she's here!

I am sooooo far behind, so here's the short version.

Alize moved in on Thursday, 7-2. Hubby was off that Friday so it seemed like a good plan to have three days with him home for the long nights we were preparing ourselves for. We'd been having her over twice a week (all day) but had not done an overnight. At the time, she was subscribing to some 'bad' habits (personal opinion here) of falling asleep whenever she wanted, while watching TV, in a bed with her brother or foster mom. At our house, bed time is 7:30, no TV, and you're in your room. Alone.

I bought her a fish to provide a night light and some sleepy time entertainment. Maybe not as interesting as a cartoon, but it's all I've got.

She seemed to get it a little bit, but we weren't sure (and still aren't) if she realized she was moving in forever and ever and ever.

We held our breath the first night, waiting for the whining and screaming and I Want To Go Home-ing to start, and then turned blue because nothing happened.

Huh???

Nothing. Not then, not since. No issues sleeping, hasn't mentioned her previous foster mom, brother ~ nothing.

New scary-ness coming over us. Too easy. Too simple. Too abnormal not to have some level of separation anxiety from the brother you've always lived with and the foster mom you've been with for more then a year.

Needless to say, I've arranged to meet with a bonding specialist to try and get a handle on all of this.

The one that seems to have the most difficulty is, in fact, ME.

I am overwhelmed by the constant questions, the why why why why and repetitive 'where's daddy? what's that? what cho doin? You no sooner answer then she asks again. and again. and again.

I don't know if this is entirely normal, but I can tell you it's annoying as hell. I am missing my quiet time with Alex, being able to engage when I want to and allow him to quietly play other times. I seem to have no down time except for the 1 1/2 hour nap they take, and that flies by.

I am mentally exhausted. And it's only week 1.

Add to this fun my husband is leaving town TOMORROW for five day, then home for the weekend, then gone for another 4 days.

I know I'll manage, but it's a daunting thought, knowing I'm flying solo so soon for so long.

Feel free to send me your leftover prescription medications.

And here's what we're doing it for........................................

I am going to try and keep this up better, if only to post pictures and not much else (who has time???).

I hope everyone is well!

And I wasn't necessarily joking about the meds.

oh. my. god.

I had to make sure we contacted all the relatives first before writing this post.

Mom wants to relinquish!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For those of you out of the terminology loop (haha), this means she wants to sign her rights away. At the meeting, she stated she has done a lot of things regarding her case plan, but realizes she cannot provide the life her children deserve. She asked if we would adopt Christopher and his sister.

Insert jaw drop and almost falling out of chair followed by failed attempt to hold back tears

**HERE**

I couldn't believe it. My stomach did such a flip I almost threw-up.
PGM was there and I asked about her position on wanting to get the kids - you know, because no one else was addressing this MAJOR issue. She stated she didn't know, but it didn't seem fair to take the baby boy away from the only mother he's ever known.

But she didn't say no.

So Friday I meet with the moody CM who informs me even if paternal grandparents report interest, she and the AAG (atty for the state) will argue best interest for the children. some stuff came up during my side conversation with PGM (forgot to mention I brought her to my house after the meeting so she could meet the boy. I wanted her to see I was willing to let her be a grandparent, see what a nice place he'd live, etc etc) that led me to believe they wouldn't pass a home study, anyway.

CM asked when I thought I would start visiting with his sister, Alize. Told her I was waiting for the green light and she said "Green".

So it's happening. Really happening. I am soooooo freaked out!!!!!
Today we're tossing around ideas for a new name for baby boy. Alize with remain Alize, Ally for short. Her current foster home is pretty lenient with her and I already know my work will be cut out for me. She's three and needs to be potty trained, has some speech delay, and is a bit of a wild child. I'll start visiting with her during the week while my parents come over and watch the boy, then have her here, then a few overnights, weekends, and then voila'! A family of four.

Did I mention we may also take the 11 year old brother???? (0:

I wanted to post more pictures of my little busy bee, but hubby put everything onto hard copy and locked them away in the safe. Better safe then sorry -hehehe.

Anyhoo, the latest battle is mostly within myself, although COMPLETELY spear headed by our lovely case manager.
Short version is this:
Haven't see her in a few months, which is no big deal as I need nothing from her.
Called the FM that has the two other siblings and she mentions she spoke with the PGM. say what?? You mean the PGM I've been asking about for months now?? Great. AND?? FM is a little old and loopy, thus not a great source of information. Said she asked about the kids and said she wanted a visit but that was really all. FM redirected her back to the CM.
Did I mention CM gave the CM the PGM's number and had HER call??

Feeling a bit put-out and out of the loop, but ok. at least I know there's communication happening.

CM sends e-mail wed night asking if I am available Thurs for a visit after noon. Respond to e-mail stating we have pediatric appt at 11, followed by errand running and a nap, so how about 4? Ask CM to call with details.

CM calls at 1, rudely tells me she doesn't care if the baby is up or not, she has another appt about 25 min away at 4:15, so she'll swing by here on her way to the appt and "I'll say what I have to say and you say what you have to say and then I'll go". um, ok. agreed to swing by at 3:15.

After 3 shots, nap time and baby are not agreeable. Don't hear phone ring, here beep for missed call. CM had called about 3 minutes before, leaves message stating she's not coming because I'm not answering my phone, and I now need to call her supervisor to have someone else from her office come over here.

Now I'm feeling avoided. And paranoid. And mad.

Send e-mail stating I was sorry to have missed her call, but didn't realize her attending the visit was dependent upon my answering my phone. Asked when the next staffing was (she had mentioned there would be one and would tell me details when she came over). Informed her I was available for a visit any day except the 6th, and any time between 10 and 2 to avoid times in which I put baby down for a nap.

Reply e-mail was to meet at 9 on a friday, and that the staffing was scheduled for the 6th.

Now I am in WTF mode.

I cancel all plans for the 6th, get my parents to come over to watch baby b/c now I'll be damned if my ass is not going to be there for that meeting.

The meeting is a TDM - Team Decicion Making. This meeting has two sole purposes. Either to change the case plan to severance, which means they'll be going to court to try and terminate parental rights, or to discuss a change in placement - which could mean those grandparents want more then a visit.

I am paranoid, I admit, that all this avoidance may be to get around an uncomfortable discussion regarding relative placement.
Or it could be the better option.
Let's hope for that.

Am I not drinking from the same fountain??
There are many women from my mom's group pregnant. Again. And each one of them has made a comment about it being unplanned, too soon, stressful, and UNPLANNED.

Most days I don't think much about infertility. What was once at the forefront of life has now become a visiting echo, usually once a month (need I say more). And yet there are times I feel like I'm back at square one, with thoughts of barrenness and blackness and depression.

Today is one of those days.

Of course it didn't start out that way. It began with the now usual 5 AM wake-up call from a baby boy who believes that just because his eyes have popped open for a moment he should rise for the day. And god forbid the mommy doesn't get her ass in there ASAP. Then the mouth opens as wide as the eyes and it's not pretty.
So we rise, don't really shine, and spend the rest of the AM yawning, zoning out, basically all the crap you do when you get up too early.
Yeay.

Today we hosted a play date with the mom's group. 2 and under to keep a level playing field with the grunting children wanting everything the other has; gotta keep a fair fight.
I knew about a couple of the moms and had already had my fuck off mental moments, and one of them was at the play date. Then another pops up and mentions her morning sickness.
fuck off.
And another says 'oh, we just found out it's another boy. we were really hoping for a girl this time'.
um, fuck off.
And the kicker: 'we just found out yesterday. I don't know how far along I am but I'm pissed I'm going to have to miss a girl's trip to wine country that was scheduled for next month.'
Did I mention almost saying fuck off out loud at this point????
What are the chances that three of the six moms are knocked-up? Seriously? Those are Vegas worthy odds people!

It's not really that I wish ill on these people, or that they should have to edit conversation for my benefit. I fully realize my empty womb is not the headline news or their responsibility. Shit, it's not even my own responsibility.
But that doesn't mean it didn't make for a crappy afternoon.

You would think that parenting would somewhat fill this empty void I have, and sometimes it does, but having him as a foster child still leaves the door open. It's not permanent. I feel my heart keeping him at a bit of a distance, a self preservation act. Sometimes I think it would be easier if he left so we could switch to a private adoption and have something final.

And really, days like this I'm just wishing I could find that fountain all those bitches are drinking from so I can stop having to think about any of it at all.

pictures, pictures, and oh yeah, pictures

Not a lot of time for the full post I have running around in my head, but thought I'd throw up some cute pics of the boy (aren't the ALL cute????)

These are from the Children's Museum. There was this baby/toddler room and these balls were hanging from the ceiling like a wall. SP thought it was the funniest thing EVER and wouldn't stop going back and forth. I took about 20 pics of him just laughing and enjoying such a simple thing.

Mr. Sickly. And I mean sickly. Nose running, eyes watering, drooling, zoned out sickly. Soooo pathetic! Pic doesn't do the couple days of ailment justice.

Mama's little duck! SP LOVES to splash around and get wet. He sticks his face in the water and just goes to town making a mess! Sometimes I have to sit with a towel covering me up so I don't get soaked, too. Can't wait until the pool warms up. He'll likely be swimming on his own by the end of the summer (this hoping we have him at the end of the summer).

The dog bed is one of his favorite hang-outs.

He often sits and ponders the ways of the world.

Grammy and Grandpa got him this for his birthday. Took him awhile to get on, but he has been pushing it all over the place. Still hasn't figured out how to use his legs to make it go, but sits there and makes funny noises and faces like this one. I think funny face pics are almost better then the perfect angel smiles.

SP has found a new love of the outdoors. We play with bubbles for about 1 minute - the total amount of his attention span for this activity. Then it's off to 'help' me in the garden. He uses the dog ball thrower as a whacking stick and beats anything and everything. My lettuce never saw it coming.

After Mommy re-directs the veggie tyrant we steal the dog's ball. On this occasion the daddy was rinsing out a garbage can. Looked like a fun place for the ball to rest, but now neither boy can get it out!!

Remember my comment about the funny faced pics? Here's a couple...... The crying is what happens when you place a hungry child who eats as much as an adult in front of a food he liked a few days ago but not anymore. It would appear my psychic connection was unplugged this day and I didn't get that silent message pb&j was no longer acceptable. Bad mommy.

I'm back!!

I can't believe how long it has been since I was on here last! Blogger break? Writer's block?

Sweet Pea is growing up so fast. He started walking at 10 months. Took 2 steps, then 10 then just up and walked from one room to the next. I tried to catch some pics but it was hard with him taking to it so quickly and moving so damn fast!!

These are a few of the only pics I was able to get of his front.... he was usually walking away from me!

Now he's running around with his little chicken arms up! His favorite thing is climbing the stairs, but he doesn't know how to get down so there's a gate in his way most of the time. Mean mommy!

We just had his first birthday party last weekend. It was several weeks past the actual date but I needed more time since the holidays...

Did I mention we had a Christmas party 2 weeks before the holiday, then all our family here for Christmas (many staying), and his actual party would've been right after that?? I barely got all the decorations down giving myself an extra week!

The party was fun but alas, we discovered the babe has a cake phobia. When presented with the cake to demolish to his little heart's content, he proceeded to scream and break into a crying fit whilst trying to get away (which he couldn't since he was in the high chair). It was so so sad... and strange! I thought he might have been tired and freaked out by all the people (about 25), so we tried again the following night ~ same strange results. Not one to give up easily, I tried yet again the next day, this time with a piece of the cake and sitting on the floor. Not the same level of fear displayed, but he walked around me not trusting that little piece of evil cake. I offered him a bite, which he took, then proceeded to toss on the floor and then ran away.

The party had a car theme and here's the bigger cake I made for everyone else. It is actually 4 (yes FOUR) cakes put together. A bit excessive, but oh well.

Not much else going on except the very bad news the boy's PGM has requested a home study, reporting she wants baby boy and his sister. Hubs and I have found we are at the end of our heartstrings and will not be able to continue fostering if baby boy leaves. We may look into private adoption, we may call it a sign and give up on children completely (this is actually me and not him). We'll see how it works out. I am trying desperately not to think about it too much or I'll drive myself mad. But if you want to think about it and wish/pray/whatever your juju thing is that PGM is not suitable I wouldn't ask you not to~