Wednesday, October 25, 2006

It just never ends

Man oh Man. Just when you think you're more or less past something, it reaches out and grabs you by the balls and gives you a good twist.
I have this dual personality. In many ways, I'm an onward and upward type of person. When life gives me lemons, I use them to hit someone. When a door closes, I kick it until it breaks from the frame. Maybe not such good references since I am soundling like a violent chic, but you get the point. I don't linger. I had to learn this trick over many years of personal struggles. If I let myself, I will get lost in my own head. Sometimes for days at a time I wouldn't sleep or eat. Total depression. Suicidal, the works. Can't be doing that....
I also have difficulty letting go. Used to stay friends with every ex-boyfriend. Look up old high school people just to see what they're doing. Think about what I could have done differently and what that alternate choice would have meant. Cumpulsive second guesser.
I have been trying to keep busy looking forward to foster care and adoption. Thinking about other things helps not to dwell on current unhappy events.
Last night, out of nowhere, laying in bed at 11PM, I started bawling. Quietly, but full bodied shaking tearfest. I didn't want hubby to hear and come in. I don't know why, exactly, but partly because I was just in my own moment by myself and wanted to keep it that way.
As much as I try to move on in my head, my heart still aches. I know so much about adoption, and you'd think I would find comfort in this, but I don't. A little, but not much. I know I want to be a mother and that's the only way, but I really really really wanted to get pregnant and have my own baby.
It sounds so silly and selfish, but there it is. And I really don't care about what anyone else thinks of that. Counseling 101: you feel what you feel whether it's 'wrong' or 'right'.
I have dreamt the same dream for so long. As a child, playing pretend, I would put a pillow under my shirt and be the mommy. All other kids were my children. When my friends were pregnant, I imagined it was me. I put myself in their shoes every step of the way. When in the delivery room helping my best friend bring her little girl into the world, I wanted to feel her pain. I cut the ambilicle cord. I held her daughter all night long so my friend could sleep. I don't want to be the godmother, I want to be the mother. I want all of those experiences, even if they are difficult. I want to get swollen ankles. I want to look like I swallowed a beach ball. I want to experience pushing life out. I want to breast feed.
And there's the hole, knowing this is not likely to happen. What do you do with that? I know it will take time. But I am so fucking sick of time. All of IF is time. Waiting, hoping, time ticking by. And every month is marked by a big useless period. Blech.


NikkiNix said...

What the hell! You've left me all lump in throat, deer in headlights... like you've revealed my secret ! Where's the camera, is it in my bedroom - NO!! My car, that's where you hid it. Jeezus woman, we really were separated at birth. Wow. I newed some water.

THanks for being so honest and sharing, I really can say I feel you girl. 101 - oh yeah!

CA Momma said...

I was thinking the same thing at the beginning of your post- I was thinking "are we sisters?" Then I read the rest. I am crying- I know I can never really know how you feel but I was feeling so much the same emotions when I was diagnosed w/ cancer. The knowledge that I would never physically have another child was devistating. You are right- this pain is yours- it is something to be mourned and you should never EVER feel wrong or uncomfortable to mourn a dream- a lifelong dream. I hope I am being clear- we are here to support you-

Bea said...

I laughed about the lemons... and then the rest... I'm just so sorry. I can't imagine. Still hoping I don't have to. It sounds too hard.


Hopeful Mother said...

I have definitely found that I go through all the stages of grief, over and over again, not in any particular order. I guess this is normal, but it sucks.

We are here for you, and feel your pain.

chloe said...

Emotions definately come in waves. Sometimes everythings fine and the next, the pain is unbearable.

I know it's hard.

Carol said...

Sorry you're having to go through this Steph. Sometimes the emotions creep up on you when you least expect it.

And thanks for commenting on my blog. You definitely guessed right - my mother would definitely threaten to kick her butt...