for 2+ years because it takes a long time to change a plan to severance, then go to trial, then win. I get a lot of satisfaction from terminating parental rights and am usually not remorseful. Most of the parents I work with are really messed-up and their children deserve better. And my children have almost all ended-up in amazing adoptive homes.

I am good at my job.

And it drives me insane. Going through IF and watching these whack jobs have child after child is extremely frustrating.
I have a case right now that I have had for 4 years. It started off with Cee being the child on my case. She was 16 and pregnant and in detention. She tried to miscarry by throwing herself against a sink and refusing to eat. I took her baby when she was born and placed her in her current adoptive home. She is now 3 and very very happy.
Cee got pregnant again. She told me she was not pregnant, she had a tumor. She did not come clean until she was 8 months along. She knew we would be removing the child, so she went to another town to have the baby, then hid him out for 3 weeks - even after the Judge ordered her to turn him over. And to backtrack, baby1's father is a methhead, #2's father was in detention for selling meth at 16.
Then comes #3. She was born in June. She tried to convince us the child was 4 months premature so that the time would match up for #3 to have the same father as #2. Paternity testing ended that game and #3's father is John Doe. Cee just informed me she is pregnant with #4. She turned 20 in September. I knew she was going to do this because she would have to get pregnant again to keep dad#2 around since child #3 was not his.
We are working on returning her children, slowly. She is living with father#2 and working and they have an apartment. She has made some positive changes. She will always lie and make stupid choices, but at the end of the day the SYSTEM only requires a parent present no safety risk for their child and an ability to minimally parent.

So there's a taste of my life and why I often take breaks to surf the blogosphere.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Stick it, Swallow it, Loose it

Now that I'm switching to a homeopathic mindset, I am curious what all you other bloggers know. What I mean is, I would like to know what you have tried, what has been helpful, what the Dr.s have told you, what you've read, etc.
I'll start.
* I was taking Fertility Blend for about 6 months. When I was 'interviewing' who would eventually become my new Dr., he told me he does not recommend it because it can throw your hormones out of whack. His thought was that the herbs in the FB are meant to raise your levels, which can help regulate your period and increase fertility, however, when taken all the time, your hormones may overcompensate or undercompensate.
* I have been taking prenatal pills for years. If anything, it helps my hair and nails grow! I have heard pros and cons about taking an additional folic acid. Can you take too much?
* I have read (and of course heard from a friend who successfully got pg) that acupuncture has been shown to increase fertility. I also heard it was good while doing IVF because it helps you relax. I've always wanted to try it, but it appears to be quite expensive and we were already sinking all our $ into the IVF.
* I have also read weight plays a part in IF. If you are more then 30 pounds overweight, it could contribute to IF. So I am dieting as of yesterday, and hoping to get back into some kinda shape other then round. On the other hand, I find I have some issues with the guidelines of what is a 'normal' weight. I am a curvy girl, with a big ol' butt and matching ta-tas, but I do not consider myself obese. The guideline states that I am obese. Hmmmmm. My obese ass can still get up a mountain in Sedona, and I still get looks at bars, and I can still shop for clothes at any store. ????

So here's where I ask for feedback. I would like to know what you all have heard or tried. I figure from this point on, I really have nothing to loose and may get some interesting suggestions...........

Monday, October 09, 2006

I've been tagged

Baby Blue said it already, that there is this tagging thing going around with words given and responses requested. I have read everyone else's and always find them interesting to see how many variations of thought can revolve around one word. So here's mine:
1. Dive: EXTACY. I love scuba diving. Learned to swim before walking, a total water hog. Swam year round, synchonized swimmer, speed swimming, snorkeling, and then diving. I plan every vacation by first asking 'how's the diving there?'
2. Blue: My pool room at my old house. It had a blue felted pool table (get it, pool room) in it so I sponge painted two of the walls with blue colors. It looked pretty freakin' good!
3. Apple: Cider. We just got back from a 3 day mini holiday. Went to Sedona, Oak Creek, and Jerome. In Oak Creek, there are a bunch of apple orchards and this one road side stop where they sell organic apple cider. It is like a meal in itself. Like drinking an apple.
4. Hot: tub. Stayed at my parent's time share in Sedona and there is a jacuzzi tub in the bathroom. It's more of a jacuzzi then a tub with jets all over and seating for 2. I was in that thing at least twice a day and it was so hot the entire bathroom would steam up. It wasn't a good one unless I was purple when I got out.

So hmmmm. Now I need to play and tag someone else. Let's go with MIL Doris (and Ez but I know Doris does all the posting), and SIL Millicent, and NikkiNix. Your words will be:
1. jewels
2. fizzy
3. corner
4. unicorn

These may be silly words but I wrote whatever came to mind. Keeping it interesting, right?!?

Anyhow, how a pretty good vaca. Of course, Aunt flow packed up ALL of her stuff and came along for the ride, whining and complaining and being a total pain. And I mean total. Cramps like someone ripping the womanhood right out of me.

I commented to hubby that this is insult to injury. I mean, we've gotten the news we're not pregnant, a.g.a.i.n, and now this hellacious period. I have always had pretty nasty ones, but always thought it was ok because it served a purpose. What's the point now when I can't get pregnant??? Jaysus! Just makes it more annoying. Like a daily reminder of hahaha I don't work....... I digress.

So the three of us did our best to have a nice 'romantic' time. We tried and tried to kick AF to the back seat or leave her on the side of the road but she continuously caught up with us over and over again. Hiking? There she is. Romantic dinner? Yep. Looking at amazing art in Jerome? You guessed it. Five days and the bitch still hasn't let up. Starting to piss me off (0:

Obviously I'm doing pretty ok. As long as I don't talk about it out loud with anyone other then hubby. We've been discussing everything from foster care to adoption to decorating the nursery. I confided that I will never really give up the quest, and will still be looking at that calendar every month for awhile, and he didn't say much. I am pretty sure he already knew. As long as we move on I figure I can still hold on just a bit. Just in case~

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

why my husband needs parenting classes

Preface: friend John met and married Chhoden, who is from Bhuton. She has two sons. Boys lived in Bhuton and moved in with Chhoden and John appx 6 months prior to event. Religion- Buddist, non practicing. No real background in any other religious practices. English was fairly good, but there were many words boys did not understand. At time of following event (April) boys aged 6 & 8.

BBQ at my home with John, Chhoden, boys, hubby, and myself.
Sitting at kitchen counter; boys and I eating, hubby standing on other side. Parents out back sneaking a cigarette. Hubby wearing Arizona State University shirt with picture of Sun Devil, the mascott.

6yo: Uncle, what it that on your shirt

H: It's a Sun Devil

6yo: What's a Sun Devil?

H: It's the mascot of the school your dad and I went to

6yo: What is a mascot

Me: It's like the symbol for a school. Each one has their own and they represent that school in a funny kind of way. Someone dresses up like that symbol for football games and things and does tricks to make people happy.

8yo: Yeah. We have those in Bhuton...........

6yo -still looking perplexed: But what is a Sun Devil

H: Well, you know the anti-christ, right?

Me: Anybody want some more corn on the cob?!?

After H gets the hint and exits kitchen~
6yo: Auntie Stephanie, Uncle is kinda, um, funny.
Me: Yep. You could say that........

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

The teacups sucked, so I'm not going on any more rides

I've been thinking about what to 'say' next. I have decided the best way to sum up my tornado spinning mind is by categorizing the turbulence.

I am sad knowing I will not look into my own eyes. I will not see myself, or my husband, in a smaller version. I am sad I will not experience the miracle of pregnancy. I am sad I feel that I have disappointed everyone, that my husband will not have his own child, our parents will not have a 'true' grandchild, no niece, no nephew, no biological traces. I am sad I am perpetuating this cycle, as I am also adopted. I am sad because I have to hide my sadness most of the time from everyone, including my husband, because he does not know how to console me.
And I am sad that I have been sad for so long, and know I will continue to be sad for even longer.

I am angry IVF did not work. That I endured all those things associated with it for nothing. I am angry it appears I have rotten eggs. I am angry I will continue to have a period for no reason, and that my periods are terrible. I am angry that my work requires me to deal with undeserving mothers. I am angry my 20 year old client is pregnant with her fourth child when she truly does not deserve even one. I am angry I allowed myself to get my hopes up. I am angry I cannot allow myself to dwell because it could mean a full fledged depression, a place I have been and refuse to visit again. I am angry I have always been the friend, daughter, wife, and social worker helping others and making them happy any way that I could, believing karma would be on my side. I am angry at whatever higher power exists. I am angry I said if I didn't get pregnant I would focus on losing weight. I am angry I have a problem so big I have to find an alternate evil to focus on. I am angry I cannot talk about it outloud, even with my parents and my best friends. I am angry I am crying right now.
I am angry I am unable to have the one thing I have always wanted.

I do not regret trying again after the first IVF failed. I knew failure was possible, but knew I had to try. I do not regret spending the money. I do not regret changing doctors. I do not regret POAS. I do not regret sharing this journey with everyone, including co-workers. I do not regret sending e-mails telling people to leave me/us alone right now.

I am looking forward to being able to move and decorate my new house without having to cater to a pregnancy. I am looking forward to moving on, moving past this perpetual wait IVF puts us in. I am looking forward to not going to the dr, no more shots, ultrasounds, medications, appointments, crappy blood draws, and waiting waiting waiting for phone calls. I am looking forward to taking foster care classes and watching my husband learn about children and parenting. I am looking foward to being able to fly and seeing my sister-in-law in November and giving her a big hug for being so supportive and understanding. I am looking forward to the vacation full of scuba diving we decided to take if this process did not work. I am looking forward to decorating a nursery, having a shower, and having a child in my home. I look forward to quitting my job to be a stay at home parent.

I am grasping at the future, trying desperately to look ahead and not dwell on this too long. I am successful for moments at a time. It is not in my nature to regret things or focus on what cannot be changed. I am controlling. I will now control my new home, foster care, adoption, and having a family one way or another. I am lucky enough to have an 'in' in this area and will have many many CPS workers keeping me in mind for an adoptive placement. I KNOW this area. I am confortable in this role. I feel better knowing I will regain some control.

I thank everyone for their support. I sometimes find myself in awe with this cyber world we meet in. How freeing it is to write anything you want knowing it will be met with understanding and support. How so many people can bond, sympathize, empathize, and bring comfort to one another. It is so difficult, this ride, made even harder trying to convey your feelings to friends who cannot share in your experience, or comprehend the heartache of it all. They do not understand the struggle. The frustration. The anguish. The disappointment. They want to and they try, but it is impossible. And how amazing is it to find a new set of friends for this purpose alone. That I am able to have this outlet is a blessing in and of itself, so I thank each of you for checking in on me, and for continuing your own journeys and posts to give me some hope, a laugh, a cry, and something to do when I can't think about myself anymore~
And most of all, I am amazed at how wonderful my husband is and how much I love him. Even though he still drives me crazy and has the ability to annoy the shit out of me, we are now closer then ever.

Monday, October 02, 2006


It's over.


For those of you checking every hour, on the hour (you know who you are) I will get results between 3 and 5 this afternoon. Hubby and I agreed to be home during this time just in case it's bad news. Soooooooo......... for those we know, if it's good news we'll be calling tonight. If not, I'm not sure. We'll see how we're doing and go from there. We may update the blog and make the personal calls later to pass along the disappointing news.
Keep your fingers and toes crossed. I know I did while they were doing the blood draw, which BTW took 2 tries. Some things never change.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

TAG - I'm it

I've been 'tagged' by my MIL. Ordinarily, this would take some time. But as time seems to be ticking at a ridiculously slow pace, and I hear every tock of the clock, I'll tackle the challenge now!

I am. . .. in an eternal wait. Waiting for test results, waiting to see what my family future holds. Either a newborn of my own, or foster/adopt classes, a diving vacation, and adoption.

I want. job to someday become obsolete. No more hurt children and stupid parents continuing to procreate without abandon.

I wish. . ... that my phone would stop ringing. Right now, at this very moment, an old friend is calling. again. Hadn't spoken to him in years, then he calls out of the blue and all he wants to talk about is his upcoming divorce. Oh, and that he misses me, his bestest friend. oy.

I hate. .... stupid people. seriously. Ignorance, not just uneducated. I work with a lot of these and now have very little tolerance.

I miss. .... partying with my friends. The girls used to go out dancing and get drunk and silly and smoke a bunch of cigarettes and be miserable together in the AM after coming home wasted and stopping by the Taco Bell. Now my two best friends have babies, my cousin lives in another state, SIL lives in another state, and only other person I could go with is not a good drunk.

I hear. .... my dog whining. I think it's adorable most times. It's like he's trying to talk to me. Usually accompanied by the CUTEST lovey face he can muster.

I wonder. . ... if I've made the right choices. All of them. I have issues in this area. I also wonder how the opposite choice would have impacted my life and where I am now.

I regret. . ... that I am often lazy. Many an opportunity may not have passed by if I'd just gotten off my ass. I also feel I should be more proactive to do the things I want to do. Like skydiving.

I am not. .... as put together as I like to think. My past has left me with a lot of scars, most I have become quite professional at camouflaging. Some of these cause me to judge too quickly, and have contributed to my cynical, and sometimes offending, sense of humor.

I dance. ... whenever there's music. Unless it's country. That's a no can do! I love to dance.

I sing. . .. all the time! Mostly in my car. I have done musical theatre and love the stage, but put me in front of only a couple people and I really get nervous. I freeze when I know people are looking at me. On stage, you can't really see anything.....

I cry. . .. Whenever I see someone else crying. It's like yawning for me. Once I see someone else do it I just start tearing up. I also cry when I can't make things better for the kids I work with.

I am not always. ... comfortable in my own skin. Many times I feel like the fat girl, especially on vacations. I love being in the water and scuba diving, so I don't let this insecurity get the best of me, but it is very hard mentally.

I make. .... cakes. Took cake decorating classes and learned how to make all kinds of pretty flowers. Not so excited on the baking part, but I can whip out a serious rose like nobody's business!

I write. ... whatever comes to mind. most of the time. It's therapeutic.......

I confuse. . .. my husband. I can be very emotional and flip like a switch on the poor man. Especially now while we go through this IVF. I change my mind by the minute on how I'm feeling and what I want to do next.

I need. . .. something to happen. I have been in a rut for awhile. Especially with IVF. I just need something to change. Hoping for good news when I take my test, but even if it's not I am looking forward to at least knowing and moving forward.

I should. . .. be less controlling. Or always feeling like I should have control of situations when I don't and then getting so upset when things don't go the way I want them to.

I start. . .. mentally decorating everything. other people's home, my new home.... everything.

I finish. . ... watching bad movies. I figure I've already invested a certain amount of time finding out it stinks, so I may as well keep watching and see if there is any redeeming qualities.

So there's my list. Nothing extraordinary, but it took me an entire 30 minutes to complete and I didn't hear a tock once. OK, once when hubby reminded me Amazing Race is starting. So I put it on and multi tasked the list!!!

I now pass the list torch on to Subi and NikkiNix and wzgirl and hopeful mother. Looking forward to seeing what you all have to say!!

Why don't I ever listen?

pregnancy test = $10.99
waiting til AM to take it = difficult
POAS without missing = pretty easy
look on my DH face when I told him it was negative = horrid
sinking feeling in my own stomach = $15,000

I fully realize these tests are not accurate this early in the game, but I was compelled to try it anyway. JUST ONCE I thought it would be fun to POAS when it could possibly be positive. When there was an actual chance and not just wishfull thinking after being 2 days late for AF.
Oh well.
Now I just have to wait until tomorrow for the blood test like everybody else.

I admitted to dh this morning that this IVF has felt different from the last. I have been holding back because I didn't want to get either of our hopes up, but the truth is, a great deal of the time I think it worked. I had the 'pangs' associated with embie implantation. My boobs hurt, I'm tired, I'm gassy (which for me is huge since I'm one of those wierdos who rarely farts; but I can burp better then many men), I craved cheese (I don't eat dairy), I get hungry then grossed out by food, and I just feel, well, different.
And I don't think it's psychological because last time was the opposite. I just KNEW it hadn't worked and told dh that a few days before the test. The biggest devastation was not the negative test, but the news none of the other embies survived and it was a one shot deal.

This is why I am stressed out this time. Because part of me thinks it really may have happened, and the other part thinks I'm setting myself up for major disappointment by entertaining the idea of success.
This is SO why they do not want us POAS!
Again, oh well.

We'll see what we see tomorrow.
And thanks for the support after my last post. I really appreciated it. REALLY.