Tuesday, April 03, 2007

I am often reminded when reading other blogs about IF how annoying it all can be. The world is a difficult enough place to maneuver for a smart mouth like me ~ it's hard to TRY and be politically correct all the time. I call people crack hoe and make jokes about someone riding the short bus to work today. I'm sure I offend. My own husband sometimes looks at me like I've completely lost my mind. I'm more or less ok with that. Sure, there's room for improvement, but who are we kidding? If anyone truly believes 15 or so years of building up this demeanor is going to eradicate itself with one scornfull evil eye, well, keep on keepin on.

And I'm Irish. So there.

My point being that IF causes even more introspection then usual. We have to pretend to be happy when we're not. Even at the most obvious of should be happy moments - someone else's pregnancy. Hell, it's commonly referred to as THE GOOD NEWS. Not so much for us. Failed cycles falling on your birthday. Do you think this is cause for celebration? Would anyone want bad news followed by a ceremonious blowing out of candles and singing? Doubtful.

My 2 best friends were pregnant around the same time. Pisser. Total and udder mental strain and chaos. My usual open mouth was causing my brain to work double duty to keep shut. It took so much energy flowing to that oraface it forgot to send the memo to my eyeballs to stay dry. I was relatively quiet but crying all the damn time.

This does not mean I wasn't happy for my friends. I was. Not thrilled or anything, but happy because they were happy. They were in good places in their lives to have children and a family and all that happy shit. I wanted that happy shit first, WAY before they did, so not thrilled indeed.

Then you add the "are you doing ok" comments from my mother, husband, other friends, even these friends. How do you answer that? I mean, really? Nothing that you say will be both the truth and socially acceptable, even to your closest friends. So you dodge dodge dodge, then you're a bad friend for not reveling in their happiness or confiding your inner frustrations.

Here's my revenge. When we do foster care, I am going to go on and on and on and on about every freaking thing, especially the system. I figure if I had to hear about all their pregnancy stuff (you know, the things I couldn't possibly understand b/c I haven't experienced them) then I am going to make sure they hear about the foster care and CPS stuff.

This may seem silly, ok I know it IS silly without thought, but it's all I've got at the moment. I'm tired of talking about my dog all the time, so at least it's something different, right??

Now I know at least 2 of my friends read this off and on, so let me make it crystal clear I do not begrudge your happiness or experiences or babies in any way. This is simply my rant and rave that shit isn't fair and I'm going to have a little blog tantrum now and again.

And just to keep this from being a total rant, here's a couple of cakes I made. I was debating posting a picture of myself, but chickenend out and threw these up instead!


wzgirl said...

Nice cakez, bud. You make cakez & I sew. We should go into business...eh??

elly parker said...

You sound like you could use some good news... how about hearing that I'm coming back to AZ in May and I'll be staying for nearly 2 weeks... Can you spare a bed for a night? :-) I haven't told your hubbie yet - I'll let you break the news!!

OHN said...

Girl..I love the "tude". It took me many years to be able to allow myself the feisty irish girl in me to come out and damn it feels great!

Please tell me that it took you forever to learn how to decorate cakes with roses..did I mention that I really resent talented people??!!

My Reality said...

Rant away!

Great job on the cakes. I have taken cake decorating myself. I find it quite theraputic. I need some good icing recipes, mine haven't been holding up well. If you have any that are good, could you tell me?

Kris said...

Rant on! Sometimes I snap, sometimes I keep the inner voice only in my head. It is so draining to be infertile.

I think talking about your process is great. People talk about pregnancy because that's what is going on in their life. You are certainly entitled to talk about what is going on in yours.

Beautiful cakes- I'd love to learn to decorate cakes. But then I'd be baking them. And eating them.

Bea said...

I think you should bore everyone silly. It seems to be the right of every expectant parent.


Baby Blues said...

Rant to your hearts content. It feels good doesn't it. The cake looks yummy! Keep on baking. You should accept orders for birthday cakes.

Beagle said...

Ranting is OK in my book. Things need to be taken in context.

Cool Cakes.

Andrea and/or Jeff said...

Okay, I'm the nutter who commented on your very first post after randomly encountering it in late night wanderings. You know, the one with the extremely out of date blog? Okay, so now for the first time in almost a year (!) I have a current post. And you're a month behind. Nah, Nah!

Okay, so to comment on your actual post. Hey, by all means rant on. And OF COURSE you should be able to talk all you need and want to about foster parenting issues to your friends who have talked with you about pregnancy. Though I have to warn you it may not be as satisfying as you deserve it to be. And yeah, that sucks.

And bad cycle news on your birthday? Sucks BIG time. Not quite as bad as my spending 6 hours of my 37th birthday in the ER with an ectopic pregnancy--but sucky is sucky--and sad is sad--and there is so no point saying whose pain is worse. Hugs to you! Hope things have been amazingly cool in the last month and you've been too busy to blog.

NikkiMorrell said...

You make cakes too ??? LOL.