Random thoughts, and I do mean random

A few things have been brought to my attention while (spending time at work procrastinating my 3 page to do list and instead) reading other blogs. Here they are in no particular order:

Husbands are retarded.
Now each chicky-poo going through IVF and blogging about their experiences, has referenced at least one issue with their dh. These range from coddling us like we are glass tetering on a ledge, hiding things from us, no regards for bruised asses and continued injections, 'sparing' our feelings - AKA being full of shit or all out lying, an inability to read our minds, and attempting to problem solve the forces of nature.
Do I have a solution. HELL no.

IF is depressing.
I don't care if you have a good day or a bad day, this crap is depressing. Fighting with mother nature is like nailing jello to a tree, but here we all are with hammers in hand. Not to mention the oodles of drugs we pump into our bodies. I, for one, am the first to admit that I am skillfully niave when it comes to what I'm swallowing, injecting, or shoving up my hoo hoo. At the end of the day, I don't care, as long as it works. But there are moments when I pause and wonder what these foreign triggers are doing and how are they effecting me? But I wander from the point.
The point is, we have no control and that is depressing. Most have commented about someone they know having a child while they struggle. It is depressing trying not to think evil thoughts about someone who has what you want. It is depressing to have PMS and cramps and think 'why if the goods are broken?'. It's depressing to know you can only talk to your friends so much so you blog about this shit!!

This shit is expensive.
And I don't mean just financially. This process, from start to finish, costs us emotionally. Our lives feel on hold. Our friendships, family, work; everything gets put on lay-away while we keep hammering the jello.

Most of us would do it again and again.
The drive to have your 'own' child is so stong that with all of the tolls this process takes, most of us would do it over and over again just for that chance it could work. Brooke Shield did IVF something like 8 times before it worked. Now she is not the norm because A: she's loaded and B: she's got nothing else to do (her career isn't exactly on the fast track anymore). But the point is many of us suffer from unexplained infertility. So the failed results are also unexplainable. Which means they could maybe work. We changed clinics for round #2 thinking that would change the outcome. PALEEZ. But it's all in our minds........

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
For some, the light is what the baby sees at the end of the birth canal when they are welcomed into the word by two loving and broke parents. For others, the light dings after we've run out of nails and our arms are sore from hammering and we find another way. You know, hoping maybe a baby will just FALL out of the tree we've been whacking on all this time. As with everything, there is always a resolution. For many of us, it is not at all what we wanted and hoped for. That negative test, depleated bank account, and drained emotions. But life will always move on.

As a social worker, I see children adopted and go on to lead wonderful lives. Over the past year, I have had to work on getting over myself and my desire to look at a baby and see myself. Now I think about looking at a baby and seeing them make my 'shut the fuck up' face. My mannerisms. My sarcasm. Maybe that 9 months of getting fat and a painful birth is not all that it's cracked up to be just to see myself in a little version. With my luck, the kid would look like my husband, anyway (hahaha).
None of us know and we change our minds every day. We're women. That's what we do.

So here's to all you other hammering women, hoping your jello was made with 1/4 the instructed amount of water so that the nail will stick through to the tree~