UPDATE~~~
I have been skillfully avoiding anything that resembles actual work ALL DAY. Instead, I have been surfing the blogosphere like an addict, hoping for those posts to satisfy my need for a fix. I don't care if it's good news, bad news, ranting and raving, talking about pets, whatever. It's a distraction. Some of you may notice I post comments about everything. I apologize in advance if these seems needy and annoying. I'm compelled. Concentrating on someone else's 'stuff', even for just the minute it takes to read and respond, is therapeutic for me. I am a true social worker. I can help any other person through any other problem, as long as I am not personally involved or invested!
I am feeling better after spending these last few hours reading other's thoughts. Going to see a movie this afternoon in attempt to further enmesh in another time and place, so as not to focus on my current woes and worries.
To add to the concern, I started to spot a little this afternoon. That, of course, gives me pause. While trying to maintain my 'you never know' attitude, I cannot help but to find myself continuing to doubt this IVF will be successful. I do not regret trying again and I know we have other plans should this fail. But I will be so so sad. I think being sad now is my self preservation for the bigger bomb that may drop on Monday.
Anyway, I hope everyone has a good weekend and that when I surf again there is good news out there!!!
*********************************************************************************
I am officially depressed. Last night I just went to bed at 9:00, missing ER. I have rarely missed a show since it's debut, much less choosing not to watch. I will admit that there was no way in hell I was going to miss Grey's Anatomy and I stayed up for that~
Now I'm at work. This entire week has been difficult and I find myself unable to concentrate on anything. This is not good. My job does not stop for anything. It actually seems to be more stressful and demanding when I am at my lowest and feel I have nothing left to contribute. Most times I use work as an escape, throwing myself into solving the problems of my abused kids and their parents. When at home, I clean like a madwoman as a way of avoidance of any bad feelings. Neither of these are working.
My head is in a daze. I want to cry all the time. Hubby is upset because he doesn't know what to do with me. I don't know what to do with me. The more I try not to think about this being the end of the road, the more I focus on it. Now I'm full on depressed.
What a crappy post. I honestly find myself typing because I am hoping that if maybe I write it down it will somehow dissipate or lessen or something. I don't expect any responses; particularly because (as in many cases) there is no appropriate reply. I know things will be ok, and I know this is a phase, and I know I know I know.......but here I am just the same.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Thursday, September 28, 2006
blah
I am officially losing my mind. Not that it was all there to start with, but now I think I'm at 1/4 capacity at best.
For the last 5 days or so, I have had these cramps and twangs, and you know where. My back was sore all day, but I figured out that I probably slept wrong since it was gone the next morning. At first I was convinced it was AF about to show up, but then I realized it's a bit early for that. But then I remembered this process jacks up your system so who knows what's coming next. Yesterday AM I was convinced we were finished. The news from the dr was not unexpected, but bad none the less. After some serious denial that I was ok with it (I think my last post even said I was), I kinda lost it in the PM. Nothing like trying not to cry at work.........
Since I couldn't concentrate on the bajillion things I needed to be doing at work, I decided to comfort myself by surfing the IF blogs. And as I was not in a happy place, I started looking specifically for happy tales of successful IVF.
I happened upon a blog by Motel Manager, who is currently attempting to survive pregnancy. I scrolled down to find the entry in which she reports she is pregnant, hoping it would give me a much needed lift.
Instead I found a list of NO's. She was reciting all of the symptoms she was NOT experiencing, leading her to believe she was not pregnant (this obviously before finding out she was indeed knocked up).
I was astounded and freaked out to note that she commented she did not have sore boobs, highlighter pee, cramping, gas, and fatigue. The shock came because I did not realize this was a list of things you SHOULD have. I assumed the cramping meant the embies were working their way out. I have all of these things!!!
So now what. Do I allow myself to hope again or keep on my negativity train to ensure my safety when it pulls into the 'sorry' station.
I told hubby about it last night and he got upset with me. Said that this going back and forth was getting his hopes up, too. Well Ex-ka-use me!! So sorry you might have to feel something along the way, jackass!! Hmm. They can be so annoying sometimes.....
And here I sit at work, again unable to concentrate on ANYTHING but the what if's. I am officially sick of this entire process. It is physically and mentally a pain in my ass!!
OK. Now I'm done. Guess I just needed to vent and this blog seems like the only place these days to really do it where someone may comprehend what I'm really saying. Thanks ladies!!!
For the last 5 days or so, I have had these cramps and twangs, and you know where. My back was sore all day, but I figured out that I probably slept wrong since it was gone the next morning. At first I was convinced it was AF about to show up, but then I realized it's a bit early for that. But then I remembered this process jacks up your system so who knows what's coming next. Yesterday AM I was convinced we were finished. The news from the dr was not unexpected, but bad none the less. After some serious denial that I was ok with it (I think my last post even said I was), I kinda lost it in the PM. Nothing like trying not to cry at work.........
Since I couldn't concentrate on the bajillion things I needed to be doing at work, I decided to comfort myself by surfing the IF blogs. And as I was not in a happy place, I started looking specifically for happy tales of successful IVF.
I happened upon a blog by Motel Manager, who is currently attempting to survive pregnancy. I scrolled down to find the entry in which she reports she is pregnant, hoping it would give me a much needed lift.
Instead I found a list of NO's. She was reciting all of the symptoms she was NOT experiencing, leading her to believe she was not pregnant (this obviously before finding out she was indeed knocked up).
I was astounded and freaked out to note that she commented she did not have sore boobs, highlighter pee, cramping, gas, and fatigue. The shock came because I did not realize this was a list of things you SHOULD have. I assumed the cramping meant the embies were working their way out. I have all of these things!!!
So now what. Do I allow myself to hope again or keep on my negativity train to ensure my safety when it pulls into the 'sorry' station.
I told hubby about it last night and he got upset with me. Said that this going back and forth was getting his hopes up, too. Well Ex-ka-use me!! So sorry you might have to feel something along the way, jackass!! Hmm. They can be so annoying sometimes.....
And here I sit at work, again unable to concentrate on ANYTHING but the what if's. I am officially sick of this entire process. It is physically and mentally a pain in my ass!!
OK. Now I'm done. Guess I just needed to vent and this blog seems like the only place these days to really do it where someone may comprehend what I'm really saying. Thanks ladies!!!
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Just found out all my eggs are in one basket. again. The other six did not progress and were not viable to freeze. So this is definitely it. IT. It's scary to know that in five days my journey will be decided. We will either be pregnant and then worrying about everything that entails, or not, and being sad about what that entails. I admit it's almost a relief to be so cut and dry. Many of us just want SOMETHING to happen. IF treatments put us all on a holding pattern of waiting. Like the longest damn line at Disneyland..... but you stand there in the heat, waiting, just hoping the ride lives up to expectation. I'm getting on the teacups in five days~
On a funny note, I dreamt last night that Vince Vaughn and I were having two girls and a boy. Don't ask me why Vince. I mean, he makes me laugh and laugh (shared sarcasmic sense), but other then that he's not my usual dream date. It was wierd. I was totally tired this morning like the dream made my brain work too hard and I didn't get any rest. I also dreamt I was with my cousing, Kim, and we were going camping. But it was really late at night and we were fighting because she wanted to leave then and I wanted to wait until the morning. Then my husband told us both we were stupid because what good is camping when you're pregnant and not allowed to go hiking, anyway?? That's about when Vince showed up and he had a HUGE RV so I could still go camping but be uber comfy.
I do note the realities: my in-laws are currently RVing across the country in a beautiful home on wheels, my hubby and I are going to Sedona next weekend (and always go hiking), and there were three embies implanted. Maybe the dreams were a hodge podge of mental junk. Who knows.
Anyway, hope everyone is well. Not sure how much more I'll have to write about before Monday, but you never know. I haven't commented much on my work and there's a well of stories waiting to be told there..................
On a funny note, I dreamt last night that Vince Vaughn and I were having two girls and a boy. Don't ask me why Vince. I mean, he makes me laugh and laugh (shared sarcasmic sense), but other then that he's not my usual dream date. It was wierd. I was totally tired this morning like the dream made my brain work too hard and I didn't get any rest. I also dreamt I was with my cousing, Kim, and we were going camping. But it was really late at night and we were fighting because she wanted to leave then and I wanted to wait until the morning. Then my husband told us both we were stupid because what good is camping when you're pregnant and not allowed to go hiking, anyway?? That's about when Vince showed up and he had a HUGE RV so I could still go camping but be uber comfy.
I do note the realities: my in-laws are currently RVing across the country in a beautiful home on wheels, my hubby and I are going to Sedona next weekend (and always go hiking), and there were three embies implanted. Maybe the dreams were a hodge podge of mental junk. Who knows.
Anyway, hope everyone is well. Not sure how much more I'll have to write about before Monday, but you never know. I haven't commented much on my work and there's a well of stories waiting to be told there..................
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Random thoughts, and I do mean random
A few things have been brought to my attention while (spending time at work procrastinating my 3 page to do list and instead) reading other blogs. Here they are in no particular order:
Husbands are retarded.
Now each chicky-poo going through IVF and blogging about their experiences, has referenced at least one issue with their dh. These range from coddling us like we are glass tetering on a ledge, hiding things from us, no regards for bruised asses and continued injections, 'sparing' our feelings - AKA being full of shit or all out lying, an inability to read our minds, and attempting to problem solve the forces of nature.
Do I have a solution. HELL no.
IF is depressing.
I don't care if you have a good day or a bad day, this crap is depressing. Fighting with mother nature is like nailing jello to a tree, but here we all are with hammers in hand. Not to mention the oodles of drugs we pump into our bodies. I, for one, am the first to admit that I am skillfully niave when it comes to what I'm swallowing, injecting, or shoving up my hoo hoo. At the end of the day, I don't care, as long as it works. But there are moments when I pause and wonder what these foreign triggers are doing and how are they effecting me? But I wander from the point.
The point is, we have no control and that is depressing. Most have commented about someone they know having a child while they struggle. It is depressing trying not to think evil thoughts about someone who has what you want. It is depressing to have PMS and cramps and think 'why if the goods are broken?'. It's depressing to know you can only talk to your friends so much so you blog about this shit!!
This shit is expensive.
And I don't mean just financially. This process, from start to finish, costs us emotionally. Our lives feel on hold. Our friendships, family, work; everything gets put on lay-away while we keep hammering the jello.
Most of us would do it again and again.
The drive to have your 'own' child is so stong that with all of the tolls this process takes, most of us would do it over and over again just for that chance it could work. Brooke Shield did IVF something like 8 times before it worked. Now she is not the norm because A: she's loaded and B: she's got nothing else to do (her career isn't exactly on the fast track anymore). But the point is many of us suffer from unexplained infertility. So the failed results are also unexplainable. Which means they could maybe work. We changed clinics for round #2 thinking that would change the outcome. PALEEZ. But it's all in our minds........
There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
For some, the light is what the baby sees at the end of the birth canal when they are welcomed into the word by two loving and broke parents. For others, the light dings after we've run out of nails and our arms are sore from hammering and we find another way. You know, hoping maybe a baby will just FALL out of the tree we've been whacking on all this time. As with everything, there is always a resolution. For many of us, it is not at all what we wanted and hoped for. That negative test, depleated bank account, and drained emotions. But life will always move on.
As a social worker, I see children adopted and go on to lead wonderful lives. Over the past year, I have had to work on getting over myself and my desire to look at a baby and see myself. Now I think about looking at a baby and seeing them make my 'shut the fuck up' face. My mannerisms. My sarcasm. Maybe that 9 months of getting fat and a painful birth is not all that it's cracked up to be just to see myself in a little version. With my luck, the kid would look like my husband, anyway (hahaha).
None of us know and we change our minds every day. We're women. That's what we do.
So here's to all you other hammering women, hoping your jello was made with 1/4 the instructed amount of water so that the nail will stick through to the tree~
Husbands are retarded.
Now each chicky-poo going through IVF and blogging about their experiences, has referenced at least one issue with their dh. These range from coddling us like we are glass tetering on a ledge, hiding things from us, no regards for bruised asses and continued injections, 'sparing' our feelings - AKA being full of shit or all out lying, an inability to read our minds, and attempting to problem solve the forces of nature.
Do I have a solution. HELL no.
IF is depressing.
I don't care if you have a good day or a bad day, this crap is depressing. Fighting with mother nature is like nailing jello to a tree, but here we all are with hammers in hand. Not to mention the oodles of drugs we pump into our bodies. I, for one, am the first to admit that I am skillfully niave when it comes to what I'm swallowing, injecting, or shoving up my hoo hoo. At the end of the day, I don't care, as long as it works. But there are moments when I pause and wonder what these foreign triggers are doing and how are they effecting me? But I wander from the point.
The point is, we have no control and that is depressing. Most have commented about someone they know having a child while they struggle. It is depressing trying not to think evil thoughts about someone who has what you want. It is depressing to have PMS and cramps and think 'why if the goods are broken?'. It's depressing to know you can only talk to your friends so much so you blog about this shit!!
This shit is expensive.
And I don't mean just financially. This process, from start to finish, costs us emotionally. Our lives feel on hold. Our friendships, family, work; everything gets put on lay-away while we keep hammering the jello.
Most of us would do it again and again.
The drive to have your 'own' child is so stong that with all of the tolls this process takes, most of us would do it over and over again just for that chance it could work. Brooke Shield did IVF something like 8 times before it worked. Now she is not the norm because A: she's loaded and B: she's got nothing else to do (her career isn't exactly on the fast track anymore). But the point is many of us suffer from unexplained infertility. So the failed results are also unexplainable. Which means they could maybe work. We changed clinics for round #2 thinking that would change the outcome. PALEEZ. But it's all in our minds........
There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
For some, the light is what the baby sees at the end of the birth canal when they are welcomed into the word by two loving and broke parents. For others, the light dings after we've run out of nails and our arms are sore from hammering and we find another way. You know, hoping maybe a baby will just FALL out of the tree we've been whacking on all this time. As with everything, there is always a resolution. For many of us, it is not at all what we wanted and hoped for. That negative test, depleated bank account, and drained emotions. But life will always move on.
As a social worker, I see children adopted and go on to lead wonderful lives. Over the past year, I have had to work on getting over myself and my desire to look at a baby and see myself. Now I think about looking at a baby and seeing them make my 'shut the fuck up' face. My mannerisms. My sarcasm. Maybe that 9 months of getting fat and a painful birth is not all that it's cracked up to be just to see myself in a little version. With my luck, the kid would look like my husband, anyway (hahaha).
None of us know and we change our minds every day. We're women. That's what we do.
So here's to all you other hammering women, hoping your jello was made with 1/4 the instructed amount of water so that the nail will stick through to the tree~
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Let me reintroduce myself
Hello. My name is paranoia. I am sensitive to every twinge, pang, cramp, sneeze, cough, crap, and fart. Every bodily function leads me to believe the three little embies have left their nest. Sneezed - there they go. That pushed them out. Coughed - bye bye. Big long pee - they're riding the yellow river out out and away.
This sucks. I can't stop thinking and dwelling on it. Everything seems like an omen. Went out to lunch yesterday. First time leaving the apt in 2 days. Got a shirley temple. Yes, waitress, I am eight. Came with three cherries. THREE. Place has peanuts. My first had THREE in it. Can I over dramatize any more? Probably.
Anyway, thought I would update I'm in the 10 day wait and dying. Hmph. Back to over thinking and finishing the laundry I've put off forever.......
This sucks. I can't stop thinking and dwelling on it. Everything seems like an omen. Went out to lunch yesterday. First time leaving the apt in 2 days. Got a shirley temple. Yes, waitress, I am eight. Came with three cherries. THREE. Place has peanuts. My first had THREE in it. Can I over dramatize any more? Probably.
Anyway, thought I would update I'm in the 10 day wait and dying. Hmph. Back to over thinking and finishing the laundry I've put off forever.......
Friday, September 22, 2006
No News WAS Great News!!!
holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit. Oh yea, did I say holy shit????
We heard NOTHING until we got to the clinic. Then there was no one there in the outpatient center. We were sitting and waiting for about 20 minutes before I got up and went into the main office and explained to the receptionist I needed to talk with the dr ASAP. I mean, this is my freakin future and I'm about to freak out completely if I don't get some kind of answer!!! So she gets the nurse who tells us we're an hour early. I told her this is the time the embryologist said to be there and she said he messed up. I told her it was probably because I needed to get the valium to take one hour prior.
So she goes to get the drugs and the dr so we can see what we're doing. First thing, turns out I took double what I was supposed to for egg retrieval! HAHAHAHA. No wonder I don't remember anything about that entire 1/2 a day!!!
Then the embryologist comes out. First of all, let me say he is Oriental and somewhat difficult to understand. I was straining to comprehend every word because I didn't want to get anything wrong.
He tells us there is one really good egg, and two decent ones they are going to transfer. I almost jumped out of my seat and hugged him. Instead, I started to weep. Not cry, but the continued conversing with tears streaming down my face weeping. He went on to say there are still 6 more embies he is watching. He is moderately hopeful that maybe 2 of them will progress enough to freeze.
Did I say holy shit?
I was in total shock. We both were. I was so prepared to get there and be told none of the embies progressed and we had nothing to work with and the journey was officially over.
I realize that was only half the battle. Now to see if they stick. Last time we had 2 great embies and neither hung around. But at least there's a chance.
So yesterday and today on couch potatoe assignment. Blah. Just me and the puppy hanging about all day with dear hubby waiting on my ass. Sounds great, right? It's ok. Boring. And add being paranoid that any little move I make could dislodge something.
At the same time, the last go I literally layed on the couch and bed for two days and tried not to move and they STILL didn't stick. So this time I'm not so anal. Plus the dr actually said it's better not to be horozontal, but more just sitting around. I guess every clinic has their own way. I've also read it makes absolutely no difference if you're laying, sitting, or up and about, as long as you're not doing anything to jumpy or stressful. Who the hell knows.........
Thank you everyone for all your prayers and good wishes. Something worked! I'm truly extatic to be at this point. Even if it doesn't work, at least I had a chance. All those belly shots and pills and gina jamming sessions and crappy blood draws and bruises and appointments and retrieval were worth something. I think all IVFers worry about every stage of the game. From follicle counts, to retrieval, to embryo count and quality, to transfer, to the test, to the first trimester.... it's just so hard sometimes. It really does make me feel better to read other people's blogs and see that we're all thinking and thinking and thinking.
Better get back to the lazy boy. Woo hoo. Doesn't it figure the 2 days I have to do nothing but watch tv and movies there is NOTHING ON!!!
We heard NOTHING until we got to the clinic. Then there was no one there in the outpatient center. We were sitting and waiting for about 20 minutes before I got up and went into the main office and explained to the receptionist I needed to talk with the dr ASAP. I mean, this is my freakin future and I'm about to freak out completely if I don't get some kind of answer!!! So she gets the nurse who tells us we're an hour early. I told her this is the time the embryologist said to be there and she said he messed up. I told her it was probably because I needed to get the valium to take one hour prior.
So she goes to get the drugs and the dr so we can see what we're doing. First thing, turns out I took double what I was supposed to for egg retrieval! HAHAHAHA. No wonder I don't remember anything about that entire 1/2 a day!!!
Then the embryologist comes out. First of all, let me say he is Oriental and somewhat difficult to understand. I was straining to comprehend every word because I didn't want to get anything wrong.
He tells us there is one really good egg, and two decent ones they are going to transfer. I almost jumped out of my seat and hugged him. Instead, I started to weep. Not cry, but the continued conversing with tears streaming down my face weeping. He went on to say there are still 6 more embies he is watching. He is moderately hopeful that maybe 2 of them will progress enough to freeze.
Did I say holy shit?
I was in total shock. We both were. I was so prepared to get there and be told none of the embies progressed and we had nothing to work with and the journey was officially over.
I realize that was only half the battle. Now to see if they stick. Last time we had 2 great embies and neither hung around. But at least there's a chance.
So yesterday and today on couch potatoe assignment. Blah. Just me and the puppy hanging about all day with dear hubby waiting on my ass. Sounds great, right? It's ok. Boring. And add being paranoid that any little move I make could dislodge something.
At the same time, the last go I literally layed on the couch and bed for two days and tried not to move and they STILL didn't stick. So this time I'm not so anal. Plus the dr actually said it's better not to be horozontal, but more just sitting around. I guess every clinic has their own way. I've also read it makes absolutely no difference if you're laying, sitting, or up and about, as long as you're not doing anything to jumpy or stressful. Who the hell knows.........
Thank you everyone for all your prayers and good wishes. Something worked! I'm truly extatic to be at this point. Even if it doesn't work, at least I had a chance. All those belly shots and pills and gina jamming sessions and crappy blood draws and bruises and appointments and retrieval were worth something. I think all IVFers worry about every stage of the game. From follicle counts, to retrieval, to embryo count and quality, to transfer, to the test, to the first trimester.... it's just so hard sometimes. It really does make me feel better to read other people's blogs and see that we're all thinking and thinking and thinking.
Better get back to the lazy boy. Woo hoo. Doesn't it figure the 2 days I have to do nothing but watch tv and movies there is NOTHING ON!!!
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Is no news good news or just denial?
We survived the first husband induced shot in the ass. He did very well for being afraid of needles! It was so cute! He seemed so nervous and kept asking "are you ok? ok? ok? you ok?" the entire time he was giving the shot. I survived, too, especially realizing the needle seemed pretty damn big. Boy was that a prick! (that's what she said at the picnic).
I am REALLY REALLY hoping that no news is good news. I haven't heard back from the dr telling me all the embies died or anything. I am a bit naive on how it all works. I know they put them in a dark chamber-like thing, but do they look at them every day to see how they're progressing or just leave them alone until it's time to implant? I am scared shitless I'm going to get to the office tomorrow morning only to be told there's nothing there to work with. So I'm sticking with the no news is good news theory so I can get some sleep tonight.
We also discussed the multiples. I didn't sign the form for selective reduction. What's the point? You go thru all this crap and then get rid of a few because it's not what YOU had in mind? Granted, there are some 'outs' to this argument, but generally speaking, I don't think many IVFers would sign this form. We decided that we will sign it if it means they are able to put all the eggs in my basket. If the eggs are somehow deformed, as the dr reported, but miraculously are able to suvive and multiply, I am concerned they may not survive the freezing and thawing process. Wouldn't it be a waste to risk that when they could just toss em' all in me?? We also agree we don't want to go thru this again, even if it is just the thaw and stick part. It's really exhausting emotionally, not to mention financially, when it continues to fail. I am losing my hold on hope.
Guess we'll see what happens tomorrow. Have to be there at 10:15 and I ASSUME they would call if there's no need to come in. Unless they deliver bad news in person. Shit. I just thought of that one. Oh well. At least they have valium there. I can be barren AND stoned!
I am REALLY REALLY hoping that no news is good news. I haven't heard back from the dr telling me all the embies died or anything. I am a bit naive on how it all works. I know they put them in a dark chamber-like thing, but do they look at them every day to see how they're progressing or just leave them alone until it's time to implant? I am scared shitless I'm going to get to the office tomorrow morning only to be told there's nothing there to work with. So I'm sticking with the no news is good news theory so I can get some sleep tonight.
We also discussed the multiples. I didn't sign the form for selective reduction. What's the point? You go thru all this crap and then get rid of a few because it's not what YOU had in mind? Granted, there are some 'outs' to this argument, but generally speaking, I don't think many IVFers would sign this form. We decided that we will sign it if it means they are able to put all the eggs in my basket. If the eggs are somehow deformed, as the dr reported, but miraculously are able to suvive and multiply, I am concerned they may not survive the freezing and thawing process. Wouldn't it be a waste to risk that when they could just toss em' all in me?? We also agree we don't want to go thru this again, even if it is just the thaw and stick part. It's really exhausting emotionally, not to mention financially, when it continues to fail. I am losing my hold on hope.
Guess we'll see what happens tomorrow. Have to be there at 10:15 and I ASSUME they would call if there's no need to come in. Unless they deliver bad news in person. Shit. I just thought of that one. Oh well. At least they have valium there. I can be barren AND stoned!
Monday, September 18, 2006
SOOB, WTF, FU, KMA
The office called and reported out of the 18 eggs retrieved, 10 were mature enough for fertilization. Yeay, right? Nope. Dr. went on to say that all of the eggs had 'defective' outer layers, which makes the prognosis poor for continued development. Son of a bitch. Are you serious? All this for nothing??? AGAIN?!? WTF!!! How do you achieve such great stimulation to end up with THIS bullshit?
If you can't already tell, I'm pretty pissed. I'm sad, and upset, and depressed, but mostly just PISSED.
He commented that we'll have to wait and see, so I suppose there is still hope. Said that some great embies fizzle out while not so great end-up working.
Trying not to give up just yet, but somehow giving up feels easier. Thinking that if this doesn't work then at least I'll get to quit work sooner. The plan is to do foster/adopt. If I got pg, I'd wait the 9 months to quit. If not, we would start foster care classes and be ready to move forward in 6 months. That's three months less of my stupid job. We'd also go on a dive trip somewhere. Woo freakin hoo. Hard to get excited about all that yet when my hopes have just been crapped upon by some guy over the phone.
So whomever it is you rely on as your higher power, ask that she cut me some slack just this once.
If you can't already tell, I'm pretty pissed. I'm sad, and upset, and depressed, but mostly just PISSED.
He commented that we'll have to wait and see, so I suppose there is still hope. Said that some great embies fizzle out while not so great end-up working.
Trying not to give up just yet, but somehow giving up feels easier. Thinking that if this doesn't work then at least I'll get to quit work sooner. The plan is to do foster/adopt. If I got pg, I'd wait the 9 months to quit. If not, we would start foster care classes and be ready to move forward in 6 months. That's three months less of my stupid job. We'd also go on a dive trip somewhere. Woo freakin hoo. Hard to get excited about all that yet when my hopes have just been crapped upon by some guy over the phone.
So whomever it is you rely on as your higher power, ask that she cut me some slack just this once.
Now we wait - we're good at this
First, thanks to all the well wishers. Yesterday was the big day, well, one of them. Here's all I know thus far:
18 eggs retrieved. The bigger follicles turned out to be filled with fluid and no eggs. BIG bummer, but focusing on the wonderful 18.
Felt ok afterwords. STILL haven't seen the damn dr. They put me under before he got there and woke me up when he was gone. Strange.
As the evening went on, I started feeling worse. A heavy feeling in the processed area. Hurt to sit down so I mostly just layed down. I also felt bloated, like I needed to push out the world's biggest fart, but nothing. Sat on the crapper for 20 minutes at a time hoping for some relief, but nada. TMI, I know. Oh well. Too late now if you're on to this part (0:
This AM feeling a little better, but still that bloated feeling. I'm waiting it out before calling the dr. to see if it's normal. I am a paranoid woman. Called in sick to work today. Who needs the stress of my job right at this moment? The junkies and abusers can - and will - have to wait until tomorrow to yell at me. In case I forgot to mention it, I work for Child Protective Services. I may have commented on it before but I cannot remember each word of every blog! It is not a job for the faint of heart, but I am pretty good at it. Aside from being paranoid, I am also not prone to stressing out. Well, about most things~
So now the wait for the phone call. The one of two scary calls- this one to tell me how many eggs are now embryos. The second scary call is the one telling you if your blood test was good or not. I realize I, and we, have no control over these things, but it's very hard not to feel responsible. When the male has no real issues, then it all seems to rest on your shoulders. How many eggs, if they stick. These are all things going on in OUR bodies so we can't help to feel some nagging responsibility for both failure and success. Now that I stress about. I think we all do.
Last time we implanted 2 embryos. This time, I think I want to request 3. I'm not sure why, I just do. Here's a funny/scary thought. Twins run in my husband's family. Theoretically, any embryo could split and become twins. So if we implant 3, and they all split, holy moly!!! That would be bad. Very very very bad. I don't think we could agree on that many names.
18 eggs retrieved. The bigger follicles turned out to be filled with fluid and no eggs. BIG bummer, but focusing on the wonderful 18.
Felt ok afterwords. STILL haven't seen the damn dr. They put me under before he got there and woke me up when he was gone. Strange.
As the evening went on, I started feeling worse. A heavy feeling in the processed area. Hurt to sit down so I mostly just layed down. I also felt bloated, like I needed to push out the world's biggest fart, but nothing. Sat on the crapper for 20 minutes at a time hoping for some relief, but nada. TMI, I know. Oh well. Too late now if you're on to this part (0:
This AM feeling a little better, but still that bloated feeling. I'm waiting it out before calling the dr. to see if it's normal. I am a paranoid woman. Called in sick to work today. Who needs the stress of my job right at this moment? The junkies and abusers can - and will - have to wait until tomorrow to yell at me. In case I forgot to mention it, I work for Child Protective Services. I may have commented on it before but I cannot remember each word of every blog! It is not a job for the faint of heart, but I am pretty good at it. Aside from being paranoid, I am also not prone to stressing out. Well, about most things~
So now the wait for the phone call. The one of two scary calls- this one to tell me how many eggs are now embryos. The second scary call is the one telling you if your blood test was good or not. I realize I, and we, have no control over these things, but it's very hard not to feel responsible. When the male has no real issues, then it all seems to rest on your shoulders. How many eggs, if they stick. These are all things going on in OUR bodies so we can't help to feel some nagging responsibility for both failure and success. Now that I stress about. I think we all do.
Last time we implanted 2 embryos. This time, I think I want to request 3. I'm not sure why, I just do. Here's a funny/scary thought. Twins run in my husband's family. Theoretically, any embryo could split and become twins. So if we implant 3, and they all split, holy moly!!! That would be bad. Very very very bad. I don't think we could agree on that many names.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
It's Time to Lay Some Eggs
I never know if what the people at the office say is really true. When you hear "Oh, WOW! Things are looking really really good", you're not sure if that's the standard line of if things really are looking really really good. Like the sales girl telling me I look great in those $100 jeans when I know full well my cheeks look like canned hams hoping to be released for dinner. It's frustrating for a person, like myself, who wants the truth, even if it is not the best news. At least that would help prepare for the worst while hoping for the best.....
That's what they said at my appointment yesterday. Things are looking really really good. I have 20 follies ranging from 20-24, and a few more ranging from 15-19. Sounds pretty effin good to me, but now's the time the self-preserving doubt mode kicks in. No one likes to be disappointed. Least of all when you've already experienced this specific disappointment before.
The hope creeps in and the hope creeps out; the hope creeps in and shakes your heart about. You do the IVF and it turns your world around; That's what it's all about!
Took my trigger shot last night at EXACTLY 9:30PM as directed. Was hoping to skip the Ganirelix shot but no such luck. Also still taking the antibiotic, which I have come to realize makes me nauseous no matter how or when I take it. With food, without, water, soda- you get the picture. Blechhh.....
Egg retrieval is tomorrow at 7:AM. I get to pop a valium tonight before bed, then another 30 minutes before scheduled procedure time. That should help calm my jittery nerves. Hubby proposed we split them. No freakin way. There are few perks to this process and this sounds like one of them, so I am definitely. not. sharing.
On a completely different note, we visited our old house today. We sold it about a month ago and I was friendly with the new owner. We moved to an apartment literally 4 blocks away, so I told her if she needed anything to let us know. We went over to show her how to backwash the pool, operate the sprinkler timer, what plants were what, etc.
I was worried it would be sad to see our old house. I have a tendency to have problems letting things go. This was not one of those occasions.
The first thing to hit us was the smell. Cigarettes, dog, moth balls, and wierd storage smell. She's smoking in my house!!! EEEEWWWWW!
I had never realized how much our senses contribute to our daily existence. That a funky smell could wipe away and trace of the bond I had with my house! It's not MY house anymore, it's HER stinky house. It looks the same. She hasn't painted anything. But it's just so different. I was glad because I realized I was able to let go of some things ~ they just have to be stinky (0:
I'll update after the surgery, probably Sunday. I am SO going to milk every moment from now until then. I figure with all I have to deal with, my hubby can suck up waiting on my ass. After all, I am a princess!
That's what they said at my appointment yesterday. Things are looking really really good. I have 20 follies ranging from 20-24, and a few more ranging from 15-19. Sounds pretty effin good to me, but now's the time the self-preserving doubt mode kicks in. No one likes to be disappointed. Least of all when you've already experienced this specific disappointment before.
The hope creeps in and the hope creeps out; the hope creeps in and shakes your heart about. You do the IVF and it turns your world around; That's what it's all about!
Took my trigger shot last night at EXACTLY 9:30PM as directed. Was hoping to skip the Ganirelix shot but no such luck. Also still taking the antibiotic, which I have come to realize makes me nauseous no matter how or when I take it. With food, without, water, soda- you get the picture. Blechhh.....
Egg retrieval is tomorrow at 7:AM. I get to pop a valium tonight before bed, then another 30 minutes before scheduled procedure time. That should help calm my jittery nerves. Hubby proposed we split them. No freakin way. There are few perks to this process and this sounds like one of them, so I am definitely. not. sharing.
On a completely different note, we visited our old house today. We sold it about a month ago and I was friendly with the new owner. We moved to an apartment literally 4 blocks away, so I told her if she needed anything to let us know. We went over to show her how to backwash the pool, operate the sprinkler timer, what plants were what, etc.
I was worried it would be sad to see our old house. I have a tendency to have problems letting things go. This was not one of those occasions.
The first thing to hit us was the smell. Cigarettes, dog, moth balls, and wierd storage smell. She's smoking in my house!!! EEEEWWWWW!
I had never realized how much our senses contribute to our daily existence. That a funky smell could wipe away and trace of the bond I had with my house! It's not MY house anymore, it's HER stinky house. It looks the same. She hasn't painted anything. But it's just so different. I was glad because I realized I was able to let go of some things ~ they just have to be stinky (0:
I'll update after the surgery, probably Sunday. I am SO going to milk every moment from now until then. I figure with all I have to deal with, my hubby can suck up waiting on my ass. After all, I am a princess!
Thursday, September 14, 2006
They DO Exist
We are not alone!! This is what I have been discovering while neurotically surfing the blogosphere. I am not alone doing IVF. I am not alone being scared to fail - AGAIN. I am not alone getting bad blood draws. I am not alone getting sick of feeling like a human pin cushion (with fugly bruises to match). I am not alone feeling like I've lost all possible dignity with the daily gina jamming (aka, internal ultrasounds). I am not alone wanting someone to read my little thoughts and leave comments!
I do want to comment (on a somber note) how sad it really does make me to read about other women's struggles and failures. Miscarriages, low follicle counts, failed IVF, unbalanced pregnancies. Even my own basically undiagnosed infertility seems like nothing when I read the road blocks these women have faced. I selfishly hope I am lucky enough not to have to go down those same roads. I was devistated at a completely failed IVF. I couldn't imagine a successful one leading to a miscarriage. Shudder........
Another appointment this morning. Again, excited to get a draw on the first prick with minimal bruising and swelling. You know it's bad when they go straight to your hands........
Follicle count at a whopping 20. Yes, I said TWENTY! Woo hoo! I know I used that in the last post but it truly accounts for my thoughts; so I'll say/write it again. Woo hoo!
Lovie still in the lead with a solid 12. Looks pretty freakin stuffy in there by the ultrasound picks. I wondered if the little eggs get clostrophobic all shoved together in those follicles?
Other IVFers have commented about their hormone levels and such. Either I am niave or single minded because I don't even think to ask about that. Probably because I would then have to ask what the hell the number they gave me meant! I am strict folly counter. And sizer. I strain to see that monitor and even pointed one out I though the NP missed. She thought that was funny. I didn't want to get shorted anything! She promised me that during the removal, they can't miss a thing and usually do catch a few the monitoring may have overlooked. Whatever bitch! I'm here for NUMBERS!!!
On the medication update, still shooting up Follistem, 225 AM and PM, taking the antibiotic AM and PM, and the last 2 days the Ganirelix shot. Did I mention I think I am completely allergic to the Ganirelix?? After the injection, the entire area turns red and itches like a SOB!! Oh, it's horrid. I end-up doing a little dance like kids when they have to pee ~ trying to mind over matter myself into not scratching. Then if I do scratch, it hurts more because I already have a bajillion little needle holes and beastly bruising. Ok, maybe not a bajillion. But the bruising is oh so sexy~
I was hoping the retrieval would be tomorrow, but it's now looking like Saturday. Honestly, I wanted it sooner rather then later so I wouldn't have to blow another $400 on a Follistem cartridge. It's almost $200 a shot! That's absolutely insane! I don't even buy shoes that are over $30! All this money and we haven't even started paying for the potential child. That kid's going to be in hand me downs and thrift store threads unless the grandparents cough up some cute duds.......
So today's my birthday. Another year gone by with no bundle of joy. Bundle of bills, yes. Oh well. It was a pretty good day, anyway. I remember thinking that I would have a child by 30 and now that has come and gone. Not for lack of trying. Then people ask what you want for your birthday and all you want is to be knocked up and that's something they just can't get you. Then you blow out your candles and everyone knows what you wished for. And isn't there a rule that if people know your wish it won't come true? Maybe I should start wishing I never have a baby. And that baby I'm never going to have is yucky and mean and no one likes them. A little reverse wishing psychology!
Another appointment tomorrow and hopefully we'll be moving forward. I swear there's no more room in the Lovie Inn..................
I do want to comment (on a somber note) how sad it really does make me to read about other women's struggles and failures. Miscarriages, low follicle counts, failed IVF, unbalanced pregnancies. Even my own basically undiagnosed infertility seems like nothing when I read the road blocks these women have faced. I selfishly hope I am lucky enough not to have to go down those same roads. I was devistated at a completely failed IVF. I couldn't imagine a successful one leading to a miscarriage. Shudder........
Another appointment this morning. Again, excited to get a draw on the first prick with minimal bruising and swelling. You know it's bad when they go straight to your hands........
Follicle count at a whopping 20. Yes, I said TWENTY! Woo hoo! I know I used that in the last post but it truly accounts for my thoughts; so I'll say/write it again. Woo hoo!
Lovie still in the lead with a solid 12. Looks pretty freakin stuffy in there by the ultrasound picks. I wondered if the little eggs get clostrophobic all shoved together in those follicles?
Other IVFers have commented about their hormone levels and such. Either I am niave or single minded because I don't even think to ask about that. Probably because I would then have to ask what the hell the number they gave me meant! I am strict folly counter. And sizer. I strain to see that monitor and even pointed one out I though the NP missed. She thought that was funny. I didn't want to get shorted anything! She promised me that during the removal, they can't miss a thing and usually do catch a few the monitoring may have overlooked. Whatever bitch! I'm here for NUMBERS!!!
On the medication update, still shooting up Follistem, 225 AM and PM, taking the antibiotic AM and PM, and the last 2 days the Ganirelix shot. Did I mention I think I am completely allergic to the Ganirelix?? After the injection, the entire area turns red and itches like a SOB!! Oh, it's horrid. I end-up doing a little dance like kids when they have to pee ~ trying to mind over matter myself into not scratching. Then if I do scratch, it hurts more because I already have a bajillion little needle holes and beastly bruising. Ok, maybe not a bajillion. But the bruising is oh so sexy~
I was hoping the retrieval would be tomorrow, but it's now looking like Saturday. Honestly, I wanted it sooner rather then later so I wouldn't have to blow another $400 on a Follistem cartridge. It's almost $200 a shot! That's absolutely insane! I don't even buy shoes that are over $30! All this money and we haven't even started paying for the potential child. That kid's going to be in hand me downs and thrift store threads unless the grandparents cough up some cute duds.......
So today's my birthday. Another year gone by with no bundle of joy. Bundle of bills, yes. Oh well. It was a pretty good day, anyway. I remember thinking that I would have a child by 30 and now that has come and gone. Not for lack of trying. Then people ask what you want for your birthday and all you want is to be knocked up and that's something they just can't get you. Then you blow out your candles and everyone knows what you wished for. And isn't there a rule that if people know your wish it won't come true? Maybe I should start wishing I never have a baby. And that baby I'm never going to have is yucky and mean and no one likes them. A little reverse wishing psychology!
Another appointment tomorrow and hopefully we'll be moving forward. I swear there's no more room in the Lovie Inn..................
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Cha-Ching
Woo hoo! GREAT morning. Blood draw on the first try! Funny how something so simple becomes so exciting. Hey, you try getting poked all the time and then see how happy a good one makes you ~ (that's what she said at the picnic).
Ultrasound shows 18 good follicles, ranging from 17-22!!! 18 bigguns!! Rovie is catching up to Lovie, finally kicking it into gear with some mega production. This count of 18 does not include the several small follicles lurking in the background at a mere 11-14. There's hope for those little ones yet!
Bad news was I had to purchase yet another cartaridge of meds. Add that $385 to the tab. Jeez. Why is this shit so expensive??? Males. They are running the show. You can get a week's worth of hard-ons for a $10 co-pay, but try to get knocked up? Need I say more~ I SO could, but won't....
One positive side effect is my skin looking pretty good. Far from perfect, but it's plump and soft. Or maybe that's just because I have been taking the time to wash it before bed. Hmm.
Still having headaches and fatigue and hunger. Last night was interesting. I was nauseous but my tummy was growling. Quite a delima!
I got my Valium today. They are for the retrieval and the implantation. Thought of maybe telling the Dr. I lost them so I can stock up (0: You never know when you'll need a good dose of Valium, right?
Ultrasound shows 18 good follicles, ranging from 17-22!!! 18 bigguns!! Rovie is catching up to Lovie, finally kicking it into gear with some mega production. This count of 18 does not include the several small follicles lurking in the background at a mere 11-14. There's hope for those little ones yet!
Bad news was I had to purchase yet another cartaridge of meds. Add that $385 to the tab. Jeez. Why is this shit so expensive??? Males. They are running the show. You can get a week's worth of hard-ons for a $10 co-pay, but try to get knocked up? Need I say more~ I SO could, but won't....
One positive side effect is my skin looking pretty good. Far from perfect, but it's plump and soft. Or maybe that's just because I have been taking the time to wash it before bed. Hmm.
Still having headaches and fatigue and hunger. Last night was interesting. I was nauseous but my tummy was growling. Quite a delima!
I got my Valium today. They are for the retrieval and the implantation. Thought of maybe telling the Dr. I lost them so I can stock up (0: You never know when you'll need a good dose of Valium, right?
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Pain really does = Gain
Another happy appointment this morning. It did not start happy. The NP could not get a blood draw from me for anything. And by anything, I mean repeated sticking with a needle in different locations. A back-up was called in and she was able to get enough from my hand, but then went thru the vein before finishing up. So now I have three bruises and a HUGE bump on the back of my right hand that is looking like it's going to turn funny colors any minute.
Then the Gina Jammer did the ultrasound. YEAY!!! Lovie's still going strong! We now have 14 good sized follicles on the left and about 10 medium on the right. Seeing those big black spots on the ultrasound made all the bloodwork bruises fade away~
Tonight I start the Ganorelex shot, making it three a day. This shot is to supress ovulation so I don't blow my wad too quickly. We don't want all those eggs free falling when we're not looking! And here's a note for those in this process looking to save a buck -
I kept all of the cartaridges from the Follistem medication and took them into the Dr. They were able to use a small syringe and draw out the leftover medication. We found out last time that the drug company over fills the cartaridges so you have quite a bit leftover. I was able to get two additional shots out of those leftovers, saving $375! Woo hoo! Discount that from the $14000 and you've got enough to go to lunch!
ETA for retrieval is now Saturday. This puts implantation on Tuesday or Wednesday, which kinda sucks being smack in the middle of the week knowing you're off your feet for 48 hours. On the other hand, that's a nice looooong weekend. My job doesn't stop when I do, so taking time off can be difficult.
It's also hard to be on your back for 2 days. Only because you're supposed to. If it was a weekend and my hubby was out of town and I was tired, I could pull a 48 hour couch session no problem!
Next appointment tomorrow morning......
Then the Gina Jammer did the ultrasound. YEAY!!! Lovie's still going strong! We now have 14 good sized follicles on the left and about 10 medium on the right. Seeing those big black spots on the ultrasound made all the bloodwork bruises fade away~
Tonight I start the Ganorelex shot, making it three a day. This shot is to supress ovulation so I don't blow my wad too quickly. We don't want all those eggs free falling when we're not looking! And here's a note for those in this process looking to save a buck -
I kept all of the cartaridges from the Follistem medication and took them into the Dr. They were able to use a small syringe and draw out the leftover medication. We found out last time that the drug company over fills the cartaridges so you have quite a bit leftover. I was able to get two additional shots out of those leftovers, saving $375! Woo hoo! Discount that from the $14000 and you've got enough to go to lunch!
ETA for retrieval is now Saturday. This puts implantation on Tuesday or Wednesday, which kinda sucks being smack in the middle of the week knowing you're off your feet for 48 hours. On the other hand, that's a nice looooong weekend. My job doesn't stop when I do, so taking time off can be difficult.
It's also hard to be on your back for 2 days. Only because you're supposed to. If it was a weekend and my hubby was out of town and I was tired, I could pull a 48 hour couch session no problem!
Next appointment tomorrow morning......
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Lefty loosey
We're in business! Dr. appt #2 this morning and the eggs they are a hatching. Well, not really. They are a brewin? Productin? Oh hell, there's a lot of them!!! Looks like Lovie's in the lead with a solid big 10, and Rovie's behind with about 6 bigguns.
We're way ahead of the game compared to the first go of it. That time I had a lot of eggs, but they were all small. This time, a little less, but nice and plump.
And I realize I need to mention that we've named to ovaries, Lovie and Rovie. Add an R or L to Ovie and there you have it. So Lovie's kicking Rovie's ass, but there's definitely a race goin on.
I have decided that my overeating is actually feeding the ovaries. I am needing to lose about 30 pounds, but lack the initiative. The meds have made me hungry and sleepy and I have been chowing down on everything without caution.
I don't know about you but I get tired of always thinking about food and dieting and working out and my weight and my jeans size. It's exhausting! Whether it's for health or vanity, counting carbs and sugars and calories and fat just gets OLD. So I have been eating whatever happens to cross my plate for the past couple of weeks. I have decided if this IVF doesn't work, I'll throw myself into dropping these pounds once and for all. I think this would be like getting your car washed and then it rains. Maybe if I lose weight and look really good I'll get knocked up right after a big shopping spree.....................
Shots are still the same, 1 AM 1 PM. They still burn and itch a little bit, but not enough to worry about 5 minutes after I'm done. Last post I mentioned taking a new med, turns out it's an antibiotic. Also found out that I cannot take it on an empty stomach. Whew. It was not pretty.
I was looking through my goody bag of expensive drugs and happened to look in the syringe bag. Much to my surprise, the guage was large enough to kill a megabeast. I showed my hubby and his jaw also dropped. I commented that if they think I'm going to stick myself with THIS they are out of their freakin minds. The damn needle is as big as the plastic ones that come in the children's doctor kits!
I asked the doctor this morning and she informed me the needle is only for medication removal. I asked her why they don't tell patients this and she kinda laughed and said they forget until patients bring it up with a petrified look on their faces. A assume this look tickles their funny bone so they keep the joke going..... HAHAHAHA. Whatever. If it wasn't my ass I was worried about poking I would probably giggle, too.
ETA for egg retrieval is around the 15th. The good news this morning is honetly the first time I started looking forward to the rest of the journey. I'm still scared shitless this won't work again and we'll be out ANOTHER $14,000. Hoping this time I won't have to put all my eggs in one basket and we'll have some left over just in case~ just in case it doesn't take and just in case it does. If it does, we may have one baby and we would like to push it and have two. It would be better - obviously- not to have to go through this entire process again; instead thawing some extras out and sticking them in. It all sound so easy in writing, doesn't it?? I could be writing about food. MMM MMM embies (0:
I am really starting to wonder if anyone is reading this blog. Would it be too much to ask for a little 'hello' comment? I thought it was funny when my sister told me she practically lives for people commenting on her blog. Now I know exactly what she's talking about. It's nice to know you're not talking/writing to yourself and that someone is just a little interested in what you're saying. Realistically, I am totally stuck in jr high mentality and wondering why no one likes me? Doesn't anyone want to be my friend? Don't you love me?
This weekend I made a Superman cake for our friend's son's birthday. Came out pretty damn good if I do say so myself - which I DO. I am waiting for the hubby to download the digital cam pics (because I technically challenged and never learned to do it myself) and I will post a pic.
I took cake decorating classes but learned how to make all kinds of flowers. Of course, the now 8 year old boy was not so interested in a pretty daisy creation, so I figured it out as I went along. Even had a parent asking if I would be interested in making a cake for her son's upcoming Spiderman gathering. No thanks. We bake for those we love ~ or want to impress!
We're way ahead of the game compared to the first go of it. That time I had a lot of eggs, but they were all small. This time, a little less, but nice and plump.
And I realize I need to mention that we've named to ovaries, Lovie and Rovie. Add an R or L to Ovie and there you have it. So Lovie's kicking Rovie's ass, but there's definitely a race goin on.
I have decided that my overeating is actually feeding the ovaries. I am needing to lose about 30 pounds, but lack the initiative. The meds have made me hungry and sleepy and I have been chowing down on everything without caution.
I don't know about you but I get tired of always thinking about food and dieting and working out and my weight and my jeans size. It's exhausting! Whether it's for health or vanity, counting carbs and sugars and calories and fat just gets OLD. So I have been eating whatever happens to cross my plate for the past couple of weeks. I have decided if this IVF doesn't work, I'll throw myself into dropping these pounds once and for all. I think this would be like getting your car washed and then it rains. Maybe if I lose weight and look really good I'll get knocked up right after a big shopping spree.....................
Shots are still the same, 1 AM 1 PM. They still burn and itch a little bit, but not enough to worry about 5 minutes after I'm done. Last post I mentioned taking a new med, turns out it's an antibiotic. Also found out that I cannot take it on an empty stomach. Whew. It was not pretty.
I was looking through my goody bag of expensive drugs and happened to look in the syringe bag. Much to my surprise, the guage was large enough to kill a megabeast. I showed my hubby and his jaw also dropped. I commented that if they think I'm going to stick myself with THIS they are out of their freakin minds. The damn needle is as big as the plastic ones that come in the children's doctor kits!
I asked the doctor this morning and she informed me the needle is only for medication removal. I asked her why they don't tell patients this and she kinda laughed and said they forget until patients bring it up with a petrified look on their faces. A assume this look tickles their funny bone so they keep the joke going..... HAHAHAHA. Whatever. If it wasn't my ass I was worried about poking I would probably giggle, too.
ETA for egg retrieval is around the 15th. The good news this morning is honetly the first time I started looking forward to the rest of the journey. I'm still scared shitless this won't work again and we'll be out ANOTHER $14,000. Hoping this time I won't have to put all my eggs in one basket and we'll have some left over just in case~ just in case it doesn't take and just in case it does. If it does, we may have one baby and we would like to push it and have two. It would be better - obviously- not to have to go through this entire process again; instead thawing some extras out and sticking them in. It all sound so easy in writing, doesn't it?? I could be writing about food. MMM MMM embies (0:
I am really starting to wonder if anyone is reading this blog. Would it be too much to ask for a little 'hello' comment? I thought it was funny when my sister told me she practically lives for people commenting on her blog. Now I know exactly what she's talking about. It's nice to know you're not talking/writing to yourself and that someone is just a little interested in what you're saying. Realistically, I am totally stuck in jr high mentality and wondering why no one likes me? Doesn't anyone want to be my friend? Don't you love me?
This weekend I made a Superman cake for our friend's son's birthday. Came out pretty damn good if I do say so myself - which I DO. I am waiting for the hubby to download the digital cam pics (because I technically challenged and never learned to do it myself) and I will post a pic.
I took cake decorating classes but learned how to make all kinds of flowers. Of course, the now 8 year old boy was not so interested in a pretty daisy creation, so I figured it out as I went along. Even had a parent asking if I would be interested in making a cake for her son's upcoming Spiderman gathering. No thanks. We bake for those we love ~ or want to impress!
Thursday, September 07, 2006
I am officially suffering from retarded side effects. I have read the labels on the Follistem and there is nothing noted about being exceptionally tired and hungry. All the time. Day. Night. Bed at 9:00. Sleeping until 7:30. Tummy growling.
I don't remember this from round 1. Selective memory? Maybe. Hubby doesn't recall this, either. Oh, I forgot to mention the headaches, but that's because it's the one thing I have that IS on the label warning........
As this is taking on the complete template of a bitch and moan session, I may as well add on that I am already sick of poking myself twice a day. And this is the beginning of the road!!! There are many more shots to be had!!
Today I started the second medication, a pill called Doxycycline. Don't ask me what it's for because I don't know. Isn't that sad? I think my form of denial is ignorance. If I just do what they tell me to when they tell me to do it without thinking about it then I won't get all worked up or concerned or worried. Yeah, right. that's total bs.
OK. I realize I should let all this go out of my fingers, onto the page, away away away.
My mom brought up that after the implantation it is probably not a good idea to walk up 2 flights of stairs to my apartment. Jeez. I kinda thought about that but now it's a growing seed in the garden of what if's. I'll have to ponder that some more.
I don't remember this from round 1. Selective memory? Maybe. Hubby doesn't recall this, either. Oh, I forgot to mention the headaches, but that's because it's the one thing I have that IS on the label warning........
As this is taking on the complete template of a bitch and moan session, I may as well add on that I am already sick of poking myself twice a day. And this is the beginning of the road!!! There are many more shots to be had!!
Today I started the second medication, a pill called Doxycycline. Don't ask me what it's for because I don't know. Isn't that sad? I think my form of denial is ignorance. If I just do what they tell me to when they tell me to do it without thinking about it then I won't get all worked up or concerned or worried. Yeah, right. that's total bs.
OK. I realize I should let all this go out of my fingers, onto the page, away away away.
My mom brought up that after the implantation it is probably not a good idea to walk up 2 flights of stairs to my apartment. Jeez. I kinda thought about that but now it's a growing seed in the garden of what if's. I'll have to ponder that some more.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
No Pain, No Gain
I can honestly say it isn't getting any easier. First shot, no problem. Since then, not so much. My tummy is starting to look like a pin cushion with red dots and bruises under my belly button. A couple of the shots have been irritating, burning and itching during and after the injection. What the hell, man??? Last time I don't remember having a whole lot of issues, except with one medication that gave me a rash after every injection. But none of this with the Follistem before.
My hubby also pointed out that the last Dr. had me in the office every other freakin day. I started shots on Sunday and don't go in until Thursday. That's a lot of inbetween time. Makes me a bit nervous. Do these people know what they're doing? Did we pick the right doctor? Am I seriously going to what if myself to death right in the middle of it? Well, yeah. Obviously I am.
Tomorrow I start another 2 medications. I'll have to read the labels to see what and when. I don't even know if they are shots or pills or what. Both doctors gave me a hokey chart to follow. It's a very elementary spreadsheet. They would do a lot better to upgrade it a bit; really spell it out instead of using the generic one for every patient.
I'm no dummy. But when you're doing this and you're already nervous you start wondering if you forgot something. Especially when you have $4000 worth of medication in bags in your fridge with all these weird labels and instructions. And you're basically on your own. You don't want to call the office every 10 minutes just to make sure. OK. You DO want to call the office every 10 minutes but you're little 'don't be THAT patient' voice kicks in and tells you not to. Then there's the 'yeah yeah, we've been here done that' voice that reminds you you've been through this before and you should know better by now ~ but you really don't.
Maybe we should add a medication for schizophrenia with all these damn voices!!!
There's the update for now. I'll update again after the appointment tomorrow morning. In the meantime, I'll stick with it (pun intended).
My hubby also pointed out that the last Dr. had me in the office every other freakin day. I started shots on Sunday and don't go in until Thursday. That's a lot of inbetween time. Makes me a bit nervous. Do these people know what they're doing? Did we pick the right doctor? Am I seriously going to what if myself to death right in the middle of it? Well, yeah. Obviously I am.
Tomorrow I start another 2 medications. I'll have to read the labels to see what and when. I don't even know if they are shots or pills or what. Both doctors gave me a hokey chart to follow. It's a very elementary spreadsheet. They would do a lot better to upgrade it a bit; really spell it out instead of using the generic one for every patient.
I'm no dummy. But when you're doing this and you're already nervous you start wondering if you forgot something. Especially when you have $4000 worth of medication in bags in your fridge with all these weird labels and instructions. And you're basically on your own. You don't want to call the office every 10 minutes just to make sure. OK. You DO want to call the office every 10 minutes but you're little 'don't be THAT patient' voice kicks in and tells you not to. Then there's the 'yeah yeah, we've been here done that' voice that reminds you you've been through this before and you should know better by now ~ but you really don't.
Maybe we should add a medication for schizophrenia with all these damn voices!!!
There's the update for now. I'll update again after the appointment tomorrow morning. In the meantime, I'll stick with it (pun intended).
Sunday, September 03, 2006
One down, how many to go???
We've encountered our first change. We, meaning I, are now taking 2 shots per day. Last round of IVF I had one mega shot every evening. Now it's one in the AM and one 12 hours later. This sucks because it means I have to wake-up at the same time every morning, even on my weekends, which this is. So it's up at 7:30 no matter what. The shots need to be within a 1 hour time reference, the closer the better. I figured 7:30 would give me enough time every morning no matter what my schedule for the day.
Shot #1 was like buttu. Did it standing in the kitchen. Why the kitchen? I had to get the meds from the fridge and figured 'screw it. i'm already here'. Injections are in the stomach, below the belly button, so it's not like a need a mirror to see what I'm doing. Think of it like a diabetic with the insulin. After awhile, seems like a waste to get up and go to the bathroom every time you need a new injection, so you end up shooting up wherever you happen to be.
Shot #2 in 5 minutes. Then we're going to sushi - Sakana's for anyone in the Phoenix area. It's the best I've had locally. Huge servings, low prices. What a bargain.....
There's the update. No, I'm not going to post after every injection, although that could be pretty funny. Short little one liners counting each and every stick. But shot #1 is always a doozy. So are the last few because you're so sick of doing it and there are all these little red dots around your belly button. Looks like an infection or something. Then add the heroin chic bruises from the blood draws............you can see where this needle numbing bitch session is digressing. So that's all for now.
Maybe I will be annoying and post after every injection. Guess we'll have to see!!!
Shot #1 was like buttu. Did it standing in the kitchen. Why the kitchen? I had to get the meds from the fridge and figured 'screw it. i'm already here'. Injections are in the stomach, below the belly button, so it's not like a need a mirror to see what I'm doing. Think of it like a diabetic with the insulin. After awhile, seems like a waste to get up and go to the bathroom every time you need a new injection, so you end up shooting up wherever you happen to be.
Shot #2 in 5 minutes. Then we're going to sushi - Sakana's for anyone in the Phoenix area. It's the best I've had locally. Huge servings, low prices. What a bargain.....
There's the update. No, I'm not going to post after every injection, although that could be pretty funny. Short little one liners counting each and every stick. But shot #1 is always a doozy. So are the last few because you're so sick of doing it and there are all these little red dots around your belly button. Looks like an infection or something. Then add the heroin chic bruises from the blood draws............you can see where this needle numbing bitch session is digressing. So that's all for now.
Maybe I will be annoying and post after every injection. Guess we'll have to see!!!
Friday, September 01, 2006
Oh happy doggy day
Today, I am a proud mama. My baby boy ventured into the dog park and came out alive, as did all the other dogs! It was our first true dog park experience. Veto was able to run around with seven different pooches, including the complex's identified mean dog. He butt sniffed, whined, barked, and frolicked with dogs of all sizes, earning him an extra treat when he got home.
I no longer have to scope out the park to ensure it is empty before allowing my dog to take a leak. The mommy is happy~the world has resumed turning.
I no longer have to scope out the park to ensure it is empty before allowing my dog to take a leak. The mommy is happy~the world has resumed turning.
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