Saturday, September 01, 2007

the monotony has set in. hard. core.

I am likening this to post-par tum depression. I have heard a lot of IFers go through this. It is a naturally occurring phenomenon, happening when one wishes and tries and may even bargain with the devil for one or more desires. When they are fulfilled, all that energy implodes, causing massive hemorrhage to the emotional system.

Couple this with leaving your job and being home alone ALL THE TIME.


And I know the opposing argument, that there are many a person saying to themselves "I would love to be able to stay at home with a baby!". My response, try it and get back to me.

It is difficult having such little interaction. I speak with some friends on the phone, but really appear to have fallen off the radar. We don't go out all that often because it's hot, and the baby naps every 2 hours and eats every 3. Changes in the schedule could (and have) lead to being awakened multiple times at night, thus rendering the decision to go out in the first place questionable. So it's me, the dog, and the baby.

Hubs was out of the country for two weeks right off the bat. Alone alone alone.
There was a 6.5 hour trip to the ER when baby spiked a 104 temp. Of course modern science as it is, they were unable to pinpoint any problems after putting in a catheter for a urine sample, sticking his hands multiple times to draw blood, and putting him in a tube contraption for a chest x-ray. All the while multiple snotty nurses seemingly questioning my parenting ability because I did not give the child any Tylenol. Excuse me, but 104 degrees means get your ass in the car and go. So fuck off.

Every morning, I go into the nursery and am greeted by this beautiful smiling face, looking at me with anticipation of a new day. He knows my voice, smiles when he sees me across a room..... I am his mom.

And all is right in the world once again.

But it could be better if I had contact with some big people, too (0:


OHN said...

I am glad you updated...I have been checking every day!

Please have NO guilt about feeling like you are lost in a land of dirty diapers and bottles. After waiting 8 freakin years to be a mom (actually over 30 since I wanted to be a mom forever) I was scared to death to complain about the monotony of nothing but baby. I adored him but I craved a conversation. I was/am not the type to join a mommy group so I was pretty much screwed. I DO think it will get easier for you when he is a bit bigger and you can intermingle with the world again. It WILL happen, I swear!

Anonymous said...

This makes me smile. Not the boredom and feeling housebound, but this:

"He knows my voice, smiles when he sees me across a room..... I am his mom."

It is has such a beautiful ring to it!

You are both trying to learn a routine, give it some time and you will both have things figured out a bit more and it will be easier to get out.

As for the fever of 104 - I would do the same thing. To the hospital, do not pass go for tylenol! I can't believe they questioned you.

Stephanie said...

You have made me smile. Thanks for your honesty! :)

Melissa said...

Ah, Steph....I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I can only imagine the feelings you are experiencing and the loneliness of being home all day. And the guilt? Girl, motherhood is hard for EVERYONE-even IF's! So no bad feelings.

Hope the babe is feeling better! Fevers are a scary thing and I don't blame you a bit for taking him in!

Melissa said...

Hey girl...I just realized you're here in AZ...e-mail me, K?

womanwhocriedpregnant @ gmail dot com

Beagle said...

I think you hit on a very common thing in post IF motherhood . . . feeling like you're not allowed to bitch about the new role because you wanted this so badly. It's OK. You're allowed.

I'm so glad he rewards you with that smile! It gets easier (at least that's what I've heard!)

hope548 said...

You know, it's only going to be like that for a while. Keep your eye on the prize! You'll get through the boredom. I'm sure it's a big adjustment for anyone!

I can't wait to see a sweet smile waiting for me each day once we adopt, but I know a lot of crap will come with it too. I think it's just something we want so badly, we forget about the reality that comes along with it!

Hang in there!