Saturday, August 23, 2008

Doing foster care when you want to adopt is like leasing a car.
It's not really yours, although you get to keep it all the time. You care for it, fill it with gas, store it at your own house, but any moment it could be reposessed.
Or you could just decide you don't want to purchase it and LET them have it back.

I still find myself plagued by infertility woes. I have cycles in which I feel as though I am not meant to parent, that nature showed me the path and I am trying to get around her.
Of course the other side of the argument is those women who can have children and simply shouldn't. Those fertile myrtles who abuse, well, anything and everything.
As I am not one of those, I am pretty well blinded by the initial ideal that mother nature interceded where she sees fit and maybe the bitch should get the last word.

There are many days I wonder what would happen if I accepted my barren-ness and gave up the quest for an alternate route.
Sleeping in every weekend. Going on trips whenever with little to no planning. Going to the movies. Not having toys and crap all over my house.
There are times these thoughts are quite enticing.

If I had a biological child, I don't think these thoughts would be so prevalent. They would exist, of course, because I know so so many parents who are exhausted and joke around about 'the time before children took over their lives'. However the lingering option to give up would not be there. There wouldn't be a real alternate. The car is bought, the papers are signed, you now owe for the rest of your life.

But I am in a lease. And should the reposession take place, there is nothing I can do about it. And I think about this a lot.

Would letting mother nature win cost me my marriage? Hubs says he wants children, but some of his future plans don't truly include them. Traveling all the time and being a weekend parent often feels (to me) like an out for him. Even now he parents maybe an hour a day during the week and a few more on weekends. The bulk of the responsibility and time is mine alone. Thus how much would removing the parenting role effect him?

I question my own motives. Why do I want a child? What do I want for my life in general?
Sometimes I picture myself living in a small cottage off the grid. Gardening, working in a small town. In this scenario I am perfectly content and yet I am always alone.

Someone once said the following and I carry the thought with me always:

In life, I regret the things I did not do more then the things I did and maybe should not have.

I don't think you can get through a good life without regrets. It wouldn't be living if you did. You'd have done nothing. No risk, no loss, no expectations, no passion.
At the end of the day I still feel as though I am standing at this cross roads. With infertility I had to wait for the doctor to push me down a path. Now I wait for the system to give me a shove.
And then I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens if they really do show up and repo the goods. It will definitely move me down another path, but the push might have the force of a mac truck, injuring me past recovery.


Lauren said...

I agree with what you said, that you can't get through "a good life" without regrets. We do make mistakes, but ultimately, that is how we learn. In your case, though, the toughest part is that your trial isn't because of a mistake you made. It's something that just happened (for whatever reason, God knows), and you can't control it. And that is infuriating. I think it's absolutely normal and biological for you to want your own child... and to be pissed about not being able to have it. As for exploring options, it's a good thing to do. Keeps you sane and keeps you feeling like you have some control in your life, the ability to search for happiness somewhere if it can't be where you want it. Hang in there, friend. I'm thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

I hope that this lease won't expire. . .

Marthavmuffin said...

I think you are selling yourself short. You will recover from whatever comes your way. I so agree with the people have more regrets about what they didnt do than what they do...You deserve your dream of being a mommy and if you think about it you have acheived it to some degee. I'm in your corner. I hope and pray it works out for you and your family.

Bea said...

A very poignant post, all of it very well said. I don't have any real comfort or advice to offer. I just hope you don't end up with any regrets.


Tricia said...

I envision the cottage or sometimes the loft in The City... I also don't want to get to 65 and regret not helping more kids, parenting kids...

I can't have both.

Amanda said...

I know how you feel, truly. i am totally sure that I would do the same exact thing - accepting Lily's placement and falling head over heels in love with her has been the *best* decision I ever made - but I do think that if she leaves, it could damage me beyond repair. I worry about that, especially since we have Lucy now...

I am just hoping you come out on the other side and you don't have to bear the leaving. Hugs.

Gretchen Osowski said...

I feel exactly the same way that you do. Although, we don't have any foster kids, we host our neice and nephew at least once a month for a weekend. They are 3 and 8, and when they are at my house, I do most of the "parenting" stuff. He wants to have children, and we can't wait to be approved for adoption, but our life "works" so well right now. Infertility sucks, but I have made my peace with it, and the longer the adoption process drags on, I feel like maybe we aren't ment to have them after all. Maybe we are just "forcing" parenthood. Although I have this thought every once in a while, I take it seriously, but not in a cold feet way, but in a soul searching way.