I've been thinking about what to 'say' next. I have decided the best way to sum up my tornado spinning mind is by categorizing the turbulence.
I am sad knowing I will not look into my own eyes. I will not see myself, or my husband, in a smaller version. I am sad I will not experience the miracle of pregnancy. I am sad I feel that I have disappointed everyone, that my husband will not have his own child, our parents will not have a 'true' grandchild, no niece, no nephew, no biological traces. I am sad I am perpetuating this cycle, as I am also adopted. I am sad because I have to hide my sadness most of the time from everyone, including my husband, because he does not know how to console me.
And I am sad that I have been sad for so long, and know I will continue to be sad for even longer.
I am angry IVF did not work. That I endured all those things associated with it for nothing. I am angry it appears I have rotten eggs. I am angry I will continue to have a period for no reason, and that my periods are terrible. I am angry that my work requires me to deal with undeserving mothers. I am angry my 20 year old client is pregnant with her fourth child when she truly does not deserve even one. I am angry I allowed myself to get my hopes up. I am angry I cannot allow myself to dwell because it could mean a full fledged depression, a place I have been and refuse to visit again. I am angry I have always been the friend, daughter, wife, and social worker helping others and making them happy any way that I could, believing karma would be on my side. I am angry at whatever higher power exists. I am angry I said if I didn't get pregnant I would focus on losing weight. I am angry I have a problem so big I have to find an alternate evil to focus on. I am angry I cannot talk about it outloud, even with my parents and my best friends. I am angry I am crying right now.
I am angry I am unable to have the one thing I have always wanted.
I do not regret trying again after the first IVF failed. I knew failure was possible, but knew I had to try. I do not regret spending the money. I do not regret changing doctors. I do not regret POAS. I do not regret sharing this journey with everyone, including co-workers. I do not regret sending e-mails telling people to leave me/us alone right now.
I am looking forward to being able to move and decorate my new house without having to cater to a pregnancy. I am looking forward to moving on, moving past this perpetual wait IVF puts us in. I am looking forward to not going to the dr, no more shots, ultrasounds, medications, appointments, crappy blood draws, and waiting waiting waiting for phone calls. I am looking forward to taking foster care classes and watching my husband learn about children and parenting. I am looking foward to being able to fly and seeing my sister-in-law in November and giving her a big hug for being so supportive and understanding. I am looking forward to the vacation full of scuba diving we decided to take if this process did not work. I am looking forward to decorating a nursery, having a shower, and having a child in my home. I look forward to quitting my job to be a stay at home parent.
I am grasping at the future, trying desperately to look ahead and not dwell on this too long. I am successful for moments at a time. It is not in my nature to regret things or focus on what cannot be changed. I am controlling. I will now control my new home, foster care, adoption, and having a family one way or another. I am lucky enough to have an 'in' in this area and will have many many CPS workers keeping me in mind for an adoptive placement. I KNOW this area. I am confortable in this role. I feel better knowing I will regain some control.
I thank everyone for their support. I sometimes find myself in awe with this cyber world we meet in. How freeing it is to write anything you want knowing it will be met with understanding and support. How so many people can bond, sympathize, empathize, and bring comfort to one another. It is so difficult, this ride, made even harder trying to convey your feelings to friends who cannot share in your experience, or comprehend the heartache of it all. They do not understand the struggle. The frustration. The anguish. The disappointment. They want to and they try, but it is impossible. And how amazing is it to find a new set of friends for this purpose alone. That I am able to have this outlet is a blessing in and of itself, so I thank each of you for checking in on me, and for continuing your own journeys and posts to give me some hope, a laugh, a cry, and something to do when I can't think about myself anymore~
And most of all, I am amazed at how wonderful my husband is and how much I love him. Even though he still drives me crazy and has the ability to annoy the shit out of me, we are now closer then ever.