I experienced my first time watching my husband parent. We had our friend's boys over last weekend, Saturday to Sunday night. They are 6 & 8 and pretty good kids. So although it doesn't match directly with what we should expect with 3 and under, it was fun to witness.
I learned my husband is a yes man. Can we watch a movie? Yes. Can I have a fourth helping? Yes. Can we stay up late? Yes.
I learned I am the heavy. Well, ok. I already knew that. I am now referring to myself as the Boundary Queen. Sounds better~
But by Sunday, his yesses were fewer and 'honey what do you think' were more. There is hope yet.
The shower is scheduled and invite list prepared. I haven't gotten any further with the nursery or toddler rooms, although I had the boys working on an art project for the toddler room. Going with a fish theme so I took them to a craft store and we bought a paint by number underwater scene and another you complete with markers. Of course mr 8 year old is not into coloring anymore, so I ended up finishing most of the marker picture myself (which I admit was fun and I am 30 something and still like to color). These pictures will be framed and hung in the fishy room, as they were calling it.
When discussing the fishy room and what it's purpose would be, the boys had such very different viewpoints from which their questions derived. The 6 year old is very focused on other's viewpoints of himself, the more touch feely of the two. He asked if I thought the new babies would like him. He wanted to know if they would be his cousins, and if they would love him. 8 year old wanted to know about what adoption meant, and if we were getting a boy or a girl. If was a frequent discussion over the weekend and it was good talking about it on a child's level. It's sometimes easy to discuss with adults who already know what adoption means, and foster care, and understand we're not sure what's happening next or who will be coming through our door. To break it down to a child's level was much more difficult. It was a premonition of sorts on the conversation we will have with the children we adopt in the future.
I am starting to count down the days until I quit my job. After almost 7 years, I think it's time. I have a case in which I have been the case manager for the mother for 5 1/2 years, since she was removed from her mother's care at the age of 15. She was pregnant at the time and recently had her 4th child at the ripe old age of 20. I have had to remove each of them from her care, 2 of them twice after failed reunifications. Her rights have already been terminated as to her oldest girl, age 4, and she is doing really well in the foster/adopt home she's lived in since birth (with the exception of 3 months in which we tried and failed to reunify with bio-mom).
Things have been going well. I returned her 9 month old in December.
Last Saturday I received a call from the weekend team letting me know mom had her fourth and tested positive for meth. She reports she was stressed out b/c 9month old has been teething and crying all night and keeping her up and she's exhausted. Boyfriend works nights and sleeps all morning, so she feels alone. She took the opportunity to walk down the street, but meth and a pipe, and smoked a bowl and a half. This threw her into labor the following morning and she had a healthy baby girl. The silver lining is the baby tested negative and was not exposed.
So here we are 4 years later back at square one. I am exhausted. I am reminded how tedious this job can be, and no matter how good at it you are, the parents will make their own decisions.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
THE SYSTEM
Yesterday we had our first home visit. Our worker, Eric, came over and interviewed us, then took a look around the house.
While talking, we found ourselves discussing THE SYSTEM.
I think every person in every employ has some kind of SYSTEM. And the majority of the time, it stinks. This holds true for us as well.
When asked what stresses me out, my honest response is THE SYSTEM. When I cannot provide the services one of the kids on my case load needs, or it is going to take a long time, or the person or agency assigned to provide said services proves to be incompetent ~ that stresses me out. Not having control over any of that stresses me out. And knowing there's nothing I can do and I shouldn't be so stressed out over it stresses me out.
Moving along, the interview and home tour were painless. Our house is a wreck and we are nowhere near being ready to put a child under this roof, but it is what it is. We have time, and I have patience. Well, some..... I have limits.
Working on purchasing a crib, and received my oh so cute crib bedding from eb++. If you haven't tried it, it's well worth the time you spend searching for what you want. Also worth it is Craigslist, where we are getting all the furniture. Neat little system. And why do I care if the furniture I purchase is new or used? If it's clean and it works, and I'm getting a smoking deal ($150 for an oak crib/convertable toddler bed that was used once) then howdy do for me.
I've been putting off making a dr appt. ~see here's the more serious stuff~ My periods are all over the charts, the biggest issue being my 2 week or so spotting fest before I even get a real period. Now if you do the math, I'm basically only NOT worrying about my period stuff for one week a month. The complete opposite of what should be happening. It seems as though all the doctors pushed this issue under the rug, maybe believing an acheived pregnancy would alleviate the problem and it would go away without having to really address and focus on it. Well we all know how THAT turned out; so here we are back at square one.
I think it would make more sense to go to the IF specialist because he was a reproductive specialist and that's the effected area. And it isn't like I'm not still trying to get pregnant, just not spinning my wheels at something that's not likely to be successful and drains my purse simultaneously.
Why am I putting it off.
I am a total procratinator for one, and then I think I don't know if there's any point. Previous 'cures' were always to put me on the pill. Great. That worked while I was on it (and it made me ill), but I need a reason, not a quick fix. So maybe it's the fear of more disappointment. They won't be able to fix it or even determine the cause. I know it's all so rationalized when you type it out, but it's my SYSTEM that's failing thus far.
I'll get around to it.
It's been raining a lot and our yard is a mud pit. This is not a happy thing when you have a dog and a dog door. Hope it dries out by tomorrow or we're in deep crap. Wednesday's are our class nights and we're usually out from 7AM to 10PM. Too long to lock the pooch in the house, but just enough time for him to get muddy and decide it's a good idea to take a nap on my sofa.
As an update, I am having the baby shower. I could go back and forth in my own mind all day long rationalizing it one way or the other, so F it. I put my two friends in charge and requested there be alcohol served. Lots and lots of alcohol. Because I know that no matter how much I encourage myself to believe I'm over it, I'm not. And I know there will be at least one moment at that shower when that realization creeps in and grabs me by the balls. So between whine or wine, I'll take the white.
While talking, we found ourselves discussing THE SYSTEM.
I think every person in every employ has some kind of SYSTEM. And the majority of the time, it stinks. This holds true for us as well.
When asked what stresses me out, my honest response is THE SYSTEM. When I cannot provide the services one of the kids on my case load needs, or it is going to take a long time, or the person or agency assigned to provide said services proves to be incompetent ~ that stresses me out. Not having control over any of that stresses me out. And knowing there's nothing I can do and I shouldn't be so stressed out over it stresses me out.
Moving along, the interview and home tour were painless. Our house is a wreck and we are nowhere near being ready to put a child under this roof, but it is what it is. We have time, and I have patience. Well, some..... I have limits.
Working on purchasing a crib, and received my oh so cute crib bedding from eb++. If you haven't tried it, it's well worth the time you spend searching for what you want. Also worth it is Craigslist, where we are getting all the furniture. Neat little system. And why do I care if the furniture I purchase is new or used? If it's clean and it works, and I'm getting a smoking deal ($150 for an oak crib/convertable toddler bed that was used once) then howdy do for me.
I've been putting off making a dr appt. ~see here's the more serious stuff~ My periods are all over the charts, the biggest issue being my 2 week or so spotting fest before I even get a real period. Now if you do the math, I'm basically only NOT worrying about my period stuff for one week a month. The complete opposite of what should be happening. It seems as though all the doctors pushed this issue under the rug, maybe believing an acheived pregnancy would alleviate the problem and it would go away without having to really address and focus on it. Well we all know how THAT turned out; so here we are back at square one.
I think it would make more sense to go to the IF specialist because he was a reproductive specialist and that's the effected area. And it isn't like I'm not still trying to get pregnant, just not spinning my wheels at something that's not likely to be successful and drains my purse simultaneously.
Why am I putting it off.
I am a total procratinator for one, and then I think I don't know if there's any point. Previous 'cures' were always to put me on the pill. Great. That worked while I was on it (and it made me ill), but I need a reason, not a quick fix. So maybe it's the fear of more disappointment. They won't be able to fix it or even determine the cause. I know it's all so rationalized when you type it out, but it's my SYSTEM that's failing thus far.
I'll get around to it.
It's been raining a lot and our yard is a mud pit. This is not a happy thing when you have a dog and a dog door. Hope it dries out by tomorrow or we're in deep crap. Wednesday's are our class nights and we're usually out from 7AM to 10PM. Too long to lock the pooch in the house, but just enough time for him to get muddy and decide it's a good idea to take a nap on my sofa.
As an update, I am having the baby shower. I could go back and forth in my own mind all day long rationalizing it one way or the other, so F it. I put my two friends in charge and requested there be alcohol served. Lots and lots of alcohol. Because I know that no matter how much I encourage myself to believe I'm over it, I'm not. And I know there will be at least one moment at that shower when that realization creeps in and grabs me by the balls. So between whine or wine, I'll take the white.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Deserve. I hear and use this word a lot. But what does it mean? It's one of those words that gets thrown around, and it's base lies in the eye of the beholder.
1. To earn by service; to be worthy of (something due, either good or evil); to merit; to be entitled to; as, the laborer deserves his wages; a work of value deserves praise.
[1913 Webster]
I realize that I frequently make comments using this word. This person deserves this, that one doesn't. Most commonly in my job stating this mom or that deserves to lose their parental rights to their children. But why?? What gives me the right to make any such judgments? Now granted, at my work I see some pretty horrific things. Neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse, drug abuse. You name it, I've more then likely had to deal with it on my case load, or had to learn about it in training, or knew about it on someone else's case load. This bombardment of negativity would eventually turn the stomach of Mother Teresa, and Mary Poppins would switch from a spoon full of sugar to a glass full of boos.
The longer I work here, the more I learn that many of these moms and dads had no level ground on which to built their own house of parenting. You are what you know. Many of the drug users are just trying to get by, but the children become collateral as their parents can't even meet their own needs.
So who deserves what? Did these parents deserve better parents? Do they deserve another chance? Do the kids deserve to be severed from their parents and all of their relatives?
Or more simply thought, do people deserve to have bad things happen to them? How do we know someone deserves something when it's a good thing, but not a bad? Maybe I don't deserve to be a parent, maybe I do. Maybe I deserve this job, maybe I don't. Maybe women in Africa deserve to die of AIDS, maybe they don't.
This is where your belief system jumps in. If you believe in karma, God, nothing; those things are all designed to attempt to answer the questions about who deserves what and why. But this doesn't stop the internal need to answer these questions and jump to conclusions ourselves. And what damage does that do? When my friends say 'you deserve to be a mother', my initial response is 'why'? What do you base this belief on? if you look at my history, the risk of my screwing up at parenting is much higher then average. Combined with my tendency to be lazy, not follow through on things, get bored easily, love to sleep, and controlling manner, it's a recipe for chaos and disaster. And you think I deserve to throw a child into that mix? What am I missing here?
But there I am telling someone else they deserve to be a mother, too. And I usually base it on my gut. Except with fellow bloggers, and then god help me if there's any rhyme or reason to my justification! What I've read? What they've commented? Or I don't have anything to base why they don't deserve.
So maybe we should all leave it up to the powers that be.
But my my my wouldn't that be boring~
1. To earn by service; to be worthy of (something due, either good or evil); to merit; to be entitled to; as, the laborer deserves his wages; a work of value deserves praise.
[1913 Webster]
I realize that I frequently make comments using this word. This person deserves this, that one doesn't. Most commonly in my job stating this mom or that deserves to lose their parental rights to their children. But why?? What gives me the right to make any such judgments? Now granted, at my work I see some pretty horrific things. Neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse, drug abuse. You name it, I've more then likely had to deal with it on my case load, or had to learn about it in training, or knew about it on someone else's case load. This bombardment of negativity would eventually turn the stomach of Mother Teresa, and Mary Poppins would switch from a spoon full of sugar to a glass full of boos.
The longer I work here, the more I learn that many of these moms and dads had no level ground on which to built their own house of parenting. You are what you know. Many of the drug users are just trying to get by, but the children become collateral as their parents can't even meet their own needs.
So who deserves what? Did these parents deserve better parents? Do they deserve another chance? Do the kids deserve to be severed from their parents and all of their relatives?
Or more simply thought, do people deserve to have bad things happen to them? How do we know someone deserves something when it's a good thing, but not a bad? Maybe I don't deserve to be a parent, maybe I do. Maybe I deserve this job, maybe I don't. Maybe women in Africa deserve to die of AIDS, maybe they don't.
This is where your belief system jumps in. If you believe in karma, God, nothing; those things are all designed to attempt to answer the questions about who deserves what and why. But this doesn't stop the internal need to answer these questions and jump to conclusions ourselves. And what damage does that do? When my friends say 'you deserve to be a mother', my initial response is 'why'? What do you base this belief on? if you look at my history, the risk of my screwing up at parenting is much higher then average. Combined with my tendency to be lazy, not follow through on things, get bored easily, love to sleep, and controlling manner, it's a recipe for chaos and disaster. And you think I deserve to throw a child into that mix? What am I missing here?
But there I am telling someone else they deserve to be a mother, too. And I usually base it on my gut. Except with fellow bloggers, and then god help me if there's any rhyme or reason to my justification! What I've read? What they've commented? Or I don't have anything to base why they don't deserve.
So maybe we should all leave it up to the powers that be.
But my my my wouldn't that be boring~
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Has it really been a month since my last post? I suppose it has.
Truth be told, I have thought about posting something, only to find the 'what do I possibly have to say' thought running through my mind.
When I first started the blog, it was a template for venting and frustration and maybe meeting others rowing the same boat. Once tapped in, I found an amazing support group of gals who understood my plight for pregnancy and empathized with all the trimmings. Not sympathy, like my friends offer (and I am thankful for most of the time), but empathy of either having been there, being there, or leaving there.
Then the news ~ the poop on my hope parade. Guess you could say it left me a bit speechless. I didn't want to be a negative blogger, always ranting and raving about the unjustness of the fertile world. I struggled to think of something more to talk about only to find it didn't seem witty or important or interesting at all!
So now what.
So now I do my best to change gears and start blogging about the foster care classes, my new house, decorating for invisable children..... my life. And if you don't like it, or the way I describe it, then I guess it's your 5 minutes you wasted reading it to find that out!
Foster care classes are fine. I am somewhat bored as I already know most of the information. I find myself looking towards the classes more like a teacher then a student, offering up my own experiences on the other side ~ being the Child Protective Services worker these people will have to deal with in the future. Although the trainers are fairly realistic, I have been around for 6+ years and seen an array of problems and solutions. The happy stories they like to tell to smooth the corners are not always the best options. I am a big fan of hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Seeing these bright eyed do-gooder wanna-bees in my class is a bit frightening but we all have to start somewhere. My assumed purpose is to add my 2 cents here and there and hope it helps and the trainers are not offended.
There are 2 others in my class who also pipe up, a child therapist and a current foster parent. The foster parent is unlicensed and has 2 adoptive placements in their home. They bring real life in my house examples to everyone about their 2 future sons who are currently testing the boundaries and running amok. The therapist brings real life experiences on how to deal with certain topics and discussions necessary with older children.
And the paperwork. My god the paperwork. I did less paperwork becoming a case manager who is listed as the legal guardian for every child on my caseload!
They changed us to a more seasoned licensing worker at the original new worker's request. It was all nice and please and thank you, but I got the idea that after hearing me blah blah blahing in class they had a little meeting and realized I might be a handful. Good.
House is coming along. I previously mentioned painting the bedroom, but since then have decided I don't like it. I love the color, this rich caramel color, but I just can't get it to go with anything else. The duvet is a moss green and I really like it. It goes well with the paint, but I have been going over and over what options I have for the large windows. I feel I need to tie in the duvet color somehow, but nothing seems to work I think of. I will be spending yet another weekend repainting a light green color, then getting curtains the darker color the walls are right now. Lets hope it works because I am really getting sick of thinking about it.
Today I painted the biggest wall in the kitchen/family room a nice taupe color. I am not a taupe kinda gal so it's a new thing for me. I got a bright fabric on sale and will be making cornaces to go above all 4 of the windows which should brighten up the room.
Next project will be the nursery. I won a cute bedding set on ebay and will coordinate that. And I notified my friends I wanted them to host a baby shower for me. When getting questioning looks, I merely pointed out that just because I wasn't going to be pushing a baby out, didn't mean I wasn't going to get one. So why should, on top of all the other thinks I am missing out on by not getting pregnant, I get jipped on a shower, too?
Truth be told, I have thought about posting something, only to find the 'what do I possibly have to say' thought running through my mind.
When I first started the blog, it was a template for venting and frustration and maybe meeting others rowing the same boat. Once tapped in, I found an amazing support group of gals who understood my plight for pregnancy and empathized with all the trimmings. Not sympathy, like my friends offer (and I am thankful for most of the time), but empathy of either having been there, being there, or leaving there.
Then the news ~ the poop on my hope parade. Guess you could say it left me a bit speechless. I didn't want to be a negative blogger, always ranting and raving about the unjustness of the fertile world. I struggled to think of something more to talk about only to find it didn't seem witty or important or interesting at all!
So now what.
So now I do my best to change gears and start blogging about the foster care classes, my new house, decorating for invisable children..... my life. And if you don't like it, or the way I describe it, then I guess it's your 5 minutes you wasted reading it to find that out!
Foster care classes are fine. I am somewhat bored as I already know most of the information. I find myself looking towards the classes more like a teacher then a student, offering up my own experiences on the other side ~ being the Child Protective Services worker these people will have to deal with in the future. Although the trainers are fairly realistic, I have been around for 6+ years and seen an array of problems and solutions. The happy stories they like to tell to smooth the corners are not always the best options. I am a big fan of hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Seeing these bright eyed do-gooder wanna-bees in my class is a bit frightening but we all have to start somewhere. My assumed purpose is to add my 2 cents here and there and hope it helps and the trainers are not offended.
There are 2 others in my class who also pipe up, a child therapist and a current foster parent. The foster parent is unlicensed and has 2 adoptive placements in their home. They bring real life in my house examples to everyone about their 2 future sons who are currently testing the boundaries and running amok. The therapist brings real life experiences on how to deal with certain topics and discussions necessary with older children.
And the paperwork. My god the paperwork. I did less paperwork becoming a case manager who is listed as the legal guardian for every child on my caseload!
They changed us to a more seasoned licensing worker at the original new worker's request. It was all nice and please and thank you, but I got the idea that after hearing me blah blah blahing in class they had a little meeting and realized I might be a handful. Good.
House is coming along. I previously mentioned painting the bedroom, but since then have decided I don't like it. I love the color, this rich caramel color, but I just can't get it to go with anything else. The duvet is a moss green and I really like it. It goes well with the paint, but I have been going over and over what options I have for the large windows. I feel I need to tie in the duvet color somehow, but nothing seems to work I think of. I will be spending yet another weekend repainting a light green color, then getting curtains the darker color the walls are right now. Lets hope it works because I am really getting sick of thinking about it.
Today I painted the biggest wall in the kitchen/family room a nice taupe color. I am not a taupe kinda gal so it's a new thing for me. I got a bright fabric on sale and will be making cornaces to go above all 4 of the windows which should brighten up the room.
Next project will be the nursery. I won a cute bedding set on ebay and will coordinate that. And I notified my friends I wanted them to host a baby shower for me. When getting questioning looks, I merely pointed out that just because I wasn't going to be pushing a baby out, didn't mean I wasn't going to get one. So why should, on top of all the other thinks I am missing out on by not getting pregnant, I get jipped on a shower, too?
Thursday, January 11, 2007
I have no witty title
You know, one of these days I'm going to get my techie husband to show me how to download and post pictures on here. Until then, here's where we're at with the decor:
Hubby goes out of town, so Saturday I hit the Depot with eyes bright. LOVE the Depot. Land of decorating possibilities. Decide on a paint called creme brule. Nice brown shade but not too brown. Darker then I originally thought of going, but had a problem with another paint being too light downstairs so took the risk.
Got home, strained and moved the giant bed away from the wall, dragged ladder up the stairs being careful not to scuff walls, set-up my supplies, and got to it.
Ew.
Too too too too dark.
Got gallon of too light paint from garage, started mixing. Waste not, want not. And now that they have that wonderful color matching technology, I can even run out of my newly invented color and go back for more.
Decide it's pretty good and paint three walls. #4 is out because I can't budge the damn armoire, and now it's getting dusky and I can't see as well.
Still not sure if I like the color. NONE of the potential curtains match.
Got sick Monday AM. Sick sick. Lost 7lbs sick. Full body cleansing sick. Please god kill me because I am tired of putting my face where my ass just was sick.
Start of a diet. Figured tummy was shrunk, may as well try and take advantage and keep it that way.
Um, what other tangent.
OHOHOHOH!!
First foster care class last night. 3 hours. Booooooring. OK, they tried to make it interesting, but when you already know all that stuff it can't help but be a bore, right? Or am I a stuck-up Child Protective Services case manager?? Probably both, but I'm ok with that.
Must survive 10 more classes. I can make it. I hope I can make it. I have to make it. If I can't keep my head up and eyes open through this, how will I survive sleepness nights with a crying infant? This is the thought that will motivate me the next 3 months while I smile and nod at the gate keeper of my future family.
Hubby goes out of town, so Saturday I hit the Depot with eyes bright. LOVE the Depot. Land of decorating possibilities. Decide on a paint called creme brule. Nice brown shade but not too brown. Darker then I originally thought of going, but had a problem with another paint being too light downstairs so took the risk.
Got home, strained and moved the giant bed away from the wall, dragged ladder up the stairs being careful not to scuff walls, set-up my supplies, and got to it.
Ew.
Too too too too dark.
Got gallon of too light paint from garage, started mixing. Waste not, want not. And now that they have that wonderful color matching technology, I can even run out of my newly invented color and go back for more.
Decide it's pretty good and paint three walls. #4 is out because I can't budge the damn armoire, and now it's getting dusky and I can't see as well.
Still not sure if I like the color. NONE of the potential curtains match.
Got sick Monday AM. Sick sick. Lost 7lbs sick. Full body cleansing sick. Please god kill me because I am tired of putting my face where my ass just was sick.
Start of a diet. Figured tummy was shrunk, may as well try and take advantage and keep it that way.
Um, what other tangent.
OHOHOHOH!!
First foster care class last night. 3 hours. Booooooring. OK, they tried to make it interesting, but when you already know all that stuff it can't help but be a bore, right? Or am I a stuck-up Child Protective Services case manager?? Probably both, but I'm ok with that.
Must survive 10 more classes. I can make it. I hope I can make it. I have to make it. If I can't keep my head up and eyes open through this, how will I survive sleepness nights with a crying infant? This is the thought that will motivate me the next 3 months while I smile and nod at the gate keeper of my future family.
Friday, January 05, 2007
OCDecorator
Oh the joys of decorating. The joy, the pain, the migraine. I find myself unable to make minor decisions about most anything these days, including what color and style of window treatments to put up in the master bedroom.
I have spent about 2 hours a day shopping and thinking about this. I found some curtains I liked and they were on sale, but then thought maybe I liked them BECAUSE they were on sale. So I took one out and threw it over a chair by the window so each morning and night I could take a gander at it and come to a final decision. Decided yes, that would do quite nicely for both the curtains and the cornices and yippee it was on sale.
Then hubby makes a teeny weeny comment that he's bored with the tan and green color scheme that seems to be taking over our home. Now the reason for the tan and green is because the tile we got stuck with has this orange undertone to it and nothing but tans and greens seem to, well, blend.
So back to square one because I now have that creeping doubt in my mind yet again.
Today decided to go with this deep plum color because it's the color of the matting in two of the pictures I will hang in the room. Found some pretty sheers at Lin&Thingies, but there were only two panels and I need 5. They also had them in sage green, the color of the duvet, so I said 'f it' and bought four of those for good measure. Also purchased 2 plum swags which have enough material to them to cover the cornicing. Checking out, find they are on sale for a mere $10 instead of the usual $24. Yippee again.
Now I have about $300 worth of drapery in my bedroom and can't decide what to do. Is the plum too dark? Too shiny? Is the green to much like the duvet? Then what color do I paint? Is a neutral cream going to be too bland? Another color too much? Do I have any idea what the hell I'm doing?
Kinda.
I find myself watching hours of HGTV getting idea after idea, but none of them anywhere near the vision I have for the bedroom. I have now mentally redecorated my entire home 3o times over, and still have no idea what I'm going to do about the windows in the bedroom. And as I believe I mentioned before, my ass is still blinding the neighbors or any other fool who happens to look up at night. Clock is ticking and I need to make a damn decision.
And then it hits me. The reason I am wallowing in self doubt is because I am finding any way possible to avoid thinking about fertility crap. Because in the recesses of my mind I feel I failed at that. Lost control of something. Am not able to get what I want no matter what decisions I make or how positive I am or how hard I try and reach that goal. ALL of my friends have children, or are going to. Even Lauren, who I mentioned on the last post, has become pregnant from her first IVF.
Am I happy for them? Yes
Do I wish they didn't have children? No
Am I anguished and plagued by 'why couldn't it be me'? You betcha
Maybe I'm sick of green because it's the color of envy.
I have spent about 2 hours a day shopping and thinking about this. I found some curtains I liked and they were on sale, but then thought maybe I liked them BECAUSE they were on sale. So I took one out and threw it over a chair by the window so each morning and night I could take a gander at it and come to a final decision. Decided yes, that would do quite nicely for both the curtains and the cornices and yippee it was on sale.
Then hubby makes a teeny weeny comment that he's bored with the tan and green color scheme that seems to be taking over our home. Now the reason for the tan and green is because the tile we got stuck with has this orange undertone to it and nothing but tans and greens seem to, well, blend.
So back to square one because I now have that creeping doubt in my mind yet again.
Today decided to go with this deep plum color because it's the color of the matting in two of the pictures I will hang in the room. Found some pretty sheers at Lin&Thingies, but there were only two panels and I need 5. They also had them in sage green, the color of the duvet, so I said 'f it' and bought four of those for good measure. Also purchased 2 plum swags which have enough material to them to cover the cornicing. Checking out, find they are on sale for a mere $10 instead of the usual $24. Yippee again.
Now I have about $300 worth of drapery in my bedroom and can't decide what to do. Is the plum too dark? Too shiny? Is the green to much like the duvet? Then what color do I paint? Is a neutral cream going to be too bland? Another color too much? Do I have any idea what the hell I'm doing?
Kinda.
I find myself watching hours of HGTV getting idea after idea, but none of them anywhere near the vision I have for the bedroom. I have now mentally redecorated my entire home 3o times over, and still have no idea what I'm going to do about the windows in the bedroom. And as I believe I mentioned before, my ass is still blinding the neighbors or any other fool who happens to look up at night. Clock is ticking and I need to make a damn decision.
And then it hits me. The reason I am wallowing in self doubt is because I am finding any way possible to avoid thinking about fertility crap. Because in the recesses of my mind I feel I failed at that. Lost control of something. Am not able to get what I want no matter what decisions I make or how positive I am or how hard I try and reach that goal. ALL of my friends have children, or are going to. Even Lauren, who I mentioned on the last post, has become pregnant from her first IVF.
Am I happy for them? Yes
Do I wish they didn't have children? No
Am I anguished and plagued by 'why couldn't it be me'? You betcha
Maybe I'm sick of green because it's the color of envy.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Still Dreaming of a White Christmas
Slowly but surely I am catching up. Thank you to those who posted Reader's Digest versions of the latest on your lives. It did help me not feel so out of touch.
I can't remember the last time AF stayed away for Christmas. Which brings me to the title, that every year I start flowin right around Christmas. So this year, I was popping Midol and then the holiday song came on. I started laughing so hard my eyes watered. Thank God I was alone. So now every time I hear that song it has a totally different connotation for me. Jeez. Now Holiday tunes are related to my IF!!
Speaking of the AF, I am more and more aggrivated with it. Never the same time, spotting for a week before flow, cramps, poops, the works. And for what. I used to remind myself it was there for a good cause - that all that pain and annoyance led to pregnancy. But now? Not so much. Just the pain and annoyance. My gyn says I could go back on the pill and try and straighten it out. Hmmm. Here comes the clincher.
dr says eggs are crap. But what if? What if my ovies finally shoot out a good one and I'm on the damn pill? Chance in a million? Billion? Yep. But still a chance.
Change in subject:
Holidays were great. Exhausting. MIL & SIL came early to help prepare. Nothing says nuts like a party 2 weeks after move in!!
We even painted the dining/living room. It looks amazing!!! 2 toned olive greens with a white chair rail. beeeyutiful. They painted my island in the kitchen this color I've been visually making love to for a month, only to find the color looks like a damn pumpkin in the morning. Jury's still out on this one. AM - It's the Great Pumpkin Charley Brown! PM - It's simmering nutmeg and tasty goodness. Guess I'll have to finish up the rest of the family room and dining room before deciding if the nutmeg pumpkin stays or goes......
All else is good. Doing nothing for new year's. Again. No desire I suppose. Most friends have kids and can't go out, then I get annoyed with all the younguns and drunks out anyway. Last year I went to bed at 12:10. Stayed up just for the sake of staying up but really didn't give a crap. Just happy to get the day off (0:
Hope everyone had a great holiday. Let's hope this new year brings more good news - there's already been some with twins, adoption, and upcoming IVF. I'm also sending good vibes to my friend, Lauren, who should have been implanted right now. Her first IVF cycle and I hope she's surviving it! Let's all send her the good baby vibes and sticky thoughts~~
I can't remember the last time AF stayed away for Christmas. Which brings me to the title, that every year I start flowin right around Christmas. So this year, I was popping Midol and then the holiday song came on. I started laughing so hard my eyes watered. Thank God I was alone. So now every time I hear that song it has a totally different connotation for me. Jeez. Now Holiday tunes are related to my IF!!
Speaking of the AF, I am more and more aggrivated with it. Never the same time, spotting for a week before flow, cramps, poops, the works. And for what. I used to remind myself it was there for a good cause - that all that pain and annoyance led to pregnancy. But now? Not so much. Just the pain and annoyance. My gyn says I could go back on the pill and try and straighten it out. Hmmm. Here comes the clincher.
dr says eggs are crap. But what if? What if my ovies finally shoot out a good one and I'm on the damn pill? Chance in a million? Billion? Yep. But still a chance.
Change in subject:
Holidays were great. Exhausting. MIL & SIL came early to help prepare. Nothing says nuts like a party 2 weeks after move in!!
We even painted the dining/living room. It looks amazing!!! 2 toned olive greens with a white chair rail. beeeyutiful. They painted my island in the kitchen this color I've been visually making love to for a month, only to find the color looks like a damn pumpkin in the morning. Jury's still out on this one. AM - It's the Great Pumpkin Charley Brown! PM - It's simmering nutmeg and tasty goodness. Guess I'll have to finish up the rest of the family room and dining room before deciding if the nutmeg pumpkin stays or goes......
All else is good. Doing nothing for new year's. Again. No desire I suppose. Most friends have kids and can't go out, then I get annoyed with all the younguns and drunks out anyway. Last year I went to bed at 12:10. Stayed up just for the sake of staying up but really didn't give a crap. Just happy to get the day off (0:
Hope everyone had a great holiday. Let's hope this new year brings more good news - there's already been some with twins, adoption, and upcoming IVF. I'm also sending good vibes to my friend, Lauren, who should have been implanted right now. Her first IVF cycle and I hope she's surviving it! Let's all send her the good baby vibes and sticky thoughts~~
Monday, December 18, 2006
HELP ME!!!
I am officially overwhelmed. By several things. By the move. The need to get everything done to have a party in 5 days. All the people coming over.
But currently by all of you. I am amazed how many people still came to see my blog, to ask where I've been. I've gotten better responses there then from my own friends. How sad is that?
I am also overwhelmed trying to catch-up. It seems like so much has happened in one month and it's taking me forever to try and read back and catch all those thoughts.
So I ask a favor. Would you terribly mind posting a comment with an update on how and what you're doing? I know that sounds like such a cheesy and lazy thing to request, but I really want to know and it's taking too long to read each blog individually so quickly. What I mean is, eventually I will get to all the blogs and catch up, but right now I am so so so so busy and can't seem to read everyone but I really want to know what's going on.
Call it a Christmas present!
And I figure maybe what one person writes may trigger a response from a new reader or someone who's not posted lately. It may update others then just myself!
And my husband would appreciate my not holding his laptop hostage for such long periods of time..........
Things are progressing here. Slowly. I finished painting the guest bedroom yesterday. Prioritized it since my MIL will be coming Wed and I wanted the paint stench cleared out as she will be sleeping in there. Looks pretty good. Color is all blue.... reminds me of a Tiffany's box! Still needs the details but so far the only room looking remotely finished, which is annoying.
Still putting things away here and there. Boxes and boxes of stuff. Lots from the office, which we don't have set-up. Was a built in my hubby did and not furniture we could move. He's going to do something similar here, but could take awhile. So boxes of books in the meantime!
Have the nursery designated and a toddler room, too. We're planning on getting licensed for 0-2 so I best be prepared for either. Start working on those after the holidays....
I look forward to reading what you all are doing and I SWEAR I'm going to get all caught up on what I've been missing~
But currently by all of you. I am amazed how many people still came to see my blog, to ask where I've been. I've gotten better responses there then from my own friends. How sad is that?
I am also overwhelmed trying to catch-up. It seems like so much has happened in one month and it's taking me forever to try and read back and catch all those thoughts.
So I ask a favor. Would you terribly mind posting a comment with an update on how and what you're doing? I know that sounds like such a cheesy and lazy thing to request, but I really want to know and it's taking too long to read each blog individually so quickly. What I mean is, eventually I will get to all the blogs and catch up, but right now I am so so so so busy and can't seem to read everyone but I really want to know what's going on.
Call it a Christmas present!
And I figure maybe what one person writes may trigger a response from a new reader or someone who's not posted lately. It may update others then just myself!
And my husband would appreciate my not holding his laptop hostage for such long periods of time..........
Things are progressing here. Slowly. I finished painting the guest bedroom yesterday. Prioritized it since my MIL will be coming Wed and I wanted the paint stench cleared out as she will be sleeping in there. Looks pretty good. Color is all blue.... reminds me of a Tiffany's box! Still needs the details but so far the only room looking remotely finished, which is annoying.
Still putting things away here and there. Boxes and boxes of stuff. Lots from the office, which we don't have set-up. Was a built in my hubby did and not furniture we could move. He's going to do something similar here, but could take awhile. So boxes of books in the meantime!
Have the nursery designated and a toddler room, too. We're planning on getting licensed for 0-2 so I best be prepared for either. Start working on those after the holidays....
I look forward to reading what you all are doing and I SWEAR I'm going to get all caught up on what I've been missing~
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Really, I'm not dead!
Well hello there girls! Been awhile. Short version of where I've been is as follows:
Were getting free internet service at apartment. Service provider wised-up and we would have paid, but it was just a short time until we moved out anyway, thus we allowed service to remain shut off. So I used work computer. Work provider decided to start blocking all blog sites among many many others. No damn access. Withdrawls. Sadness I was so addicted to blogs, but more sad I couldn't see what everyone was doing.
But now that's over and we finally got some freakin service. Of course the computer isn't hooked-up yet so I am currently high jacking hubby's laptop.
We finally moved into the new house. What a freakin mess. Took forever to get out of the apartment so there's crap everywhere. Our storage unit is sitting in the driveway since Saturday and we haven't opened it. Going to have to tackle it on Saturday since we're in a bit of a rush. You see, the whole damn family will be here for Christmas, so in our infinite wisdom thought it would be a good idea to have an open house/Christmas party on the 23rd! My work is busy and hubby's is insane, so my head is about to completely explode.
Which is why I'll leave it at that for now because I am exhausted and need to go to bed but really really really wanted to say hello to everyone in this way at least. I really miss everyone!!! I'm sure I'll be high jacking this laptop many times in the next few days until I get caught up on what's been happening the last month. Maybe it will motivate him to set up the computer. Guess we'll see.
Talk with you all soon!!
Were getting free internet service at apartment. Service provider wised-up and we would have paid, but it was just a short time until we moved out anyway, thus we allowed service to remain shut off. So I used work computer. Work provider decided to start blocking all blog sites among many many others. No damn access. Withdrawls. Sadness I was so addicted to blogs, but more sad I couldn't see what everyone was doing.
But now that's over and we finally got some freakin service. Of course the computer isn't hooked-up yet so I am currently high jacking hubby's laptop.
We finally moved into the new house. What a freakin mess. Took forever to get out of the apartment so there's crap everywhere. Our storage unit is sitting in the driveway since Saturday and we haven't opened it. Going to have to tackle it on Saturday since we're in a bit of a rush. You see, the whole damn family will be here for Christmas, so in our infinite wisdom thought it would be a good idea to have an open house/Christmas party on the 23rd! My work is busy and hubby's is insane, so my head is about to completely explode.
Which is why I'll leave it at that for now because I am exhausted and need to go to bed but really really really wanted to say hello to everyone in this way at least. I really miss everyone!!! I'm sure I'll be high jacking this laptop many times in the next few days until I get caught up on what's been happening the last month. Maybe it will motivate him to set up the computer. Guess we'll see.
Talk with you all soon!!
Friday, November 17, 2006
Ignorance is Bliss
At least for me. I know that many people read books on IF or adoption for information. I can't do this. My bio-aunt gave me a book on The Adopted Self when we first met. Guess she figured it may help me muddle through meeting the bio family and all the baggage that comes with discovery. I flipped through it, but really didn't read it. No interest.
I think in some ways I social work myself..... meaning I have mental counseling sessions in my own head about things. Not always, but usually I can process things really well, so I don't feel a need for more information. Reading blogs will tell anyone that the bottom line is usually the same, IF sucks, but the roads to that line are all different. I enjoy reading other's thoughts and stuggles and triumphs, but books don't convey the day to day I find in the blogs. I relate with the blog babes. I can't relate to some unknown author.
My husband just came in and started to read what I was typing. I asked him if he read this blog at all and he said "No. I figure it's kinda like your diary or something. Now if there was anything in there that you DIDN't want me to see, I'd be upset because I would hope we could talk about anything". I should count my blessings more often.
In other news, we went to OR last weekend to see the hubby's family. Well, our family. His step-sister lives there, although she and her husband are in Ireland for a few years working and traveling. They rented out their home while away and the renters left a cigarette smoldering. Burned the back 1/2 of the house. It was horrible to see. Of course there's the good news that no one was hurt, none of their belongings were in the home, and much of the home will be salvaged, but man. That's their home! And she put A LOT of work into it over the years. It's a 19th century Victorian in an upcoming neighborhood.
It brought back memories as my parent's home burned down 6 years ago. It was a total loss. It was horrifying to see the home I live in my entire life nothing but smoke and ash. To see my prom dress half melted, stuck to my letterman's jacket. But in the end, it's just stuff. Not everything can be replaced, but it's stuff.
Losing things makes me ponder a lot. I think about how lucky I am to have all the family I have. All the support. All the love. Everyone has been so wonderful about the infertility crap. They just want grandkids, no matter where they come from. They want to see us parents, even if it's not biological. They want us to be happy, and were sad with us when IVF failed again. They supported us emotionally and financially, contributing to the Fertility Fund for IVF #2.
I am looking forward to the holidays more this year than the past few years. It has been a horrible year, with many sad things happening. I am ready for it to be over, but moreover I am ready for a new year to begin. The fork in the road came quickly and we're pushed towards adoption. I can go kicking and screaming or full of hope and excitement. I can't read someone else's thoughts or opinions about it, just have to jump in and go for it myself. Nothing is ever perfect, and most things don't go the way you planned. IF fits into this thought like nothing else.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I plan spending Christmas with all of my family as stronger woman.
I think in some ways I social work myself..... meaning I have mental counseling sessions in my own head about things. Not always, but usually I can process things really well, so I don't feel a need for more information. Reading blogs will tell anyone that the bottom line is usually the same, IF sucks, but the roads to that line are all different. I enjoy reading other's thoughts and stuggles and triumphs, but books don't convey the day to day I find in the blogs. I relate with the blog babes. I can't relate to some unknown author.
My husband just came in and started to read what I was typing. I asked him if he read this blog at all and he said "No. I figure it's kinda like your diary or something. Now if there was anything in there that you DIDN't want me to see, I'd be upset because I would hope we could talk about anything". I should count my blessings more often.
In other news, we went to OR last weekend to see the hubby's family. Well, our family. His step-sister lives there, although she and her husband are in Ireland for a few years working and traveling. They rented out their home while away and the renters left a cigarette smoldering. Burned the back 1/2 of the house. It was horrible to see. Of course there's the good news that no one was hurt, none of their belongings were in the home, and much of the home will be salvaged, but man. That's their home! And she put A LOT of work into it over the years. It's a 19th century Victorian in an upcoming neighborhood.
It brought back memories as my parent's home burned down 6 years ago. It was a total loss. It was horrifying to see the home I live in my entire life nothing but smoke and ash. To see my prom dress half melted, stuck to my letterman's jacket. But in the end, it's just stuff. Not everything can be replaced, but it's stuff.
Losing things makes me ponder a lot. I think about how lucky I am to have all the family I have. All the support. All the love. Everyone has been so wonderful about the infertility crap. They just want grandkids, no matter where they come from. They want to see us parents, even if it's not biological. They want us to be happy, and were sad with us when IVF failed again. They supported us emotionally and financially, contributing to the Fertility Fund for IVF #2.
I am looking forward to the holidays more this year than the past few years. It has been a horrible year, with many sad things happening. I am ready for it to be over, but moreover I am ready for a new year to begin. The fork in the road came quickly and we're pushed towards adoption. I can go kicking and screaming or full of hope and excitement. I can't read someone else's thoughts or opinions about it, just have to jump in and go for it myself. Nothing is ever perfect, and most things don't go the way you planned. IF fits into this thought like nothing else.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I plan spending Christmas with all of my family as stronger woman.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
TAG TAG TAG TAG
I've been tagged by Lola to list 5 things you may not know about me. Well, that leaves a lot as long as it doesn't have to do with IVF!!!
1) I like to be alone. This has taken a long time. I used to hate being by myself, now I enjoy it. I like walking alone. Just this weekend, we went to my SIL cabin in OR. It was far far away, quiet, peaceful, cold. I took a morning walk and loved it. Didn't want to turn back. Saw deer in the woods, birds flying overhead, calm life opening up around every curve of the dirt road. It was lovely. I often daydream about disappearing alone. Taking the essentials and just poof. Gone. New state, country, no one knows me. Under the Tuscan Sun kinda fantasy.
2) I am a self beautification junkie. I have more then 100 shades of nail polish. More then 100 shades of lipstick. Tons of face creams, mud masks, hair products, clips, eye shadows/make-up, and jewelry. And none of it expensive because I am a bargain shopper. Maybe if I invested in some key things I would use them more instead of buying everything that looks pretty, but no. And did I mention the scented body lotions and bubble baths??
3) I tried to kill myself every year from the time I was in 3rd grade. Always trying to OD on medications. No one knew until 10th grade when I really did it and landed my ass in a treatment center. It was in that center I realized I was going to be a social worker of some kind. I spent more time talking and helping the other patients then I did addressing my own issues. I didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, hadn't even kissed a boy yet. Many counselors actually questioned why I was there in the first place. I addressed my issues later in life and put them in a mental box for safe keeping. I had to learn that life goes on, you just have to find a direction and take it. I still struggle sometimes, but try to keep ahead of myself. All that experience helped with IF. I commented on another blog that there are a lot of decisions and waiting in IF, but IF is right in the middle of lIFe, where you are always faced with hardships.
4) I have 4 Dads, 4 Moms. Bio parents, adopted parents, husband's parents, husband's step-parents. It can be a bit overwhelming since they are all so very different. This Christmas, they will all be in my new home. Well, not really. Hoping to see bio dad but don't speak with bio mom so that won't happen. But both sets of hubby's parents and my adopted parents will be over. My saving grace of this is that I LOVE HOSTING. I'll throw a party for anyone. I handmake invites, bake and decorate cakes, have themes, the works. Controlling things calms me, thus hosting the party keeps my mind occupied and I don't get freaked out over anything. We'll see if that holds out this year with so many people coming over right after we move into the new house.
5) I used to be a synchronized swimmer. I went to Nationals in DC my jr year. Did ok. Nothing serious. Started swimming on a summer team when I was like 4 and never really got out of the water. Swam year round from 5th grade to jr year of high school and then was just done. Few years later became a coach and lifeguard. Now I scuba dive whenever I get the chance. I am more comfortable in the water, any water, then anywhere else in the world. Now if I could just look better in a swimsuit, things would be grand!
WELL. There it is. I'm not sure why I picked the things I did, and will probably be laying in bed later thinking "I should've written this or that", but I guarantee those are things you, the blogoshpere society, did not know about me.
On another note, recently I am getting blocked from getting to people's sites from their comments, stating they have disabled their profiles or something. What is this people? I don't have site names written down on a post-it so I rely on clicking on the comment names to take me to your leaders, I mean sites!!! If you are one of these people, I would love it if you fixed this for me (0:
I now pass the task to the Nixter, BabyBlue, Bea, and Lara.
1) I like to be alone. This has taken a long time. I used to hate being by myself, now I enjoy it. I like walking alone. Just this weekend, we went to my SIL cabin in OR. It was far far away, quiet, peaceful, cold. I took a morning walk and loved it. Didn't want to turn back. Saw deer in the woods, birds flying overhead, calm life opening up around every curve of the dirt road. It was lovely. I often daydream about disappearing alone. Taking the essentials and just poof. Gone. New state, country, no one knows me. Under the Tuscan Sun kinda fantasy.
2) I am a self beautification junkie. I have more then 100 shades of nail polish. More then 100 shades of lipstick. Tons of face creams, mud masks, hair products, clips, eye shadows/make-up, and jewelry. And none of it expensive because I am a bargain shopper. Maybe if I invested in some key things I would use them more instead of buying everything that looks pretty, but no. And did I mention the scented body lotions and bubble baths??
3) I tried to kill myself every year from the time I was in 3rd grade. Always trying to OD on medications. No one knew until 10th grade when I really did it and landed my ass in a treatment center. It was in that center I realized I was going to be a social worker of some kind. I spent more time talking and helping the other patients then I did addressing my own issues. I didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, hadn't even kissed a boy yet. Many counselors actually questioned why I was there in the first place. I addressed my issues later in life and put them in a mental box for safe keeping. I had to learn that life goes on, you just have to find a direction and take it. I still struggle sometimes, but try to keep ahead of myself. All that experience helped with IF. I commented on another blog that there are a lot of decisions and waiting in IF, but IF is right in the middle of lIFe, where you are always faced with hardships.
4) I have 4 Dads, 4 Moms. Bio parents, adopted parents, husband's parents, husband's step-parents. It can be a bit overwhelming since they are all so very different. This Christmas, they will all be in my new home. Well, not really. Hoping to see bio dad but don't speak with bio mom so that won't happen. But both sets of hubby's parents and my adopted parents will be over. My saving grace of this is that I LOVE HOSTING. I'll throw a party for anyone. I handmake invites, bake and decorate cakes, have themes, the works. Controlling things calms me, thus hosting the party keeps my mind occupied and I don't get freaked out over anything. We'll see if that holds out this year with so many people coming over right after we move into the new house.
5) I used to be a synchronized swimmer. I went to Nationals in DC my jr year. Did ok. Nothing serious. Started swimming on a summer team when I was like 4 and never really got out of the water. Swam year round from 5th grade to jr year of high school and then was just done. Few years later became a coach and lifeguard. Now I scuba dive whenever I get the chance. I am more comfortable in the water, any water, then anywhere else in the world. Now if I could just look better in a swimsuit, things would be grand!
WELL. There it is. I'm not sure why I picked the things I did, and will probably be laying in bed later thinking "I should've written this or that", but I guarantee those are things you, the blogoshpere society, did not know about me.
On another note, recently I am getting blocked from getting to people's sites from their comments, stating they have disabled their profiles or something. What is this people? I don't have site names written down on a post-it so I rely on clicking on the comment names to take me to your leaders, I mean sites!!! If you are one of these people, I would love it if you fixed this for me (0:
I now pass the task to the Nixter, BabyBlue, Bea, and Lara.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Rowing
Last week, we attended the first of many meetings for foster care. It was the orientation meeting with the agency I selected. Being in this field already, I have a lot of knowledge and connections. I have worked with most, if not all, of the licensing agencies in my district, so I was able to rely on my own experiences when picking one for us.
This meeting was a taste of what is to come. There weren't many people there, and it was fairly obvious the ones that were did not have a lot of background information about the system. Which is why the agencies have these orientations!
For me, it was quite painful. My knowledge is also a hinderance, because I was bored to death. And sure enough, the woman running the show was someone I know, so she would ask me questions throughout the orientation! I tried to be as quiet as possible, because no one likes a know-it-all, but she kept asking me questions!!!
It was interesting to see how much second hand knowledge my husband has also picked-up on. He even commented on it as we were leaving that he surprised himself with how much he already knew. And I thought he never listened!
Classes start in January, which gives us plenty of time to move and get all that in order. There are 11 classes, 1 per week. And then there's the paperwork. Oodles of it. We need fingerprints, background checks, relative info, pay stubs, bank account info, mortgage info, dog vaccine info, full physicals, references, and the list goes on and on. We'll be meeting with a licensing worker to go over it all soon.
At the end of the meeting, they asked if anyone had questions. Yep, you guessed it, they were all directed at me. I have a feeling this is likely to happen during training classes as well.
Lots of mixed emotions. I am happy to get started, and sad that holds a form of resignation to having a biological child. I worry my own adoption luggage will be hard to keep in the closet, and I don't want to pass it along to any child. I wonder how I will approach the discussion of adoption, and how it will be taken. In many ways, adopting an older child alleviates some of this because they already know. You will have to fill in some details, but the big whammy is already in the open.
I wonder if our child will get ADHD or Bi-Polar disorder since so many of the children I work with have these diagnosis. I worry about how I will address this.
There is just so much that you think you can control if it's your biological child, that you risk if it's not. But when I really think about it, there are no major differences. It's all a crap shoot. Like why one woman can get pregnant and another can't. Why some miscarry and others don't. Why IF goes unexplained. Why physical abnormalities occur without reason.
I suppose the point is I am scared. With all that I already know about what we're about to do, there are so many things I don't. My husband is looking to me for direction and information, and I am looking within myself for peace and understanding. I feel a lot of pressure.
There's the 'too soon' argument, that we should slow down until I am comfortable with this direction we're forced to be going, but I don't think that's the answer. I don't know if I will ever be ok with not being able to have a biological child. If I will ever get rid of my own emotional baggage about adoption. If I will ever stop worrying, thinking, freaking myself out over the possibilities.
So here we go! Grab a paddle and get going since you're stuck in the boat, anyway.
This meeting was a taste of what is to come. There weren't many people there, and it was fairly obvious the ones that were did not have a lot of background information about the system. Which is why the agencies have these orientations!
For me, it was quite painful. My knowledge is also a hinderance, because I was bored to death. And sure enough, the woman running the show was someone I know, so she would ask me questions throughout the orientation! I tried to be as quiet as possible, because no one likes a know-it-all, but she kept asking me questions!!!
It was interesting to see how much second hand knowledge my husband has also picked-up on. He even commented on it as we were leaving that he surprised himself with how much he already knew. And I thought he never listened!
Classes start in January, which gives us plenty of time to move and get all that in order. There are 11 classes, 1 per week. And then there's the paperwork. Oodles of it. We need fingerprints, background checks, relative info, pay stubs, bank account info, mortgage info, dog vaccine info, full physicals, references, and the list goes on and on. We'll be meeting with a licensing worker to go over it all soon.
At the end of the meeting, they asked if anyone had questions. Yep, you guessed it, they were all directed at me. I have a feeling this is likely to happen during training classes as well.
Lots of mixed emotions. I am happy to get started, and sad that holds a form of resignation to having a biological child. I worry my own adoption luggage will be hard to keep in the closet, and I don't want to pass it along to any child. I wonder how I will approach the discussion of adoption, and how it will be taken. In many ways, adopting an older child alleviates some of this because they already know. You will have to fill in some details, but the big whammy is already in the open.
I wonder if our child will get ADHD or Bi-Polar disorder since so many of the children I work with have these diagnosis. I worry about how I will address this.
There is just so much that you think you can control if it's your biological child, that you risk if it's not. But when I really think about it, there are no major differences. It's all a crap shoot. Like why one woman can get pregnant and another can't. Why some miscarry and others don't. Why IF goes unexplained. Why physical abnormalities occur without reason.
I suppose the point is I am scared. With all that I already know about what we're about to do, there are so many things I don't. My husband is looking to me for direction and information, and I am looking within myself for peace and understanding. I feel a lot of pressure.
There's the 'too soon' argument, that we should slow down until I am comfortable with this direction we're forced to be going, but I don't think that's the answer. I don't know if I will ever be ok with not being able to have a biological child. If I will ever get rid of my own emotional baggage about adoption. If I will ever stop worrying, thinking, freaking myself out over the possibilities.
So here we go! Grab a paddle and get going since you're stuck in the boat, anyway.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
I appreciate all of the comments from my last post. There were many who thought I should get a second opinion. What I failed to mention is that this kinda WAS the second opinion.
When the first IVF failed so horribly, and we decided to try once more, we interviewed new doctors. I was upset with the first office because they did not inform me none of the embies were able to be frozen until I had the nurse call to check while I was getting my pg test. I knew I wasn't pregnant (you know, how you just KNOW), so I was really counting on the ability to transfer some frozen embies. Needless to say I was devistated, but also very very angry no one bothered to call and tell me.
We agreed to shop around. Interviewed 3 docs. #1 freaked me out because he was agreeing to do every test I wanted. Some may see this as a good thing, but I was concerned he didn't appear to have any opinion at all, just yep yep yep. Agreeable is good, but it was too much.
#2 was good but spent the entire time talking to my husband. I would ask a question and he would then look at hubby and respond. I redirected him a couple of times to talk to me, but blech. No thanks. It's my body he's going to be intimate with, the least he can do is make eye contact! Reminded me of a car mechanic who thinks the woman doesn't know anything so they automatically address the man. Unless you have nice boobies, of course.
Went with #3. He reviewed everything PRIOR to our appointment. He spoke to me, looked at me, addressed me. On the alternate, hubby commented being put off because the dr didn't pay him much attention! I laughed at that. Poor boys aren't used to that... pity. This same dr met with me last week and went over every part of the cycle. Showed me pictures, diagrams, the works. It was obvious he wanted me to understand everything, which was refreshing.
All of the other dr's had this and that vague idea of what the problem was, but #3 was precise. Did say there was always a chance, but I prefer this direct approach.
Before even entering, I had an idea my eggs were an issue. I looked over all the results of both treatments and saw where everything stalled. Happened right at the time of multiply and divide, which is the egg's responsibility.
In some ways I am ok with this outcome. I always said I just wanted an answer. Yeah, it's not a good answer, and sure as shit not the one I was hoping for, but there it is anyway. And my hope is not entirely gone, either. Maybe there's one hiding in there just waiting for the right moment. Maybe that's now.
Here's the interesting thing. I am late for AF. I started spotting a week ago, but nothing major and all dark. Now, nothing. Not even a hint of AF arrival. No bloating, cravings, cramps. Nada. It's CD 28. I am NOT getting my hopes up much, but it is interesting. I have always been irregular (and not just in this area hahaha) but this is a new thing. I have been early, or gone for 2 weeks straight, but usually spotting leads into the full cycle and I have all the symptoms in advance.
Can I just say that my body sucks? I will TOTALLY redact that statement if things change in the future, but for now I stand by it.
When the first IVF failed so horribly, and we decided to try once more, we interviewed new doctors. I was upset with the first office because they did not inform me none of the embies were able to be frozen until I had the nurse call to check while I was getting my pg test. I knew I wasn't pregnant (you know, how you just KNOW), so I was really counting on the ability to transfer some frozen embies. Needless to say I was devistated, but also very very angry no one bothered to call and tell me.
We agreed to shop around. Interviewed 3 docs. #1 freaked me out because he was agreeing to do every test I wanted. Some may see this as a good thing, but I was concerned he didn't appear to have any opinion at all, just yep yep yep. Agreeable is good, but it was too much.
#2 was good but spent the entire time talking to my husband. I would ask a question and he would then look at hubby and respond. I redirected him a couple of times to talk to me, but blech. No thanks. It's my body he's going to be intimate with, the least he can do is make eye contact! Reminded me of a car mechanic who thinks the woman doesn't know anything so they automatically address the man. Unless you have nice boobies, of course.
Went with #3. He reviewed everything PRIOR to our appointment. He spoke to me, looked at me, addressed me. On the alternate, hubby commented being put off because the dr didn't pay him much attention! I laughed at that. Poor boys aren't used to that... pity. This same dr met with me last week and went over every part of the cycle. Showed me pictures, diagrams, the works. It was obvious he wanted me to understand everything, which was refreshing.
All of the other dr's had this and that vague idea of what the problem was, but #3 was precise. Did say there was always a chance, but I prefer this direct approach.
Before even entering, I had an idea my eggs were an issue. I looked over all the results of both treatments and saw where everything stalled. Happened right at the time of multiply and divide, which is the egg's responsibility.
In some ways I am ok with this outcome. I always said I just wanted an answer. Yeah, it's not a good answer, and sure as shit not the one I was hoping for, but there it is anyway. And my hope is not entirely gone, either. Maybe there's one hiding in there just waiting for the right moment. Maybe that's now.
Here's the interesting thing. I am late for AF. I started spotting a week ago, but nothing major and all dark. Now, nothing. Not even a hint of AF arrival. No bloating, cravings, cramps. Nada. It's CD 28. I am NOT getting my hopes up much, but it is interesting. I have always been irregular (and not just in this area hahaha) but this is a new thing. I have been early, or gone for 2 weeks straight, but usually spotting leads into the full cycle and I have all the symptoms in advance.
Can I just say that my body sucks? I will TOTALLY redact that statement if things change in the future, but for now I stand by it.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Cars with no engines. Tweenkies with no filling.
Went to the dr on Thursday for a follow-up. I was looking for some more concrete answers then the same ol' "we'll see how it goes" crap. This time I walked in knowing I was not leaving until I got the dr to give me a real opinion. He was receptive and open. Went through the entire cycle.
18 eggs retrieved, 15 mature. All hormone levels normal. Wonderful stim. Embie dr watches all the eggs, including immature. Puts immature in dish and surrounds with sperm just to see what happens. One of my 3 fertilized. So we're at 16 ebies to start.
And that's where it all goes to shit.
Embies are supposed to divide and multiply. Mine seem to have missed that memo. Most stalled quickly, around the 4 cell mark. The "good" one implanted was a 16 cell, however, it jumped from 4-16 and kinda missed the 8 point, which is abnormal. Other two "best" embies were 7 cell, which is pretty dismal as they should have at least been at 8.
SO WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME IS THAT MY EGGS ARE BAD?
Well, not bad exactly, but obviously abnormal. They appear to be missing the mechanism that encourages the cell division necessary for growth.
IS THERE ANY WAY TO CORRECT THIS?
No.
WHAT ARE MY OPTIONS?
We could continue to try IVF in the hopes that there is one good egg in there, but to be honest, it doesn't look good. You could opt for a donor egg, however, this will be quite expensive and there are no guarantees. There is quite a waiting list for donor eggs as we speak. If you had your own sponsor, you could get started a lot sooner, and it would mediate the cost of buying someone's eggs, but you're still faced with a large expense and there are no guarantees that would lead to a successful pregnancy. There is a chance that your entire reproductive system is compromised, which would explain the continual production of abnormal eggs.
And that's it. Game over. Rotten eggs. Who'd have thought? I mean, I read about abnormal hormone levels, low sperm counts, bad stimulation....... the list goes on. But I have NEVER heard of rotten eggs. I had a guess since both rounds of IVF were similar with everything hunky dory until the ICSI part; But it's another thing entirely to hear it out loud. Loud like a door slamming. Bomb exploding. Hope being shattered like a million pieces of glass. My heart breaking.
18 eggs retrieved, 15 mature. All hormone levels normal. Wonderful stim. Embie dr watches all the eggs, including immature. Puts immature in dish and surrounds with sperm just to see what happens. One of my 3 fertilized. So we're at 16 ebies to start.
And that's where it all goes to shit.
Embies are supposed to divide and multiply. Mine seem to have missed that memo. Most stalled quickly, around the 4 cell mark. The "good" one implanted was a 16 cell, however, it jumped from 4-16 and kinda missed the 8 point, which is abnormal. Other two "best" embies were 7 cell, which is pretty dismal as they should have at least been at 8.
SO WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME IS THAT MY EGGS ARE BAD?
Well, not bad exactly, but obviously abnormal. They appear to be missing the mechanism that encourages the cell division necessary for growth.
IS THERE ANY WAY TO CORRECT THIS?
No.
WHAT ARE MY OPTIONS?
We could continue to try IVF in the hopes that there is one good egg in there, but to be honest, it doesn't look good. You could opt for a donor egg, however, this will be quite expensive and there are no guarantees. There is quite a waiting list for donor eggs as we speak. If you had your own sponsor, you could get started a lot sooner, and it would mediate the cost of buying someone's eggs, but you're still faced with a large expense and there are no guarantees that would lead to a successful pregnancy. There is a chance that your entire reproductive system is compromised, which would explain the continual production of abnormal eggs.
And that's it. Game over. Rotten eggs. Who'd have thought? I mean, I read about abnormal hormone levels, low sperm counts, bad stimulation....... the list goes on. But I have NEVER heard of rotten eggs. I had a guess since both rounds of IVF were similar with everything hunky dory until the ICSI part; But it's another thing entirely to hear it out loud. Loud like a door slamming. Bomb exploding. Hope being shattered like a million pieces of glass. My heart breaking.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
It just never ends
Man oh Man. Just when you think you're more or less past something, it reaches out and grabs you by the balls and gives you a good twist.
I have this dual personality. In many ways, I'm an onward and upward type of person. When life gives me lemons, I use them to hit someone. When a door closes, I kick it until it breaks from the frame. Maybe not such good references since I am soundling like a violent chic, but you get the point. I don't linger. I had to learn this trick over many years of personal struggles. If I let myself, I will get lost in my own head. Sometimes for days at a time I wouldn't sleep or eat. Total depression. Suicidal, the works. Can't be doing that....
I also have difficulty letting go. Used to stay friends with every ex-boyfriend. Look up old high school people just to see what they're doing. Think about what I could have done differently and what that alternate choice would have meant. Cumpulsive second guesser.
I have been trying to keep busy looking forward to foster care and adoption. Thinking about other things helps not to dwell on current unhappy events.
Last night, out of nowhere, laying in bed at 11PM, I started bawling. Quietly, but full bodied shaking tearfest. I didn't want hubby to hear and come in. I don't know why, exactly, but partly because I was just in my own moment by myself and wanted to keep it that way.
As much as I try to move on in my head, my heart still aches. I know so much about adoption, and you'd think I would find comfort in this, but I don't. A little, but not much. I know I want to be a mother and that's the only way, but I really really really wanted to get pregnant and have my own baby.
It sounds so silly and selfish, but there it is. And I really don't care about what anyone else thinks of that. Counseling 101: you feel what you feel whether it's 'wrong' or 'right'.
I have dreamt the same dream for so long. As a child, playing pretend, I would put a pillow under my shirt and be the mommy. All other kids were my children. When my friends were pregnant, I imagined it was me. I put myself in their shoes every step of the way. When in the delivery room helping my best friend bring her little girl into the world, I wanted to feel her pain. I cut the ambilicle cord. I held her daughter all night long so my friend could sleep. I don't want to be the godmother, I want to be the mother. I want all of those experiences, even if they are difficult. I want to get swollen ankles. I want to look like I swallowed a beach ball. I want to experience pushing life out. I want to breast feed.
And there's the hole, knowing this is not likely to happen. What do you do with that? I know it will take time. But I am so fucking sick of time. All of IF is time. Waiting, hoping, time ticking by. And every month is marked by a big useless period. Blech.
I have this dual personality. In many ways, I'm an onward and upward type of person. When life gives me lemons, I use them to hit someone. When a door closes, I kick it until it breaks from the frame. Maybe not such good references since I am soundling like a violent chic, but you get the point. I don't linger. I had to learn this trick over many years of personal struggles. If I let myself, I will get lost in my own head. Sometimes for days at a time I wouldn't sleep or eat. Total depression. Suicidal, the works. Can't be doing that....
I also have difficulty letting go. Used to stay friends with every ex-boyfriend. Look up old high school people just to see what they're doing. Think about what I could have done differently and what that alternate choice would have meant. Cumpulsive second guesser.
I have been trying to keep busy looking forward to foster care and adoption. Thinking about other things helps not to dwell on current unhappy events.
Last night, out of nowhere, laying in bed at 11PM, I started bawling. Quietly, but full bodied shaking tearfest. I didn't want hubby to hear and come in. I don't know why, exactly, but partly because I was just in my own moment by myself and wanted to keep it that way.
As much as I try to move on in my head, my heart still aches. I know so much about adoption, and you'd think I would find comfort in this, but I don't. A little, but not much. I know I want to be a mother and that's the only way, but I really really really wanted to get pregnant and have my own baby.
It sounds so silly and selfish, but there it is. And I really don't care about what anyone else thinks of that. Counseling 101: you feel what you feel whether it's 'wrong' or 'right'.
I have dreamt the same dream for so long. As a child, playing pretend, I would put a pillow under my shirt and be the mommy. All other kids were my children. When my friends were pregnant, I imagined it was me. I put myself in their shoes every step of the way. When in the delivery room helping my best friend bring her little girl into the world, I wanted to feel her pain. I cut the ambilicle cord. I held her daughter all night long so my friend could sleep. I don't want to be the godmother, I want to be the mother. I want all of those experiences, even if they are difficult. I want to get swollen ankles. I want to look like I swallowed a beach ball. I want to experience pushing life out. I want to breast feed.
And there's the hole, knowing this is not likely to happen. What do you do with that? I know it will take time. But I am so fucking sick of time. All of IF is time. Waiting, hoping, time ticking by. And every month is marked by a big useless period. Blech.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Just some stuff
Once again, sitting at work doing everything BUT work, including reading blogs, posting comments, and creating a new post. I don't even have much to say! Now that we're inbetween, meaning no more ART but not yet starting foster/adopt process, things are just pretty stagnent.
AKA - boring.
We went to the new house on Saturday and it's coming along quickly. Drywall finished, tile in. Needs countertops, carpet, and appliances. And lighting fixtures and that kinda junk. But we're so so so ready to get in there!!! I cannot wait to get started decorating my little butt off. The smell of paint and plastic bags that many decorating necessities come in (curtains, comforters, new pillows). Ahhhhh.
Then we looked in the back yard and realized what a job that's going to be. The lot is .3 acre. That's a whole lotta landscaping! And since we're the do it yourself couple, that's a whole lotta work. Trenching has to be the worst part about it. Muscle building. Like an outdoor gym that gives you blisters and a backache.
Haven't 'gone' anywhere with the homeopathic path to pregnancy. Focusing on losing some weight first. Drinking a ton of water, which means I'm a pee machine. I don't think I have ever spent this much time in the bathroom unless I was ill! Cut back portions by close to 1/2. Trying to eat a lot more veggies - pretty easy since I like most of them. No desserts, even the low fat and calorie, until I lose 15lbs. Clench my butt cheeks going up and down the stairs to 3rd floor apartment. Thigh master thing while watching TV.
And most recently walk/jogging with hubby. Went yesterday in the AM, bout a mile. Not bad for the first go in a long while. May not have been good timing since in the afternoon I went with my friend and her 2 boys (ones from the why my husband needs parenting classes post) to a pumpkin festival. Spent about 4.5 hours on my feet. It was fun with rides and carnival type atmosphere.
First week lost 4lbs. Last week -2. Guess that's progress but I am not a patient person. I want instant results! Oh well.
Um, what else of interest. Bought a new couch. GIANT sectional to be delivered when we move. It's an L shape with two full couches and a chaise at the end. Microfabric, boring taupe color. Really comfy. It will be in the family room, replacing the 2 couches we currently have that are a nightmare. Bought them at a model home furniture sale for a steal. Neglected to realize the fabric was a kind of woven material in which all dog hair worked it's way into and did not want to come out without hours of hand vacuuming. They're pretty trashed with sheets covering them. Classy, I know. Hubby wants to toss them but being the Mrs. Frugal I am I have overridden this impulse decision and elected we are going to put them in the loft and I will purchase couch covers when they go on sale somewhere. You won't really see them in the loft, anyway.
I guess that's it. Was it worth your time reading? (0:
Oh Oh Oh!!!!! I almost forgot that you need to look at this page ASAP. The Nixter and I have decided to run with the Secret Santa idea. The problem is we need some participants! I got some good feedback on my post bringing it up, but now we need some committment people!! The instructions are on her site, which the page reference above should take you to. So join in the fun and give me something to do or I will continue to write rambling posts like this one!!!
AKA - boring.
We went to the new house on Saturday and it's coming along quickly. Drywall finished, tile in. Needs countertops, carpet, and appliances. And lighting fixtures and that kinda junk. But we're so so so ready to get in there!!! I cannot wait to get started decorating my little butt off. The smell of paint and plastic bags that many decorating necessities come in (curtains, comforters, new pillows). Ahhhhh.
Then we looked in the back yard and realized what a job that's going to be. The lot is .3 acre. That's a whole lotta landscaping! And since we're the do it yourself couple, that's a whole lotta work. Trenching has to be the worst part about it. Muscle building. Like an outdoor gym that gives you blisters and a backache.
Haven't 'gone' anywhere with the homeopathic path to pregnancy. Focusing on losing some weight first. Drinking a ton of water, which means I'm a pee machine. I don't think I have ever spent this much time in the bathroom unless I was ill! Cut back portions by close to 1/2. Trying to eat a lot more veggies - pretty easy since I like most of them. No desserts, even the low fat and calorie, until I lose 15lbs. Clench my butt cheeks going up and down the stairs to 3rd floor apartment. Thigh master thing while watching TV.
And most recently walk/jogging with hubby. Went yesterday in the AM, bout a mile. Not bad for the first go in a long while. May not have been good timing since in the afternoon I went with my friend and her 2 boys (ones from the why my husband needs parenting classes post) to a pumpkin festival. Spent about 4.5 hours on my feet. It was fun with rides and carnival type atmosphere.
First week lost 4lbs. Last week -2. Guess that's progress but I am not a patient person. I want instant results! Oh well.
Um, what else of interest. Bought a new couch. GIANT sectional to be delivered when we move. It's an L shape with two full couches and a chaise at the end. Microfabric, boring taupe color. Really comfy. It will be in the family room, replacing the 2 couches we currently have that are a nightmare. Bought them at a model home furniture sale for a steal. Neglected to realize the fabric was a kind of woven material in which all dog hair worked it's way into and did not want to come out without hours of hand vacuuming. They're pretty trashed with sheets covering them. Classy, I know. Hubby wants to toss them but being the Mrs. Frugal I am I have overridden this impulse decision and elected we are going to put them in the loft and I will purchase couch covers when they go on sale somewhere. You won't really see them in the loft, anyway.
I guess that's it. Was it worth your time reading? (0:
Oh Oh Oh!!!!! I almost forgot that you need to look at this page ASAP. The Nixter and I have decided to run with the Secret Santa idea. The problem is we need some participants! I got some good feedback on my post bringing it up, but now we need some committment people!! The instructions are on her site, which the page reference above should take you to. So join in the fun and give me something to do or I will continue to write rambling posts like this one!!!
Friday, October 20, 2006
Couldya just shite yourself
Interesting day to say the least. Started off with an 'are you serious' moment. I was discussing my plans to do foster/adopt with a licensing worker I know. She finally asked the BIG QUESTION: Why? I told her my husband and I had been trying for awhile and were unsuccessful having biological children. She then asked the usual have you tried this and that. Then she said this:
But you're so pretty!
OK. Did I miss something? Is there a correlation to looks and fertility? I struggle to believe this since I have some seriously fertile clients that in my opinion (most of which are surely tickets to hell) have been hit with the fugly stick a few times.
Then this conversation, about 30 minutes later. In the lunchroom sippin some soup and reading a trashy mag all by my lonesome when a girl comes in. There are A LOT of girls in this office, many of whom I don't know. We all run our own schedules and seldom interact with anyone other then the people in our unit (7 peeps). I don't know this girl's name or what she does.
She turns from the microwave and says "I know this is kinda wierd, but I was talking with 'heather' and she mentioned you have been doing IVF".
'Um, yeah'.
"I also heard you were going to be quitting to do foster care because it didn't work".
'right again'.
"Well, like I said, this is kinda wierd but when 'heather' told me this I decided to come and talk to you. My husband and I did IVF 3 times and it failed each time. All were fresh cycles because even though I had good results from stims and plenty of eggs, they were only able to get 2-3 good embies and the rest all stalled. The last cycle was in June. The doctor couldn't tell us what had happened, it just didn't work.
Since I am 34 and we've been trying 6 years, we decided to move on and adopt. We found and agency and started our paperwork. Last month, I found out I was pregnant. I'm 3 months".
'Wow. Congratulations. That's amazing'.
"Thanks. I just thought maybe if it happened for us it could happen for you. I think it's great you're going to do foster care, but I really hope you get a surprise like I did. You just never know."
And she's out the door.
I guess you just never know.
~ Oh, forgot to mention she is not pretty (in my evil opinion)
defiling the aforementioned comment of the day ~
~ Still don't know her name or what she does here ~
~ Maybe she was a figment of my imagination ~
~ Should I be using 'women' instead of 'girls'? Sounds old. Ladies sounds too formal ~
But you're so pretty!
OK. Did I miss something? Is there a correlation to looks and fertility? I struggle to believe this since I have some seriously fertile clients that in my opinion (most of which are surely tickets to hell) have been hit with the fugly stick a few times.
Then this conversation, about 30 minutes later. In the lunchroom sippin some soup and reading a trashy mag all by my lonesome when a girl comes in. There are A LOT of girls in this office, many of whom I don't know. We all run our own schedules and seldom interact with anyone other then the people in our unit (7 peeps). I don't know this girl's name or what she does.
She turns from the microwave and says "I know this is kinda wierd, but I was talking with 'heather' and she mentioned you have been doing IVF".
'Um, yeah'.
"I also heard you were going to be quitting to do foster care because it didn't work".
'right again'.
"Well, like I said, this is kinda wierd but when 'heather' told me this I decided to come and talk to you. My husband and I did IVF 3 times and it failed each time. All were fresh cycles because even though I had good results from stims and plenty of eggs, they were only able to get 2-3 good embies and the rest all stalled. The last cycle was in June. The doctor couldn't tell us what had happened, it just didn't work.
Since I am 34 and we've been trying 6 years, we decided to move on and adopt. We found and agency and started our paperwork. Last month, I found out I was pregnant. I'm 3 months".
'Wow. Congratulations. That's amazing'.
"Thanks. I just thought maybe if it happened for us it could happen for you. I think it's great you're going to do foster care, but I really hope you get a surprise like I did. You just never know."
And she's out the door.
I guess you just never know.
~ Oh, forgot to mention she is not pretty (in my evil opinion)
defiling the aforementioned comment of the day ~
~ Still don't know her name or what she does here ~
~ Maybe she was a figment of my imagination ~
~ Should I be using 'women' instead of 'girls'? Sounds old. Ladies sounds too formal ~
Thursday, October 19, 2006
GAME ON!!!!
********************UPDATED INFO!!!!!!!*******************
Like my Wayne's World reference??
Anyhoo, the Secret Santa is on.
Here's how it's gonna work:
If you want to participate, e-mail your blog name, real name, e-mail address, and home address to ugot2bekidding@gmail.com by 10-31. Nixter will keep track and write down the names and draw from a hat. She'll send out e-mails telling everyone who they've got, and that persons information. See her blog at this page for details~
Now, I realize many of us are pretty freakin broke from doing all of our treatments. Some of us pay out of pocket, others miss work, and there are numerous financial hardships. I don't want this to stop anyone from participating. The point of this 'game' is to create a diversion and spread some fun. It can be cheap as you want it to be. Even a card with well wishing in it, something hand made, scrapbook page, something knitted (since I see so many people are doing this), whatever! It is not meant to be stressful like the rest of the Christmas purchases, so I hope all who participate are able to take it with a grain of salt. And if you want, you can donate to a charity in your persons name and just send a card, or get something for a foster angel. Be as creative as you want~
I'm hoping we get a lot of people involved as it's a case of the more the merrier! Feel free to post the idea on your blog to get your own 'following' involved as not everyone reads every blog. Here's to an early Merry Christmas!!
Like my Wayne's World reference??
Anyhoo, the Secret Santa is on.
Here's how it's gonna work:
If you want to participate, e-mail your blog name, real name, e-mail address, and home address to ugot2bekidding@gmail.com by 10-31. Nixter will keep track and write down the names and draw from a hat. She'll send out e-mails telling everyone who they've got, and that persons information. See her blog at this page for details~
Now, I realize many of us are pretty freakin broke from doing all of our treatments. Some of us pay out of pocket, others miss work, and there are numerous financial hardships. I don't want this to stop anyone from participating. The point of this 'game' is to create a diversion and spread some fun. It can be cheap as you want it to be. Even a card with well wishing in it, something hand made, scrapbook page, something knitted (since I see so many people are doing this), whatever! It is not meant to be stressful like the rest of the Christmas purchases, so I hope all who participate are able to take it with a grain of salt. And if you want, you can donate to a charity in your persons name and just send a card, or get something for a foster angel. Be as creative as you want~
I'm hoping we get a lot of people involved as it's a case of the more the merrier! Feel free to post the idea on your blog to get your own 'following' involved as not everyone reads every blog. Here's to an early Merry Christmas!!
Monday, October 16, 2006
Christmas is Coming!!!
OK. I know, I know. It's only October. There's Halloween and Thanksgiving before Christmas (here in the states as there are many IF bloggers far far away). But lately I have been thinking a lot about Christmas.
There are several reasons. 1) we are scheduled to close on the new house 12-7, and I am constantly thinking of all the decorating I will need to complete before Christmas. 2) Hubby and I are meeting up with his SIL (SIL, Millicent, currently in Ireland. Read blog for details and a laugh - she's very witty and can throw a sentence together fairly nicely) and her hubby and his sister and Dad and step-mom next month in Portland. SIL has been far far away for awhile now and missed last Christmas. Won't be here this December either. So it's like we're celebrating a bit early this year. 3) the sad sad thoughts of not giving everyone the present I wanted to. No need to elaborate as #3 has been 'done' to death. 4) refocusing on something other then #3. 5) reading wzgirl post about secret pals sending things and thinking how much fun that would be. 6) I'm looking for anything to think about that's happy so I don't find myself a big poop all the time.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....................................
Here's my thought ~ Wouldn't it be fun to start a little secret santa club among the IFers?? I know it sounds oh so silly, and probably a bit impractical since half of us don't even use our real names, but come on! There are many times I feel I know the usual suspects better then some of my own friends. It's a strange little relationship we've all come to form, but one of the most supportive I could ever have asked for. And everybody loves presents (0:
Just a thought. Not a plan, a thought that I'm putting out there for kicks. If there's interest then maybe we can brainstorm the details??? I think it could be interesting and keep our minds on other things even if it's only for a moment...............
There are several reasons. 1) we are scheduled to close on the new house 12-7, and I am constantly thinking of all the decorating I will need to complete before Christmas. 2) Hubby and I are meeting up with his SIL (SIL, Millicent, currently in Ireland. Read blog for details and a laugh - she's very witty and can throw a sentence together fairly nicely) and her hubby and his sister and Dad and step-mom next month in Portland. SIL has been far far away for awhile now and missed last Christmas. Won't be here this December either. So it's like we're celebrating a bit early this year. 3) the sad sad thoughts of not giving everyone the present I wanted to. No need to elaborate as #3 has been 'done' to death. 4) refocusing on something other then #3. 5) reading wzgirl post about secret pals sending things and thinking how much fun that would be. 6) I'm looking for anything to think about that's happy so I don't find myself a big poop all the time.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....................................
Here's my thought ~ Wouldn't it be fun to start a little secret santa club among the IFers?? I know it sounds oh so silly, and probably a bit impractical since half of us don't even use our real names, but come on! There are many times I feel I know the usual suspects better then some of my own friends. It's a strange little relationship we've all come to form, but one of the most supportive I could ever have asked for. And everybody loves presents (0:
Just a thought. Not a plan, a thought that I'm putting out there for kicks. If there's interest then maybe we can brainstorm the details??? I think it could be interesting and keep our minds on other things even if it's only for a moment...............
Friday, October 13, 2006
What I Do
I have thus far not posted just about my job. I reference it, but mostly in my comments on other blogs.
I work for Child Protective Services. I am a case manager. There are two parts to this system. The first is the Investigative workers. They respond to the calls that come into the District office reporting any kind of abuse of children. They go to the child, evaluate the situation, and make the decision (after staffing with many people unless the child is in imminent danger) on whether to remove a child from their home. Then the child is placed with a foster parent or in a shelter (which is usually a house with 2-3 staff members and chidren of the same age), or with a family friend or relative. Then paperwork is filed with the court and the Judge decides if the child will become a ward of the Court.
After all this, the case comes to the ongoing worker, which is me. I am responsible to meet with the parents, the children, the care providers, etc. I set up services for the parents to participate in, such as psychological evaluation, counseling, parenting skills, supervised visits, mental health assessments, drug testing, drug dependency evaluation. I also set up services for the children. I meet with the kids once per month in their homes to make sure all their needs are met and that they are doing ok in their placements. I go to Court and report how the case is progressing, usually ending up filing to have the parental rights terminated.
Many of our cases are related to drug use. Meth. Parents using leads to neglect of the child and poor decision making. I have 2 sex abuse cases and 1 physical abuse. I have 34 kids on my caseload right now.
Most of my cases are the 'hard' ones because I have a high threshold. I am able to tolerate the cases my co-workers cannot. I do not stress out often, and use humor to cope with most things. Many of my cases go on for 2+ years because it takes a long time to change a plan to severance, then go to trial, then win. I get a lot of satisfaction from terminating parental rights and am usually not remorseful. Most of the parents I work with are really messed-up and their children deserve better. And my children have almost all ended-up in amazing adoptive homes.
I am good at my job.
And it drives me insane. Going through IF and watching these whack jobs have child after child is extremely frustrating.
I have a case right now that I have had for 4 years. It started off with Cee being the child on my case. She was 16 and pregnant and in detention. She tried to miscarry by throwing herself against a sink and refusing to eat. I took her baby when she was born and placed her in her current adoptive home. She is now 3 and very very happy.
Cee got pregnant again. She told me she was not pregnant, she had a tumor. She did not come clean until she was 8 months along. She knew we would be removing the child, so she went to another town to have the baby, then hid him out for 3 weeks - even after the Judge ordered her to turn him over. And to backtrack, baby1's father is a methhead, #2's father was in detention for selling meth at 16.
Then comes #3. She was born in June. She tried to convince us the child was 4 months premature so that the time would match up for #3 to have the same father as #2. Paternity testing ended that game and #3's father is John Doe. Cee just informed me she is pregnant with #4. She turned 20 in September. I knew she was going to do this because she would have to get pregnant again to keep dad#2 around since child #3 was not his.
We are working on returning her children, slowly. She is living with father#2 and working and they have an apartment. She has made some positive changes. She will always lie and make stupid choices, but at the end of the day the SYSTEM only requires a parent present no safety risk for their child and an ability to minimally parent.
So there's a taste of my life and why I often take breaks to surf the blogosphere.
I work for Child Protective Services. I am a case manager. There are two parts to this system. The first is the Investigative workers. They respond to the calls that come into the District office reporting any kind of abuse of children. They go to the child, evaluate the situation, and make the decision (after staffing with many people unless the child is in imminent danger) on whether to remove a child from their home. Then the child is placed with a foster parent or in a shelter (which is usually a house with 2-3 staff members and chidren of the same age), or with a family friend or relative. Then paperwork is filed with the court and the Judge decides if the child will become a ward of the Court.
After all this, the case comes to the ongoing worker, which is me. I am responsible to meet with the parents, the children, the care providers, etc. I set up services for the parents to participate in, such as psychological evaluation, counseling, parenting skills, supervised visits, mental health assessments, drug testing, drug dependency evaluation. I also set up services for the children. I meet with the kids once per month in their homes to make sure all their needs are met and that they are doing ok in their placements. I go to Court and report how the case is progressing, usually ending up filing to have the parental rights terminated.
Many of our cases are related to drug use. Meth. Parents using leads to neglect of the child and poor decision making. I have 2 sex abuse cases and 1 physical abuse. I have 34 kids on my caseload right now.
Most of my cases are the 'hard' ones because I have a high threshold. I am able to tolerate the cases my co-workers cannot. I do not stress out often, and use humor to cope with most things. Many of my cases go on for 2+ years because it takes a long time to change a plan to severance, then go to trial, then win. I get a lot of satisfaction from terminating parental rights and am usually not remorseful. Most of the parents I work with are really messed-up and their children deserve better. And my children have almost all ended-up in amazing adoptive homes.
I am good at my job.
And it drives me insane. Going through IF and watching these whack jobs have child after child is extremely frustrating.
I have a case right now that I have had for 4 years. It started off with Cee being the child on my case. She was 16 and pregnant and in detention. She tried to miscarry by throwing herself against a sink and refusing to eat. I took her baby when she was born and placed her in her current adoptive home. She is now 3 and very very happy.
Cee got pregnant again. She told me she was not pregnant, she had a tumor. She did not come clean until she was 8 months along. She knew we would be removing the child, so she went to another town to have the baby, then hid him out for 3 weeks - even after the Judge ordered her to turn him over. And to backtrack, baby1's father is a methhead, #2's father was in detention for selling meth at 16.
Then comes #3. She was born in June. She tried to convince us the child was 4 months premature so that the time would match up for #3 to have the same father as #2. Paternity testing ended that game and #3's father is John Doe. Cee just informed me she is pregnant with #4. She turned 20 in September. I knew she was going to do this because she would have to get pregnant again to keep dad#2 around since child #3 was not his.
We are working on returning her children, slowly. She is living with father#2 and working and they have an apartment. She has made some positive changes. She will always lie and make stupid choices, but at the end of the day the SYSTEM only requires a parent present no safety risk for their child and an ability to minimally parent.
So there's a taste of my life and why I often take breaks to surf the blogosphere.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Stick it, Swallow it, Loose it
Now that I'm switching to a homeopathic mindset, I am curious what all you other bloggers know. What I mean is, I would like to know what you have tried, what has been helpful, what the Dr.s have told you, what you've read, etc.
I'll start.
* I was taking Fertility Blend for about 6 months. When I was 'interviewing' who would eventually become my new Dr., he told me he does not recommend it because it can throw your hormones out of whack. His thought was that the herbs in the FB are meant to raise your levels, which can help regulate your period and increase fertility, however, when taken all the time, your hormones may overcompensate or undercompensate.
* I have been taking prenatal pills for years. If anything, it helps my hair and nails grow! I have heard pros and cons about taking an additional folic acid. Can you take too much?
* I have read (and of course heard from a friend who successfully got pg) that acupuncture has been shown to increase fertility. I also heard it was good while doing IVF because it helps you relax. I've always wanted to try it, but it appears to be quite expensive and we were already sinking all our $ into the IVF.
* I have also read weight plays a part in IF. If you are more then 30 pounds overweight, it could contribute to IF. So I am dieting as of yesterday, and hoping to get back into some kinda shape other then round. On the other hand, I find I have some issues with the guidelines of what is a 'normal' weight. I am a curvy girl, with a big ol' butt and matching ta-tas, but I do not consider myself obese. The guideline states that I am obese. Hmmmmm. My obese ass can still get up a mountain in Sedona, and I still get looks at bars, and I can still shop for clothes at any store. ????
So here's where I ask for feedback. I would like to know what you all have heard or tried. I figure from this point on, I really have nothing to loose and may get some interesting suggestions...........
I'll start.
* I was taking Fertility Blend for about 6 months. When I was 'interviewing' who would eventually become my new Dr., he told me he does not recommend it because it can throw your hormones out of whack. His thought was that the herbs in the FB are meant to raise your levels, which can help regulate your period and increase fertility, however, when taken all the time, your hormones may overcompensate or undercompensate.
* I have been taking prenatal pills for years. If anything, it helps my hair and nails grow! I have heard pros and cons about taking an additional folic acid. Can you take too much?
* I have read (and of course heard from a friend who successfully got pg) that acupuncture has been shown to increase fertility. I also heard it was good while doing IVF because it helps you relax. I've always wanted to try it, but it appears to be quite expensive and we were already sinking all our $ into the IVF.
* I have also read weight plays a part in IF. If you are more then 30 pounds overweight, it could contribute to IF. So I am dieting as of yesterday, and hoping to get back into some kinda shape other then round. On the other hand, I find I have some issues with the guidelines of what is a 'normal' weight. I am a curvy girl, with a big ol' butt and matching ta-tas, but I do not consider myself obese. The guideline states that I am obese. Hmmmmm. My obese ass can still get up a mountain in Sedona, and I still get looks at bars, and I can still shop for clothes at any store. ????
So here's where I ask for feedback. I would like to know what you all have heard or tried. I figure from this point on, I really have nothing to loose and may get some interesting suggestions...........
Monday, October 09, 2006
I've been tagged
Baby Blue said it already, that there is this tagging thing going around with words given and responses requested. I have read everyone else's and always find them interesting to see how many variations of thought can revolve around one word. So here's mine:
1. Dive: EXTACY. I love scuba diving. Learned to swim before walking, a total water hog. Swam year round, synchonized swimmer, speed swimming, snorkeling, and then diving. I plan every vacation by first asking 'how's the diving there?'
2. Blue: My pool room at my old house. It had a blue felted pool table (get it, pool room) in it so I sponge painted two of the walls with blue colors. It looked pretty freakin' good!
3. Apple: Cider. We just got back from a 3 day mini holiday. Went to Sedona, Oak Creek, and Jerome. In Oak Creek, there are a bunch of apple orchards and this one road side stop where they sell organic apple cider. It is like a meal in itself. Like drinking an apple.
4. Hot: tub. Stayed at my parent's time share in Sedona and there is a jacuzzi tub in the bathroom. It's more of a jacuzzi then a tub with jets all over and seating for 2. I was in that thing at least twice a day and it was so hot the entire bathroom would steam up. It wasn't a good one unless I was purple when I got out.
So hmmmm. Now I need to play and tag someone else. Let's go with MIL Doris (and Ez but I know Doris does all the posting), and SIL Millicent, and NikkiNix. Your words will be:
1. jewels
2. fizzy
3. corner
4. unicorn
These may be silly words but I wrote whatever came to mind. Keeping it interesting, right?!?
Anyhow, how a pretty good vaca. Of course, Aunt flow packed up ALL of her stuff and came along for the ride, whining and complaining and being a total pain. And I mean total. Cramps like someone ripping the womanhood right out of me.
I commented to hubby that this is insult to injury. I mean, we've gotten the news we're not pregnant, a.g.a.i.n, and now this hellacious period. I have always had pretty nasty ones, but always thought it was ok because it served a purpose. What's the point now when I can't get pregnant??? Jaysus! Just makes it more annoying. Like a daily reminder of hahaha I don't work....... I digress.
So the three of us did our best to have a nice 'romantic' time. We tried and tried to kick AF to the back seat or leave her on the side of the road but she continuously caught up with us over and over again. Hiking? There she is. Romantic dinner? Yep. Looking at amazing art in Jerome? You guessed it. Five days and the bitch still hasn't let up. Starting to piss me off (0:
Obviously I'm doing pretty ok. As long as I don't talk about it out loud with anyone other then hubby. We've been discussing everything from foster care to adoption to decorating the nursery. I confided that I will never really give up the quest, and will still be looking at that calendar every month for awhile, and he didn't say much. I am pretty sure he already knew. As long as we move on I figure I can still hold on just a bit. Just in case~
1. Dive: EXTACY. I love scuba diving. Learned to swim before walking, a total water hog. Swam year round, synchonized swimmer, speed swimming, snorkeling, and then diving. I plan every vacation by first asking 'how's the diving there?'
2. Blue: My pool room at my old house. It had a blue felted pool table (get it, pool room) in it so I sponge painted two of the walls with blue colors. It looked pretty freakin' good!
3. Apple: Cider. We just got back from a 3 day mini holiday. Went to Sedona, Oak Creek, and Jerome. In Oak Creek, there are a bunch of apple orchards and this one road side stop where they sell organic apple cider. It is like a meal in itself. Like drinking an apple.
4. Hot: tub. Stayed at my parent's time share in Sedona and there is a jacuzzi tub in the bathroom. It's more of a jacuzzi then a tub with jets all over and seating for 2. I was in that thing at least twice a day and it was so hot the entire bathroom would steam up. It wasn't a good one unless I was purple when I got out.
So hmmmm. Now I need to play and tag someone else. Let's go with MIL Doris (and Ez but I know Doris does all the posting), and SIL Millicent, and NikkiNix. Your words will be:
1. jewels
2. fizzy
3. corner
4. unicorn
These may be silly words but I wrote whatever came to mind. Keeping it interesting, right?!?
Anyhow, how a pretty good vaca. Of course, Aunt flow packed up ALL of her stuff and came along for the ride, whining and complaining and being a total pain. And I mean total. Cramps like someone ripping the womanhood right out of me.
I commented to hubby that this is insult to injury. I mean, we've gotten the news we're not pregnant, a.g.a.i.n, and now this hellacious period. I have always had pretty nasty ones, but always thought it was ok because it served a purpose. What's the point now when I can't get pregnant??? Jaysus! Just makes it more annoying. Like a daily reminder of hahaha I don't work....... I digress.
So the three of us did our best to have a nice 'romantic' time. We tried and tried to kick AF to the back seat or leave her on the side of the road but she continuously caught up with us over and over again. Hiking? There she is. Romantic dinner? Yep. Looking at amazing art in Jerome? You guessed it. Five days and the bitch still hasn't let up. Starting to piss me off (0:
Obviously I'm doing pretty ok. As long as I don't talk about it out loud with anyone other then hubby. We've been discussing everything from foster care to adoption to decorating the nursery. I confided that I will never really give up the quest, and will still be looking at that calendar every month for awhile, and he didn't say much. I am pretty sure he already knew. As long as we move on I figure I can still hold on just a bit. Just in case~
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
why my husband needs parenting classes
Preface: friend John met and married Chhoden, who is from Bhuton. She has two sons. Boys lived in Bhuton and moved in with Chhoden and John appx 6 months prior to event. Religion- Buddist, non practicing. No real background in any other religious practices. English was fairly good, but there were many words boys did not understand. At time of following event (April) boys aged 6 & 8.
BBQ at my home with John, Chhoden, boys, hubby, and myself.
Sitting at kitchen counter; boys and I eating, hubby standing on other side. Parents out back sneaking a cigarette. Hubby wearing Arizona State University shirt with picture of Sun Devil, the mascott.
6yo: Uncle, what it that on your shirt
H: It's a Sun Devil
6yo: What's a Sun Devil?
H: It's the mascot of the school your dad and I went to
6yo: What is a mascot
Me: It's like the symbol for a school. Each one has their own and they represent that school in a funny kind of way. Someone dresses up like that symbol for football games and things and does tricks to make people happy.
8yo: Yeah. We have those in Bhuton...........
6yo -still looking perplexed: But what is a Sun Devil
H: Well, you know the anti-christ, right?
Me: Anybody want some more corn on the cob?!?
After H gets the hint and exits kitchen~
6yo: Auntie Stephanie, Uncle is kinda, um, funny.
Me: Yep. You could say that........
BBQ at my home with John, Chhoden, boys, hubby, and myself.
Sitting at kitchen counter; boys and I eating, hubby standing on other side. Parents out back sneaking a cigarette. Hubby wearing Arizona State University shirt with picture of Sun Devil, the mascott.
6yo: Uncle, what it that on your shirt
H: It's a Sun Devil
6yo: What's a Sun Devil?
H: It's the mascot of the school your dad and I went to
6yo: What is a mascot
Me: It's like the symbol for a school. Each one has their own and they represent that school in a funny kind of way. Someone dresses up like that symbol for football games and things and does tricks to make people happy.
8yo: Yeah. We have those in Bhuton...........
6yo -still looking perplexed: But what is a Sun Devil
H: Well, you know the anti-christ, right?
Me: Anybody want some more corn on the cob?!?
After H gets the hint and exits kitchen~
6yo: Auntie Stephanie, Uncle is kinda, um, funny.
Me: Yep. You could say that........
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
The teacups sucked, so I'm not going on any more rides
I've been thinking about what to 'say' next. I have decided the best way to sum up my tornado spinning mind is by categorizing the turbulence.
I am sad knowing I will not look into my own eyes. I will not see myself, or my husband, in a smaller version. I am sad I will not experience the miracle of pregnancy. I am sad I feel that I have disappointed everyone, that my husband will not have his own child, our parents will not have a 'true' grandchild, no niece, no nephew, no biological traces. I am sad I am perpetuating this cycle, as I am also adopted. I am sad because I have to hide my sadness most of the time from everyone, including my husband, because he does not know how to console me.
And I am sad that I have been sad for so long, and know I will continue to be sad for even longer.
I am angry IVF did not work. That I endured all those things associated with it for nothing. I am angry it appears I have rotten eggs. I am angry I will continue to have a period for no reason, and that my periods are terrible. I am angry that my work requires me to deal with undeserving mothers. I am angry my 20 year old client is pregnant with her fourth child when she truly does not deserve even one. I am angry I allowed myself to get my hopes up. I am angry I cannot allow myself to dwell because it could mean a full fledged depression, a place I have been and refuse to visit again. I am angry I have always been the friend, daughter, wife, and social worker helping others and making them happy any way that I could, believing karma would be on my side. I am angry at whatever higher power exists. I am angry I said if I didn't get pregnant I would focus on losing weight. I am angry I have a problem so big I have to find an alternate evil to focus on. I am angry I cannot talk about it outloud, even with my parents and my best friends. I am angry I am crying right now.
I am angry I am unable to have the one thing I have always wanted.
I do not regret trying again after the first IVF failed. I knew failure was possible, but knew I had to try. I do not regret spending the money. I do not regret changing doctors. I do not regret POAS. I do not regret sharing this journey with everyone, including co-workers. I do not regret sending e-mails telling people to leave me/us alone right now.
I am looking forward to being able to move and decorate my new house without having to cater to a pregnancy. I am looking forward to moving on, moving past this perpetual wait IVF puts us in. I am looking forward to not going to the dr, no more shots, ultrasounds, medications, appointments, crappy blood draws, and waiting waiting waiting for phone calls. I am looking forward to taking foster care classes and watching my husband learn about children and parenting. I am looking foward to being able to fly and seeing my sister-in-law in November and giving her a big hug for being so supportive and understanding. I am looking forward to the vacation full of scuba diving we decided to take if this process did not work. I am looking forward to decorating a nursery, having a shower, and having a child in my home. I look forward to quitting my job to be a stay at home parent.
I am grasping at the future, trying desperately to look ahead and not dwell on this too long. I am successful for moments at a time. It is not in my nature to regret things or focus on what cannot be changed. I am controlling. I will now control my new home, foster care, adoption, and having a family one way or another. I am lucky enough to have an 'in' in this area and will have many many CPS workers keeping me in mind for an adoptive placement. I KNOW this area. I am confortable in this role. I feel better knowing I will regain some control.
I thank everyone for their support. I sometimes find myself in awe with this cyber world we meet in. How freeing it is to write anything you want knowing it will be met with understanding and support. How so many people can bond, sympathize, empathize, and bring comfort to one another. It is so difficult, this ride, made even harder trying to convey your feelings to friends who cannot share in your experience, or comprehend the heartache of it all. They do not understand the struggle. The frustration. The anguish. The disappointment. They want to and they try, but it is impossible. And how amazing is it to find a new set of friends for this purpose alone. That I am able to have this outlet is a blessing in and of itself, so I thank each of you for checking in on me, and for continuing your own journeys and posts to give me some hope, a laugh, a cry, and something to do when I can't think about myself anymore~
And most of all, I am amazed at how wonderful my husband is and how much I love him. Even though he still drives me crazy and has the ability to annoy the shit out of me, we are now closer then ever.
I am sad knowing I will not look into my own eyes. I will not see myself, or my husband, in a smaller version. I am sad I will not experience the miracle of pregnancy. I am sad I feel that I have disappointed everyone, that my husband will not have his own child, our parents will not have a 'true' grandchild, no niece, no nephew, no biological traces. I am sad I am perpetuating this cycle, as I am also adopted. I am sad because I have to hide my sadness most of the time from everyone, including my husband, because he does not know how to console me.
And I am sad that I have been sad for so long, and know I will continue to be sad for even longer.
I am angry IVF did not work. That I endured all those things associated with it for nothing. I am angry it appears I have rotten eggs. I am angry I will continue to have a period for no reason, and that my periods are terrible. I am angry that my work requires me to deal with undeserving mothers. I am angry my 20 year old client is pregnant with her fourth child when she truly does not deserve even one. I am angry I allowed myself to get my hopes up. I am angry I cannot allow myself to dwell because it could mean a full fledged depression, a place I have been and refuse to visit again. I am angry I have always been the friend, daughter, wife, and social worker helping others and making them happy any way that I could, believing karma would be on my side. I am angry at whatever higher power exists. I am angry I said if I didn't get pregnant I would focus on losing weight. I am angry I have a problem so big I have to find an alternate evil to focus on. I am angry I cannot talk about it outloud, even with my parents and my best friends. I am angry I am crying right now.
I am angry I am unable to have the one thing I have always wanted.
I do not regret trying again after the first IVF failed. I knew failure was possible, but knew I had to try. I do not regret spending the money. I do not regret changing doctors. I do not regret POAS. I do not regret sharing this journey with everyone, including co-workers. I do not regret sending e-mails telling people to leave me/us alone right now.
I am looking forward to being able to move and decorate my new house without having to cater to a pregnancy. I am looking forward to moving on, moving past this perpetual wait IVF puts us in. I am looking forward to not going to the dr, no more shots, ultrasounds, medications, appointments, crappy blood draws, and waiting waiting waiting for phone calls. I am looking forward to taking foster care classes and watching my husband learn about children and parenting. I am looking foward to being able to fly and seeing my sister-in-law in November and giving her a big hug for being so supportive and understanding. I am looking forward to the vacation full of scuba diving we decided to take if this process did not work. I am looking forward to decorating a nursery, having a shower, and having a child in my home. I look forward to quitting my job to be a stay at home parent.
I am grasping at the future, trying desperately to look ahead and not dwell on this too long. I am successful for moments at a time. It is not in my nature to regret things or focus on what cannot be changed. I am controlling. I will now control my new home, foster care, adoption, and having a family one way or another. I am lucky enough to have an 'in' in this area and will have many many CPS workers keeping me in mind for an adoptive placement. I KNOW this area. I am confortable in this role. I feel better knowing I will regain some control.
I thank everyone for their support. I sometimes find myself in awe with this cyber world we meet in. How freeing it is to write anything you want knowing it will be met with understanding and support. How so many people can bond, sympathize, empathize, and bring comfort to one another. It is so difficult, this ride, made even harder trying to convey your feelings to friends who cannot share in your experience, or comprehend the heartache of it all. They do not understand the struggle. The frustration. The anguish. The disappointment. They want to and they try, but it is impossible. And how amazing is it to find a new set of friends for this purpose alone. That I am able to have this outlet is a blessing in and of itself, so I thank each of you for checking in on me, and for continuing your own journeys and posts to give me some hope, a laugh, a cry, and something to do when I can't think about myself anymore~
And most of all, I am amazed at how wonderful my husband is and how much I love him. Even though he still drives me crazy and has the ability to annoy the shit out of me, we are now closer then ever.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Cross EVERYTHING
For those of you checking every hour, on the hour (you know who you are) I will get results between 3 and 5 this afternoon. Hubby and I agreed to be home during this time just in case it's bad news. Soooooooo......... for those we know, if it's good news we'll be calling tonight. If not, I'm not sure. We'll see how we're doing and go from there. We may update the blog and make the personal calls later to pass along the disappointing news.
Keep your fingers and toes crossed. I know I did while they were doing the blood draw, which BTW took 2 tries. Some things never change.
Keep your fingers and toes crossed. I know I did while they were doing the blood draw, which BTW took 2 tries. Some things never change.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
TAG - I'm it
I've been 'tagged' by my MIL. Ordinarily, this would take some time. But as time seems to be ticking at a ridiculously slow pace, and I hear every tock of the clock, I'll tackle the challenge now!
I am. . .. in an eternal wait. Waiting for test results, waiting to see what my family future holds. Either a newborn of my own, or foster/adopt classes, a diving vacation, and adoption.
I want. ...my job to someday become obsolete. No more hurt children and stupid parents continuing to procreate without abandon.
I wish. . ... that my phone would stop ringing. Right now, at this very moment, an old friend is calling. again. Hadn't spoken to him in years, then he calls out of the blue and all he wants to talk about is his upcoming divorce. Oh, and that he misses me, his bestest friend. oy.
I hate. .... stupid people. seriously. Ignorance, not just uneducated. I work with a lot of these and now have very little tolerance.
I miss. .... partying with my friends. The girls used to go out dancing and get drunk and silly and smoke a bunch of cigarettes and be miserable together in the AM after coming home wasted and stopping by the Taco Bell. Now my two best friends have babies, my cousin lives in another state, SIL lives in another state, and only other person I could go with is not a good drunk.
I hear. .... my dog whining. I think it's adorable most times. It's like he's trying to talk to me. Usually accompanied by the CUTEST lovey face he can muster.
I wonder. . ... if I've made the right choices. All of them. I have issues in this area. I also wonder how the opposite choice would have impacted my life and where I am now.
I regret. . ... that I am often lazy. Many an opportunity may not have passed by if I'd just gotten off my ass. I also feel I should be more proactive to do the things I want to do. Like skydiving.
I am not. .... as put together as I like to think. My past has left me with a lot of scars, most I have become quite professional at camouflaging. Some of these cause me to judge too quickly, and have contributed to my cynical, and sometimes offending, sense of humor.
I dance. ... whenever there's music. Unless it's country. That's a no can do! I love to dance.
I sing. . .. all the time! Mostly in my car. I have done musical theatre and love the stage, but put me in front of only a couple people and I really get nervous. I freeze when I know people are looking at me. On stage, you can't really see anything.....
I cry. . .. Whenever I see someone else crying. It's like yawning for me. Once I see someone else do it I just start tearing up. I also cry when I can't make things better for the kids I work with.
I am not always. ... comfortable in my own skin. Many times I feel like the fat girl, especially on vacations. I love being in the water and scuba diving, so I don't let this insecurity get the best of me, but it is very hard mentally.
I make. .... cakes. Took cake decorating classes and learned how to make all kinds of pretty flowers. Not so excited on the baking part, but I can whip out a serious rose like nobody's business!
I write. ... whatever comes to mind. most of the time. It's therapeutic.......
I confuse. . .. my husband. I can be very emotional and flip like a switch on the poor man. Especially now while we go through this IVF. I change my mind by the minute on how I'm feeling and what I want to do next.
I need. . .. something to happen. I have been in a rut for awhile. Especially with IVF. I just need something to change. Hoping for good news when I take my test, but even if it's not I am looking forward to at least knowing and moving forward.
I should. . .. be less controlling. Or always feeling like I should have control of situations when I don't and then getting so upset when things don't go the way I want them to.
I start. . .. mentally decorating everything. other people's home, my new home.... everything.
I finish. . ... watching bad movies. I figure I've already invested a certain amount of time finding out it stinks, so I may as well keep watching and see if there is any redeeming qualities.
So there's my list. Nothing extraordinary, but it took me an entire 30 minutes to complete and I didn't hear a tock once. OK, once when hubby reminded me Amazing Race is starting. So I put it on and multi tasked the list!!!
I now pass the list torch on to Subi and NikkiNix and wzgirl and hopeful mother. Looking forward to seeing what you all have to say!!
I am. . .. in an eternal wait. Waiting for test results, waiting to see what my family future holds. Either a newborn of my own, or foster/adopt classes, a diving vacation, and adoption.
I want. ...my job to someday become obsolete. No more hurt children and stupid parents continuing to procreate without abandon.
I wish. . ... that my phone would stop ringing. Right now, at this very moment, an old friend is calling. again. Hadn't spoken to him in years, then he calls out of the blue and all he wants to talk about is his upcoming divorce. Oh, and that he misses me, his bestest friend. oy.
I hate. .... stupid people. seriously. Ignorance, not just uneducated. I work with a lot of these and now have very little tolerance.
I miss. .... partying with my friends. The girls used to go out dancing and get drunk and silly and smoke a bunch of cigarettes and be miserable together in the AM after coming home wasted and stopping by the Taco Bell. Now my two best friends have babies, my cousin lives in another state, SIL lives in another state, and only other person I could go with is not a good drunk.
I hear. .... my dog whining. I think it's adorable most times. It's like he's trying to talk to me. Usually accompanied by the CUTEST lovey face he can muster.
I wonder. . ... if I've made the right choices. All of them. I have issues in this area. I also wonder how the opposite choice would have impacted my life and where I am now.
I regret. . ... that I am often lazy. Many an opportunity may not have passed by if I'd just gotten off my ass. I also feel I should be more proactive to do the things I want to do. Like skydiving.
I am not. .... as put together as I like to think. My past has left me with a lot of scars, most I have become quite professional at camouflaging. Some of these cause me to judge too quickly, and have contributed to my cynical, and sometimes offending, sense of humor.
I dance. ... whenever there's music. Unless it's country. That's a no can do! I love to dance.
I sing. . .. all the time! Mostly in my car. I have done musical theatre and love the stage, but put me in front of only a couple people and I really get nervous. I freeze when I know people are looking at me. On stage, you can't really see anything.....
I cry. . .. Whenever I see someone else crying. It's like yawning for me. Once I see someone else do it I just start tearing up. I also cry when I can't make things better for the kids I work with.
I am not always. ... comfortable in my own skin. Many times I feel like the fat girl, especially on vacations. I love being in the water and scuba diving, so I don't let this insecurity get the best of me, but it is very hard mentally.
I make. .... cakes. Took cake decorating classes and learned how to make all kinds of pretty flowers. Not so excited on the baking part, but I can whip out a serious rose like nobody's business!
I write. ... whatever comes to mind. most of the time. It's therapeutic.......
I confuse. . .. my husband. I can be very emotional and flip like a switch on the poor man. Especially now while we go through this IVF. I change my mind by the minute on how I'm feeling and what I want to do next.
I need. . .. something to happen. I have been in a rut for awhile. Especially with IVF. I just need something to change. Hoping for good news when I take my test, but even if it's not I am looking forward to at least knowing and moving forward.
I should. . .. be less controlling. Or always feeling like I should have control of situations when I don't and then getting so upset when things don't go the way I want them to.
I start. . .. mentally decorating everything. other people's home, my new home.... everything.
I finish. . ... watching bad movies. I figure I've already invested a certain amount of time finding out it stinks, so I may as well keep watching and see if there is any redeeming qualities.
So there's my list. Nothing extraordinary, but it took me an entire 30 minutes to complete and I didn't hear a tock once. OK, once when hubby reminded me Amazing Race is starting. So I put it on and multi tasked the list!!!
I now pass the list torch on to Subi and NikkiNix and wzgirl and hopeful mother. Looking forward to seeing what you all have to say!!
Why don't I ever listen?
pregnancy test = $10.99
waiting til AM to take it = difficult
POAS without missing = pretty easy
look on my DH face when I told him it was negative = horrid
sinking feeling in my own stomach = $15,000
I fully realize these tests are not accurate this early in the game, but I was compelled to try it anyway. JUST ONCE I thought it would be fun to POAS when it could possibly be positive. When there was an actual chance and not just wishfull thinking after being 2 days late for AF.
Oh well.
Now I just have to wait until tomorrow for the blood test like everybody else.
Damn.
I admitted to dh this morning that this IVF has felt different from the last. I have been holding back because I didn't want to get either of our hopes up, but the truth is, a great deal of the time I think it worked. I had the 'pangs' associated with embie implantation. My boobs hurt, I'm tired, I'm gassy (which for me is huge since I'm one of those wierdos who rarely farts; but I can burp better then many men), I craved cheese (I don't eat dairy), I get hungry then grossed out by food, and I just feel, well, different.
And I don't think it's psychological because last time was the opposite. I just KNEW it hadn't worked and told dh that a few days before the test. The biggest devastation was not the negative test, but the news none of the other embies survived and it was a one shot deal.
This is why I am stressed out this time. Because part of me thinks it really may have happened, and the other part thinks I'm setting myself up for major disappointment by entertaining the idea of success.
This is SO why they do not want us POAS!
Again, oh well.
We'll see what we see tomorrow.
And thanks for the support after my last post. I really appreciated it. REALLY.
waiting til AM to take it = difficult
POAS without missing = pretty easy
look on my DH face when I told him it was negative = horrid
sinking feeling in my own stomach = $15,000
I fully realize these tests are not accurate this early in the game, but I was compelled to try it anyway. JUST ONCE I thought it would be fun to POAS when it could possibly be positive. When there was an actual chance and not just wishfull thinking after being 2 days late for AF.
Oh well.
Now I just have to wait until tomorrow for the blood test like everybody else.
Damn.
I admitted to dh this morning that this IVF has felt different from the last. I have been holding back because I didn't want to get either of our hopes up, but the truth is, a great deal of the time I think it worked. I had the 'pangs' associated with embie implantation. My boobs hurt, I'm tired, I'm gassy (which for me is huge since I'm one of those wierdos who rarely farts; but I can burp better then many men), I craved cheese (I don't eat dairy), I get hungry then grossed out by food, and I just feel, well, different.
And I don't think it's psychological because last time was the opposite. I just KNEW it hadn't worked and told dh that a few days before the test. The biggest devastation was not the negative test, but the news none of the other embies survived and it was a one shot deal.
This is why I am stressed out this time. Because part of me thinks it really may have happened, and the other part thinks I'm setting myself up for major disappointment by entertaining the idea of success.
This is SO why they do not want us POAS!
Again, oh well.
We'll see what we see tomorrow.
And thanks for the support after my last post. I really appreciated it. REALLY.
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