Ignorance is Bliss

At least for me. I know that many people read books on IF or adoption for information. I can't do this. My bio-aunt gave me a book on The Adopted Self when we first met. Guess she figured it may help me muddle through meeting the bio family and all the baggage that comes with discovery. I flipped through it, but really didn't read it. No interest.
I think in some ways I social work myself..... meaning I have mental counseling sessions in my own head about things. Not always, but usually I can process things really well, so I don't feel a need for more information. Reading blogs will tell anyone that the bottom line is usually the same, IF sucks, but the roads to that line are all different. I enjoy reading other's thoughts and stuggles and triumphs, but books don't convey the day to day I find in the blogs. I relate with the blog babes. I can't relate to some unknown author.

My husband just came in and started to read what I was typing. I asked him if he read this blog at all and he said "No. I figure it's kinda like your diary or something. Now if there was anything in there that you DIDN't want me to see, I'd be upset because I would hope we could talk about anything". I should count my blessings more often.

In other news, we went to OR last weekend to see the hubby's family. Well, our family. His step-sister lives there, although she and her husband are in Ireland for a few years working and traveling. They rented out their home while away and the renters left a cigarette smoldering. Burned the back 1/2 of the house. It was horrible to see. Of course there's the good news that no one was hurt, none of their belongings were in the home, and much of the home will be salvaged, but man. That's their home! And she put A LOT of work into it over the years. It's a 19th century Victorian in an upcoming neighborhood.
It brought back memories as my parent's home burned down 6 years ago. It was a total loss. It was horrifying to see the home I live in my entire life nothing but smoke and ash. To see my prom dress half melted, stuck to my letterman's jacket. But in the end, it's just stuff. Not everything can be replaced, but it's stuff.

Losing things makes me ponder a lot. I think about how lucky I am to have all the family I have. All the support. All the love. Everyone has been so wonderful about the infertility crap. They just want grandkids, no matter where they come from. They want to see us parents, even if it's not biological. They want us to be happy, and were sad with us when IVF failed again. They supported us emotionally and financially, contributing to the Fertility Fund for IVF #2.

I am looking forward to the holidays more this year than the past few years. It has been a horrible year, with many sad things happening. I am ready for it to be over, but moreover I am ready for a new year to begin. The fork in the road came quickly and we're pushed towards adoption. I can go kicking and screaming or full of hope and excitement. I can't read someone else's thoughts or opinions about it, just have to jump in and go for it myself. Nothing is ever perfect, and most things don't go the way you planned. IF fits into this thought like nothing else.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I plan spending Christmas with all of my family as stronger woman.

TAG TAG TAG TAG

I've been tagged by Lola to list 5 things you may not know about me. Well, that leaves a lot as long as it doesn't have to do with IVF!!!

1) I like to be alone. This has taken a long time. I used to hate being by myself, now I enjoy it. I like walking alone. Just this weekend, we went to my SIL cabin in OR. It was far far away, quiet, peaceful, cold. I took a morning walk and loved it. Didn't want to turn back. Saw deer in the woods, birds flying overhead, calm life opening up around every curve of the dirt road. It was lovely. I often daydream about disappearing alone. Taking the essentials and just poof. Gone. New state, country, no one knows me. Under the Tuscan Sun kinda fantasy.

2) I am a self beautification junkie. I have more then 100 shades of nail polish. More then 100 shades of lipstick. Tons of face creams, mud masks, hair products, clips, eye shadows/make-up, and jewelry. And none of it expensive because I am a bargain shopper. Maybe if I invested in some key things I would use them more instead of buying everything that looks pretty, but no. And did I mention the scented body lotions and bubble baths??

3) I tried to kill myself every year from the time I was in 3rd grade. Always trying to OD on medications. No one knew until 10th grade when I really did it and landed my ass in a treatment center. It was in that center I realized I was going to be a social worker of some kind. I spent more time talking and helping the other patients then I did addressing my own issues. I didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, hadn't even kissed a boy yet. Many counselors actually questioned why I was there in the first place. I addressed my issues later in life and put them in a mental box for safe keeping. I had to learn that life goes on, you just have to find a direction and take it. I still struggle sometimes, but try to keep ahead of myself. All that experience helped with IF. I commented on another blog that there are a lot of decisions and waiting in IF, but IF is right in the middle of lIFe, where you are always faced with hardships.

4) I have 4 Dads, 4 Moms. Bio parents, adopted parents, husband's parents, husband's step-parents. It can be a bit overwhelming since they are all so very different. This Christmas, they will all be in my new home. Well, not really. Hoping to see bio dad but don't speak with bio mom so that won't happen. But both sets of hubby's parents and my adopted parents will be over. My saving grace of this is that I LOVE HOSTING. I'll throw a party for anyone. I handmake invites, bake and decorate cakes, have themes, the works. Controlling things calms me, thus hosting the party keeps my mind occupied and I don't get freaked out over anything. We'll see if that holds out this year with so many people coming over right after we move into the new house.

5) I used to be a synchronized swimmer. I went to Nationals in DC my jr year. Did ok. Nothing serious. Started swimming on a summer team when I was like 4 and never really got out of the water. Swam year round from 5th grade to jr year of high school and then was just done. Few years later became a coach and lifeguard. Now I scuba dive whenever I get the chance. I am more comfortable in the water, any water, then anywhere else in the world. Now if I could just look better in a swimsuit, things would be grand!

WELL. There it is. I'm not sure why I picked the things I did, and will probably be laying in bed later thinking "I should've written this or that", but I guarantee those are things you, the blogoshpere society, did not know about me.

On another note, recently I am getting blocked from getting to people's sites from their comments, stating they have disabled their profiles or something. What is this people? I don't have site names written down on a post-it so I rely on clicking on the comment names to take me to your leaders, I mean sites!!! If you are one of these people, I would love it if you fixed this for me (0:

I now pass the task to the Nixter, BabyBlue, Bea, and Lara.

Rowing

Last week, we attended the first of many meetings for foster care. It was the orientation meeting with the agency I selected. Being in this field already, I have a lot of knowledge and connections. I have worked with most, if not all, of the licensing agencies in my district, so I was able to rely on my own experiences when picking one for us.

This meeting was a taste of what is to come. There weren't many people there, and it was fairly obvious the ones that were did not have a lot of background information about the system. Which is why the agencies have these orientations!
For me, it was quite painful. My knowledge is also a hinderance, because I was bored to death. And sure enough, the woman running the show was someone I know, so she would ask me questions throughout the orientation! I tried to be as quiet as possible, because no one likes a know-it-all, but she kept asking me questions!!!

It was interesting to see how much second hand knowledge my husband has also picked-up on. He even commented on it as we were leaving that he surprised himself with how much he already knew. And I thought he never listened!

Classes start in January, which gives us plenty of time to move and get all that in order. There are 11 classes, 1 per week. And then there's the paperwork. Oodles of it. We need fingerprints, background checks, relative info, pay stubs, bank account info, mortgage info, dog vaccine info, full physicals, references, and the list goes on and on. We'll be meeting with a licensing worker to go over it all soon.

At the end of the meeting, they asked if anyone had questions. Yep, you guessed it, they were all directed at me. I have a feeling this is likely to happen during training classes as well.

Lots of mixed emotions. I am happy to get started, and sad that holds a form of resignation to having a biological child. I worry my own adoption luggage will be hard to keep in the closet, and I don't want to pass it along to any child. I wonder how I will approach the discussion of adoption, and how it will be taken. In many ways, adopting an older child alleviates some of this because they already know. You will have to fill in some details, but the big whammy is already in the open.
I wonder if our child will get ADHD or Bi-Polar disorder since so many of the children I work with have these diagnosis. I worry about how I will address this.

There is just so much that you think you can control if it's your biological child, that you risk if it's not. But when I really think about it, there are no major differences. It's all a crap shoot. Like why one woman can get pregnant and another can't. Why some miscarry and others don't. Why IF goes unexplained. Why physical abnormalities occur without reason.

I suppose the point is I am scared. With all that I already know about what we're about to do, there are so many things I don't. My husband is looking to me for direction and information, and I am looking within myself for peace and understanding. I feel a lot of pressure.
There's the 'too soon' argument, that we should slow down until I am comfortable with this direction we're forced to be going, but I don't think that's the answer. I don't know if I will ever be ok with not being able to have a biological child. If I will ever get rid of my own emotional baggage about adoption. If I will ever stop worrying, thinking, freaking myself out over the possibilities.

So here we go! Grab a paddle and get going since you're stuck in the boat, anyway.

I appreciate all of the comments from my last post. There were many who thought I should get a second opinion. What I failed to mention is that this kinda WAS the second opinion.
When the first IVF failed so horribly, and we decided to try once more, we interviewed new doctors. I was upset with the first office because they did not inform me none of the embies were able to be frozen until I had the nurse call to check while I was getting my pg test. I knew I wasn't pregnant (you know, how you just KNOW), so I was really counting on the ability to transfer some frozen embies. Needless to say I was devistated, but also very very angry no one bothered to call and tell me.
We agreed to shop around. Interviewed 3 docs. #1 freaked me out because he was agreeing to do every test I wanted. Some may see this as a good thing, but I was concerned he didn't appear to have any opinion at all, just yep yep yep. Agreeable is good, but it was too much.
#2 was good but spent the entire time talking to my husband. I would ask a question and he would then look at hubby and respond. I redirected him a couple of times to talk to me, but blech. No thanks. It's my body he's going to be intimate with, the least he can do is make eye contact! Reminded me of a car mechanic who thinks the woman doesn't know anything so they automatically address the man. Unless you have nice boobies, of course.
Went with #3. He reviewed everything PRIOR to our appointment. He spoke to me, looked at me, addressed me. On the alternate, hubby commented being put off because the dr didn't pay him much attention! I laughed at that. Poor boys aren't used to that... pity. This same dr met with me last week and went over every part of the cycle. Showed me pictures, diagrams, the works. It was obvious he wanted me to understand everything, which was refreshing.
All of the other dr's had this and that vague idea of what the problem was, but #3 was precise. Did say there was always a chance, but I prefer this direct approach.
Before even entering, I had an idea my eggs were an issue. I looked over all the results of both treatments and saw where everything stalled. Happened right at the time of multiply and divide, which is the egg's responsibility.

In some ways I am ok with this outcome. I always said I just wanted an answer. Yeah, it's not a good answer, and sure as shit not the one I was hoping for, but there it is anyway. And my hope is not entirely gone, either. Maybe there's one hiding in there just waiting for the right moment. Maybe that's now.

Here's the interesting thing. I am late for AF. I started spotting a week ago, but nothing major and all dark. Now, nothing. Not even a hint of AF arrival. No bloating, cravings, cramps. Nada. It's CD 28. I am NOT getting my hopes up much, but it is interesting. I have always been irregular (and not just in this area hahaha) but this is a new thing. I have been early, or gone for 2 weeks straight, but usually spotting leads into the full cycle and I have all the symptoms in advance.
Can I just say that my body sucks? I will TOTALLY redact that statement if things change in the future, but for now I stand by it.