Monday, June 11, 2007

tick tock

Ever hear the clock in your head? Several countdowns happening in this girl's nogin~

First off, 2 weeks left at work. 2. weeks. 2. TWO.
How did that happen?
When I started at CPS it was to get some experience, make some connections, a stepping stone. 7 years later. Can't wrap my mind around it all the time. I love my job. I hate my job. Some days I look at how much I have to do to pass my cases along and wish I wasn't such a procrastinator. Mostly, I pray whomever gets my cases won't screw them up. I have 2 trials coming up. I will get a subpoena, I will appear in court. But not as the case manager. Strange. Stranger yet that I won't get paid for it!
So as much as I look forward to leaving all the paperwork and bureaucracy and rules and meth heads and sex offenders behind, I will miss my kids. I know that's what it comes down to. My kids. I will really and truly miss my kids. And pray that the person who takes over for me does them justice.

Once that countdown ends, the clock will tick loudly until it is muffled by the sounds of children. And who knows when that will be.
I received a voicemail message from out licensing worker today requesting we go to the office to sign some paperwork so he can submit our home study to the court. Um, you mean the home study we completed almost a month ago and believed was submitted at least 2 weeks ago? Sure. Great. No fucking problem.
Already miffed being on the other side.

And as I bitch the empty adoption photo album silently stares. A book meant to visually represent us, our home, our life. Empty. I opened an new file on the computer, and labeled it Adoption Pics, and then, well, nothing.
I have seen these books while selecting adoptive homes for kids on my own case load. Until now, the full spectrum of what those books meant to their makers eluded me. At my work, a level of separation/neutrality must be maintained. I looked at the books. I measured the scrap booking abilities of their makers. I glanced at the faces smiling back at me. And thought nothing of it.
And now I am faced with the challenge and trying to find a way to make the book jump out at those neutral CPS bitches whom I will rely on to say "Now look at the craftsmanship of this book here!" while they muse over my smiling face and that of my husband.
Ironic, eh.

The noise will continue. Once it's past work, past waiting for kids, then it will chime away for parenting. Waiting to see if I'm any good at it. Waiting to see if the kids have latent issues. Waiting to see if they come out of it all OK. waiting to see if WE come out of it OK.

Thank god it's not a cuckoo clock.


OHN said...

It is indeed very weird to be on the other side of the desk, so to speak. Have you ever thought about private consulting or actually working in adoption? I bet you would love it.

Not sure if I told you this before, if I did, ignore me, but I stressed SOOO much about our profile and pix. Turned out the two things I was certain would turn off any Bmom were the two things that made her pick us...coulda knocked me over with a feather...just be you and it will be perfect.

Anonymous said...

I hope your last two weeks of work pass quickly, but not as quick as the time passes until you have a child in your arms.

CA Momma said...

Hey Steph- glad you posted. I've been gone but I am so happy to come home and see three whole new posts!! I am very interested in what you say about our photo album. The lady who we took our classes from said we need one. Our SW says we don't need one. Since this thing has taken so long I'm on the side of trusting you not the SW. Sad isn't it?