As I took the time to check out my fellow bloggers current thoughts, I was struck by the most recent post by Beagle. Sorry, no computer whiz here or I'd do the thingy where you can click on the name and see what I'm talking about.
There seems to be this in-between time where we are not really sad, but not really happy. Call it an emotional limbo of sorts. Things could be worse, but could be much better. How full is your glass yadda yadda yadda.
I am currently in that limbo, from my toes to my nose.
I thought having a baby would be the IT for me. I was so sure quitting my job and being a stay at home foster parent would fill that lurking void. I don't talk about it much anymore, but the IF hole is still a pretty big chunk out of my heart and my soul. Joking about having rotten eggs is my way of coping, but behind the attempted humor, there is perpetual heartache.
And now I have succeeded in my attempt to fill the void by following through with my plan ~ quitting my job, getting licensed for foster care, decorating a nursery and a toddler room, all the plastic in all the outlets. And now a beautiful baby boy.
And i am not satisfied in the least.
OK, maybe in the least. But not as I thought I would be.
I am bored as a stay at home parent, not necessarily wishing I had kept my job, but now doubting my decision to not work. And when there's one doubt, there's sure to be another holding it's hand, and then a whole party dancing around in your head.
I realize some of this comes from the news the baby will be leaving. But in all honesty, I've not been overjoyed from the get go. At first it was being tired and the new experience and trying to make sure I was doing everything right. But still not the joy.
What is most difficult is not knowing when it will happen. When I will get hit when the thought that 'this is it and I'm happy and this is all I've ever wanted'. That moment when all seems right with the world. When some of the emotional damage I've endured by not being able to have the one thing I've always wanted fades. When I am no longer angry with my own body, or saddened by my own depression, or perpetually questioning my decisions since the ones I was so sure of are not turning out as I thought.
I can't tell if my cup is half full or half empty. But I can tell you I hope someone comes along and fills the damn thing to the rim sometime soon~ because I've been thirsty a long time.