Tuesday, October 03, 2006

The teacups sucked, so I'm not going on any more rides

I've been thinking about what to 'say' next. I have decided the best way to sum up my tornado spinning mind is by categorizing the turbulence.

I am sad knowing I will not look into my own eyes. I will not see myself, or my husband, in a smaller version. I am sad I will not experience the miracle of pregnancy. I am sad I feel that I have disappointed everyone, that my husband will not have his own child, our parents will not have a 'true' grandchild, no niece, no nephew, no biological traces. I am sad I am perpetuating this cycle, as I am also adopted. I am sad because I have to hide my sadness most of the time from everyone, including my husband, because he does not know how to console me.
And I am sad that I have been sad for so long, and know I will continue to be sad for even longer.

I am angry IVF did not work. That I endured all those things associated with it for nothing. I am angry it appears I have rotten eggs. I am angry I will continue to have a period for no reason, and that my periods are terrible. I am angry that my work requires me to deal with undeserving mothers. I am angry my 20 year old client is pregnant with her fourth child when she truly does not deserve even one. I am angry I allowed myself to get my hopes up. I am angry I cannot allow myself to dwell because it could mean a full fledged depression, a place I have been and refuse to visit again. I am angry I have always been the friend, daughter, wife, and social worker helping others and making them happy any way that I could, believing karma would be on my side. I am angry at whatever higher power exists. I am angry I said if I didn't get pregnant I would focus on losing weight. I am angry I have a problem so big I have to find an alternate evil to focus on. I am angry I cannot talk about it outloud, even with my parents and my best friends. I am angry I am crying right now.
I am angry I am unable to have the one thing I have always wanted.

I do not regret trying again after the first IVF failed. I knew failure was possible, but knew I had to try. I do not regret spending the money. I do not regret changing doctors. I do not regret POAS. I do not regret sharing this journey with everyone, including co-workers. I do not regret sending e-mails telling people to leave me/us alone right now.

I am looking forward to being able to move and decorate my new house without having to cater to a pregnancy. I am looking forward to moving on, moving past this perpetual wait IVF puts us in. I am looking forward to not going to the dr, no more shots, ultrasounds, medications, appointments, crappy blood draws, and waiting waiting waiting for phone calls. I am looking forward to taking foster care classes and watching my husband learn about children and parenting. I am looking foward to being able to fly and seeing my sister-in-law in November and giving her a big hug for being so supportive and understanding. I am looking forward to the vacation full of scuba diving we decided to take if this process did not work. I am looking forward to decorating a nursery, having a shower, and having a child in my home. I look forward to quitting my job to be a stay at home parent.

I am grasping at the future, trying desperately to look ahead and not dwell on this too long. I am successful for moments at a time. It is not in my nature to regret things or focus on what cannot be changed. I am controlling. I will now control my new home, foster care, adoption, and having a family one way or another. I am lucky enough to have an 'in' in this area and will have many many CPS workers keeping me in mind for an adoptive placement. I KNOW this area. I am confortable in this role. I feel better knowing I will regain some control.

I thank everyone for their support. I sometimes find myself in awe with this cyber world we meet in. How freeing it is to write anything you want knowing it will be met with understanding and support. How so many people can bond, sympathize, empathize, and bring comfort to one another. It is so difficult, this ride, made even harder trying to convey your feelings to friends who cannot share in your experience, or comprehend the heartache of it all. They do not understand the struggle. The frustration. The anguish. The disappointment. They want to and they try, but it is impossible. And how amazing is it to find a new set of friends for this purpose alone. That I am able to have this outlet is a blessing in and of itself, so I thank each of you for checking in on me, and for continuing your own journeys and posts to give me some hope, a laugh, a cry, and something to do when I can't think about myself anymore~
And most of all, I am amazed at how wonderful my husband is and how much I love him. Even though he still drives me crazy and has the ability to annoy the shit out of me, we are now closer then ever.


Hoping For A Baby said...

Tears are streaming down my face right now. You don't deserve this. I am sad and angry and heartbroken with you.

I'm glad you have your husband. Find comfort in his arms. My husband also has the ability to irritate the crap out of me like no one else. But when all is said and done, he is also the one who makes me feel less broken and comforts me when no one else can.

Sending you a big hug.

Bea said...

That was a beautiful post and it gave me tears, too. I'm so sorry I only just found your blog in the second half of this 2ww. It would have been something to have been there from the start. I'm sure I'll be rewarded watching things from this new beginning.


Baby Blues said...

Oh Steph, that brought tears to my eyes. I felt your words were my words. This is just too frustrating and disappointing. Sometimes I just want to get off this ride as well. I just want to live again and not be debilitated with the wait and trying. I'm glad you're looking forward to a lot of things. You're dealing it with well. Getting off this ride could be liberating. Go ahead. Live your life to the fullest. Life is too short.

Millicent said...

Hmm...crying so hard I don't know what to write. I'm sad, angry and happy for all of those things with you. I can't wait to see you in November (!) and hug and cry some more. BTW - My E-Mom Speaks post was for you...and I'm not blowing sunshine up your ass either.

chloe said...

Amen sister! I feel you.

I too have also been pretty angry for a long time. And with anything, there are good days and then there are bad days. Making it even more difficult is that no one gets it and can support you in the way you need (even our poor husbands who are also experiencing the loss with us).

I hope your journey into foster care/adoption will help (it helps me!). With the work you do, you've probably seen the good (and also the bad) that happens with adoption.

You're right - I'm sitting next to you in this boat rowing for our lives.

PS. Thanks also for the support youve given me at my blog!

sube said...

I'm sad and angry for you, too. None of us deserve this.

But I keep coming back to the positive notes in your post: your husband, your house, your hopes for the future. It's such an inspiration that you're able to remember these things in the middle of your grief. Your strength will get you through this. And on those days you don't feel so strong, we're here for you.

Hopeful Mother said...

Steph, I share your sadness and anger. This is an unbelievably difficult journey, especially when we don't know if and how it will end.

Like you, I am comforted by all the good things in my life. It doesn't take away the pain but it does soften the blow a little bit.

I hope that your exploration of foster care will bring you some hope. This will be our "Plan B" in all likelihood, too, but we haven't decided when Plan B would be instated.

Hugs. We are here for you!

NikkiNix said...

I hadn't read this until the end until now. Wow you are one STRONG woman !! GOD I'm glad I met you! I am all teary eyed again, THANKS ! At work on a Friday and my eyes are red - tee hee...

I reflected a bit before positing htis and realize that I am still stuck in the ... I'm selfish, I want a square-tipped curly headed little tan skinned baby that has quirky ways like me and dh.... that's my little "mini-me" dream. I'm stuck in wanting to control what's mine, as I nelieve that nature plays as big if not more a part than nurture in children's temperament, health and personality.

I am going to be a teacher, I can't help but feel that wiping other people's kid's noses can only be tempered with having my own to come home to ... I need more time. I need at least one more round of IVF becasue I am selfish.

Anonymous said...

I have been reading your blogs but have never responded until now. Preface: Like you, I am adopted. Like you, I have had the joy and sorrow of experiencing infertility. However, unlike you - never have I made a distinction between blood and non-blood children. What is the difference, really? Although I was born and raised in the States, maybe having ancestral ties to the East have given me a different a perspective. A perspective that believes that one cannot call him or herself a parent or a mom or dad just because they have biologically created a human life. And a human life that is biologically generated from two people is not "their's" until they have earned the right to even be considered parents. I am so happy to hear that you are possibly "over it" with the obsession of "my child" "my image" "my blood". What a load of crap? To refer another blogger who said "I nelieve that nature plays as big if not more a part than nurture in children's temperament, health and personality." There is no way in h** that nature plays a bigger role in the development of a child than nurture. In fact, life is 99% nurture. The minute a child is born a blank slate is born (with or without the detection of disease, learning disabilities, etc.). That child will only be in the image of his/her parents - and those parents are not the people who were biologically responsible for the existence but who have committed the rest of their lives to making sure that existence continues and learns to cherish this existence. If I wanted a child to be "just like me" I should have asked my "birth mother" to visit a lab and divide me by two. And even then, there would never be anything "just like me". Sorry for the babble - I'm simply tired of this North American, Western obsession with "blood". It is not thicker than water when it has been plagued with selfishness. It is weaker than the love of a mother, who did experience "pregnancy", but walks miles each day to a well in the midst of the sahara to fetch a clay pot of water to feed to her "child" who awaits at home...a "child" who is hers and only hers because she has taken on the responsibily to love and NURTURE it's existence.

CA Momma said...

Very moving post. I'm crying so hard right now.

Starfish said...

How did I not find your blog before now? I loved this post even though I'm late to the party here...I could have written every single word myself. I have found things do get better with time for the most part...you learn to dwell more on the positives of the situation.