Oh where to start this post. Guess we'll cover one thing at a time ~ NOT in any order.

First off, thank you for all the well wished about my other dad. He's doing a-maz-ing right now. AMAZING. He's breathing entirely on his own, which means the collapsed lung is healing itself. Also means the flailing ribs on that side may have re-aligned themselves, otherwise they would still be poking him and making breathing too uncomfortable. His hip surgery went well. His foot/leg/ankle surgery is scheduled for Thursday, which will be big b/c that's the only thing they aren't positive they can fix. There's been talk of possible amputation.......

My correspondance with the GAL continued and she let me know last week the state filed a Change in Physical Custody for the boy to go to his MGM. This was the response to the request for increased visits. Neat, huh.
GAL stated she had concerns and a court hearing is set for Thursday. My mom will come over to sit and I will attend.
If MGM is appropriate, then great. But where's the transition? This is also the GAL's concern. We're asking for increased visitation for at least two weeks before he is placed in her custody.

I went to San Diego over the weekend - Friday night to Sunday - to visit my brother on his ship. He's the Chief Engineer on a Sea Lift Command ship. The thing is HUGE. Anyhoo, it was a test for both the baby and my husband as they have not been left alone together for any major period of time.

The boy was cranky, finiky about eating, and up several times a night. I believe this is a good indicator of the issues he will face when moved to MGM home. He knows my husband, but is dependent upon me for most things. Same with MGM. He reached for her right off the bat at the last visit (made me feel better that he at least appears to recognize her). But that's just play time and you look like you could entertain me. Not all the other stuff. So we'll see.

I was initially heartbroken, having to try and block out the thought of him going because the smallest thing would make me cry. I even had to text my best friend to tell her he would be leaving because I still can't talk about it. After getting the GAL's email about the filing of the CPC, I spent the night crying and having nightmares.
Over the weekend, my mother was telling someone else about the baby and I had to excuse myself.
What makes it more difficult is everyone's reaction that it isn't right for him to go, that he's attached to me, that I'm a great mom to him, that he's such a wonderfull little boy, etc.
I finally told my mom to stop talking about it.

I realize this will be hard on everyone because he IS such a great baby and everyone loves him. But I seriously don't give a shit at the moment. I am still trying to process it in my own head, much less spend any time trying to counsel others about it.

At the same time, I am starting to wonder what will come next. Or who will come next. What will the next child be like? A baby or a 3 year old? Boy or girl? What will their story be? Will it be long-term or just for a little while?
And then I think about how long I will be able to do this. How long can I risk this succession of children in and out of my life? I know it's just been the one, but still. Fostering to adopt is a risky business. I knew this going in. But now that the first crack is ripping through my heart, I'm not so sure I can continue this risk.
But what's the alternative? Now that I've gotten my foot in the door of parenting, could I step back out to go on an adoption waiting list?

I'm tired people. Tired of feeling as though infertilty and this struggle are some strange atonement for all the things I did bad in my life. Tired of feeling like I am always climbing uphill.

Ever have those fleeting dreams about walking away from your life? I'm having them a lot lately. Just disappearing and starting over somewhere completely different. Would the story line be the same?