Tuesday, March 04, 2008


Going to MGM home has backfired. I am less at peace then I was before going.
It's filthy.


I can get over it being in a not so great neighborhood.
I can get over it being small.
I can get over the fact she has nothing for the baby.

Yeah, I said Nothing.

She has a crib in a box she picked up yesterday. Who knows if she even has crib sheets.

But back to the main issue, you'd think she would clean up knowing we were coming over. The floor was gross. Just dirty. I don't even know what some of the shit was. She has a cat who is mostly outside, so some hair. And dirt.
I went into the kitchen so get water to make his oatmeal and there was a pile of dirt and stuff swept into the corner. A LARGE pile.

Now all I can rely on is she's raised four children and they are all healthy individuals. And the old saying 'God made dirt so dirt don't hurt'.

The worst part is I lied to my husband about it. He called at 11:03. His very first question was 'Is it clean?'
Um, not as clean as I'd prefer, but it was OK.
'Not filthy or anything, right? Because I don't want to think of him living in squalor.'
No. It's OK.
'Good. I feel a lot better'.

I'm glad one of us does.

It has also prompted me to send everything.
I am cleaning up his highchair and sending that.
I am washing ALL his clothes and sending ALL of them.
I am packing almost all of our toys.

Because at the end of the day, we can get new stuff. And the guilt that would weigh on me knowing I could have done more far outweighs the financial burden of buying new stuff for the next kids. Shit, we'll probably get a 3 year old and I wouldn't use any of this stuff anyway!

So for all those reading who know my husband, don't mention any of this. It's better he not know. There's no point in making it worse for both of us.

And seriously, keeping this to myself (more or less) makes me really feel like a mom.


hope548 said...

That is rough. I wish it had been better conditions so you would have some closure and comfort. At this point, I suppose we can only hope for the best and know that you did your best for him. Wishing you peace.

My Reality said...

Oh Steph, you ARE a mom. You are thinking of the little guy first - he will be better off for having had you as his mom, even though it wasn't for long enough.

Bea said...

Damn. I'm just shaking my head at life at the moment.


Amanda said...

OMG I am so sorry. I have (so far!) avoided this one - all of the biofamilies I've worked with have had homes much cleaner than mine.

How terrible. And what a sweet gesture you are making for hubby.

Beagle said...

Ugh . . . I'm so sorry. I was hoping that you'd at least have some peace of mind to hold on to.

I can't find words to tell you how much I admire your strength.

OHN said...

I am sitting here wondering why things like this are supposed to be right when they are so obviously wrong. Your husband doesn't need to know and it is EXTREMELY strong of you not to tell him. I know I wouldn't be able to hold back. I would be raging at the injustice and cursing the powers that are allowing this to happen. My heart is breaking for you.