Thursday, September 28, 2006

blah

I am officially losing my mind. Not that it was all there to start with, but now I think I'm at 1/4 capacity at best.
For the last 5 days or so, I have had these cramps and twangs, and you know where. My back was sore all day, but I figured out that I probably slept wrong since it was gone the next morning. At first I was convinced it was AF about to show up, but then I realized it's a bit early for that. But then I remembered this process jacks up your system so who knows what's coming next. Yesterday AM I was convinced we were finished. The news from the dr was not unexpected, but bad none the less. After some serious denial that I was ok with it (I think my last post even said I was), I kinda lost it in the PM. Nothing like trying not to cry at work.........

Since I couldn't concentrate on the bajillion things I needed to be doing at work, I decided to comfort myself by surfing the IF blogs. And as I was not in a happy place, I started looking specifically for happy tales of successful IVF.
I happened upon a blog by Motel Manager, who is currently attempting to survive pregnancy. I scrolled down to find the entry in which she reports she is pregnant, hoping it would give me a much needed lift.
Instead I found a list of NO's. She was reciting all of the symptoms she was NOT experiencing, leading her to believe she was not pregnant (this obviously before finding out she was indeed knocked up).
I was astounded and freaked out to note that she commented she did not have sore boobs, highlighter pee, cramping, gas, and fatigue. The shock came because I did not realize this was a list of things you SHOULD have. I assumed the cramping meant the embies were working their way out. I have all of these things!!!

So now what. Do I allow myself to hope again or keep on my negativity train to ensure my safety when it pulls into the 'sorry' station.
I told hubby about it last night and he got upset with me. Said that this going back and forth was getting his hopes up, too. Well Ex-ka-use me!! So sorry you might have to feel something along the way, jackass!! Hmm. They can be so annoying sometimes.....

And here I sit at work, again unable to concentrate on ANYTHING but the what if's. I am officially sick of this entire process. It is physically and mentally a pain in my ass!!
OK. Now I'm done. Guess I just needed to vent and this blog seems like the only place these days to really do it where someone may comprehend what I'm really saying. Thanks ladies!!!

1 comment:

NikkiNix said...

AMEN girl! I posted a naaaaassstttyyy blog about dh one day - it lasted 3 online for only hours and I removed it because I felt so bad :( This is for sure a good place to vent becasue your captive audience are WILLING participants - ha! I love that :)

BTW - what's this about "highlighter pee" ??? I have that - hmph. I honestly don't think my *one* day 3 transferred embie will last - I'm pretty cynical, and have no money for another round so I totally lost it (I was alone thank God!) when they told me I had only 4 good ones, only 2 fertilized ok and then, only one made it through the night... let's do a day 3 transfer so I don't have to tell you the last living thing you got for $12,000 is also dead !! Shhhhheeeeeeeesh! I'm in denial. That's a fact.

Hang in there girl and VENT-AWAY!
Have you collected a symptoms list, c'mon, post-it - please :)