Sunday, January 13, 2008

I've had some questions 'on the side' from some fellow bloggers. I think it stems from some of my long-ass comments on these blogs, and maybe it's a who the f are you based question, maybe a I hadn't thought of that so how come you did based question. Either way, I figured I may as well throw some of the answers out there for anyone interested.

1. I worked for Child Protective Services in AZ for almost 7 years as a case manager. I have no idea how many families and/or children were on my case load overall, but I can tell you 90% of my cases went to severance (parental rights terminated). Majority of the cases were substance abuse and/or mental health. I only had two physical abuse cases, and a spattering of other issues. I loved a lot of 'my kids' and still keep in touch with some of them through their placements to this day, which I'm not supposed to but don't give a shit, they're MY KIDS.

2. I am adopted. From birth through a private agency. My brother is also adopted.

3. I had an abusive parent. Previously, my mom checked in on my blog from time to time so I could not put anything up about this. Even now I pause over the delete button. I worry someone will read this that speaks with her and say something about it and I don't want to deal with that. It's in the past. So if you are that person, maybe skip #3 and go directly to #4~
It was mostly emotional abuse, but physical as well, by my mother.
At one point in my life, I had to set new boundaries with her. Anyone seen the movie Mommy Dearest? That's my childhood. Took me quite a few tries to get through it - the movie. Anyhoo, I had to make a decision to either let go of what happened and get on with it, or cut her out of my life completely. With some strength of will and a few classes, I was able to re-set our relationship and now she's my biggest supporter. Instead, she treats my father like shit. However, when he complains, I remind him that he picked her. I suffered the same crap and didn't even have the option! He shuts up.

4. I have met my biological parents. Well, kind of. It's a long story for another post as it will take time to plot out in order, but the jist is I met my bio-dad (BD) first. We have nothing in common, but made a go of it none the less. Then I found out bio-mom (BM) and he were still in touch. Met her, she's a wacko. Didn't have anything to say to me. Nothing. We talked about weather and sports. I think I've had more personal discussions with people on the bus.
When infertility issues arose, I requested my one bio-cousin (the only good thing to come out of the maternal side, and she's wonderful) to check in to issues. BM told her not to butt it, that I chose to be on my own, that I should ask BD about such issues, but not before getting DNA testing (this is soooooo paraphrased). Questioned BD, who confirmed he may not be BD after all. Could get DNA testing, but it's expensive. On top of that, say he's not, then what? I have a relationship with his sister and brother and cousins and his son, my half-brother. These aren't close relationships, but they exist and I'm thankful for them.

5. I used to say that I couldn't adopt. There is still this little blackness inside me that feels it's continuing some kind of disease or cycle. I felt so detached as a child, wishing I had a 'real' family. It felt disconnected. To not have those bonds, then adopt myself, somehow felt like stretching things even more. OBVIOUSLY I have gotten past this as we are trying to adopt through foster care, but I'd be lying if I said the feeling didn't pass now and again.

We'll leave it at that for now. I hope that answers the questions (you know who you are), but if not I'm a pretty open book. Part of the purpose of this blog is the hopes I can help someone else. If there are any questions about foster care or adoption or anything, feel free to toss them my way. But beware, I am a bit of a cynic (understatement) and may be opinionated. If you're looking for a specific answer, don't ask as I may not provide what you're looking for. If you want honesty, knock yourself out!

And because it is a pretty good story if I do say so myself - which I obviously do - I will write another post on the how I found the egg and sperm donor (BM & BD).


Yondalla said...

I hope the people asking you didn't make you feel defensive. I do like getting a general picture of the other bloggers, so I want to thank you for this post anyway.

I look forward to more.

grannymar said...

Now I feel I know you better. A very courageous girl, blogging that post can't have been easy, but then fostering is not easy either.

I am proud of you both and the little man.

Hugs Irish Mom.

hope548 said...

Thank you for sharing that with us all! It sounds like you have overcome quite a bit and come out stronger for it.

Mary said...

Other than finding your bios, we have a great deal in common! Thanks for the post.

My Reality said...

Adopting as an adoptee is a unique situation. I know many of the feelings etc. you have written about relate to me as well. I had the "ideal" childhood, but I still felt it.

Just a thought - if there are people who you don't want reading, maybe it is time for some new digs or a password.

Bea said...

What a life story! It does say a lot about where you're coming from with family and family-building issues.


liveurlife said...

I just found your blogg via yondalla. We are waiting for our first foster placement. Thank you for sharing your story.

Amanda said...

You really do bring quite a unique perspective to all of the issues I'm currently struggling with. I am *so* glad I found your blog. Or you found mine... whatever.

lauren said...

You're a trooper! And the best part is that, through it all, you always find ways to laugh. That's one of your best qualities, for sure!

OHN said...

Isn't it funny that we can chronicle our crappy and unusual histories and then read them and think "how in the hell did I turn out ok?" We are a resilient bunch aren't we?!