Wednesday, October 10, 2007

The cup floweth under

As I took the time to check out my fellow bloggers current thoughts, I was struck by the most recent post by Beagle. Sorry, no computer whiz here or I'd do the thingy where you can click on the name and see what I'm talking about.

There seems to be this in-between time where we are not really sad, but not really happy. Call it an emotional limbo of sorts. Things could be worse, but could be much better. How full is your glass yadda yadda yadda.

I am currently in that limbo, from my toes to my nose.
I thought having a baby would be the IT for me. I was so sure quitting my job and being a stay at home foster parent would fill that lurking void. I don't talk about it much anymore, but the IF hole is still a pretty big chunk out of my heart and my soul. Joking about having rotten eggs is my way of coping, but behind the attempted humor, there is perpetual heartache.
And now I have succeeded in my attempt to fill the void by following through with my plan ~ quitting my job, getting licensed for foster care, decorating a nursery and a toddler room, all the plastic in all the outlets. And now a beautiful baby boy.
And i am not satisfied in the least.
OK, maybe in the least. But not as I thought I would be.

I am bored as a stay at home parent, not necessarily wishing I had kept my job, but now doubting my decision to not work. And when there's one doubt, there's sure to be another holding it's hand, and then a whole party dancing around in your head.

I realize some of this comes from the news the baby will be leaving. But in all honesty, I've not been overjoyed from the get go. At first it was being tired and the new experience and trying to make sure I was doing everything right. But still not the joy.

What is most difficult is not knowing when it will happen. When I will get hit when the thought that 'this is it and I'm happy and this is all I've ever wanted'. That moment when all seems right with the world. When some of the emotional damage I've endured by not being able to have the one thing I've always wanted fades. When I am no longer angry with my own body, or saddened by my own depression, or perpetually questioning my decisions since the ones I was so sure of are not turning out as I thought.

I can't tell if my cup is half full or half empty. But I can tell you I hope someone comes along and fills the damn thing to the rim sometime soon~ because I've been thirsty a long time.


OHN said...

Oh Steph..I feel so bad for you and for Beagle. I just wish I had some fairy dust I could sprinkle to take the gray away.

Staying home is very difficult unless you are really in that mode. It can be mind numbing even on good days. I thought for awhile I would crack not having any adult conversation and being sleep deprived on top of it all. It got better once the boys were older and we could go out but even hangin at the playground was boring (don't even get me started about some of the conversations there with some really perky SAHM's)! I finally created a job for myself and have a home office so now I have the best of both worlds.

Gotta run now...out lookin for fairy dust for you and Beagle.

Bea said...

Hear hear on the filling of the cup. I hope you also get to that fulfilled stage somehow - whether it be adding something else to your life or just giving it more time to heal.

It is very hard to be happy doing only one thing even in the best of cicumstances. I think most people find they need a variety of different types of stimulation.


Stephanie said...

Thank you for sharing so honestly your feelings. It seems that we all live in a mix of emotions and the whole left from IF is deep and wide. I pray that your cup over flows soon.

hope548 said...

I hope you can sort it all out and find out just what it is that is still lacking. I think it's great you can express yourself so honestly on your blog!

I would imagine you wouldn't want to get too attached to a baby who might not stay, and I can't imagine staying home. I don't think I could do it!

Good luck sorting this through.

My Reality said...

I hope that cup runneth over soon. It is an awful place to be in.

Beagle said...

We all really ought to get together for tea/coffee/vodka sometime.

Fill 'er to the rim all around!

Chris said...

Though I havne't been in your place of Limbo, I am familiar with Limbo and how uncomfortable it is. And how much fun it isn't. I hope you find some answers soon.

As someone who is looking into pursuing fost/adopt in the Phoenix area, do you have any tips for me? Like agencies to use, or avoid, and homestudies and whatnot?

You can email me at ccrissieataoldotcom