At least for me. I know that many people read books on IF or adoption for information. I can't do this. My bio-aunt gave me a book on The Adopted Self when we first met. Guess she figured it may help me muddle through meeting the bio family and all the baggage that comes with discovery. I flipped through it, but really didn't read it. No interest.
I think in some ways I social work myself..... meaning I have mental counseling sessions in my own head about things. Not always, but usually I can process things really well, so I don't feel a need for more information. Reading blogs will tell anyone that the bottom line is usually the same, IF sucks, but the roads to that line are all different. I enjoy reading other's thoughts and stuggles and triumphs, but books don't convey the day to day I find in the blogs. I relate with the blog babes. I can't relate to some unknown author.
My husband just came in and started to read what I was typing. I asked him if he read this blog at all and he said "No. I figure it's kinda like your diary or something. Now if there was anything in there that you DIDN't want me to see, I'd be upset because I would hope we could talk about anything". I should count my blessings more often.
In other news, we went to OR last weekend to see the hubby's family. Well, our family. His step-sister lives there, although she and her husband are in Ireland for a few years working and traveling. They rented out their home while away and the renters left a cigarette smoldering. Burned the back 1/2 of the house. It was horrible to see. Of course there's the good news that no one was hurt, none of their belongings were in the home, and much of the home will be salvaged, but man. That's their home! And she put A LOT of work into it over the years. It's a 19th century Victorian in an upcoming neighborhood.
It brought back memories as my parent's home burned down 6 years ago. It was a total loss. It was horrifying to see the home I live in my entire life nothing but smoke and ash. To see my prom dress half melted, stuck to my letterman's jacket. But in the end, it's just stuff. Not everything can be replaced, but it's stuff.
Losing things makes me ponder a lot. I think about how lucky I am to have all the family I have. All the support. All the love. Everyone has been so wonderful about the infertility crap. They just want grandkids, no matter where they come from. They want to see us parents, even if it's not biological. They want us to be happy, and were sad with us when IVF failed again. They supported us emotionally and financially, contributing to the Fertility Fund for IVF #2.
I am looking forward to the holidays more this year than the past few years. It has been a horrible year, with many sad things happening. I am ready for it to be over, but moreover I am ready for a new year to begin. The fork in the road came quickly and we're pushed towards adoption. I can go kicking and screaming or full of hope and excitement. I can't read someone else's thoughts or opinions about it, just have to jump in and go for it myself. Nothing is ever perfect, and most things don't go the way you planned. IF fits into this thought like nothing else.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I plan spending Christmas with all of my family as stronger woman.