Friday, May 09, 2008

can there be a foster parent day instead?

My struggle to find my happy place continues.
I still feel like a fake mother.
I do not wish to acknowledge mother's day as a holiday regarding me. I am not really a mother. Finalize an adoption or give birth. THEN I will feel it.
For now, it does not feel right.

I feel a stretched bond with Sweet Pea. It is nothing like it was with Baby Boy, which is to be expected. I felt in many ways the boy was mine.
I do not share that sentiment regarding Sweet Pea.

Maybe because I've met his mother and did not the boy's. Maybe it's because I'm once bitten twice shy. Maybe I'm already tired.

I continue to experience my fleeting fantasies of walking away from this life to start another. Like this path is damaged or incorrect, and I should cut my losses and see what else there is.
I know I am crazy.

Sweet Pea continues to thrive. He's now got rolls behind his knees and is turning into a total chub. He has started laughing, usually at the strangest things and times.
He is still demanding, screaming when he wants something. Let's hope this is not a life long response!

I finished the boy's scrapbook. I am waiting for confirmation from his CM on MGM's address as she was renting while her burned down house was re-built. I will have nice color copies made for myself, but will sent the book.
I put a lot of work and love into it, but in say 10 years, it will not mean half as much to me as it will to him. I will always love and remember him, but not in a way that justifies keeping this book that's all about, and for, him.

I still take Sweet Pea to his visits. Well, I took him on Thursday and again this Saturday. It's strange not being the one redirecting or leading mom. Hard to put that case manager hat aside. Of course this is further complicated by Mom's burning need to talk with me and update me on everything she's doing. I asked the cm to talk with her about treating me more like furniture. I am there to hold the baby when she is not, and that's it.
As much as I thought I wanted to know about the case, I am finding I actually don't.

I spoke with hubs about it and am going to start pulling away from visits. They will be harder without me there for him, and there may be some difficulties as a result, but I feel I need the separation.
Self preservation. That's kinda my current focus.
I am not a stresser. I do not really get anxiety.
I am full of both, with a side of melancholy depression these days.

I think it's a phase. A normal phase. A late breaking remnant of infertility shit that was bound to happen.
I just wish it would go on it's merry way already.