Date: Fri, 29 Feb 2008 17:48:17 -0700
Subject: RE: baby boy.
The CPC has been signed by the court, so I need to move the baby as soon as possible. I want to give you some time to get things together and say good bye. The Case aide and I will be moving M on Wednesday, March 5. We will be by around 10:00 am. Thanks for the update on M's progress. You have done a great job with him, and I appreciate it.
If you have any questions just let me know. I will see you Wednesday.
Thanks,
Piece of shit case manager
Took out the baby's name and a little liberty with the cm's name.
Note how she sent an e-mail, didn't call, and then sent the fucking thing at 5:45PM when I would not be able to call her at the office.
Note how completely and utterly fucking fucking pissed I am, which is my only defense between bouts of crying and near hyperventilation.
My husband is out of state for another week. He won't even get to say good-bye.
No transition.
Did I mention I can't breathe?
Monday morning will start a shit storm. I will be calling the cm and her supervisor's supervisor. Remember, her direct supervisor is the piece of shit I used to work with and who has a personal problem with me - even though she's the one who screwed up. So no point in trying to go through her, going directly over her ass.
Already sent an e-mail to GAL as well as leaving her a vmm.
I don't know if I can do this again. I am losing my baby in the worst possible way.
This shit is why there are so many foster parents who quit. This shit is why CPS gets a bad reputation. This shit is why there are so many fucked up kids in the world. Kids who started out great and then some asshole took advantage of that great happy little disposition and stunted them for life.
God I hope my baby comes out of this ok.
I am all alone and the only thing I can think of to do is write on this stupid blog.
I can't stop crying and I don't know what to do with myself. I tried to take a bath and relax. I tried watching TV. I tried calling my best friend but hung up before dialing because I just can't TALK about it. And now I'm here sitting in the dark alone in this fucking house typing away.
I don't know how to end this post.
Friday, February 29, 2008
rantings and updates
For someone with no job and not much to do, I seem to be struggling to keep up on blogging. This includes writing & reading.
There are days in which I will spend hours (of course these hours are broken up by nap times) catching up on people's posts. Then there are times when I don't. I apologize in advance, if any such apology is needed, for my inconsistency. Sometimes I feel guilty about not keeping up, especially with those whose stories have inspired me, or advice via comments on my own posts have offered insight, blessings, or encouragement. I really do appreciate all of it.
I have long noticed a trend in blogging, that the more sad, depressing, or horrific the content of the post, the more people appear to be reading. The day to day stuff is less interesting I suppose. Or maybe this is my jaded perception. It's here nor there. I equate it to a good book. I just finished a book that was about a boy's life after accidentally allowing his little brother to drown while he was giving him a bath. He thought the gesture would make his mother happy as she was always complaining about how dirty the boy was. After getting him into the bath, he was "squirmy" so the brother went to his room to fetch a toy to keep him occupied so he could properly wash him. When he returned a moment later the boy was gone.
He spent the rest of his life atoning. Mother became alcoholic and dependent upon prescription drugs, father not really there. He dropped out of college to take care of his mother and ended-up with no life of his own.
The book was totally boring.
Thus my comparison to blogging. I may have found it more interesting if I could relate, or maybe if I had known someone like that.
This also correlates to how I read blogs.
I like the day to day stuff. I relate to staying at home, or caring for kids, or anything that could just as well happen to me.
And now that I've gone off on this tangent, I find myself lacking a point!
So we'll venture off~
Boy finally had a visit with MGM yesterday. Aide was 45 minutes late picking him up so I seriously doubt the visit was all of the 90 minutes it was supposed to be. At least it was at her home and not the CPS office. Again, he didn't eat at the visit. For me this is a sign of comfort. Eating and sleeping are things most young kids only do when truly comfortable with the person and environment.
I have not heard back from his CM after both an e-mail and a voicemail. No surprise there. In a way I understand since his case is not a major priority. I myself was often guilty of not focusing on the 'easy' cases because I had so many volatile issues happening on other cases that needed immediate attention. That knowledge and understanding does not make it any less annoying now that I am on the other side.....
We continue to just take it day by day. I am assured MGM still wants him and that he will be going to her. OK. I get it. But when? And how? These are the times my being a CPS worker back fires on me as I KNOW this is not going as it should.
The sleeping issues are resolved. We're now working on the eating. Trying to get him to try new things and be less dependent on formula. At 9 1/2 months I feel he should be learning more, but I could be wrong. He's all over the house, crawling and standing and walking around the coffee table. He babbles and sometimes says things that sound like words, but I can't be sure.
Two days ago I said to him 'you've got boogers in your nose!' and he said 'booga'. He's said it a few times since but I think he's just learning to put some of the sounds he knows together. I would hate to think one of his first words was actually booger.
There are days in which I will spend hours (of course these hours are broken up by nap times) catching up on people's posts. Then there are times when I don't. I apologize in advance, if any such apology is needed, for my inconsistency. Sometimes I feel guilty about not keeping up, especially with those whose stories have inspired me, or advice via comments on my own posts have offered insight, blessings, or encouragement. I really do appreciate all of it.
I have long noticed a trend in blogging, that the more sad, depressing, or horrific the content of the post, the more people appear to be reading. The day to day stuff is less interesting I suppose. Or maybe this is my jaded perception. It's here nor there. I equate it to a good book. I just finished a book that was about a boy's life after accidentally allowing his little brother to drown while he was giving him a bath. He thought the gesture would make his mother happy as she was always complaining about how dirty the boy was. After getting him into the bath, he was "squirmy" so the brother went to his room to fetch a toy to keep him occupied so he could properly wash him. When he returned a moment later the boy was gone.
He spent the rest of his life atoning. Mother became alcoholic and dependent upon prescription drugs, father not really there. He dropped out of college to take care of his mother and ended-up with no life of his own.
The book was totally boring.
Thus my comparison to blogging. I may have found it more interesting if I could relate, or maybe if I had known someone like that.
This also correlates to how I read blogs.
I like the day to day stuff. I relate to staying at home, or caring for kids, or anything that could just as well happen to me.
And now that I've gone off on this tangent, I find myself lacking a point!
So we'll venture off~
Boy finally had a visit with MGM yesterday. Aide was 45 minutes late picking him up so I seriously doubt the visit was all of the 90 minutes it was supposed to be. At least it was at her home and not the CPS office. Again, he didn't eat at the visit. For me this is a sign of comfort. Eating and sleeping are things most young kids only do when truly comfortable with the person and environment.
I have not heard back from his CM after both an e-mail and a voicemail. No surprise there. In a way I understand since his case is not a major priority. I myself was often guilty of not focusing on the 'easy' cases because I had so many volatile issues happening on other cases that needed immediate attention. That knowledge and understanding does not make it any less annoying now that I am on the other side.....
We continue to just take it day by day. I am assured MGM still wants him and that he will be going to her. OK. I get it. But when? And how? These are the times my being a CPS worker back fires on me as I KNOW this is not going as it should.
The sleeping issues are resolved. We're now working on the eating. Trying to get him to try new things and be less dependent on formula. At 9 1/2 months I feel he should be learning more, but I could be wrong. He's all over the house, crawling and standing and walking around the coffee table. He babbles and sometimes says things that sound like words, but I can't be sure.
Two days ago I said to him 'you've got boogers in your nose!' and he said 'booga'. He's said it a few times since but I think he's just learning to put some of the sounds he knows together. I would hate to think one of his first words was actually booger.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
what?
No visit again this week.
That makes two weeks in a row there's been no call from the CM or the case aide and no visit with MGM.
What a wonderful transition.............
Is it really all that evil for me to be hoping something happened to MGM? Nothing catastrophic, just something enough to make her, well, go away.
I used to hope she'd be ruled out or give up. Then I just started hoping the boy would have a good life no matter where he ended-up. That he would become a wonderful man some day and that I could smile hoping my little contribution helped to shape the rest of his days.
Now I'm back to hoping on the first thing.
That makes two weeks in a row there's been no call from the CM or the case aide and no visit with MGM.
What a wonderful transition.............
Is it really all that evil for me to be hoping something happened to MGM? Nothing catastrophic, just something enough to make her, well, go away.
I used to hope she'd be ruled out or give up. Then I just started hoping the boy would have a good life no matter where he ended-up. That he would become a wonderful man some day and that I could smile hoping my little contribution helped to shape the rest of his days.
Now I'm back to hoping on the first thing.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Limbo and Cherios
Thanks for the assvice.....
Friday night I put him to bed as I used to. No muss, no fuss. Just a bath, small rock in the recliner in his room in the dark while singing, then in to the crib you go. I knew he was tired, so after about 2 minutes of crying he was asleep.
Woo hoo, right?
Nuh Uh.
About an hour later, up crying. Standing in his crib. Then screaming. Went in, told him no, it was time to sleep, layed him back down, left again. This went on for 1.5 hours. Thank goodness my hubby was there with me, and we took turns going in every few minutes. After he started to tire, we rubbed his back a little bit to help calm him and he finally went down for good.
All night. (0:
Last night, went right to sleep. Didn't wake up until 4:45, and wouldn't go back to sleep. Tried everything, until about 6:00 I thought, well maybe he's hungry. Sure enough, sucked down 5 ounces and went right back to sleep ~ until 9:15 this morning (a new record).
So now we're on to the no eating thing. I know his appetite was bad for a bit, likely b/c of being sick and the meds. Would normally suck down 7 ounces like nothing, now barely interested in 3. But today he is more interested in formula, although not much else. Cherios. He's in to those. So it's formula and cereal and nothing else.
Aside from that, we're still living in limbo land. There was supposed to be a court hearing last Thursday to discuss his Change in Physical custody Motion to MGM. GAL called in the AM to let me know she was at court (she usually is all day) and the hearing was not on the Judge's calender. Wasn't sure why, but said not to worry b/c she submitted a written response to the motion voicing her concerns with the lack of transition. She does not believe the Judge will sign off on it, but wanted me to keep in close contact with her on the visitation or any communications with the CM.
There was no visit last week. None. Not even a phone call.
I just don't get it.
Friday night I put him to bed as I used to. No muss, no fuss. Just a bath, small rock in the recliner in his room in the dark while singing, then in to the crib you go. I knew he was tired, so after about 2 minutes of crying he was asleep.
Woo hoo, right?
Nuh Uh.
About an hour later, up crying. Standing in his crib. Then screaming. Went in, told him no, it was time to sleep, layed him back down, left again. This went on for 1.5 hours. Thank goodness my hubby was there with me, and we took turns going in every few minutes. After he started to tire, we rubbed his back a little bit to help calm him and he finally went down for good.
All night. (0:
Last night, went right to sleep. Didn't wake up until 4:45, and wouldn't go back to sleep. Tried everything, until about 6:00 I thought, well maybe he's hungry. Sure enough, sucked down 5 ounces and went right back to sleep ~ until 9:15 this morning (a new record).
So now we're on to the no eating thing. I know his appetite was bad for a bit, likely b/c of being sick and the meds. Would normally suck down 7 ounces like nothing, now barely interested in 3. But today he is more interested in formula, although not much else. Cherios. He's in to those. So it's formula and cereal and nothing else.
Aside from that, we're still living in limbo land. There was supposed to be a court hearing last Thursday to discuss his Change in Physical custody Motion to MGM. GAL called in the AM to let me know she was at court (she usually is all day) and the hearing was not on the Judge's calender. Wasn't sure why, but said not to worry b/c she submitted a written response to the motion voicing her concerns with the lack of transition. She does not believe the Judge will sign off on it, but wanted me to keep in close contact with her on the visitation or any communications with the CM.
There was no visit last week. None. Not even a phone call.
I just don't get it.
Friday, February 15, 2008
ASSVICE
Soliciting some assvice as I am running out of ideas~
For the last few weeks, the boy has been having difficulty sleeping. Nap times were still pretty ok, but at night he suddenly needed to be put to sleep instead of getting him drowsy and then putting him in his crib to go to sleep on his own.
It can take upwards of an hour to get him down. We'll rock him, then the minute you try and put him in the crib he starts crying.
Tried crying it out, but his instinct when no one responds within about a minute is to stand up in his crib. Then he is more awake then before and you're starting at the beginning, only he's that much more sensitive.
He has to be COMPLETELY asleep before you put him in the crib. And even then there is a strategy involved for the least amount of movement possible.
And after that, he's up at least once a night. And then it takes going through the entire above process to get him back down.
It's like he's completely lost the ability to self soothe. right now he's sick so I know that's taking a toll. He doesn't want to eat and the formula isn't as filling as food (plus he usually takes 7 ounces and is currently only taking 3-4 at a time). He's also stuffed up and breathing through his mouth, with makes him thirsty. So the digression back to the 2AM feeding is ok, I understand what could be causing it.
But the changes in GOING to sleep and STAYING asleep started before getting sick.
Any advice would be appreciated. I am started to get worn out and tired!!! I myself have been sick, which is making my patience even thinner~
For the last few weeks, the boy has been having difficulty sleeping. Nap times were still pretty ok, but at night he suddenly needed to be put to sleep instead of getting him drowsy and then putting him in his crib to go to sleep on his own.
It can take upwards of an hour to get him down. We'll rock him, then the minute you try and put him in the crib he starts crying.
Tried crying it out, but his instinct when no one responds within about a minute is to stand up in his crib. Then he is more awake then before and you're starting at the beginning, only he's that much more sensitive.
He has to be COMPLETELY asleep before you put him in the crib. And even then there is a strategy involved for the least amount of movement possible.
And after that, he's up at least once a night. And then it takes going through the entire above process to get him back down.
It's like he's completely lost the ability to self soothe. right now he's sick so I know that's taking a toll. He doesn't want to eat and the formula isn't as filling as food (plus he usually takes 7 ounces and is currently only taking 3-4 at a time). He's also stuffed up and breathing through his mouth, with makes him thirsty. So the digression back to the 2AM feeding is ok, I understand what could be causing it.
But the changes in GOING to sleep and STAYING asleep started before getting sick.
Any advice would be appreciated. I am started to get worn out and tired!!! I myself have been sick, which is making my patience even thinner~
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Oh where to start this post. Guess we'll cover one thing at a time ~ NOT in any order.
First off, thank you for all the well wished about my other dad. He's doing a-maz-ing right now. AMAZING. He's breathing entirely on his own, which means the collapsed lung is healing itself. Also means the flailing ribs on that side may have re-aligned themselves, otherwise they would still be poking him and making breathing too uncomfortable. His hip surgery went well. His foot/leg/ankle surgery is scheduled for Thursday, which will be big b/c that's the only thing they aren't positive they can fix. There's been talk of possible amputation.......
My correspondance with the GAL continued and she let me know last week the state filed a Change in Physical Custody for the boy to go to his MGM. This was the response to the request for increased visits. Neat, huh.
GAL stated she had concerns and a court hearing is set for Thursday. My mom will come over to sit and I will attend.
If MGM is appropriate, then great. But where's the transition? This is also the GAL's concern. We're asking for increased visitation for at least two weeks before he is placed in her custody.
I went to San Diego over the weekend - Friday night to Sunday - to visit my brother on his ship. He's the Chief Engineer on a Sea Lift Command ship. The thing is HUGE. Anyhoo, it was a test for both the baby and my husband as they have not been left alone together for any major period of time.
The boy was cranky, finiky about eating, and up several times a night. I believe this is a good indicator of the issues he will face when moved to MGM home. He knows my husband, but is dependent upon me for most things. Same with MGM. He reached for her right off the bat at the last visit (made me feel better that he at least appears to recognize her). But that's just play time and you look like you could entertain me. Not all the other stuff. So we'll see.
I was initially heartbroken, having to try and block out the thought of him going because the smallest thing would make me cry. I even had to text my best friend to tell her he would be leaving because I still can't talk about it. After getting the GAL's email about the filing of the CPC, I spent the night crying and having nightmares.
Over the weekend, my mother was telling someone else about the baby and I had to excuse myself.
What makes it more difficult is everyone's reaction that it isn't right for him to go, that he's attached to me, that I'm a great mom to him, that he's such a wonderfull little boy, etc.
I finally told my mom to stop talking about it.
I realize this will be hard on everyone because he IS such a great baby and everyone loves him. But I seriously don't give a shit at the moment. I am still trying to process it in my own head, much less spend any time trying to counsel others about it.
At the same time, I am starting to wonder what will come next. Or who will come next. What will the next child be like? A baby or a 3 year old? Boy or girl? What will their story be? Will it be long-term or just for a little while?
And then I think about how long I will be able to do this. How long can I risk this succession of children in and out of my life? I know it's just been the one, but still. Fostering to adopt is a risky business. I knew this going in. But now that the first crack is ripping through my heart, I'm not so sure I can continue this risk.
But what's the alternative? Now that I've gotten my foot in the door of parenting, could I step back out to go on an adoption waiting list?
I'm tired people. Tired of feeling as though infertilty and this struggle are some strange atonement for all the things I did bad in my life. Tired of feeling like I am always climbing uphill.
Ever have those fleeting dreams about walking away from your life? I'm having them a lot lately. Just disappearing and starting over somewhere completely different. Would the story line be the same?
First off, thank you for all the well wished about my other dad. He's doing a-maz-ing right now. AMAZING. He's breathing entirely on his own, which means the collapsed lung is healing itself. Also means the flailing ribs on that side may have re-aligned themselves, otherwise they would still be poking him and making breathing too uncomfortable. His hip surgery went well. His foot/leg/ankle surgery is scheduled for Thursday, which will be big b/c that's the only thing they aren't positive they can fix. There's been talk of possible amputation.......
My correspondance with the GAL continued and she let me know last week the state filed a Change in Physical Custody for the boy to go to his MGM. This was the response to the request for increased visits. Neat, huh.
GAL stated she had concerns and a court hearing is set for Thursday. My mom will come over to sit and I will attend.
If MGM is appropriate, then great. But where's the transition? This is also the GAL's concern. We're asking for increased visitation for at least two weeks before he is placed in her custody.
I went to San Diego over the weekend - Friday night to Sunday - to visit my brother on his ship. He's the Chief Engineer on a Sea Lift Command ship. The thing is HUGE. Anyhoo, it was a test for both the baby and my husband as they have not been left alone together for any major period of time.
The boy was cranky, finiky about eating, and up several times a night. I believe this is a good indicator of the issues he will face when moved to MGM home. He knows my husband, but is dependent upon me for most things. Same with MGM. He reached for her right off the bat at the last visit (made me feel better that he at least appears to recognize her). But that's just play time and you look like you could entertain me. Not all the other stuff. So we'll see.
I was initially heartbroken, having to try and block out the thought of him going because the smallest thing would make me cry. I even had to text my best friend to tell her he would be leaving because I still can't talk about it. After getting the GAL's email about the filing of the CPC, I spent the night crying and having nightmares.
Over the weekend, my mother was telling someone else about the baby and I had to excuse myself.
What makes it more difficult is everyone's reaction that it isn't right for him to go, that he's attached to me, that I'm a great mom to him, that he's such a wonderfull little boy, etc.
I finally told my mom to stop talking about it.
I realize this will be hard on everyone because he IS such a great baby and everyone loves him. But I seriously don't give a shit at the moment. I am still trying to process it in my own head, much less spend any time trying to counsel others about it.
At the same time, I am starting to wonder what will come next. Or who will come next. What will the next child be like? A baby or a 3 year old? Boy or girl? What will their story be? Will it be long-term or just for a little while?
And then I think about how long I will be able to do this. How long can I risk this succession of children in and out of my life? I know it's just been the one, but still. Fostering to adopt is a risky business. I knew this going in. But now that the first crack is ripping through my heart, I'm not so sure I can continue this risk.
But what's the alternative? Now that I've gotten my foot in the door of parenting, could I step back out to go on an adoption waiting list?
I'm tired people. Tired of feeling as though infertilty and this struggle are some strange atonement for all the things I did bad in my life. Tired of feeling like I am always climbing uphill.
Ever have those fleeting dreams about walking away from your life? I'm having them a lot lately. Just disappearing and starting over somewhere completely different. Would the story line be the same?
Saturday, February 02, 2008
His humor is still intact, even if his body is not.
The first surgery went well. He had the broken arm fixed, a pin put in his hand, and a strange contraption attached to his badly broken right leg. It is supposed to slowly pull the leg apart so that the circulation can continue and so when they finally get in there and try to put his ankle and the bottom of his leg back together there's a little more room.
Still on the ventilator, but the collar is off. He was cleared of any neck or back injury that would be a threat. Still think he may have fractured a vertabrae or two, but think they will heal without intervention.
Yesterday was a pretty bad day for him as they had to take a lot of x-rays. All the josteling around is painfull. They also inserted a feeding tube, only to discover in the evening it was not positioned correctly. The fluids were backing up and not running through as they should. Just one more painfull experience.
This morning they will insert a dye and have to re-do the tube while watching on a monitor.
He wrote on a paper 'glowing', making a joke about all the radiation. Each morning he wants to know what day it is and why he can't talk. Seems the most aggrivating thing is the ventilator; I know he wants to talk and ask questions, but also nods when asked if it hurts. It is a miracle of all the things, his right arm and hand are in perfect working order. I think being able to write is keeping him going. He's known for asking a lot of questions about EVERYTHING.
I remember the one time I went to Disneyland he asked me if I went on this ride, saw this area, etc. for about 15 minutes. Whenever you have a decision to make, he's a great sounding board. Whenever you don't want his opinion, it's not so fun! When he is able to talk, the nurses and doctors will have their hands full......
I told him the Suns lost and he rolled his eyes and made a thumbs down.
Until that moment, I had been keeping it together fairly well, knowing I needed to be the rock for my best friend - who is prone to anxiety on a normal day. When he reacted to the Suns losing, I realized he's still in there. He's still Dad, just a really messed up version. But it's still him. And after a really good cry, I felt a lot better.
Now the worry (for me) turns to all the things to come. Finances, where Mom will stay, how she's doing, who will watch my friend's daughter, who will feed the pets.... All the things in life that will continue while Dad and Mom are on hold.
They are still estimating a month in the hospital, and then there will be lots and lots of rehab.
Thank you for all your well wishes. It means a lot. It all seems easier to lay it all out in the blog then to actually vocalize with anyone. Even though I have let many of my friends and family know what's happening, I haven't spoken with any of them or provided any details. I know some of them will find them here!
I hope you all are well and I'll likely be checking in to see what you all are doing some time next week.
The first surgery went well. He had the broken arm fixed, a pin put in his hand, and a strange contraption attached to his badly broken right leg. It is supposed to slowly pull the leg apart so that the circulation can continue and so when they finally get in there and try to put his ankle and the bottom of his leg back together there's a little more room.
Still on the ventilator, but the collar is off. He was cleared of any neck or back injury that would be a threat. Still think he may have fractured a vertabrae or two, but think they will heal without intervention.
Yesterday was a pretty bad day for him as they had to take a lot of x-rays. All the josteling around is painfull. They also inserted a feeding tube, only to discover in the evening it was not positioned correctly. The fluids were backing up and not running through as they should. Just one more painfull experience.
This morning they will insert a dye and have to re-do the tube while watching on a monitor.
He wrote on a paper 'glowing', making a joke about all the radiation. Each morning he wants to know what day it is and why he can't talk. Seems the most aggrivating thing is the ventilator; I know he wants to talk and ask questions, but also nods when asked if it hurts. It is a miracle of all the things, his right arm and hand are in perfect working order. I think being able to write is keeping him going. He's known for asking a lot of questions about EVERYTHING.
I remember the one time I went to Disneyland he asked me if I went on this ride, saw this area, etc. for about 15 minutes. Whenever you have a decision to make, he's a great sounding board. Whenever you don't want his opinion, it's not so fun! When he is able to talk, the nurses and doctors will have their hands full......
I told him the Suns lost and he rolled his eyes and made a thumbs down.
Until that moment, I had been keeping it together fairly well, knowing I needed to be the rock for my best friend - who is prone to anxiety on a normal day. When he reacted to the Suns losing, I realized he's still in there. He's still Dad, just a really messed up version. But it's still him. And after a really good cry, I felt a lot better.
Now the worry (for me) turns to all the things to come. Finances, where Mom will stay, how she's doing, who will watch my friend's daughter, who will feed the pets.... All the things in life that will continue while Dad and Mom are on hold.
They are still estimating a month in the hospital, and then there will be lots and lots of rehab.
Thank you for all your well wishes. It means a lot. It all seems easier to lay it all out in the blog then to actually vocalize with anyone. Even though I have let many of my friends and family know what's happening, I haven't spoken with any of them or provided any details. I know some of them will find them here!
I hope you all are well and I'll likely be checking in to see what you all are doing some time next week.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
My best friend's parents are like my own. Whenever things were bad at home, I went there. It was my safe haven. They call me their other daughter and I call them mom and dad.
Yesterday morning, Dad was in a bad car accident. He was outside of town driving to NM for work like he did all the time.
A semi truck had overturned in the road. Another semi had stopped to aide him. Dad didn't see either. He hit one, rolled, then hit the other.
Now he's in ICU with a shattered ankle, two broken legs, a broken pelvis, a broken hip, a broken sternum, all of his ribs are broken, the ones on the right obliterated, a collapsed lung, an arm broken in two places, and a broken hand. We aren't sure about his spine yet, but he can move his fingers and toes.
His heart is good and his head is good. His head is REALLY good. Today he was aware, writing questions, holding our hands, even making a joke about needing his granddaughter's boo boo buddy.
He is just so so so broken.
His first surgery was this morning and it went well. They are worried they may have to amputate his foot if the ankle isn't repairable. They are worried about pneumonia. They are worried about a lot of things.
So whatever higher power you find yourself turning to for advisement, ask for a little help here. I don't think we would survive without him.
Yesterday morning, Dad was in a bad car accident. He was outside of town driving to NM for work like he did all the time.
A semi truck had overturned in the road. Another semi had stopped to aide him. Dad didn't see either. He hit one, rolled, then hit the other.
Now he's in ICU with a shattered ankle, two broken legs, a broken pelvis, a broken hip, a broken sternum, all of his ribs are broken, the ones on the right obliterated, a collapsed lung, an arm broken in two places, and a broken hand. We aren't sure about his spine yet, but he can move his fingers and toes.
His heart is good and his head is good. His head is REALLY good. Today he was aware, writing questions, holding our hands, even making a joke about needing his granddaughter's boo boo buddy.
He is just so so so broken.
His first surgery was this morning and it went well. They are worried they may have to amputate his foot if the ankle isn't repairable. They are worried about pneumonia. They are worried about a lot of things.
So whatever higher power you find yourself turning to for advisement, ask for a little help here. I don't think we would survive without him.
Friday, January 25, 2008
where's the motivation?
I appreciate every one's words of wisdom and comfort. It prompted me to take some action. Well, that and a conversation with the case aide that transports the boy to and from his visits~
Last week I asked her to check with the MGM what she still needed for the baby. I received a clothing allowance and although it's more then spent over the last 6 months, I would purchase an exersaucer if she didn't have one. He loves his and I figured it could be considered a non-necessity. Plus, they have tons of them as the used store for so cheap and I have time to shop....
Case aide comes back from the visit and informs me MGM has nothing. NOTHING. She commented MGM said she wasn't sure when or if he was coming so she hadn't invested yet.
This stemmed two thoughts. One, she's not particularly motivated. Two, the case manager isn't being forthright with anyone.
She told me he was going as soon as MGM got back on her feet after the fire. She now has her rental home and according to the kids (her other kids living with her whom I speak with at the visits and ask small questions) said they have replaced pretty much everything.
So what's the deal???
I sent an e-mail to the GAL asking her to call. I told her what I knew and that there hasn't been any real increase in visitation. There wasn't even a visit this week.
I asked if the possibility of an 'open' adoption had even been discussed. Has anyone thought to ask MGM if she would like to be a grandma and not a new mom?? GAL heard me out, agreed with my concerns, and plans to call not only the CM, but the MGM's atty.
Oh, yeah, she has an attorney because SHE had an open case with the baby's mom. You know, because her boyfriend was admittedly molesting her. Don't even get me started down this path.
Now I'm waiting to see what the GAL has to say after talking to the other parties. This will probably not happen for a week with all the phone tag, but she's on it. Having co-workers who worked with her before, I know she will follow-up.
At the end of the day, no matter how much I want to keep my little boy, if he's going to MGM I want it to be as smooth a transition as possible. Let's do SOMETHING. There is no reason this case is not moving in some direction.
Oh, and to add to the irritation, I called the case aide this morning to see if I forgot to write down a visit for today or something. She informed me she was out of the office Monday and Tuesday but has asked MGM to call her to schedule. She did not. Is there any motivation here or is the stupid CM pushing her to take him???
Let's hope the GAL gets somewhere. Anywhere.
Last week I asked her to check with the MGM what she still needed for the baby. I received a clothing allowance and although it's more then spent over the last 6 months, I would purchase an exersaucer if she didn't have one. He loves his and I figured it could be considered a non-necessity. Plus, they have tons of them as the used store for so cheap and I have time to shop....
Case aide comes back from the visit and informs me MGM has nothing. NOTHING. She commented MGM said she wasn't sure when or if he was coming so she hadn't invested yet.
This stemmed two thoughts. One, she's not particularly motivated. Two, the case manager isn't being forthright with anyone.
She told me he was going as soon as MGM got back on her feet after the fire. She now has her rental home and according to the kids (her other kids living with her whom I speak with at the visits and ask small questions) said they have replaced pretty much everything.
So what's the deal???
I sent an e-mail to the GAL asking her to call. I told her what I knew and that there hasn't been any real increase in visitation. There wasn't even a visit this week.
I asked if the possibility of an 'open' adoption had even been discussed. Has anyone thought to ask MGM if she would like to be a grandma and not a new mom?? GAL heard me out, agreed with my concerns, and plans to call not only the CM, but the MGM's atty.
Oh, yeah, she has an attorney because SHE had an open case with the baby's mom. You know, because her boyfriend was admittedly molesting her. Don't even get me started down this path.
Now I'm waiting to see what the GAL has to say after talking to the other parties. This will probably not happen for a week with all the phone tag, but she's on it. Having co-workers who worked with her before, I know she will follow-up.
At the end of the day, no matter how much I want to keep my little boy, if he's going to MGM I want it to be as smooth a transition as possible. Let's do SOMETHING. There is no reason this case is not moving in some direction.
Oh, and to add to the irritation, I called the case aide this morning to see if I forgot to write down a visit for today or something. She informed me she was out of the office Monday and Tuesday but has asked MGM to call her to schedule. She did not. Is there any motivation here or is the stupid CM pushing her to take him???
Let's hope the GAL gets somewhere. Anywhere.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Monday, January 21, 2008
Cracking
There has been some chatter on other blogs about foster care issues, including motivation, kinship care, severance, and the rules. Although I have probably commented on each of these, I have been struggling with my own family and friends on some of these issues. Now I will rant about them a little bit here~
My parents are unable to understand that the boy will go to his grandmother. My father is the more vocal in his resistance, and frequently points out MGM already has a lot of her plate. Her home just burned down, she has three kids with her (baby's mom is her fourth but AWOL), she is a single parent, she is illegal, and the list would go on and on.
This is not at all uncommon; I heard this all before as a case manager.
It is hard to tell people that MGM should get him because she's family. Yes, she's struggling. Yes, he will take a monetary step down as she is a single parent. Yes, we could provide so much more to him in so many areas. Yes, she is his family and we are not.
All of this is so reasonable in my head. It's my heart that cries out BULLSHIT HE's MINE!!!
I also feel this enormous weight and there isn't even an ETA for him leaving yet. I am questioning more and more if I can continue this path of fostering. We are hoping to adopt here, so it is so difficult to fall in love with this little boy and then have him leave seven or so months later.
And yes, I knew this going into it. We took this route because I knew the system.
But as with everything, it's just not the same once you're all the way in it...
We talk about the next kids, but what if it's the same thing all over again. How many cracks can you make in a heart before it breaks?
I often think if we had our own children it would be easier because we wouldn't be looking so desperately for that family completion. When the boy leaves, the house is empty. And yet I know this is not the case as so many of the families I worked with grieved at the loss of their foster kids - right along side their biological children.
Needless to say I am feeling quite glum. I am working on this scrapbook for him to take, doing mental inventory of his things, sorting out what we will send and what we will keep for the next child/ren to come along. Trying to figure out how to convey all the things they will need to know so he is as understood as he is here. Where to tickle him. When to stop tickling. What that cry means, or that facial expression. The face I make when he's crying to make him laugh. The song I hum as I rock him when he's so sleepy he can't settle down.
There are no answers, really. I think that's what frustrates me the most. There is no right answer, no solution, no real words of comfort that will ease my pain. It just is what it is.
* I love accessories. Matching earrings, necklace, bracelet, purse, shoes. Of course, not so much at the moment as I am home all the time and the boy would try to eat any jewelry, but 'normally' I can't get enough.
My parents are unable to understand that the boy will go to his grandmother. My father is the more vocal in his resistance, and frequently points out MGM already has a lot of her plate. Her home just burned down, she has three kids with her (baby's mom is her fourth but AWOL), she is a single parent, she is illegal, and the list would go on and on.
This is not at all uncommon; I heard this all before as a case manager.
It is hard to tell people that MGM should get him because she's family. Yes, she's struggling. Yes, he will take a monetary step down as she is a single parent. Yes, we could provide so much more to him in so many areas. Yes, she is his family and we are not.
All of this is so reasonable in my head. It's my heart that cries out BULLSHIT HE's MINE!!!
I also feel this enormous weight and there isn't even an ETA for him leaving yet. I am questioning more and more if I can continue this path of fostering. We are hoping to adopt here, so it is so difficult to fall in love with this little boy and then have him leave seven or so months later.
And yes, I knew this going into it. We took this route because I knew the system.
But as with everything, it's just not the same once you're all the way in it...
We talk about the next kids, but what if it's the same thing all over again. How many cracks can you make in a heart before it breaks?
I often think if we had our own children it would be easier because we wouldn't be looking so desperately for that family completion. When the boy leaves, the house is empty. And yet I know this is not the case as so many of the families I worked with grieved at the loss of their foster kids - right along side their biological children.
Needless to say I am feeling quite glum. I am working on this scrapbook for him to take, doing mental inventory of his things, sorting out what we will send and what we will keep for the next child/ren to come along. Trying to figure out how to convey all the things they will need to know so he is as understood as he is here. Where to tickle him. When to stop tickling. What that cry means, or that facial expression. The face I make when he's crying to make him laugh. The song I hum as I rock him when he's so sleepy he can't settle down.
There are no answers, really. I think that's what frustrates me the most. There is no right answer, no solution, no real words of comfort that will ease my pain. It just is what it is.
* I love accessories. Matching earrings, necklace, bracelet, purse, shoes. Of course, not so much at the moment as I am home all the time and the boy would try to eat any jewelry, but 'normally' I can't get enough.
Friday, January 18, 2008
to drug or not to drug....
I am happy to see some new peeps checking me out (haha). I am also happy to see some 'old' peeps still sticking around to see what happens next~
I took the boy in for his 6 month shots; yes, we were very late getting these as he is now 8 months, but oh well.
Anyhoo, he's been on a no eating kick for a bit. First there was the issue I wrote about talking with his mouth full and spraying food everywhere. Then the tide changed. He started straightening out his little body stiff as a board when I tried to put him in the high chair, followed by whining and crying, though not always with tears. Then he would open his mouth for food only to spit it right back out 2 seconds after I got it in there. This was a test in patience.
After the third go of this, I decided to hell with it. He still gets his bottles so he's not starving to death by any means. I figured we'd ride it out and see what happened.
Back to the pediatrician....... She checks and says he MIGHT have an ear infection, it's too hard to tell. This could be the reasoning behind his not wanting to eat.
This brings up two things for me.
ONE - it's not as though he lost his appetite. He was chugging formula like no body's business. It appeared to me to be the desire for instant gratification. I am hungry now so I want a bottle now, not this food crap that takes awhile and doesn't satisfy me in thirty seconds or less.
TWO - she wrote a prescription for antibiotics. Antibiotics for a maybe ear infection. hmmmm. Not a fan.
After discussion with hubs, vote was no meds. Instead, will monitor his behavior and see how he does, and even then look for a homeopathic solution before heading down the drug highway.
Day after the appointment, AND four shots, he's fine. Eating like a pig again.
What are your thoughts on meds for wee ones? Or anyone for that matter? I myself am asthmatic and have major allergies. I was on steroids for years and years as a child, resulting in discolored teeth and an adult infatuation with all things natural. I still pop aspirin and use an inhaler, but ran into this mental block when it came to getting this prescription filled for the baby.
I have decided to put a small thing about myself at the bottom of each post. I urge you to do this as well as we talk about what's happening, but it would be nice to get to know some of you, even if a little at a time.
* I took cake decorating courses. I can make flowers and things to make a cake pretty BUT I suck at baking and frosting. Makes it a little complicated.
I took the boy in for his 6 month shots; yes, we were very late getting these as he is now 8 months, but oh well.
Anyhoo, he's been on a no eating kick for a bit. First there was the issue I wrote about talking with his mouth full and spraying food everywhere. Then the tide changed. He started straightening out his little body stiff as a board when I tried to put him in the high chair, followed by whining and crying, though not always with tears. Then he would open his mouth for food only to spit it right back out 2 seconds after I got it in there. This was a test in patience.
After the third go of this, I decided to hell with it. He still gets his bottles so he's not starving to death by any means. I figured we'd ride it out and see what happened.
Back to the pediatrician....... She checks and says he MIGHT have an ear infection, it's too hard to tell. This could be the reasoning behind his not wanting to eat.
This brings up two things for me.
ONE - it's not as though he lost his appetite. He was chugging formula like no body's business. It appeared to me to be the desire for instant gratification. I am hungry now so I want a bottle now, not this food crap that takes awhile and doesn't satisfy me in thirty seconds or less.
TWO - she wrote a prescription for antibiotics. Antibiotics for a maybe ear infection. hmmmm. Not a fan.
After discussion with hubs, vote was no meds. Instead, will monitor his behavior and see how he does, and even then look for a homeopathic solution before heading down the drug highway.
Day after the appointment, AND four shots, he's fine. Eating like a pig again.
What are your thoughts on meds for wee ones? Or anyone for that matter? I myself am asthmatic and have major allergies. I was on steroids for years and years as a child, resulting in discolored teeth and an adult infatuation with all things natural. I still pop aspirin and use an inhaler, but ran into this mental block when it came to getting this prescription filled for the baby.
I have decided to put a small thing about myself at the bottom of each post. I urge you to do this as well as we talk about what's happening, but it would be nice to get to know some of you, even if a little at a time.
* I took cake decorating courses. I can make flowers and things to make a cake pretty BUT I suck at baking and frosting. Makes it a little complicated.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
I've had some questions 'on the side' from some fellow bloggers. I think it stems from some of my long-ass comments on these blogs, and maybe it's a who the f are you based question, maybe a I hadn't thought of that so how come you did based question. Either way, I figured I may as well throw some of the answers out there for anyone interested.
1. I worked for Child Protective Services in AZ for almost 7 years as a case manager. I have no idea how many families and/or children were on my case load overall, but I can tell you 90% of my cases went to severance (parental rights terminated). Majority of the cases were substance abuse and/or mental health. I only had two physical abuse cases, and a spattering of other issues. I loved a lot of 'my kids' and still keep in touch with some of them through their placements to this day, which I'm not supposed to but don't give a shit, they're MY KIDS.
2. I am adopted. From birth through a private agency. My brother is also adopted.
3. I had an abusive parent. Previously, my mom checked in on my blog from time to time so I could not put anything up about this. Even now I pause over the delete button. I worry someone will read this that speaks with her and say something about it and I don't want to deal with that. It's in the past. So if you are that person, maybe skip #3 and go directly to #4~
It was mostly emotional abuse, but physical as well, by my mother.
At one point in my life, I had to set new boundaries with her. Anyone seen the movie Mommy Dearest? That's my childhood. Took me quite a few tries to get through it - the movie. Anyhoo, I had to make a decision to either let go of what happened and get on with it, or cut her out of my life completely. With some strength of will and a few classes, I was able to re-set our relationship and now she's my biggest supporter. Instead, she treats my father like shit. However, when he complains, I remind him that he picked her. I suffered the same crap and didn't even have the option! He shuts up.
4. I have met my biological parents. Well, kind of. It's a long story for another post as it will take time to plot out in order, but the jist is I met my bio-dad (BD) first. We have nothing in common, but made a go of it none the less. Then I found out bio-mom (BM) and he were still in touch. Met her, she's a wacko. Didn't have anything to say to me. Nothing. We talked about weather and sports. I think I've had more personal discussions with people on the bus.
When infertility issues arose, I requested my one bio-cousin (the only good thing to come out of the maternal side, and she's wonderful) to check in to issues. BM told her not to butt it, that I chose to be on my own, that I should ask BD about such issues, but not before getting DNA testing (this is soooooo paraphrased). Questioned BD, who confirmed he may not be BD after all. Could get DNA testing, but it's expensive. On top of that, say he's not, then what? I have a relationship with his sister and brother and cousins and his son, my half-brother. These aren't close relationships, but they exist and I'm thankful for them.
5. I used to say that I couldn't adopt. There is still this little blackness inside me that feels it's continuing some kind of disease or cycle. I felt so detached as a child, wishing I had a 'real' family. It felt disconnected. To not have those bonds, then adopt myself, somehow felt like stretching things even more. OBVIOUSLY I have gotten past this as we are trying to adopt through foster care, but I'd be lying if I said the feeling didn't pass now and again.
We'll leave it at that for now. I hope that answers the questions (you know who you are), but if not I'm a pretty open book. Part of the purpose of this blog is the hopes I can help someone else. If there are any questions about foster care or adoption or anything, feel free to toss them my way. But beware, I am a bit of a cynic (understatement) and may be opinionated. If you're looking for a specific answer, don't ask as I may not provide what you're looking for. If you want honesty, knock yourself out!
And because it is a pretty good story if I do say so myself - which I obviously do - I will write another post on the how I found the egg and sperm donor (BM & BD).
1. I worked for Child Protective Services in AZ for almost 7 years as a case manager. I have no idea how many families and/or children were on my case load overall, but I can tell you 90% of my cases went to severance (parental rights terminated). Majority of the cases were substance abuse and/or mental health. I only had two physical abuse cases, and a spattering of other issues. I loved a lot of 'my kids' and still keep in touch with some of them through their placements to this day, which I'm not supposed to but don't give a shit, they're MY KIDS.
2. I am adopted. From birth through a private agency. My brother is also adopted.
3. I had an abusive parent. Previously, my mom checked in on my blog from time to time so I could not put anything up about this. Even now I pause over the delete button. I worry someone will read this that speaks with her and say something about it and I don't want to deal with that. It's in the past. So if you are that person, maybe skip #3 and go directly to #4~
It was mostly emotional abuse, but physical as well, by my mother.
At one point in my life, I had to set new boundaries with her. Anyone seen the movie Mommy Dearest? That's my childhood. Took me quite a few tries to get through it - the movie. Anyhoo, I had to make a decision to either let go of what happened and get on with it, or cut her out of my life completely. With some strength of will and a few classes, I was able to re-set our relationship and now she's my biggest supporter. Instead, she treats my father like shit. However, when he complains, I remind him that he picked her. I suffered the same crap and didn't even have the option! He shuts up.
4. I have met my biological parents. Well, kind of. It's a long story for another post as it will take time to plot out in order, but the jist is I met my bio-dad (BD) first. We have nothing in common, but made a go of it none the less. Then I found out bio-mom (BM) and he were still in touch. Met her, she's a wacko. Didn't have anything to say to me. Nothing. We talked about weather and sports. I think I've had more personal discussions with people on the bus.
When infertility issues arose, I requested my one bio-cousin (the only good thing to come out of the maternal side, and she's wonderful) to check in to issues. BM told her not to butt it, that I chose to be on my own, that I should ask BD about such issues, but not before getting DNA testing (this is soooooo paraphrased). Questioned BD, who confirmed he may not be BD after all. Could get DNA testing, but it's expensive. On top of that, say he's not, then what? I have a relationship with his sister and brother and cousins and his son, my half-brother. These aren't close relationships, but they exist and I'm thankful for them.
5. I used to say that I couldn't adopt. There is still this little blackness inside me that feels it's continuing some kind of disease or cycle. I felt so detached as a child, wishing I had a 'real' family. It felt disconnected. To not have those bonds, then adopt myself, somehow felt like stretching things even more. OBVIOUSLY I have gotten past this as we are trying to adopt through foster care, but I'd be lying if I said the feeling didn't pass now and again.
We'll leave it at that for now. I hope that answers the questions (you know who you are), but if not I'm a pretty open book. Part of the purpose of this blog is the hopes I can help someone else. If there are any questions about foster care or adoption or anything, feel free to toss them my way. But beware, I am a bit of a cynic (understatement) and may be opinionated. If you're looking for a specific answer, don't ask as I may not provide what you're looking for. If you want honesty, knock yourself out!
And because it is a pretty good story if I do say so myself - which I obviously do - I will write another post on the how I found the egg and sperm donor (BM & BD).
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Don't talk with your mouth full
I never in my wildest dreams imagined those words coming out of my mouth. Much less aimed at a seven month old. However, our eating habits have been taking on new hurdles as of late, the most recent, talking with his mouth full.
I believe he may have discovered normal sounds are much more interesting with a mouth full of, say green bean puree. And really, who cares if making these new funkified noises causes said beans to spray all over the chair, table, clothes, and more importantly, the mamma.
Thank god for oxyclean.
Other milestones include the cutting of a second tooth on the bottom, right next to the first. On a side note regarding this tooth cutting business, those suckers are ridiculously sharp! I have been bitten by children before, but nothing prepared me for the bite from Mr. 3/4 and 1/2 teeth. Razors I tell you! One bite lasting maybe two seconds almost broke the skin on my finger..... but back to the other developments (literally)~
He is scooting all over the place, most often through the kitchen. I believe I mentioned it before but I will again because of it's high importance, you do not feel any dirtier then you do after looking at the front side of a baby who has been crawling around on your tile floor. Add a dog with tons of black hair, unfinished landscaping outside, and general laziness of one stay at home mom to go through the motions of mopping all that floor, and you've got yourself one nasty looking kid.....
He is sitting up on his own, although frequently falls over usually face first.
The dog has grown tired of this thing that takes up all of our attention as acts up. He will lay on you, or in front of you, to block you from that drooling thing who has taken his place as the most important member of the family. He will paw at the baby wanting to play. I mean, it's only fair since he grabbed my tail first and tried to bite my leg, isn't it??
He will crawl to you if you motion and say 'come here', which we both laugh at because we sound like we're calling the dog. Here again, we fully realize much of the dog's anxiety can be linked directly back to us and our verbiage. Key words like 'come here', 'out', and 'food', used to be aimed at four legged. Now they are used to get baby to crawl, see if he wants out of the exersaucer, or invite him to breakfast or lunch.
Poor puppy.
I have completed two scrapbook pages for him, both taking wayyyyyyyy too much time. I need to be a little less anal when it comes to the projects, especially those I will never see again like the boy's scrapbook.
He continues to visit with his grandmother at the CPS offfice while she gets herself back together at the rental home her insurance company reportedly set her up in. The CM needs to check out the home so visits can take place there, but by that time I think the visits will be mute and the boy will move for good.
In all honesty, I try to talk about him leaving as much as possible to others as a way to continually remind myself the great loss I am about to suffer. We are about to suffer. My husband will be just as upset, ok, maybe not equally as devastated as me because I am with him all the time but this is just my opinion..... My parents are attached and even our friend's kids. It will be hard. But it's been wonderful, too, having this beautiful boy in our lives. There are days I wish he'd been ugly, or a cry baby, or never smiled. Then it might be easier.
I believe he may have discovered normal sounds are much more interesting with a mouth full of, say green bean puree. And really, who cares if making these new funkified noises causes said beans to spray all over the chair, table, clothes, and more importantly, the mamma.
Thank god for oxyclean.
Other milestones include the cutting of a second tooth on the bottom, right next to the first. On a side note regarding this tooth cutting business, those suckers are ridiculously sharp! I have been bitten by children before, but nothing prepared me for the bite from Mr. 3/4 and 1/2 teeth. Razors I tell you! One bite lasting maybe two seconds almost broke the skin on my finger..... but back to the other developments (literally)~
He is scooting all over the place, most often through the kitchen. I believe I mentioned it before but I will again because of it's high importance, you do not feel any dirtier then you do after looking at the front side of a baby who has been crawling around on your tile floor. Add a dog with tons of black hair, unfinished landscaping outside, and general laziness of one stay at home mom to go through the motions of mopping all that floor, and you've got yourself one nasty looking kid.....
He is sitting up on his own, although frequently falls over usually face first.
The dog has grown tired of this thing that takes up all of our attention as acts up. He will lay on you, or in front of you, to block you from that drooling thing who has taken his place as the most important member of the family. He will paw at the baby wanting to play. I mean, it's only fair since he grabbed my tail first and tried to bite my leg, isn't it??
He will crawl to you if you motion and say 'come here', which we both laugh at because we sound like we're calling the dog. Here again, we fully realize much of the dog's anxiety can be linked directly back to us and our verbiage. Key words like 'come here', 'out', and 'food', used to be aimed at four legged. Now they are used to get baby to crawl, see if he wants out of the exersaucer, or invite him to breakfast or lunch.
Poor puppy.
I have completed two scrapbook pages for him, both taking wayyyyyyyy too much time. I need to be a little less anal when it comes to the projects, especially those I will never see again like the boy's scrapbook.
He continues to visit with his grandmother at the CPS offfice while she gets herself back together at the rental home her insurance company reportedly set her up in. The CM needs to check out the home so visits can take place there, but by that time I think the visits will be mute and the boy will move for good.
In all honesty, I try to talk about him leaving as much as possible to others as a way to continually remind myself the great loss I am about to suffer. We are about to suffer. My husband will be just as upset, ok, maybe not equally as devastated as me because I am with him all the time but this is just my opinion..... My parents are attached and even our friend's kids. It will be hard. But it's been wonderful, too, having this beautiful boy in our lives. There are days I wish he'd been ugly, or a cry baby, or never smiled. Then it might be easier.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
the cure
Who new taking a sick baby out into the frigid winter night could be a cure?
The boy got sick right after I did.... of course. Staying home with a baby while you're sick, it's a fairly good bet you'll pass it along. At first, he seemed to just get a little of what I had with a runny nose and a little fever. Didn't last long, but then showed signs of lingering, metamorphosing into another strain altogether.
Got to the point he's coughing himself awake at night and during naps, which is leading to a crib phobia. He has been sleeping through the night for a few months, and taking good naps without much fuss. The past week, he cries when you put him down, cries when he wakes, and is up several times a night.
As a parent it is difficult to see your child hurting like this. But alas, there is nothing you can do. A little Tylenol for the fever, TLC for everything else. You cannot give any other medications to a 7 month old. So you hope each morning this day is better then the last and keep the TLC coming.
So when invited to go out to a local Christmas light celebration (booths and lights everywhere for about a month), your initial reaction is to pass b/c baby isn't feeling well. You then take note that although said baby is still coughing and has a runny nose, he appears to be feeling quite fine, actually. Thus deciding to risk it and go knowing he will love the lights and the people and the company of grandma and grandpa.
And he does. At first he doesn't really look up. Maybe because he's in the stroller wearing 3 layers of clothing and then covered by a thick blanket, hat, gloves that don't fit, and booties. Poor thing can barely move, much less look UP. But he likes the music and the people and the girls dancing in the amphitheatre.
And then I pick him up and carry him and all at once he spots the lights. BAM! Head goes back, eyes open wide. Mom's arm almost falls off trying to hold this uncomfortable position, but it's so amazing to see the reflection of all those lights in his little eyes that we hold it just a while longer.
He fell asleep in the car on the way home, right around when he would usually go to bed anyway. Woke up when getting his pj's on, but right back to sleep within a minute of going in the crib. Not a cough or a whimper all night.
Was it the cold air? The lights? The excitement? something snuffed out the cough and this morning we woke up bright and cheery.
Notice I said WE.
The boy got sick right after I did.... of course. Staying home with a baby while you're sick, it's a fairly good bet you'll pass it along. At first, he seemed to just get a little of what I had with a runny nose and a little fever. Didn't last long, but then showed signs of lingering, metamorphosing into another strain altogether.
Got to the point he's coughing himself awake at night and during naps, which is leading to a crib phobia. He has been sleeping through the night for a few months, and taking good naps without much fuss. The past week, he cries when you put him down, cries when he wakes, and is up several times a night.
As a parent it is difficult to see your child hurting like this. But alas, there is nothing you can do. A little Tylenol for the fever, TLC for everything else. You cannot give any other medications to a 7 month old. So you hope each morning this day is better then the last and keep the TLC coming.
So when invited to go out to a local Christmas light celebration (booths and lights everywhere for about a month), your initial reaction is to pass b/c baby isn't feeling well. You then take note that although said baby is still coughing and has a runny nose, he appears to be feeling quite fine, actually. Thus deciding to risk it and go knowing he will love the lights and the people and the company of grandma and grandpa.
And he does. At first he doesn't really look up. Maybe because he's in the stroller wearing 3 layers of clothing and then covered by a thick blanket, hat, gloves that don't fit, and booties. Poor thing can barely move, much less look UP. But he likes the music and the people and the girls dancing in the amphitheatre.
And then I pick him up and carry him and all at once he spots the lights. BAM! Head goes back, eyes open wide. Mom's arm almost falls off trying to hold this uncomfortable position, but it's so amazing to see the reflection of all those lights in his little eyes that we hold it just a while longer.
He fell asleep in the car on the way home, right around when he would usually go to bed anyway. Woke up when getting his pj's on, but right back to sleep within a minute of going in the crib. Not a cough or a whimper all night.
Was it the cold air? The lights? The excitement? something snuffed out the cough and this morning we woke up bright and cheery.
Notice I said WE.
Friday, December 21, 2007
intuition
I've discovered child intuition.
Often we hear of Mother's intuition, or sibling, but this past week and especially today have taught me about baby intuition.
After running ragged the past weekend, I came down ill Monday morning. A head cold, not the end of the world, but definitely difficult when you are caring for a seven month old more or less by yourself. Nose running, head aching, stomach turning, mouth coughing, and all whilst trying my best NOT to so much as breathe on the babe.
He has been a cranky pants all week. Today, I woke up feeling a tun better, head somewhat cleared, nose no longer in a tissue using marathon. And the boy sensed it. He has been a joy today. Laughing, babbling, smiling, snuggling. Love incarnate.
I feel better, he feels better.
Ahhhhhhhh. Aren't drugs wonderful!
And so we continue to prepare for a small Christmas, just us and the parents and my brother. We had a big party on Sunday with about 35 people, lots of kids and running around. It was wonderful. I love the holidays. I focus on all the family and friends and support we have, and how pretty everything looks, and 24 hours of a Christmas Story on TV. I try to focus on all that and leave the rest behind.
I hope you are all able to do the same~
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Cheery Holiday, and anything else you may find yourself having the celebrate this season. May the families we have be healthy and happy, & the families we don't be waiting just around the New Year's corner.
Often we hear of Mother's intuition, or sibling, but this past week and especially today have taught me about baby intuition.
After running ragged the past weekend, I came down ill Monday morning. A head cold, not the end of the world, but definitely difficult when you are caring for a seven month old more or less by yourself. Nose running, head aching, stomach turning, mouth coughing, and all whilst trying my best NOT to so much as breathe on the babe.
He has been a cranky pants all week. Today, I woke up feeling a tun better, head somewhat cleared, nose no longer in a tissue using marathon. And the boy sensed it. He has been a joy today. Laughing, babbling, smiling, snuggling. Love incarnate.
I feel better, he feels better.
Ahhhhhhhh. Aren't drugs wonderful!
And so we continue to prepare for a small Christmas, just us and the parents and my brother. We had a big party on Sunday with about 35 people, lots of kids and running around. It was wonderful. I love the holidays. I focus on all the family and friends and support we have, and how pretty everything looks, and 24 hours of a Christmas Story on TV. I try to focus on all that and leave the rest behind.
I hope you are all able to do the same~
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Cheery Holiday, and anything else you may find yourself having the celebrate this season. May the families we have be healthy and happy, & the families we don't be waiting just around the New Year's corner.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
I saw, I spoke, I wait
I met with the GAL at the courthouse. She was very nice and appeared genuinely interested with what I had to bring to the table.
She immediately asked me what I had done to piss off the cm's supervisor. When I asked why, she stated she questioned the cm on her lack of communication with the foster mother. She reported her supervisor had instructed her NOT to provide any detailed information to the foster home. Guess I wasn't so far off base. I briefly told the GAL about that situation, so now she understands where I'm coming from.
She confirmed there were people living in the home that shouldn't have been and she gave warning to the cm this needed to be addressed. She let me know they were planning on allowing the 13 year old daughter to take care of the baby while the mgm was at work. She told them no way, no how, and that appropriate daycare will be utilized.
So basically, she seems on top of it.
I know the boy will be going with MGM, I just want to make sure all his needs are going to be met and we make it as smooth a transition as possible. GAL in agreement and requested visitation be bumped up ASAP. I mean, if mgm is all that and more, then why are they still supervised in the first place??
Ahhhh. Time to let this one go. For now.
I am now focusing on Christmas, most specifically making stockings. God forbid I do anything so easy as just purchasing them. Any ideas? I purchased a bunch of felt and found a few patterns online. I have a bunch of sequins and beads and 'stuff' and am waiting for inspiration.
She immediately asked me what I had done to piss off the cm's supervisor. When I asked why, she stated she questioned the cm on her lack of communication with the foster mother. She reported her supervisor had instructed her NOT to provide any detailed information to the foster home. Guess I wasn't so far off base. I briefly told the GAL about that situation, so now she understands where I'm coming from.
She confirmed there were people living in the home that shouldn't have been and she gave warning to the cm this needed to be addressed. She let me know they were planning on allowing the 13 year old daughter to take care of the baby while the mgm was at work. She told them no way, no how, and that appropriate daycare will be utilized.
So basically, she seems on top of it.
I know the boy will be going with MGM, I just want to make sure all his needs are going to be met and we make it as smooth a transition as possible. GAL in agreement and requested visitation be bumped up ASAP. I mean, if mgm is all that and more, then why are they still supervised in the first place??
Ahhhh. Time to let this one go. For now.
I am now focusing on Christmas, most specifically making stockings. God forbid I do anything so easy as just purchasing them. Any ideas? I purchased a bunch of felt and found a few patterns online. I have a bunch of sequins and beads and 'stuff' and am waiting for inspiration.
Friday, November 30, 2007
the line has broken
To say it has been difficult to take off my case manager hat in order to don the foster mom hat would be an understatement. It's been hell. Almost impossible to stop thinking the way you have been for almost sever years. To suddenly be on the outside. I knew it would be hard, but had to be done in order to best serve my new role without pissing off every case manager I ended-up working with. This being our first foster child, I have been extra good, keeping my mouth shut and only offering up minimal suggestions to benefit the midget.
And yet I've been shut out.
The case manager has responded to the 3 e-mails I have sent her over the past 4.5 months. I have not actually seen or spoken to her since she dropped the boy off in July. That's ok. He's doing well, has no special needs, nothing I really need her assistance with. She had informed me the MGM (maternal grandmother) was being considered for placement. OK. Now we start thinking along those lines, knowing the heartache that will occur when he goes, but at least we know.
He has visits with MGM once per week for one hour at the CPS office. I suggested these need to increase in both time and duration, as well as moving to MGM home so he is able to familiarize himself with the new surroundings.
No response.
I requested information on what daycare situation he would be in so that we could start with some kind of transition. I was aware MGM works, thus my assumption would be some kind of daycare. I offered to start transporting him to whatever daycare she would utilize so he could get used to it (as opposed to being with me 24/7).
No response.
I requested information on the next court hearing so that I may attend and see what's happening first hand.
No response.
On Wednesday, I get a call from the CM. She informs me there was a court hearing on Monday and MGM has been approved for placement. Holding my tongue about not being told about the hearing, I only ask when she plans to increase visitation, and how much time before he goes. She states she will talk to the case aide about visits as she is the one who has been scheduling and supervising them. She states MGM has SOME THINGS TO WRAP UP so it is unlikely he will transfer to her care until January.
Right after this conversation, I check my e-mail. An old co-worker has forwarded a message sent to all of CPS from the supervisor of the midget's case manager. My co-worker has attached her own comment above the e-mail stating:
This sounds eerily like your midget's case??
The e-mail reports a family on the worker's load is in need of assistance. If anyone saw the news, on Thanksgiving day there was a house fire leaving 15 people homeless. Her family has three children and will be getting custody of their grandchild. If anyone can provide assistance or resources for assistance it would be appreciated.
In a follow-up e-mail, she stated the Red Cross will be assisting the family, however, their help is limited due to the family's legal status.
This prompts me to look up news stories on home fires on Thanksgiving as sure as shit, there it is. A picture of a burned up house with the car MGM drives to and from visits in the driveway. The article states the home owner is NOT MGM, and there were 5 adults and 8 children in the residence.
MGM has some things to wrap up.
It is at this juncture, my already thin line between foster parent and case manager snapped and my head started spinning.
How did they pass a home study with that many people in the home? How were background checks completed with no social security numbers? Why is the cm saying stupid shit like MGM has some things to wrap up with the woman is now homeless with three children and no belongings?
So I sent an e-mail to the GAL (guardian ad litem - atty who represents the child's best interests) voicing my concerns and apologizing if I was overstepping any boundaries. She agreed to meet with me at the court house between hearings on Monday.
As a last note, I know exactly why the cm is blocking me out. Her supervisor and I used to work together. Without going into detail, she did some shady stuff - providing case information on one of my cases to an opposing attorney. She was written up and told to take some time off, but that was it. And now she's a supervisor. Yeah, welcome to THE SYSTEM.
I'm pretty sure once she knew who the baby was getting placed with she had a talk with her worker. Whatever. Little does she know I also know how to work a room and will plant a big bug in the GAL's ear about the entire situation.
And did I mention I got the dirt on the GAL from another co-worker? I already know exactly what buttons to push to get my point across.
And yet I've been shut out.
The case manager has responded to the 3 e-mails I have sent her over the past 4.5 months. I have not actually seen or spoken to her since she dropped the boy off in July. That's ok. He's doing well, has no special needs, nothing I really need her assistance with. She had informed me the MGM (maternal grandmother) was being considered for placement. OK. Now we start thinking along those lines, knowing the heartache that will occur when he goes, but at least we know.
He has visits with MGM once per week for one hour at the CPS office. I suggested these need to increase in both time and duration, as well as moving to MGM home so he is able to familiarize himself with the new surroundings.
No response.
I requested information on what daycare situation he would be in so that we could start with some kind of transition. I was aware MGM works, thus my assumption would be some kind of daycare. I offered to start transporting him to whatever daycare she would utilize so he could get used to it (as opposed to being with me 24/7).
No response.
I requested information on the next court hearing so that I may attend and see what's happening first hand.
No response.
On Wednesday, I get a call from the CM. She informs me there was a court hearing on Monday and MGM has been approved for placement. Holding my tongue about not being told about the hearing, I only ask when she plans to increase visitation, and how much time before he goes. She states she will talk to the case aide about visits as she is the one who has been scheduling and supervising them. She states MGM has SOME THINGS TO WRAP UP so it is unlikely he will transfer to her care until January.
Right after this conversation, I check my e-mail. An old co-worker has forwarded a message sent to all of CPS from the supervisor of the midget's case manager. My co-worker has attached her own comment above the e-mail stating:
This sounds eerily like your midget's case??
The e-mail reports a family on the worker's load is in need of assistance. If anyone saw the news, on Thanksgiving day there was a house fire leaving 15 people homeless. Her family has three children and will be getting custody of their grandchild. If anyone can provide assistance or resources for assistance it would be appreciated.
In a follow-up e-mail, she stated the Red Cross will be assisting the family, however, their help is limited due to the family's legal status.
This prompts me to look up news stories on home fires on Thanksgiving as sure as shit, there it is. A picture of a burned up house with the car MGM drives to and from visits in the driveway. The article states the home owner is NOT MGM, and there were 5 adults and 8 children in the residence.
MGM has some things to wrap up.
ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS????????
It is at this juncture, my already thin line between foster parent and case manager snapped and my head started spinning.
How did they pass a home study with that many people in the home? How were background checks completed with no social security numbers? Why is the cm saying stupid shit like MGM has some things to wrap up with the woman is now homeless with three children and no belongings?
So I sent an e-mail to the GAL (guardian ad litem - atty who represents the child's best interests) voicing my concerns and apologizing if I was overstepping any boundaries. She agreed to meet with me at the court house between hearings on Monday.
As a last note, I know exactly why the cm is blocking me out. Her supervisor and I used to work together. Without going into detail, she did some shady stuff - providing case information on one of my cases to an opposing attorney. She was written up and told to take some time off, but that was it. And now she's a supervisor. Yeah, welcome to THE SYSTEM.
I'm pretty sure once she knew who the baby was getting placed with she had a talk with her worker. Whatever. Little does she know I also know how to work a room and will plant a big bug in the GAL's ear about the entire situation.
And did I mention I got the dirt on the GAL from another co-worker? I already know exactly what buttons to push to get my point across.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Houston, we have a milestone......
The boy is now up on hands AND knees, rocking like he's at a concert. Yes folks, it will not be long until the baby gates must extend, the floor must be cleaned, and the pants pulled out of the dresser (to protect those cute little knees, doncha know).
On a less exciting and more annoying note, he has also discovered how to whine. And boy does he practice. Yeesh.
I have found he is less whiny when left to his own devices - AKA ignored. This moment, he is contently in the exersaucer watching a Sesame Street sing along video, jumping and eating toys and drooling. A moment ago, I popped my head in to see how he was and the moment he spotted me the evil whining midget took over the cute smiling boy. I made a quick retreat and we are once again happy, smiling boy winning out and back in charge.
I got our first baby book, from ebay, and will be starting to fill in some pages. There are some things I will write on sticky notes, more personal things I may want to know and write in should the book stay with us, with the boy it belongs to. Otherwise the MGM will have everything she ever wanted to know about him for when he gets bigger and wants to know. I will download most of our pictures onto a disk, print some to go into the book. It's difficult because I don't want to 'waste' time and money making a cute scrapbook for him in case he goes away, but I don't want to withhold anything either. It's not his fault he's in foster care!
I know in the end my creative scrapbooking pull will likely win out and the money and time will be spent.... But don't tell my husband about that just yet.
The boy is now up on hands AND knees, rocking like he's at a concert. Yes folks, it will not be long until the baby gates must extend, the floor must be cleaned, and the pants pulled out of the dresser (to protect those cute little knees, doncha know).
On a less exciting and more annoying note, he has also discovered how to whine. And boy does he practice. Yeesh.
I have found he is less whiny when left to his own devices - AKA ignored. This moment, he is contently in the exersaucer watching a Sesame Street sing along video, jumping and eating toys and drooling. A moment ago, I popped my head in to see how he was and the moment he spotted me the evil whining midget took over the cute smiling boy. I made a quick retreat and we are once again happy, smiling boy winning out and back in charge.
I got our first baby book, from ebay, and will be starting to fill in some pages. There are some things I will write on sticky notes, more personal things I may want to know and write in should the book stay with us, with the boy it belongs to. Otherwise the MGM will have everything she ever wanted to know about him for when he gets bigger and wants to know. I will download most of our pictures onto a disk, print some to go into the book. It's difficult because I don't want to 'waste' time and money making a cute scrapbook for him in case he goes away, but I don't want to withhold anything either. It's not his fault he's in foster care!
I know in the end my creative scrapbooking pull will likely win out and the money and time will be spent.... But don't tell my husband about that just yet.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
A duck is a duck is a duck
Was anyone else disappointed in Halloween this year? I bought EIGHT bags of candy and we had a total of 10 trick or treaters. So sad. So full of candy (we can't just waste it, right??).
The boy was dressed up as a duck, waiting to expose his cuteness to door ringers, but alas, it was not to be. And not just because there weren't any~
First off, the zipper broke on the outfit. No biggie, nothing a safety pin couldn't handle.
Second, it's unseasonable hot here in Phoenix, so he was turning into a roasted duck pretty quickly.
Third, the dog thought he was a giant stuffed animal and kept trying to get him.
And the funniest part was his rigidity in the outfit. For those of you who watch 24 hours of a Christmas Story on TNT every year, you are as familiar with the classic as I am. I put the boy on the floor to move the candy bowl. He was laying there with his arm out not moving a muscle. Didn't even turn his head! Reminded me of the scene in which the little brother is in his snow clothes and can't put his arms down or move. You have to understand what I'm talking about to get the chuckle here.
Because we didn't feel we got our full $8.00 out of the duck costume, we decided to put him in it again for an encore performance with the grandparents on Friday night. He was a bit happier in it, even smiled for pictures this time. And now the duck has been retired to the box labeled 3-6 months in the closet for another child another year......
I have decided that instead of droning on and on about my infertile angst, I will focus more on stories and things regarding the midget. Another way to try and see the glass half full, and find enough to allow everyone a sip.
The boy was dressed up as a duck, waiting to expose his cuteness to door ringers, but alas, it was not to be. And not just because there weren't any~
First off, the zipper broke on the outfit. No biggie, nothing a safety pin couldn't handle.
Second, it's unseasonable hot here in Phoenix, so he was turning into a roasted duck pretty quickly.
Third, the dog thought he was a giant stuffed animal and kept trying to get him.
And the funniest part was his rigidity in the outfit. For those of you who watch 24 hours of a Christmas Story on TNT every year, you are as familiar with the classic as I am. I put the boy on the floor to move the candy bowl. He was laying there with his arm out not moving a muscle. Didn't even turn his head! Reminded me of the scene in which the little brother is in his snow clothes and can't put his arms down or move. You have to understand what I'm talking about to get the chuckle here.
Because we didn't feel we got our full $8.00 out of the duck costume, we decided to put him in it again for an encore performance with the grandparents on Friday night. He was a bit happier in it, even smiled for pictures this time. And now the duck has been retired to the box labeled 3-6 months in the closet for another child another year......
I have decided that instead of droning on and on about my infertile angst, I will focus more on stories and things regarding the midget. Another way to try and see the glass half full, and find enough to allow everyone a sip.
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