Still Dreaming of a White Christmas

Slowly but surely I am catching up. Thank you to those who posted Reader's Digest versions of the latest on your lives. It did help me not feel so out of touch.

I can't remember the last time AF stayed away for Christmas. Which brings me to the title, that every year I start flowin right around Christmas. So this year, I was popping Midol and then the holiday song came on. I started laughing so hard my eyes watered. Thank God I was alone. So now every time I hear that song it has a totally different connotation for me. Jeez. Now Holiday tunes are related to my IF!!

Speaking of the AF, I am more and more aggrivated with it. Never the same time, spotting for a week before flow, cramps, poops, the works. And for what. I used to remind myself it was there for a good cause - that all that pain and annoyance led to pregnancy. But now? Not so much. Just the pain and annoyance. My gyn says I could go back on the pill and try and straighten it out. Hmmm. Here comes the clincher.
dr says eggs are crap. But what if? What if my ovies finally shoot out a good one and I'm on the damn pill? Chance in a million? Billion? Yep. But still a chance.

Change in subject:
Holidays were great. Exhausting. MIL & SIL came early to help prepare. Nothing says nuts like a party 2 weeks after move in!!
We even painted the dining/living room. It looks amazing!!! 2 toned olive greens with a white chair rail. beeeyutiful. They painted my island in the kitchen this color I've been visually making love to for a month, only to find the color looks like a damn pumpkin in the morning. Jury's still out on this one. AM - It's the Great Pumpkin Charley Brown! PM - It's simmering nutmeg and tasty goodness. Guess I'll have to finish up the rest of the family room and dining room before deciding if the nutmeg pumpkin stays or goes......

All else is good. Doing nothing for new year's. Again. No desire I suppose. Most friends have kids and can't go out, then I get annoyed with all the younguns and drunks out anyway. Last year I went to bed at 12:10. Stayed up just for the sake of staying up but really didn't give a crap. Just happy to get the day off (0:

Hope everyone had a great holiday. Let's hope this new year brings more good news - there's already been some with twins, adoption, and upcoming IVF. I'm also sending good vibes to my friend, Lauren, who should have been implanted right now. Her first IVF cycle and I hope she's surviving it! Let's all send her the good baby vibes and sticky thoughts~~

HELP ME!!!

I am officially overwhelmed. By several things. By the move. The need to get everything done to have a party in 5 days. All the people coming over.
But currently by all of you. I am amazed how many people still came to see my blog, to ask where I've been. I've gotten better responses there then from my own friends. How sad is that?
I am also overwhelmed trying to catch-up. It seems like so much has happened in one month and it's taking me forever to try and read back and catch all those thoughts.
So I ask a favor. Would you terribly mind posting a comment with an update on how and what you're doing? I know that sounds like such a cheesy and lazy thing to request, but I really want to know and it's taking too long to read each blog individually so quickly. What I mean is, eventually I will get to all the blogs and catch up, but right now I am so so so so busy and can't seem to read everyone but I really want to know what's going on.

Call it a Christmas present!

And I figure maybe what one person writes may trigger a response from a new reader or someone who's not posted lately. It may update others then just myself!
And my husband would appreciate my not holding his laptop hostage for such long periods of time..........

Things are progressing here. Slowly. I finished painting the guest bedroom yesterday. Prioritized it since my MIL will be coming Wed and I wanted the paint stench cleared out as she will be sleeping in there. Looks pretty good. Color is all blue.... reminds me of a Tiffany's box! Still needs the details but so far the only room looking remotely finished, which is annoying.
Still putting things away here and there. Boxes and boxes of stuff. Lots from the office, which we don't have set-up. Was a built in my hubby did and not furniture we could move. He's going to do something similar here, but could take awhile. So boxes of books in the meantime!
Have the nursery designated and a toddler room, too. We're planning on getting licensed for 0-2 so I best be prepared for either. Start working on those after the holidays....

I look forward to reading what you all are doing and I SWEAR I'm going to get all caught up on what I've been missing~

Really, I'm not dead!

Well hello there girls! Been awhile. Short version of where I've been is as follows:
Were getting free internet service at apartment. Service provider wised-up and we would have paid, but it was just a short time until we moved out anyway, thus we allowed service to remain shut off. So I used work computer. Work provider decided to start blocking all blog sites among many many others. No damn access. Withdrawls. Sadness I was so addicted to blogs, but more sad I couldn't see what everyone was doing.
But now that's over and we finally got some freakin service. Of course the computer isn't hooked-up yet so I am currently high jacking hubby's laptop.
We finally moved into the new house. What a freakin mess. Took forever to get out of the apartment so there's crap everywhere. Our storage unit is sitting in the driveway since Saturday and we haven't opened it. Going to have to tackle it on Saturday since we're in a bit of a rush. You see, the whole damn family will be here for Christmas, so in our infinite wisdom thought it would be a good idea to have an open house/Christmas party on the 23rd! My work is busy and hubby's is insane, so my head is about to completely explode.

Which is why I'll leave it at that for now because I am exhausted and need to go to bed but really really really wanted to say hello to everyone in this way at least. I really miss everyone!!! I'm sure I'll be high jacking this laptop many times in the next few days until I get caught up on what's been happening the last month. Maybe it will motivate him to set up the computer. Guess we'll see.
Talk with you all soon!!

Ignorance is Bliss

At least for me. I know that many people read books on IF or adoption for information. I can't do this. My bio-aunt gave me a book on The Adopted Self when we first met. Guess she figured it may help me muddle through meeting the bio family and all the baggage that comes with discovery. I flipped through it, but really didn't read it. No interest.
I think in some ways I social work myself..... meaning I have mental counseling sessions in my own head about things. Not always, but usually I can process things really well, so I don't feel a need for more information. Reading blogs will tell anyone that the bottom line is usually the same, IF sucks, but the roads to that line are all different. I enjoy reading other's thoughts and stuggles and triumphs, but books don't convey the day to day I find in the blogs. I relate with the blog babes. I can't relate to some unknown author.

My husband just came in and started to read what I was typing. I asked him if he read this blog at all and he said "No. I figure it's kinda like your diary or something. Now if there was anything in there that you DIDN't want me to see, I'd be upset because I would hope we could talk about anything". I should count my blessings more often.

In other news, we went to OR last weekend to see the hubby's family. Well, our family. His step-sister lives there, although she and her husband are in Ireland for a few years working and traveling. They rented out their home while away and the renters left a cigarette smoldering. Burned the back 1/2 of the house. It was horrible to see. Of course there's the good news that no one was hurt, none of their belongings were in the home, and much of the home will be salvaged, but man. That's their home! And she put A LOT of work into it over the years. It's a 19th century Victorian in an upcoming neighborhood.
It brought back memories as my parent's home burned down 6 years ago. It was a total loss. It was horrifying to see the home I live in my entire life nothing but smoke and ash. To see my prom dress half melted, stuck to my letterman's jacket. But in the end, it's just stuff. Not everything can be replaced, but it's stuff.

Losing things makes me ponder a lot. I think about how lucky I am to have all the family I have. All the support. All the love. Everyone has been so wonderful about the infertility crap. They just want grandkids, no matter where they come from. They want to see us parents, even if it's not biological. They want us to be happy, and were sad with us when IVF failed again. They supported us emotionally and financially, contributing to the Fertility Fund for IVF #2.

I am looking forward to the holidays more this year than the past few years. It has been a horrible year, with many sad things happening. I am ready for it to be over, but moreover I am ready for a new year to begin. The fork in the road came quickly and we're pushed towards adoption. I can go kicking and screaming or full of hope and excitement. I can't read someone else's thoughts or opinions about it, just have to jump in and go for it myself. Nothing is ever perfect, and most things don't go the way you planned. IF fits into this thought like nothing else.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I plan spending Christmas with all of my family as stronger woman.

TAG TAG TAG TAG

I've been tagged by Lola to list 5 things you may not know about me. Well, that leaves a lot as long as it doesn't have to do with IVF!!!

1) I like to be alone. This has taken a long time. I used to hate being by myself, now I enjoy it. I like walking alone. Just this weekend, we went to my SIL cabin in OR. It was far far away, quiet, peaceful, cold. I took a morning walk and loved it. Didn't want to turn back. Saw deer in the woods, birds flying overhead, calm life opening up around every curve of the dirt road. It was lovely. I often daydream about disappearing alone. Taking the essentials and just poof. Gone. New state, country, no one knows me. Under the Tuscan Sun kinda fantasy.

2) I am a self beautification junkie. I have more then 100 shades of nail polish. More then 100 shades of lipstick. Tons of face creams, mud masks, hair products, clips, eye shadows/make-up, and jewelry. And none of it expensive because I am a bargain shopper. Maybe if I invested in some key things I would use them more instead of buying everything that looks pretty, but no. And did I mention the scented body lotions and bubble baths??

3) I tried to kill myself every year from the time I was in 3rd grade. Always trying to OD on medications. No one knew until 10th grade when I really did it and landed my ass in a treatment center. It was in that center I realized I was going to be a social worker of some kind. I spent more time talking and helping the other patients then I did addressing my own issues. I didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, hadn't even kissed a boy yet. Many counselors actually questioned why I was there in the first place. I addressed my issues later in life and put them in a mental box for safe keeping. I had to learn that life goes on, you just have to find a direction and take it. I still struggle sometimes, but try to keep ahead of myself. All that experience helped with IF. I commented on another blog that there are a lot of decisions and waiting in IF, but IF is right in the middle of lIFe, where you are always faced with hardships.

4) I have 4 Dads, 4 Moms. Bio parents, adopted parents, husband's parents, husband's step-parents. It can be a bit overwhelming since they are all so very different. This Christmas, they will all be in my new home. Well, not really. Hoping to see bio dad but don't speak with bio mom so that won't happen. But both sets of hubby's parents and my adopted parents will be over. My saving grace of this is that I LOVE HOSTING. I'll throw a party for anyone. I handmake invites, bake and decorate cakes, have themes, the works. Controlling things calms me, thus hosting the party keeps my mind occupied and I don't get freaked out over anything. We'll see if that holds out this year with so many people coming over right after we move into the new house.

5) I used to be a synchronized swimmer. I went to Nationals in DC my jr year. Did ok. Nothing serious. Started swimming on a summer team when I was like 4 and never really got out of the water. Swam year round from 5th grade to jr year of high school and then was just done. Few years later became a coach and lifeguard. Now I scuba dive whenever I get the chance. I am more comfortable in the water, any water, then anywhere else in the world. Now if I could just look better in a swimsuit, things would be grand!

WELL. There it is. I'm not sure why I picked the things I did, and will probably be laying in bed later thinking "I should've written this or that", but I guarantee those are things you, the blogoshpere society, did not know about me.

On another note, recently I am getting blocked from getting to people's sites from their comments, stating they have disabled their profiles or something. What is this people? I don't have site names written down on a post-it so I rely on clicking on the comment names to take me to your leaders, I mean sites!!! If you are one of these people, I would love it if you fixed this for me (0:

I now pass the task to the Nixter, BabyBlue, Bea, and Lara.

Rowing

Last week, we attended the first of many meetings for foster care. It was the orientation meeting with the agency I selected. Being in this field already, I have a lot of knowledge and connections. I have worked with most, if not all, of the licensing agencies in my district, so I was able to rely on my own experiences when picking one for us.

This meeting was a taste of what is to come. There weren't many people there, and it was fairly obvious the ones that were did not have a lot of background information about the system. Which is why the agencies have these orientations!
For me, it was quite painful. My knowledge is also a hinderance, because I was bored to death. And sure enough, the woman running the show was someone I know, so she would ask me questions throughout the orientation! I tried to be as quiet as possible, because no one likes a know-it-all, but she kept asking me questions!!!

It was interesting to see how much second hand knowledge my husband has also picked-up on. He even commented on it as we were leaving that he surprised himself with how much he already knew. And I thought he never listened!

Classes start in January, which gives us plenty of time to move and get all that in order. There are 11 classes, 1 per week. And then there's the paperwork. Oodles of it. We need fingerprints, background checks, relative info, pay stubs, bank account info, mortgage info, dog vaccine info, full physicals, references, and the list goes on and on. We'll be meeting with a licensing worker to go over it all soon.

At the end of the meeting, they asked if anyone had questions. Yep, you guessed it, they were all directed at me. I have a feeling this is likely to happen during training classes as well.

Lots of mixed emotions. I am happy to get started, and sad that holds a form of resignation to having a biological child. I worry my own adoption luggage will be hard to keep in the closet, and I don't want to pass it along to any child. I wonder how I will approach the discussion of adoption, and how it will be taken. In many ways, adopting an older child alleviates some of this because they already know. You will have to fill in some details, but the big whammy is already in the open.
I wonder if our child will get ADHD or Bi-Polar disorder since so many of the children I work with have these diagnosis. I worry about how I will address this.

There is just so much that you think you can control if it's your biological child, that you risk if it's not. But when I really think about it, there are no major differences. It's all a crap shoot. Like why one woman can get pregnant and another can't. Why some miscarry and others don't. Why IF goes unexplained. Why physical abnormalities occur without reason.

I suppose the point is I am scared. With all that I already know about what we're about to do, there are so many things I don't. My husband is looking to me for direction and information, and I am looking within myself for peace and understanding. I feel a lot of pressure.
There's the 'too soon' argument, that we should slow down until I am comfortable with this direction we're forced to be going, but I don't think that's the answer. I don't know if I will ever be ok with not being able to have a biological child. If I will ever get rid of my own emotional baggage about adoption. If I will ever stop worrying, thinking, freaking myself out over the possibilities.

So here we go! Grab a paddle and get going since you're stuck in the boat, anyway.

I appreciate all of the comments from my last post. There were many who thought I should get a second opinion. What I failed to mention is that this kinda WAS the second opinion.
When the first IVF failed so horribly, and we decided to try once more, we interviewed new doctors. I was upset with the first office because they did not inform me none of the embies were able to be frozen until I had the nurse call to check while I was getting my pg test. I knew I wasn't pregnant (you know, how you just KNOW), so I was really counting on the ability to transfer some frozen embies. Needless to say I was devistated, but also very very angry no one bothered to call and tell me.
We agreed to shop around. Interviewed 3 docs. #1 freaked me out because he was agreeing to do every test I wanted. Some may see this as a good thing, but I was concerned he didn't appear to have any opinion at all, just yep yep yep. Agreeable is good, but it was too much.
#2 was good but spent the entire time talking to my husband. I would ask a question and he would then look at hubby and respond. I redirected him a couple of times to talk to me, but blech. No thanks. It's my body he's going to be intimate with, the least he can do is make eye contact! Reminded me of a car mechanic who thinks the woman doesn't know anything so they automatically address the man. Unless you have nice boobies, of course.
Went with #3. He reviewed everything PRIOR to our appointment. He spoke to me, looked at me, addressed me. On the alternate, hubby commented being put off because the dr didn't pay him much attention! I laughed at that. Poor boys aren't used to that... pity. This same dr met with me last week and went over every part of the cycle. Showed me pictures, diagrams, the works. It was obvious he wanted me to understand everything, which was refreshing.
All of the other dr's had this and that vague idea of what the problem was, but #3 was precise. Did say there was always a chance, but I prefer this direct approach.
Before even entering, I had an idea my eggs were an issue. I looked over all the results of both treatments and saw where everything stalled. Happened right at the time of multiply and divide, which is the egg's responsibility.

In some ways I am ok with this outcome. I always said I just wanted an answer. Yeah, it's not a good answer, and sure as shit not the one I was hoping for, but there it is anyway. And my hope is not entirely gone, either. Maybe there's one hiding in there just waiting for the right moment. Maybe that's now.

Here's the interesting thing. I am late for AF. I started spotting a week ago, but nothing major and all dark. Now, nothing. Not even a hint of AF arrival. No bloating, cravings, cramps. Nada. It's CD 28. I am NOT getting my hopes up much, but it is interesting. I have always been irregular (and not just in this area hahaha) but this is a new thing. I have been early, or gone for 2 weeks straight, but usually spotting leads into the full cycle and I have all the symptoms in advance.
Can I just say that my body sucks? I will TOTALLY redact that statement if things change in the future, but for now I stand by it.

Cars with no engines. Tweenkies with no filling.

Went to the dr on Thursday for a follow-up. I was looking for some more concrete answers then the same ol' "we'll see how it goes" crap. This time I walked in knowing I was not leaving until I got the dr to give me a real opinion. He was receptive and open. Went through the entire cycle.

18 eggs retrieved, 15 mature. All hormone levels normal. Wonderful stim. Embie dr watches all the eggs, including immature. Puts immature in dish and surrounds with sperm just to see what happens. One of my 3 fertilized. So we're at 16 ebies to start.
And that's where it all goes to shit.

Embies are supposed to divide and multiply. Mine seem to have missed that memo. Most stalled quickly, around the 4 cell mark. The "good" one implanted was a 16 cell, however, it jumped from 4-16 and kinda missed the 8 point, which is abnormal. Other two "best" embies were 7 cell, which is pretty dismal as they should have at least been at 8.

SO WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME IS THAT MY EGGS ARE BAD?
Well, not bad exactly, but obviously abnormal. They appear to be missing the mechanism that encourages the cell division necessary for growth.

IS THERE ANY WAY TO CORRECT THIS?
No.

WHAT ARE MY OPTIONS?
We could continue to try IVF in the hopes that there is one good egg in there, but to be honest, it doesn't look good. You could opt for a donor egg, however, this will be quite expensive and there are no guarantees. There is quite a waiting list for donor eggs as we speak. If you had your own sponsor, you could get started a lot sooner, and it would mediate the cost of buying someone's eggs, but you're still faced with a large expense and there are no guarantees that would lead to a successful pregnancy. There is a chance that your entire reproductive system is compromised, which would explain the continual production of abnormal eggs.

And that's it. Game over. Rotten eggs. Who'd have thought? I mean, I read about abnormal hormone levels, low sperm counts, bad stimulation....... the list goes on. But I have NEVER heard of rotten eggs. I had a guess since both rounds of IVF were similar with everything hunky dory until the ICSI part; But it's another thing entirely to hear it out loud. Loud like a door slamming. Bomb exploding. Hope being shattered like a million pieces of glass. My heart breaking.

It just never ends

Man oh Man. Just when you think you're more or less past something, it reaches out and grabs you by the balls and gives you a good twist.
I have this dual personality. In many ways, I'm an onward and upward type of person. When life gives me lemons, I use them to hit someone. When a door closes, I kick it until it breaks from the frame. Maybe not such good references since I am soundling like a violent chic, but you get the point. I don't linger. I had to learn this trick over many years of personal struggles. If I let myself, I will get lost in my own head. Sometimes for days at a time I wouldn't sleep or eat. Total depression. Suicidal, the works. Can't be doing that....
I also have difficulty letting go. Used to stay friends with every ex-boyfriend. Look up old high school people just to see what they're doing. Think about what I could have done differently and what that alternate choice would have meant. Cumpulsive second guesser.
I have been trying to keep busy looking forward to foster care and adoption. Thinking about other things helps not to dwell on current unhappy events.
Last night, out of nowhere, laying in bed at 11PM, I started bawling. Quietly, but full bodied shaking tearfest. I didn't want hubby to hear and come in. I don't know why, exactly, but partly because I was just in my own moment by myself and wanted to keep it that way.
As much as I try to move on in my head, my heart still aches. I know so much about adoption, and you'd think I would find comfort in this, but I don't. A little, but not much. I know I want to be a mother and that's the only way, but I really really really wanted to get pregnant and have my own baby.
It sounds so silly and selfish, but there it is. And I really don't care about what anyone else thinks of that. Counseling 101: you feel what you feel whether it's 'wrong' or 'right'.
I have dreamt the same dream for so long. As a child, playing pretend, I would put a pillow under my shirt and be the mommy. All other kids were my children. When my friends were pregnant, I imagined it was me. I put myself in their shoes every step of the way. When in the delivery room helping my best friend bring her little girl into the world, I wanted to feel her pain. I cut the ambilicle cord. I held her daughter all night long so my friend could sleep. I don't want to be the godmother, I want to be the mother. I want all of those experiences, even if they are difficult. I want to get swollen ankles. I want to look like I swallowed a beach ball. I want to experience pushing life out. I want to breast feed.
And there's the hole, knowing this is not likely to happen. What do you do with that? I know it will take time. But I am so fucking sick of time. All of IF is time. Waiting, hoping, time ticking by. And every month is marked by a big useless period. Blech.

Just some stuff

Once again, sitting at work doing everything BUT work, including reading blogs, posting comments, and creating a new post. I don't even have much to say! Now that we're inbetween, meaning no more ART but not yet starting foster/adopt process, things are just pretty stagnent.
AKA - boring.

We went to the new house on Saturday and it's coming along quickly. Drywall finished, tile in. Needs countertops, carpet, and appliances. And lighting fixtures and that kinda junk. But we're so so so ready to get in there!!! I cannot wait to get started decorating my little butt off. The smell of paint and plastic bags that many decorating necessities come in (curtains, comforters, new pillows). Ahhhhh.

Then we looked in the back yard and realized what a job that's going to be. The lot is .3 acre. That's a whole lotta landscaping! And since we're the do it yourself couple, that's a whole lotta work. Trenching has to be the worst part about it. Muscle building. Like an outdoor gym that gives you blisters and a backache.

Haven't 'gone' anywhere with the homeopathic path to pregnancy. Focusing on losing some weight first. Drinking a ton of water, which means I'm a pee machine. I don't think I have ever spent this much time in the bathroom unless I was ill! Cut back portions by close to 1/2. Trying to eat a lot more veggies - pretty easy since I like most of them. No desserts, even the low fat and calorie, until I lose 15lbs. Clench my butt cheeks going up and down the stairs to 3rd floor apartment. Thigh master thing while watching TV.
And most recently walk/jogging with hubby. Went yesterday in the AM, bout a mile. Not bad for the first go in a long while. May not have been good timing since in the afternoon I went with my friend and her 2 boys (ones from the why my husband needs parenting classes post) to a pumpkin festival. Spent about 4.5 hours on my feet. It was fun with rides and carnival type atmosphere.
First week lost 4lbs. Last week -2. Guess that's progress but I am not a patient person. I want instant results! Oh well.

Um, what else of interest. Bought a new couch. GIANT sectional to be delivered when we move. It's an L shape with two full couches and a chaise at the end. Microfabric, boring taupe color. Really comfy. It will be in the family room, replacing the 2 couches we currently have that are a nightmare. Bought them at a model home furniture sale for a steal. Neglected to realize the fabric was a kind of woven material in which all dog hair worked it's way into and did not want to come out without hours of hand vacuuming. They're pretty trashed with sheets covering them. Classy, I know. Hubby wants to toss them but being the Mrs. Frugal I am I have overridden this impulse decision and elected we are going to put them in the loft and I will purchase couch covers when they go on sale somewhere. You won't really see them in the loft, anyway.

I guess that's it. Was it worth your time reading? (0:
Oh Oh Oh!!!!! I almost forgot that you need to look at this page ASAP. The Nixter and I have decided to run with the Secret Santa idea. The problem is we need some participants! I got some good feedback on my post bringing it up, but now we need some committment people!! The instructions are on her site, which the page reference above should take you to. So join in the fun and give me something to do or I will continue to write rambling posts like this one!!!

Couldya just shite yourself

Interesting day to say the least. Started off with an 'are you serious' moment. I was discussing my plans to do foster/adopt with a licensing worker I know. She finally asked the BIG QUESTION: Why? I told her my husband and I had been trying for awhile and were unsuccessful having biological children. She then asked the usual have you tried this and that. Then she said this:

But you're so pretty!

OK. Did I miss something? Is there a correlation to looks and fertility? I struggle to believe this since I have some seriously fertile clients that in my opinion (most of which are surely tickets to hell) have been hit with the fugly stick a few times.

Then this conversation, about 30 minutes later. In the lunchroom sippin some soup and reading a trashy mag all by my lonesome when a girl comes in. There are A LOT of girls in this office, many of whom I don't know. We all run our own schedules and seldom interact with anyone other then the people in our unit (7 peeps). I don't know this girl's name or what she does.
She turns from the microwave and says "I know this is kinda wierd, but I was talking with 'heather' and she mentioned you have been doing IVF".

'Um, yeah'.

"I also heard you were going to be quitting to do foster care because it didn't work".

'right again'.

"Well, like I said, this is kinda wierd but when 'heather' told me this I decided to come and talk to you. My husband and I did IVF 3 times and it failed each time. All were fresh cycles because even though I had good results from stims and plenty of eggs, they were only able to get 2-3 good embies and the rest all stalled. The last cycle was in June. The doctor couldn't tell us what had happened, it just didn't work.
Since I am 34 and we've been trying 6 years, we decided to move on and adopt. We found and agency and started our paperwork. Last month, I found out I was pregnant. I'm 3 months".

'Wow. Congratulations. That's amazing'.

"Thanks. I just thought maybe if it happened for us it could happen for you. I think it's great you're going to do foster care, but I really hope you get a surprise like I did. You just never know."

And she's out the door.
I guess you just never know.


~ Oh, forgot to mention she is not pretty (in my evil opinion)
defiling the aforementioned comment of the day ~
~ Still don't know her name or what she does here ~
~ Maybe she was a figment of my imagination ~
~ Should I be using 'women' instead of 'girls'? Sounds old. Ladies sounds too formal ~

GAME ON!!!!

********************UPDATED INFO!!!!!!!*******************

Like my Wayne's World reference??
Anyhoo, the Secret Santa is on.
Here's how it's gonna work:

If you want to participate, e-mail your blog name, real name, e-mail address, and home address to ugot2bekidding@gmail.com by 10-31. Nixter will keep track and write down the names and draw from a hat. She'll send out e-mails telling everyone who they've got, and that persons information. See her blog at this page for details~

Now, I realize many of us are pretty freakin broke from doing all of our treatments. Some of us pay out of pocket, others miss work, and there are numerous financial hardships. I don't want this to stop anyone from participating. The point of this 'game' is to create a diversion and spread some fun. It can be cheap as you want it to be. Even a card with well wishing in it, something hand made, scrapbook page, something knitted (since I see so many people are doing this), whatever! It is not meant to be stressful like the rest of the Christmas purchases, so I hope all who participate are able to take it with a grain of salt. And if you want, you can donate to a charity in your persons name and just send a card, or get something for a foster angel. Be as creative as you want~

I'm hoping we get a lot of people involved as it's a case of the more the merrier! Feel free to post the idea on your blog to get your own 'following' involved as not everyone reads every blog. Here's to an early Merry Christmas!!

Christmas is Coming!!!

OK. I know, I know. It's only October. There's Halloween and Thanksgiving before Christmas (here in the states as there are many IF bloggers far far away). But lately I have been thinking a lot about Christmas.
There are several reasons. 1) we are scheduled to close on the new house 12-7, and I am constantly thinking of all the decorating I will need to complete before Christmas. 2) Hubby and I are meeting up with his SIL (SIL, Millicent, currently in Ireland. Read blog for details and a laugh - she's very witty and can throw a sentence together fairly nicely) and her hubby and his sister and Dad and step-mom next month in Portland. SIL has been far far away for awhile now and missed last Christmas. Won't be here this December either. So it's like we're celebrating a bit early this year. 3) the sad sad thoughts of not giving everyone the present I wanted to. No need to elaborate as #3 has been 'done' to death. 4) refocusing on something other then #3. 5) reading wzgirl post about secret pals sending things and thinking how much fun that would be. 6) I'm looking for anything to think about that's happy so I don't find myself a big poop all the time.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....................................
Here's my thought ~ Wouldn't it be fun to start a little secret santa club among the IFers?? I know it sounds oh so silly, and probably a bit impractical since half of us don't even use our real names, but come on! There are many times I feel I know the usual suspects better then some of my own friends. It's a strange little relationship we've all come to form, but one of the most supportive I could ever have asked for. And everybody loves presents (0:
Just a thought. Not a plan, a thought that I'm putting out there for kicks. If there's interest then maybe we can brainstorm the details??? I think it could be interesting and keep our minds on other things even if it's only for a moment...............

What I Do

I have thus far not posted just about my job. I reference it, but mostly in my comments on other blogs.
I work for Child Protective Services. I am a case manager. There are two parts to this system. The first is the Investigative workers. They respond to the calls that come into the District office reporting any kind of abuse of children. They go to the child, evaluate the situation, and make the decision (after staffing with many people unless the child is in imminent danger) on whether to remove a child from their home. Then the child is placed with a foster parent or in a shelter (which is usually a house with 2-3 staff members and chidren of the same age), or with a family friend or relative. Then paperwork is filed with the court and the Judge decides if the child will become a ward of the Court.
After all this, the case comes to the ongoing worker, which is me. I am responsible to meet with the parents, the children, the care providers, etc. I set up services for the parents to participate in, such as psychological evaluation, counseling, parenting skills, supervised visits, mental health assessments, drug testing, drug dependency evaluation. I also set up services for the children. I meet with the kids once per month in their homes to make sure all their needs are met and that they are doing ok in their placements. I go to Court and report how the case is progressing, usually ending up filing to have the parental rights terminated.
Many of our cases are related to drug use. Meth. Parents using leads to neglect of the child and poor decision making. I have 2 sex abuse cases and 1 physical abuse. I have 34 kids on my caseload right now.
Most of my cases are the 'hard' ones because I have a high threshold. I am able to tolerate the cases my co-workers cannot. I do not stress out often, and use humor to cope with most things. Many of my cases go on for 2+ years because it takes a long time to change a plan to severance, then go to trial, then win. I get a lot of satisfaction from terminating parental rights and am usually not remorseful. Most of the parents I work with are really messed-up and their children deserve better. And my children have almost all ended-up in amazing adoptive homes.

I am good at my job.

And it drives me insane. Going through IF and watching these whack jobs have child after child is extremely frustrating.
I have a case right now that I have had for 4 years. It started off with Cee being the child on my case. She was 16 and pregnant and in detention. She tried to miscarry by throwing herself against a sink and refusing to eat. I took her baby when she was born and placed her in her current adoptive home. She is now 3 and very very happy.
Cee got pregnant again. She told me she was not pregnant, she had a tumor. She did not come clean until she was 8 months along. She knew we would be removing the child, so she went to another town to have the baby, then hid him out for 3 weeks - even after the Judge ordered her to turn him over. And to backtrack, baby1's father is a methhead, #2's father was in detention for selling meth at 16.
Then comes #3. She was born in June. She tried to convince us the child was 4 months premature so that the time would match up for #3 to have the same father as #2. Paternity testing ended that game and #3's father is John Doe. Cee just informed me she is pregnant with #4. She turned 20 in September. I knew she was going to do this because she would have to get pregnant again to keep dad#2 around since child #3 was not his.
We are working on returning her children, slowly. She is living with father#2 and working and they have an apartment. She has made some positive changes. She will always lie and make stupid choices, but at the end of the day the SYSTEM only requires a parent present no safety risk for their child and an ability to minimally parent.

So there's a taste of my life and why I often take breaks to surf the blogosphere.

Stick it, Swallow it, Loose it

Now that I'm switching to a homeopathic mindset, I am curious what all you other bloggers know. What I mean is, I would like to know what you have tried, what has been helpful, what the Dr.s have told you, what you've read, etc.
I'll start.
* I was taking Fertility Blend for about 6 months. When I was 'interviewing' who would eventually become my new Dr., he told me he does not recommend it because it can throw your hormones out of whack. His thought was that the herbs in the FB are meant to raise your levels, which can help regulate your period and increase fertility, however, when taken all the time, your hormones may overcompensate or undercompensate.
* I have been taking prenatal pills for years. If anything, it helps my hair and nails grow! I have heard pros and cons about taking an additional folic acid. Can you take too much?
* I have read (and of course heard from a friend who successfully got pg) that acupuncture has been shown to increase fertility. I also heard it was good while doing IVF because it helps you relax. I've always wanted to try it, but it appears to be quite expensive and we were already sinking all our $ into the IVF.
* I have also read weight plays a part in IF. If you are more then 30 pounds overweight, it could contribute to IF. So I am dieting as of yesterday, and hoping to get back into some kinda shape other then round. On the other hand, I find I have some issues with the guidelines of what is a 'normal' weight. I am a curvy girl, with a big ol' butt and matching ta-tas, but I do not consider myself obese. The guideline states that I am obese. Hmmmmm. My obese ass can still get up a mountain in Sedona, and I still get looks at bars, and I can still shop for clothes at any store. ????

So here's where I ask for feedback. I would like to know what you all have heard or tried. I figure from this point on, I really have nothing to loose and may get some interesting suggestions...........

I've been tagged

Baby Blue said it already, that there is this tagging thing going around with words given and responses requested. I have read everyone else's and always find them interesting to see how many variations of thought can revolve around one word. So here's mine:
1. Dive: EXTACY. I love scuba diving. Learned to swim before walking, a total water hog. Swam year round, synchonized swimmer, speed swimming, snorkeling, and then diving. I plan every vacation by first asking 'how's the diving there?'
2. Blue: My pool room at my old house. It had a blue felted pool table (get it, pool room) in it so I sponge painted two of the walls with blue colors. It looked pretty freakin' good!
3. Apple: Cider. We just got back from a 3 day mini holiday. Went to Sedona, Oak Creek, and Jerome. In Oak Creek, there are a bunch of apple orchards and this one road side stop where they sell organic apple cider. It is like a meal in itself. Like drinking an apple.
4. Hot: tub. Stayed at my parent's time share in Sedona and there is a jacuzzi tub in the bathroom. It's more of a jacuzzi then a tub with jets all over and seating for 2. I was in that thing at least twice a day and it was so hot the entire bathroom would steam up. It wasn't a good one unless I was purple when I got out.

So hmmmm. Now I need to play and tag someone else. Let's go with MIL Doris (and Ez but I know Doris does all the posting), and SIL Millicent, and NikkiNix. Your words will be:
1. jewels
2. fizzy
3. corner
4. unicorn

These may be silly words but I wrote whatever came to mind. Keeping it interesting, right?!?


Anyhow, how a pretty good vaca. Of course, Aunt flow packed up ALL of her stuff and came along for the ride, whining and complaining and being a total pain. And I mean total. Cramps like someone ripping the womanhood right out of me.

I commented to hubby that this is insult to injury. I mean, we've gotten the news we're not pregnant, a.g.a.i.n, and now this hellacious period. I have always had pretty nasty ones, but always thought it was ok because it served a purpose. What's the point now when I can't get pregnant??? Jaysus! Just makes it more annoying. Like a daily reminder of hahaha I don't work....... I digress.

So the three of us did our best to have a nice 'romantic' time. We tried and tried to kick AF to the back seat or leave her on the side of the road but she continuously caught up with us over and over again. Hiking? There she is. Romantic dinner? Yep. Looking at amazing art in Jerome? You guessed it. Five days and the bitch still hasn't let up. Starting to piss me off (0:

Obviously I'm doing pretty ok. As long as I don't talk about it out loud with anyone other then hubby. We've been discussing everything from foster care to adoption to decorating the nursery. I confided that I will never really give up the quest, and will still be looking at that calendar every month for awhile, and he didn't say much. I am pretty sure he already knew. As long as we move on I figure I can still hold on just a bit. Just in case~

why my husband needs parenting classes

Preface: friend John met and married Chhoden, who is from Bhuton. She has two sons. Boys lived in Bhuton and moved in with Chhoden and John appx 6 months prior to event. Religion- Buddist, non practicing. No real background in any other religious practices. English was fairly good, but there were many words boys did not understand. At time of following event (April) boys aged 6 & 8.

BBQ at my home with John, Chhoden, boys, hubby, and myself.
Sitting at kitchen counter; boys and I eating, hubby standing on other side. Parents out back sneaking a cigarette. Hubby wearing Arizona State University shirt with picture of Sun Devil, the mascott.

6yo: Uncle, what it that on your shirt

H: It's a Sun Devil

6yo: What's a Sun Devil?

H: It's the mascot of the school your dad and I went to

6yo: What is a mascot

Me: It's like the symbol for a school. Each one has their own and they represent that school in a funny kind of way. Someone dresses up like that symbol for football games and things and does tricks to make people happy.

8yo: Yeah. We have those in Bhuton...........

6yo -still looking perplexed: But what is a Sun Devil

H: Well, you know the anti-christ, right?

Me: Anybody want some more corn on the cob?!?

After H gets the hint and exits kitchen~
6yo: Auntie Stephanie, Uncle is kinda, um, funny.
Me: Yep. You could say that........

The teacups sucked, so I'm not going on any more rides

I've been thinking about what to 'say' next. I have decided the best way to sum up my tornado spinning mind is by categorizing the turbulence.

I am sad knowing I will not look into my own eyes. I will not see myself, or my husband, in a smaller version. I am sad I will not experience the miracle of pregnancy. I am sad I feel that I have disappointed everyone, that my husband will not have his own child, our parents will not have a 'true' grandchild, no niece, no nephew, no biological traces. I am sad I am perpetuating this cycle, as I am also adopted. I am sad because I have to hide my sadness most of the time from everyone, including my husband, because he does not know how to console me.
And I am sad that I have been sad for so long, and know I will continue to be sad for even longer.

I am angry IVF did not work. That I endured all those things associated with it for nothing. I am angry it appears I have rotten eggs. I am angry I will continue to have a period for no reason, and that my periods are terrible. I am angry that my work requires me to deal with undeserving mothers. I am angry my 20 year old client is pregnant with her fourth child when she truly does not deserve even one. I am angry I allowed myself to get my hopes up. I am angry I cannot allow myself to dwell because it could mean a full fledged depression, a place I have been and refuse to visit again. I am angry I have always been the friend, daughter, wife, and social worker helping others and making them happy any way that I could, believing karma would be on my side. I am angry at whatever higher power exists. I am angry I said if I didn't get pregnant I would focus on losing weight. I am angry I have a problem so big I have to find an alternate evil to focus on. I am angry I cannot talk about it outloud, even with my parents and my best friends. I am angry I am crying right now.
I am angry I am unable to have the one thing I have always wanted.

I do not regret trying again after the first IVF failed. I knew failure was possible, but knew I had to try. I do not regret spending the money. I do not regret changing doctors. I do not regret POAS. I do not regret sharing this journey with everyone, including co-workers. I do not regret sending e-mails telling people to leave me/us alone right now.

I am looking forward to being able to move and decorate my new house without having to cater to a pregnancy. I am looking forward to moving on, moving past this perpetual wait IVF puts us in. I am looking forward to not going to the dr, no more shots, ultrasounds, medications, appointments, crappy blood draws, and waiting waiting waiting for phone calls. I am looking forward to taking foster care classes and watching my husband learn about children and parenting. I am looking foward to being able to fly and seeing my sister-in-law in November and giving her a big hug for being so supportive and understanding. I am looking forward to the vacation full of scuba diving we decided to take if this process did not work. I am looking forward to decorating a nursery, having a shower, and having a child in my home. I look forward to quitting my job to be a stay at home parent.

I am grasping at the future, trying desperately to look ahead and not dwell on this too long. I am successful for moments at a time. It is not in my nature to regret things or focus on what cannot be changed. I am controlling. I will now control my new home, foster care, adoption, and having a family one way or another. I am lucky enough to have an 'in' in this area and will have many many CPS workers keeping me in mind for an adoptive placement. I KNOW this area. I am confortable in this role. I feel better knowing I will regain some control.

I thank everyone for their support. I sometimes find myself in awe with this cyber world we meet in. How freeing it is to write anything you want knowing it will be met with understanding and support. How so many people can bond, sympathize, empathize, and bring comfort to one another. It is so difficult, this ride, made even harder trying to convey your feelings to friends who cannot share in your experience, or comprehend the heartache of it all. They do not understand the struggle. The frustration. The anguish. The disappointment. They want to and they try, but it is impossible. And how amazing is it to find a new set of friends for this purpose alone. That I am able to have this outlet is a blessing in and of itself, so I thank each of you for checking in on me, and for continuing your own journeys and posts to give me some hope, a laugh, a cry, and something to do when I can't think about myself anymore~
And most of all, I am amazed at how wonderful my husband is and how much I love him. Even though he still drives me crazy and has the ability to annoy the shit out of me, we are now closer then ever.

negative

It's over.

Cross EVERYTHING

For those of you checking every hour, on the hour (you know who you are) I will get results between 3 and 5 this afternoon. Hubby and I agreed to be home during this time just in case it's bad news. Soooooooo......... for those we know, if it's good news we'll be calling tonight. If not, I'm not sure. We'll see how we're doing and go from there. We may update the blog and make the personal calls later to pass along the disappointing news.
Keep your fingers and toes crossed. I know I did while they were doing the blood draw, which BTW took 2 tries. Some things never change.

TAG - I'm it

I've been 'tagged' by my MIL. Ordinarily, this would take some time. But as time seems to be ticking at a ridiculously slow pace, and I hear every tock of the clock, I'll tackle the challenge now!

I am. . .. in an eternal wait. Waiting for test results, waiting to see what my family future holds. Either a newborn of my own, or foster/adopt classes, a diving vacation, and adoption.

I want. ...my job to someday become obsolete. No more hurt children and stupid parents continuing to procreate without abandon.

I wish. . ... that my phone would stop ringing. Right now, at this very moment, an old friend is calling. again. Hadn't spoken to him in years, then he calls out of the blue and all he wants to talk about is his upcoming divorce. Oh, and that he misses me, his bestest friend. oy.

I hate. .... stupid people. seriously. Ignorance, not just uneducated. I work with a lot of these and now have very little tolerance.

I miss. .... partying with my friends. The girls used to go out dancing and get drunk and silly and smoke a bunch of cigarettes and be miserable together in the AM after coming home wasted and stopping by the Taco Bell. Now my two best friends have babies, my cousin lives in another state, SIL lives in another state, and only other person I could go with is not a good drunk.

I hear. .... my dog whining. I think it's adorable most times. It's like he's trying to talk to me. Usually accompanied by the CUTEST lovey face he can muster.

I wonder. . ... if I've made the right choices. All of them. I have issues in this area. I also wonder how the opposite choice would have impacted my life and where I am now.

I regret. . ... that I am often lazy. Many an opportunity may not have passed by if I'd just gotten off my ass. I also feel I should be more proactive to do the things I want to do. Like skydiving.

I am not. .... as put together as I like to think. My past has left me with a lot of scars, most I have become quite professional at camouflaging. Some of these cause me to judge too quickly, and have contributed to my cynical, and sometimes offending, sense of humor.

I dance. ... whenever there's music. Unless it's country. That's a no can do! I love to dance.

I sing. . .. all the time! Mostly in my car. I have done musical theatre and love the stage, but put me in front of only a couple people and I really get nervous. I freeze when I know people are looking at me. On stage, you can't really see anything.....

I cry. . .. Whenever I see someone else crying. It's like yawning for me. Once I see someone else do it I just start tearing up. I also cry when I can't make things better for the kids I work with.

I am not always. ... comfortable in my own skin. Many times I feel like the fat girl, especially on vacations. I love being in the water and scuba diving, so I don't let this insecurity get the best of me, but it is very hard mentally.

I make. .... cakes. Took cake decorating classes and learned how to make all kinds of pretty flowers. Not so excited on the baking part, but I can whip out a serious rose like nobody's business!

I write. ... whatever comes to mind. most of the time. It's therapeutic.......

I confuse. . .. my husband. I can be very emotional and flip like a switch on the poor man. Especially now while we go through this IVF. I change my mind by the minute on how I'm feeling and what I want to do next.

I need. . .. something to happen. I have been in a rut for awhile. Especially with IVF. I just need something to change. Hoping for good news when I take my test, but even if it's not I am looking forward to at least knowing and moving forward.

I should. . .. be less controlling. Or always feeling like I should have control of situations when I don't and then getting so upset when things don't go the way I want them to.

I start. . .. mentally decorating everything. other people's home, my new home.... everything.

I finish. . ... watching bad movies. I figure I've already invested a certain amount of time finding out it stinks, so I may as well keep watching and see if there is any redeeming qualities.

So there's my list. Nothing extraordinary, but it took me an entire 30 minutes to complete and I didn't hear a tock once. OK, once when hubby reminded me Amazing Race is starting. So I put it on and multi tasked the list!!!

I now pass the list torch on to Subi and NikkiNix and wzgirl and hopeful mother. Looking forward to seeing what you all have to say!!

Why don't I ever listen?

pregnancy test = $10.99
waiting til AM to take it = difficult
POAS without missing = pretty easy
look on my DH face when I told him it was negative = horrid
sinking feeling in my own stomach = $15,000

I fully realize these tests are not accurate this early in the game, but I was compelled to try it anyway. JUST ONCE I thought it would be fun to POAS when it could possibly be positive. When there was an actual chance and not just wishfull thinking after being 2 days late for AF.
Oh well.
Now I just have to wait until tomorrow for the blood test like everybody else.
Damn.

I admitted to dh this morning that this IVF has felt different from the last. I have been holding back because I didn't want to get either of our hopes up, but the truth is, a great deal of the time I think it worked. I had the 'pangs' associated with embie implantation. My boobs hurt, I'm tired, I'm gassy (which for me is huge since I'm one of those wierdos who rarely farts; but I can burp better then many men), I craved cheese (I don't eat dairy), I get hungry then grossed out by food, and I just feel, well, different.
And I don't think it's psychological because last time was the opposite. I just KNEW it hadn't worked and told dh that a few days before the test. The biggest devastation was not the negative test, but the news none of the other embies survived and it was a one shot deal.

This is why I am stressed out this time. Because part of me thinks it really may have happened, and the other part thinks I'm setting myself up for major disappointment by entertaining the idea of success.
This is SO why they do not want us POAS!
Again, oh well.

We'll see what we see tomorrow.
And thanks for the support after my last post. I really appreciated it. REALLY.

UPDATE~~~
I have been skillfully avoiding anything that resembles actual work ALL DAY. Instead, I have been surfing the blogosphere like an addict, hoping for those posts to satisfy my need for a fix. I don't care if it's good news, bad news, ranting and raving, talking about pets, whatever. It's a distraction. Some of you may notice I post comments about everything. I apologize in advance if these seems needy and annoying. I'm compelled. Concentrating on someone else's 'stuff', even for just the minute it takes to read and respond, is therapeutic for me. I am a true social worker. I can help any other person through any other problem, as long as I am not personally involved or invested!
I am feeling better after spending these last few hours reading other's thoughts. Going to see a movie this afternoon in attempt to further enmesh in another time and place, so as not to focus on my current woes and worries.
To add to the concern, I started to spot a little this afternoon. That, of course, gives me pause. While trying to maintain my 'you never know' attitude, I cannot help but to find myself continuing to doubt this IVF will be successful. I do not regret trying again and I know we have other plans should this fail. But I will be so so sad. I think being sad now is my self preservation for the bigger bomb that may drop on Monday.
Anyway, I hope everyone has a good weekend and that when I surf again there is good news out there!!!

*********************************************************************************

I am officially depressed. Last night I just went to bed at 9:00, missing ER. I have rarely missed a show since it's debut, much less choosing not to watch. I will admit that there was no way in hell I was going to miss Grey's Anatomy and I stayed up for that~
Now I'm at work. This entire week has been difficult and I find myself unable to concentrate on anything. This is not good. My job does not stop for anything. It actually seems to be more stressful and demanding when I am at my lowest and feel I have nothing left to contribute. Most times I use work as an escape, throwing myself into solving the problems of my abused kids and their parents. When at home, I clean like a madwoman as a way of avoidance of any bad feelings. Neither of these are working.
My head is in a daze. I want to cry all the time. Hubby is upset because he doesn't know what to do with me. I don't know what to do with me. The more I try not to think about this being the end of the road, the more I focus on it. Now I'm full on depressed.
What a crappy post. I honestly find myself typing because I am hoping that if maybe I write it down it will somehow dissipate or lessen or something. I don't expect any responses; particularly because (as in many cases) there is no appropriate reply. I know things will be ok, and I know this is a phase, and I know I know I know.......but here I am just the same.

blah

I am officially losing my mind. Not that it was all there to start with, but now I think I'm at 1/4 capacity at best.
For the last 5 days or so, I have had these cramps and twangs, and you know where. My back was sore all day, but I figured out that I probably slept wrong since it was gone the next morning. At first I was convinced it was AF about to show up, but then I realized it's a bit early for that. But then I remembered this process jacks up your system so who knows what's coming next. Yesterday AM I was convinced we were finished. The news from the dr was not unexpected, but bad none the less. After some serious denial that I was ok with it (I think my last post even said I was), I kinda lost it in the PM. Nothing like trying not to cry at work.........

Since I couldn't concentrate on the bajillion things I needed to be doing at work, I decided to comfort myself by surfing the IF blogs. And as I was not in a happy place, I started looking specifically for happy tales of successful IVF.
I happened upon a blog by Motel Manager, who is currently attempting to survive pregnancy. I scrolled down to find the entry in which she reports she is pregnant, hoping it would give me a much needed lift.
Instead I found a list of NO's. She was reciting all of the symptoms she was NOT experiencing, leading her to believe she was not pregnant (this obviously before finding out she was indeed knocked up).
I was astounded and freaked out to note that she commented she did not have sore boobs, highlighter pee, cramping, gas, and fatigue. The shock came because I did not realize this was a list of things you SHOULD have. I assumed the cramping meant the embies were working their way out. I have all of these things!!!

So now what. Do I allow myself to hope again or keep on my negativity train to ensure my safety when it pulls into the 'sorry' station.
I told hubby about it last night and he got upset with me. Said that this going back and forth was getting his hopes up, too. Well Ex-ka-use me!! So sorry you might have to feel something along the way, jackass!! Hmm. They can be so annoying sometimes.....

And here I sit at work, again unable to concentrate on ANYTHING but the what if's. I am officially sick of this entire process. It is physically and mentally a pain in my ass!!
OK. Now I'm done. Guess I just needed to vent and this blog seems like the only place these days to really do it where someone may comprehend what I'm really saying. Thanks ladies!!!

Just found out all my eggs are in one basket. again. The other six did not progress and were not viable to freeze. So this is definitely it. IT. It's scary to know that in five days my journey will be decided. We will either be pregnant and then worrying about everything that entails, or not, and being sad about what that entails. I admit it's almost a relief to be so cut and dry. Many of us just want SOMETHING to happen. IF treatments put us all on a holding pattern of waiting. Like the longest damn line at Disneyland..... but you stand there in the heat, waiting, just hoping the ride lives up to expectation. I'm getting on the teacups in five days~

On a funny note, I dreamt last night that Vince Vaughn and I were having two girls and a boy. Don't ask me why Vince. I mean, he makes me laugh and laugh (shared sarcasmic sense), but other then that he's not my usual dream date. It was wierd. I was totally tired this morning like the dream made my brain work too hard and I didn't get any rest. I also dreamt I was with my cousing, Kim, and we were going camping. But it was really late at night and we were fighting because she wanted to leave then and I wanted to wait until the morning. Then my husband told us both we were stupid because what good is camping when you're pregnant and not allowed to go hiking, anyway?? That's about when Vince showed up and he had a HUGE RV so I could still go camping but be uber comfy.
I do note the realities: my in-laws are currently RVing across the country in a beautiful home on wheels, my hubby and I are going to Sedona next weekend (and always go hiking), and there were three embies implanted. Maybe the dreams were a hodge podge of mental junk. Who knows.

Anyway, hope everyone is well. Not sure how much more I'll have to write about before Monday, but you never know. I haven't commented much on my work and there's a well of stories waiting to be told there..................

Random thoughts, and I do mean random

A few things have been brought to my attention while (spending time at work procrastinating my 3 page to do list and instead) reading other blogs. Here they are in no particular order:

Husbands are retarded.
Now each chicky-poo going through IVF and blogging about their experiences, has referenced at least one issue with their dh. These range from coddling us like we are glass tetering on a ledge, hiding things from us, no regards for bruised asses and continued injections, 'sparing' our feelings - AKA being full of shit or all out lying, an inability to read our minds, and attempting to problem solve the forces of nature.
Do I have a solution. HELL no.

IF is depressing.
I don't care if you have a good day or a bad day, this crap is depressing. Fighting with mother nature is like nailing jello to a tree, but here we all are with hammers in hand. Not to mention the oodles of drugs we pump into our bodies. I, for one, am the first to admit that I am skillfully niave when it comes to what I'm swallowing, injecting, or shoving up my hoo hoo. At the end of the day, I don't care, as long as it works. But there are moments when I pause and wonder what these foreign triggers are doing and how are they effecting me? But I wander from the point.
The point is, we have no control and that is depressing. Most have commented about someone they know having a child while they struggle. It is depressing trying not to think evil thoughts about someone who has what you want. It is depressing to have PMS and cramps and think 'why if the goods are broken?'. It's depressing to know you can only talk to your friends so much so you blog about this shit!!

This shit is expensive.
And I don't mean just financially. This process, from start to finish, costs us emotionally. Our lives feel on hold. Our friendships, family, work; everything gets put on lay-away while we keep hammering the jello.

Most of us would do it again and again.
The drive to have your 'own' child is so stong that with all of the tolls this process takes, most of us would do it over and over again just for that chance it could work. Brooke Shield did IVF something like 8 times before it worked. Now she is not the norm because A: she's loaded and B: she's got nothing else to do (her career isn't exactly on the fast track anymore). But the point is many of us suffer from unexplained infertility. So the failed results are also unexplainable. Which means they could maybe work. We changed clinics for round #2 thinking that would change the outcome. PALEEZ. But it's all in our minds........

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
For some, the light is what the baby sees at the end of the birth canal when they are welcomed into the word by two loving and broke parents. For others, the light dings after we've run out of nails and our arms are sore from hammering and we find another way. You know, hoping maybe a baby will just FALL out of the tree we've been whacking on all this time. As with everything, there is always a resolution. For many of us, it is not at all what we wanted and hoped for. That negative test, depleated bank account, and drained emotions. But life will always move on.

As a social worker, I see children adopted and go on to lead wonderful lives. Over the past year, I have had to work on getting over myself and my desire to look at a baby and see myself. Now I think about looking at a baby and seeing them make my 'shut the fuck up' face. My mannerisms. My sarcasm. Maybe that 9 months of getting fat and a painful birth is not all that it's cracked up to be just to see myself in a little version. With my luck, the kid would look like my husband, anyway (hahaha).
None of us know and we change our minds every day. We're women. That's what we do.

So here's to all you other hammering women, hoping your jello was made with 1/4 the instructed amount of water so that the nail will stick through to the tree~

Let me reintroduce myself

Hello. My name is paranoia. I am sensitive to every twinge, pang, cramp, sneeze, cough, crap, and fart. Every bodily function leads me to believe the three little embies have left their nest. Sneezed - there they go. That pushed them out. Coughed - bye bye. Big long pee - they're riding the yellow river out out and away.

This sucks. I can't stop thinking and dwelling on it. Everything seems like an omen. Went out to lunch yesterday. First time leaving the apt in 2 days. Got a shirley temple. Yes, waitress, I am eight. Came with three cherries. THREE. Place has peanuts. My first had THREE in it. Can I over dramatize any more? Probably.
Anyway, thought I would update I'm in the 10 day wait and dying. Hmph. Back to over thinking and finishing the laundry I've put off forever.......

No News WAS Great News!!!

holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit. Oh yea, did I say holy shit????

We heard NOTHING until we got to the clinic. Then there was no one there in the outpatient center. We were sitting and waiting for about 20 minutes before I got up and went into the main office and explained to the receptionist I needed to talk with the dr ASAP. I mean, this is my freakin future and I'm about to freak out completely if I don't get some kind of answer!!! So she gets the nurse who tells us we're an hour early. I told her this is the time the embryologist said to be there and she said he messed up. I told her it was probably because I needed to get the valium to take one hour prior.
So she goes to get the drugs and the dr so we can see what we're doing. First thing, turns out I took double what I was supposed to for egg retrieval! HAHAHAHA. No wonder I don't remember anything about that entire 1/2 a day!!!
Then the embryologist comes out. First of all, let me say he is Oriental and somewhat difficult to understand. I was straining to comprehend every word because I didn't want to get anything wrong.

He tells us there is one really good egg, and two decent ones they are going to transfer. I almost jumped out of my seat and hugged him. Instead, I started to weep. Not cry, but the continued conversing with tears streaming down my face weeping. He went on to say there are still 6 more embies he is watching. He is moderately hopeful that maybe 2 of them will progress enough to freeze.

Did I say holy shit?

I was in total shock. We both were. I was so prepared to get there and be told none of the embies progressed and we had nothing to work with and the journey was officially over.
I realize that was only half the battle. Now to see if they stick. Last time we had 2 great embies and neither hung around. But at least there's a chance.
So yesterday and today on couch potatoe assignment. Blah. Just me and the puppy hanging about all day with dear hubby waiting on my ass. Sounds great, right? It's ok. Boring. And add being paranoid that any little move I make could dislodge something.
At the same time, the last go I literally layed on the couch and bed for two days and tried not to move and they STILL didn't stick. So this time I'm not so anal. Plus the dr actually said it's better not to be horozontal, but more just sitting around. I guess every clinic has their own way. I've also read it makes absolutely no difference if you're laying, sitting, or up and about, as long as you're not doing anything to jumpy or stressful. Who the hell knows.........

Thank you everyone for all your prayers and good wishes. Something worked! I'm truly extatic to be at this point. Even if it doesn't work, at least I had a chance. All those belly shots and pills and gina jamming sessions and crappy blood draws and bruises and appointments and retrieval were worth something. I think all IVFers worry about every stage of the game. From follicle counts, to retrieval, to embryo count and quality, to transfer, to the test, to the first trimester.... it's just so hard sometimes. It really does make me feel better to read other people's blogs and see that we're all thinking and thinking and thinking.

Better get back to the lazy boy. Woo hoo. Doesn't it figure the 2 days I have to do nothing but watch tv and movies there is NOTHING ON!!!

Is no news good news or just denial?

We survived the first husband induced shot in the ass. He did very well for being afraid of needles! It was so cute! He seemed so nervous and kept asking "are you ok? ok? ok? you ok?" the entire time he was giving the shot. I survived, too, especially realizing the needle seemed pretty damn big. Boy was that a prick! (that's what she said at the picnic).

I am REALLY REALLY hoping that no news is good news. I haven't heard back from the dr telling me all the embies died or anything. I am a bit naive on how it all works. I know they put them in a dark chamber-like thing, but do they look at them every day to see how they're progressing or just leave them alone until it's time to implant? I am scared shitless I'm going to get to the office tomorrow morning only to be told there's nothing there to work with. So I'm sticking with the no news is good news theory so I can get some sleep tonight.

We also discussed the multiples. I didn't sign the form for selective reduction. What's the point? You go thru all this crap and then get rid of a few because it's not what YOU had in mind? Granted, there are some 'outs' to this argument, but generally speaking, I don't think many IVFers would sign this form. We decided that we will sign it if it means they are able to put all the eggs in my basket. If the eggs are somehow deformed, as the dr reported, but miraculously are able to suvive and multiply, I am concerned they may not survive the freezing and thawing process. Wouldn't it be a waste to risk that when they could just toss em' all in me?? We also agree we don't want to go thru this again, even if it is just the thaw and stick part. It's really exhausting emotionally, not to mention financially, when it continues to fail. I am losing my hold on hope.

Guess we'll see what happens tomorrow. Have to be there at 10:15 and I ASSUME they would call if there's no need to come in. Unless they deliver bad news in person. Shit. I just thought of that one. Oh well. At least they have valium there. I can be barren AND stoned!

SOOB, WTF, FU, KMA

The office called and reported out of the 18 eggs retrieved, 10 were mature enough for fertilization. Yeay, right? Nope. Dr. went on to say that all of the eggs had 'defective' outer layers, which makes the prognosis poor for continued development. Son of a bitch. Are you serious? All this for nothing??? AGAIN?!? WTF!!! How do you achieve such great stimulation to end up with THIS bullshit?

If you can't already tell, I'm pretty pissed. I'm sad, and upset, and depressed, but mostly just PISSED.

He commented that we'll have to wait and see, so I suppose there is still hope. Said that some great embies fizzle out while not so great end-up working.

Trying not to give up just yet, but somehow giving up feels easier. Thinking that if this doesn't work then at least I'll get to quit work sooner. The plan is to do foster/adopt. If I got pg, I'd wait the 9 months to quit. If not, we would start foster care classes and be ready to move forward in 6 months. That's three months less of my stupid job. We'd also go on a dive trip somewhere. Woo freakin hoo. Hard to get excited about all that yet when my hopes have just been crapped upon by some guy over the phone.

So whomever it is you rely on as your higher power, ask that she cut me some slack just this once.

Now we wait - we're good at this

First, thanks to all the well wishers. Yesterday was the big day, well, one of them. Here's all I know thus far:

18 eggs retrieved. The bigger follicles turned out to be filled with fluid and no eggs. BIG bummer, but focusing on the wonderful 18.
Felt ok afterwords. STILL haven't seen the damn dr. They put me under before he got there and woke me up when he was gone. Strange.
As the evening went on, I started feeling worse. A heavy feeling in the processed area. Hurt to sit down so I mostly just layed down. I also felt bloated, like I needed to push out the world's biggest fart, but nothing. Sat on the crapper for 20 minutes at a time hoping for some relief, but nada. TMI, I know. Oh well. Too late now if you're on to this part (0:

This AM feeling a little better, but still that bloated feeling. I'm waiting it out before calling the dr. to see if it's normal. I am a paranoid woman. Called in sick to work today. Who needs the stress of my job right at this moment? The junkies and abusers can - and will - have to wait until tomorrow to yell at me. In case I forgot to mention it, I work for Child Protective Services. I may have commented on it before but I cannot remember each word of every blog! It is not a job for the faint of heart, but I am pretty good at it. Aside from being paranoid, I am also not prone to stressing out. Well, about most things~

So now the wait for the phone call. The one of two scary calls- this one to tell me how many eggs are now embryos. The second scary call is the one telling you if your blood test was good or not. I realize I, and we, have no control over these things, but it's very hard not to feel responsible. When the male has no real issues, then it all seems to rest on your shoulders. How many eggs, if they stick. These are all things going on in OUR bodies so we can't help to feel some nagging responsibility for both failure and success. Now that I stress about. I think we all do.

Last time we implanted 2 embryos. This time, I think I want to request 3. I'm not sure why, I just do. Here's a funny/scary thought. Twins run in my husband's family. Theoretically, any embryo could split and become twins. So if we implant 3, and they all split, holy moly!!! That would be bad. Very very very bad. I don't think we could agree on that many names.

It's Time to Lay Some Eggs

I never know if what the people at the office say is really true. When you hear "Oh, WOW! Things are looking really really good", you're not sure if that's the standard line of if things really are looking really really good. Like the sales girl telling me I look great in those $100 jeans when I know full well my cheeks look like canned hams hoping to be released for dinner. It's frustrating for a person, like myself, who wants the truth, even if it is not the best news. At least that would help prepare for the worst while hoping for the best.....

That's what they said at my appointment yesterday. Things are looking really really good. I have 20 follies ranging from 20-24, and a few more ranging from 15-19. Sounds pretty effin good to me, but now's the time the self-preserving doubt mode kicks in. No one likes to be disappointed. Least of all when you've already experienced this specific disappointment before.

The hope creeps in and the hope creeps out; the hope creeps in and shakes your heart about. You do the IVF and it turns your world around; That's what it's all about!

Took my trigger shot last night at EXACTLY 9:30PM as directed. Was hoping to skip the Ganirelix shot but no such luck. Also still taking the antibiotic, which I have come to realize makes me nauseous no matter how or when I take it. With food, without, water, soda- you get the picture. Blechhh.....

Egg retrieval is tomorrow at 7:AM. I get to pop a valium tonight before bed, then another 30 minutes before scheduled procedure time. That should help calm my jittery nerves. Hubby proposed we split them. No freakin way. There are few perks to this process and this sounds like one of them, so I am definitely. not. sharing.

On a completely different note, we visited our old house today. We sold it about a month ago and I was friendly with the new owner. We moved to an apartment literally 4 blocks away, so I told her if she needed anything to let us know. We went over to show her how to backwash the pool, operate the sprinkler timer, what plants were what, etc.
I was worried it would be sad to see our old house. I have a tendency to have problems letting things go. This was not one of those occasions.
The first thing to hit us was the smell. Cigarettes, dog, moth balls, and wierd storage smell. She's smoking in my house!!! EEEEWWWWW!
I had never realized how much our senses contribute to our daily existence. That a funky smell could wipe away and trace of the bond I had with my house! It's not MY house anymore, it's HER stinky house. It looks the same. She hasn't painted anything. But it's just so different. I was glad because I realized I was able to let go of some things ~ they just have to be stinky (0:

I'll update after the surgery, probably Sunday. I am SO going to milk every moment from now until then. I figure with all I have to deal with, my hubby can suck up waiting on my ass. After all, I am a princess!