Friday, March 13, 2009

Am I not drinking from the same fountain??
There are many women from my mom's group pregnant. Again. And each one of them has made a comment about it being unplanned, too soon, stressful, and UNPLANNED.

Most days I don't think much about infertility. What was once at the forefront of life has now become a visiting echo, usually once a month (need I say more). And yet there are times I feel like I'm back at square one, with thoughts of barrenness and blackness and depression.

Today is one of those days.

Of course it didn't start out that way. It began with the now usual 5 AM wake-up call from a baby boy who believes that just because his eyes have popped open for a moment he should rise for the day. And god forbid the mommy doesn't get her ass in there ASAP. Then the mouth opens as wide as the eyes and it's not pretty.
So we rise, don't really shine, and spend the rest of the AM yawning, zoning out, basically all the crap you do when you get up too early.

Today we hosted a play date with the mom's group. 2 and under to keep a level playing field with the grunting children wanting everything the other has; gotta keep a fair fight.
I knew about a couple of the moms and had already had my fuck off mental moments, and one of them was at the play date. Then another pops up and mentions her morning sickness.
fuck off.
And another says 'oh, we just found out it's another boy. we were really hoping for a girl this time'.
um, fuck off.
And the kicker: 'we just found out yesterday. I don't know how far along I am but I'm pissed I'm going to have to miss a girl's trip to wine country that was scheduled for next month.'
Did I mention almost saying fuck off out loud at this point????
What are the chances that three of the six moms are knocked-up? Seriously? Those are Vegas worthy odds people!

It's not really that I wish ill on these people, or that they should have to edit conversation for my benefit. I fully realize my empty womb is not the headline news or their responsibility. Shit, it's not even my own responsibility.
But that doesn't mean it didn't make for a crappy afternoon.

You would think that parenting would somewhat fill this empty void I have, and sometimes it does, but having him as a foster child still leaves the door open. It's not permanent. I feel my heart keeping him at a bit of a distance, a self preservation act. Sometimes I think it would be easier if he left so we could switch to a private adoption and have something final.

And really, days like this I'm just wishing I could find that fountain all those bitches are drinking from so I can stop having to think about any of it at all.


Amanda said...

Aww, Stephanie. I'm sorry this is still so hard and raw. I do think it gets better, but I still get twinges.. sometimes bigger and sometimes smaller. Like you, people getting pregnant isn't what bothers me per se (like it used to. A LOT.) Now it's more about people bitching, or hell, even hinting at vague displeasure or suprise at being pregnant that usually gets me.

And it sucks too, that just when you think you've got it beat, it pops back up.

Glad Lily could give you a smile at least, she does that for me too :-)

Hang in there!

beagle said...

I'm so sorry.

That description makes my recent playdate encouters sound (almost) fun!

However you get there, I hope you have that more settled sense of family soon.


Bea said...

Oh. The woe. Missing a girl's trip. (Why is she even having to miss the trip?)

I also can't identify with these sorts of complaints. That, and the ones where people complain about their obstetric fees for a completely normal conception and pregnancy. Dude. And that's without the fostering complications.

I hope it gets easier for you.