I have started to realize I am not the fun person I used to be. And that just further pisses me off.
I can't remember ever being a glass half full kinda girl. No overt optimism, but not really pessimism, either. Just mism. It is what it is.
These days I realize I am becoming more and more of a pessimist. I actually catch myself wondering what annoying/rule breaking/argumentative/what the hell were you thinking thing my daughter will do next. Seriously? I'm mentally plotting my irritation?
I am planning out my mism?
I realize how sad that must be for her. Then I get all in my own head with the internal debate of Popeye voice "I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam" vs " Don't be your mother, don't be your mother, don't be your Mother".
On the one hand, I will never be the queen of nurture. I have found some peace realizing I am better at structure and boundaries both with myself and others. I then realize I may be using that as a crutch - a way to justify my constant redirecting of my daughter. *And yes, I also realize this is all linked to her while my son is getting my hugs and kisses (although I find a little justification in the fact he actually returns them and has never tried to assault me..... but that's a whole other cup o' worms).
When it comes to my mother, I CLEARLY remember feeling like she hated me and I could never do anything right. My brother did enough rights for the entire world, so after a while you kinda just say f-it and start emotionally preserving yourself. And my current fear overwhelms me when I realize I am perpetuating this in my own daughter. The amount of times I have to tell her to knock something off SEVERELY outweighs the amount of times I provide anything positive........ other then I'm positive you shouldn't be doing/saying/acting like that.
So how do I change the mism. How do I take years and years of practice accepting half-fullness, justifying self preservation, and let's face it, the need to be right all the time, and morph it into something healthier? Not just for her sake, but to stop these facial wrinkles from continuing until I look pissed off all the time no matter what cream I slather on. How do I get back to being fun me while maintaining Mom me and squashing my mom me.
Christine Moers keep a log of hugs. A log. She's got a few more kids then I do so I thought I don't need no steenking log! But I can't actually keep track of the number of times I hug my daughter and the log will keep me accountable. So that's starting. I am setting a goal of 5 a day. Good hugs. I mean it hugs. I will not be my mother hugs. I am going to hug the shit outta you even though you may not enjoy it hugs...... at least 5 times a day.
I am starting a fun jar of dumb and silly things to do - dance party, hokey pokey, jump in the pool with your clothes on, play a game, etc. Ideas on other stuff would be greatly appreciated.
I am also posting a link to this blog on my FB page. Now, you may be wondering how in the world this has anything to do with ANYTHING. I guess it's just my way of putting myself back out there. Just me. Maybe the vulnerability will do me some good, maybe someone else some good. When I think back I realize that writing was always an outlet for me. It allowed me a place to be myself and express my honest thoughts, no matter what. I wasn't trying to impress anyone or speak to anyone, I just needed the moment to verbalize the garbage in my head so I could sort it out. If you're reading this, now it's your garbage, too! HAHA. Sukkkkuuuuuuuuu.
October is now positive month for me. I am not changing my mism, but tweaking it a little at a time to better myself. So if you know me, feel free to flick me in the arm when you hear me harping on my kids. I may punch you in the face, but hey, I'll start a hug log for you and make it up.