Friday, September 29, 2006

I have been skillfully avoiding anything that resembles actual work ALL DAY. Instead, I have been surfing the blogosphere like an addict, hoping for those posts to satisfy my need for a fix. I don't care if it's good news, bad news, ranting and raving, talking about pets, whatever. It's a distraction. Some of you may notice I post comments about everything. I apologize in advance if these seems needy and annoying. I'm compelled. Concentrating on someone else's 'stuff', even for just the minute it takes to read and respond, is therapeutic for me. I am a true social worker. I can help any other person through any other problem, as long as I am not personally involved or invested!
I am feeling better after spending these last few hours reading other's thoughts. Going to see a movie this afternoon in attempt to further enmesh in another time and place, so as not to focus on my current woes and worries.
To add to the concern, I started to spot a little this afternoon. That, of course, gives me pause. While trying to maintain my 'you never know' attitude, I cannot help but to find myself continuing to doubt this IVF will be successful. I do not regret trying again and I know we have other plans should this fail. But I will be so so sad. I think being sad now is my self preservation for the bigger bomb that may drop on Monday.
Anyway, I hope everyone has a good weekend and that when I surf again there is good news out there!!!


I am officially depressed. Last night I just went to bed at 9:00, missing ER. I have rarely missed a show since it's debut, much less choosing not to watch. I will admit that there was no way in hell I was going to miss Grey's Anatomy and I stayed up for that~
Now I'm at work. This entire week has been difficult and I find myself unable to concentrate on anything. This is not good. My job does not stop for anything. It actually seems to be more stressful and demanding when I am at my lowest and feel I have nothing left to contribute. Most times I use work as an escape, throwing myself into solving the problems of my abused kids and their parents. When at home, I clean like a madwoman as a way of avoidance of any bad feelings. Neither of these are working.
My head is in a daze. I want to cry all the time. Hubby is upset because he doesn't know what to do with me. I don't know what to do with me. The more I try not to think about this being the end of the road, the more I focus on it. Now I'm full on depressed.
What a crappy post. I honestly find myself typing because I am hoping that if maybe I write it down it will somehow dissipate or lessen or something. I don't expect any responses; particularly because (as in many cases) there is no appropriate reply. I know things will be ok, and I know this is a phase, and I know I know I know.......but here I am just the same.


wzgirl said...

Hang in there, you. Its gonna be a long few days til' Monday. XO

Millicent said...

I'm soooo sorry for where you're at right now but, as you pointed out, there's just nothing we can do or say to make it all better. The funk just needs to work itself out. Remember...I'm hear if you ever want to talk, or cry, or bitch, or whatever.

Hopeful Mother said...

We're here for you babe... hope you have a good weekend.

Lisa said...

Hey Steph - Thanks for your comment on my Blog. I've been checking yours out and plan to revisit. We too did an IVF cycle and unfortunately the hormones screwed up my intestines pretty badly (1st post on my Blog if you want some night time reading). So no more IVF for us.
It's damn near impossible not to be pessimistic on this infertility rollercoaster: hypersensitive to every cramp and symptom; negative after negative result...
Anyway, hope you found some good distraction today. I'm thinking of you and hoping this cycle works. Take care.

Hoping For A Baby said...

I spend alot of time trying to distract myself as well. (My house has never been cleaner!) But no matter what I do, I know it's just a temporary distraction and I am always very conscious of the fact that I am trying to get pregnant... TRYING even though other people manage to get pregnant without any effort at all. It's so fucking hard, which is why I hate when people tell me to think positive and be optimistic. What a great idea! Wish I had thought of it! I always feel like snapping back at them, "Uh, don't you think I'd do that if I could?" So all I'll say is that I hope you saw a great movie, I'm still sending you super sticky thoughts, and I'm hoping for great news on Monday.

My Reality said...

2 more days. I am sure the wait is killing you. I hope that you find something to distract you. I will be back to check on you.

Kim said...

Hang in there. I am constantly thinking of you and still praying. I have been avoiding calling because I know there is nothing I can say that will help. I hope you found things to do this weekend besides be depressed. I wish I was there to help with that. I will check back on monday to see what the news is. Miss you tons!!!

sube said...

Sweeite, you and I are in the same place. We'll get through it, though, one way or another. I hope Monday comes quickly for you. I'll be thinking of you.