My Reserves Are All Used Up

For the last 6 days, we've been on vacation.  I took the kids to San Diego Friday after school, and returned yesterday.  It was our annual trek to visit Uncle Matt, Aunt Amy, and Garrett.  We go with another family who happen to have relatively quiet, well mannered, EASY kids who get along.  We always go to Legoland, but this time hit the SD zoo and Sea World while we were at it.  I mean, who wouldn't when kids are free, right?  OK.  We're a bit crazy, but that's not my point here.

To my amazement, there were no meltdowns.  The whining was not at its usual level, easy bed times, minimal complaining.  Say what?  It was, well, wonderful.  It made it a whole lot easier to get those 5 a day hugs in when I actually enjoyed the time we were having together!  And last year my son was a wreck from lack of sleep and was a big cranky pants.  This year, the boy didn't even complain his back was hurting during the drive.

This is a WOW moment.

Now we're home, and today we are doing pretty much nothing.  Laundry, playing outside in this beautiful cool weather, cleaning up.  Ya know, the fun stuff.

Aaaaaaaand the good behavior is over.

It gives me pause and I realize maybe they are just running on empty.  They were running on all four cylinders for four days straight at theme parks, then two travel days; so how could I possibly expect them to still have any get-along-gas in their tanks?

And why do we expect our children to get along in the first place?  When I make a list of all the people I like after even a few days of being stuck together it looks pretty bleak.  But we expect these little people to just accept one another and be pals and play together and share and LIKE IT ALL THE TIME?  Yikes.  Not even on my best day could I rise to that occasion....... and yet with all the constant bickering and tattling and whacking each other I want to yell:

WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG!!!

I believe we all have some challenge-able expectations of our kids, and I KNOW we have some of ourselves.  It's unrealistic to expect that my kids will have these great big personalities but only let them free when it's "appropriate".  Or that they have a parent who speaks her mind but then balks when they do.  Or that Mommy Cranky Pants is hiding out in the office right this very minute hoping empty-tanked kids aren't doing anything massively destructive.

So I'm taking a breathe, reminding myself in the midst of the resumed chaos that a little miracle happened this trip.  My kids got along.  We had fun.  We were family.

You Positive About That?

I have started to realize I am not the fun person I used to be.  And that just further pisses me off.
I can't remember ever being a glass half full kinda girl.  No overt optimism, but not really pessimism, either.  Just mism.  It is what it is.

These days I realize I am becoming more and more of a pessimist.  I actually catch myself wondering what annoying/rule breaking/argumentative/what the hell were you thinking thing my daughter will do next.  Seriously?  I'm mentally plotting my irritation? 
 I am planning out my mism?

I realize how sad that must be for her.  Then I get all in my own head with the internal debate of Popeye voice "I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam" vs " Don't be your mother, don't be your mother, don't be your Mother".

On the one hand, I will never be the queen of nurture.  I have found some peace realizing I am better at structure and boundaries both with myself and others.  I then realize I may be using that as a crutch - a way to justify my constant redirecting of my daughter.       *And yes, I also realize this is all linked to her while my son is getting my hugs and kisses (although I find a little justification in the fact he actually returns them and has never tried to assault me..... but that's a whole other cup o' worms).  

When it comes to my mother, I CLEARLY remember feeling like she hated me and I could never do anything right.  My brother did enough rights for the entire world, so after a while you kinda just say f-it and start emotionally preserving yourself.  And my current fear overwhelms me when I realize I am perpetuating this in my own daughter.  The amount of times I have to tell her to knock something off SEVERELY outweighs the amount of times I provide anything positive........ other then I'm positive you shouldn't be doing/saying/acting like that.

So how do I change the mism.  How do I take years and years of practice accepting half-fullness, justifying self preservation, and let's face it, the need to be right all the time, and morph it into something healthier?  Not just for her sake, but to stop these facial wrinkles from continuing until I look pissed off all the time no matter what cream I slather on.  How do I get back to being fun me while maintaining Mom me and squashing my mom me.

Christine Moers keep a log of hugs.  A log.  She's got a few more kids then I do so I thought I don't need no steenking log!  But I can't actually keep track of the number of times I hug my daughter and the log will keep me accountable.  So that's starting.  I am setting a goal of 5 a day.  Good hugs.  I mean it hugs.  I will not be my mother hugs.  I am going to hug the shit outta you even though you may not enjoy it hugs...... at least 5 times a day.

I am starting a fun jar of dumb and silly things to do - dance party, hokey pokey, jump in the pool with your clothes on, play a game, etc.  Ideas on other stuff would be greatly appreciated.

I am also posting a link to this blog on my FB page.  Now, you may be wondering how in the world this has anything to do with ANYTHING.  I guess it's just my way of putting myself back out there.  Just me.  Maybe the vulnerability will do me some good, maybe someone else some good.  When I think back I realize that writing was always an outlet for me.  It allowed me a place to be myself and express my honest thoughts, no matter what.  I wasn't trying to impress anyone or speak to anyone, I just needed the moment to verbalize the garbage in my head so I could sort it out.  If you're reading this, now it's your garbage, too!  HAHA. Sukkkkuuuuuuuuu.

October is now positive month for me.  I am not changing my mism, but tweaking it a little at a time to better myself.  So if you know me, feel free to flick me in the arm when you hear me harping on my kids.  I may punch you in the face, but hey, I'll start a hug log for you and make it up.

Starting Again........ Again.

This has got to be the most sporadic blog ever.  How long can one go between blog thoughts?  Apparently a long time.  Not that the thoughts weren't there, those darn things never leave, but the time and drive to write are definitely hit and miss.  Obviously.

Right now I am in a Masters in Counseling program.  For the first year, I feel like I learned nothing.  It was a review of ethics, child development, and sexuality.  My class consists of 8 people, most of us have been together since Day 1.  We know each other too well and our stories and viewpoints are getting old even to us.  We just began a new class, Marriage and Family Counseling.  FINALLY.  The good stuff.

Most days I battle my own thoughts of failure.  Turns out my daughter is still a struggle for me, and now my son has issues with emotional regulation.  They are both too loud, to quick to anger, and constantly arguing or ignoring me.  I wonder why I think I am going to be a therapist when my own house is in disarray - then I remember, those who can't do, teach!  My my how I hate that saying, but in this case I will use it to my advantage because it is partially true.  An excuse to be sure, but a verifiable one I will mold to my needs.

Originally this blog was about my journey through infertility and I connected with some pretty amazing people.  It was a source of support, inspiration, friendship, and peace I so desperately needed during that time in my life.  I cherished every comment and spent hours reading what everyone was doing and hoping I could provide some level of feedback and support to those far away friends.

I have adopted two children and have the family I thought I wanted.  Not that I don't want it, it's just not the one I had ever imagined having.  I can't say I have overcome infertility - there are still many moments I allow myself a pity party for my broken parts, wallowing in the what ifs, sending silent wishes for a miracle.  Still.

My days now are spent looking for solutions for our daily chaos.  I have some new friends who have therapeutic children and provide inspiration the way my infertility bloggers did years ago.  Maybe that's why I thought about this page and decided to visit it again.  I considered starting a new blog, with a new name and new ideas, but I find it too difficult to just cut off my past.  I had some amazing thoughts over the years!  Ha!

My goal is to write once a week.  Not for you, if there is a you, but for ME.  I want to find ways to step out of my snarky comfort zone complaining about all the things that haven't gone according to plan and instead find gratitude for what has landed in my lap.  My kids are beautiful.  I mean, model quality watch out, I'm screwed attractive kids.  I could have ugly AND problematic kids, so thanks powers that be for this gift.  How's that for a start?

Well well well. Here I am again after, um, how long? Long enough to think anyone who may have had any interest in reading any of my thoughts has now wandered away to live their lives. A lot of their lives. *sigh*

So maybe this will now be just my venting spot. My WTF generator. My send it out into cyberspace and see what happens place.

I re-read my last post and actually laughed my ass off. Well, maybe not as I see my giant ass is still in tact (too bad) but I had a pretty hefty chuckle.

My daughter was eventually diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder. Thus my concerns about her quick transition appear to be well placed, eh? Score one for paranoid intuition!!!

It has been a long battle. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG. And after each battle is won, another surfaces, and thus the war between mother and child control wages on. and on. and on.

Therapy now completed, we are in a MUCH better place. Mostly. There are still days when I doubt my ability, wonder if I am doing the right thing even BEING a mother. Boy that infertility baggage does cling, doesn't it?

We finalized our adoption last January and had a big fat party! Why not? We went through A LOT to get our kids and needed some celebration with our friends and family.

Now we're approaching the one year anniversary and my children are expecting another big fat party. Well kids, get ready for a big fat disappointment! From now on, it's just family day. Suck it up, deal with it, we love you dammit!

Now that I've ranted a wee bit, I'm feeling a bit silly. Knowing I am the only one likely to read this little ditty makes me feel like I can say anything, but also wonder what's the f-ing point? Just another one of my great cannundrums.

she's here!

I am sooooo far behind, so here's the short version.

Alize moved in on Thursday, 7-2. Hubby was off that Friday so it seemed like a good plan to have three days with him home for the long nights we were preparing ourselves for. We'd been having her over twice a week (all day) but had not done an overnight. At the time, she was subscribing to some 'bad' habits (personal opinion here) of falling asleep whenever she wanted, while watching TV, in a bed with her brother or foster mom. At our house, bed time is 7:30, no TV, and you're in your room. Alone.

I bought her a fish to provide a night light and some sleepy time entertainment. Maybe not as interesting as a cartoon, but it's all I've got.

She seemed to get it a little bit, but we weren't sure (and still aren't) if she realized she was moving in forever and ever and ever.

We held our breath the first night, waiting for the whining and screaming and I Want To Go Home-ing to start, and then turned blue because nothing happened.

Huh???

Nothing. Not then, not since. No issues sleeping, hasn't mentioned her previous foster mom, brother ~ nothing.

New scary-ness coming over us. Too easy. Too simple. Too abnormal not to have some level of separation anxiety from the brother you've always lived with and the foster mom you've been with for more then a year.

Needless to say, I've arranged to meet with a bonding specialist to try and get a handle on all of this.

The one that seems to have the most difficulty is, in fact, ME.

I am overwhelmed by the constant questions, the why why why why and repetitive 'where's daddy? what's that? what cho doin? You no sooner answer then she asks again. and again. and again.

I don't know if this is entirely normal, but I can tell you it's annoying as hell. I am missing my quiet time with Alex, being able to engage when I want to and allow him to quietly play other times. I seem to have no down time except for the 1 1/2 hour nap they take, and that flies by.

I am mentally exhausted. And it's only week 1.

Add to this fun my husband is leaving town TOMORROW for five day, then home for the weekend, then gone for another 4 days.

I know I'll manage, but it's a daunting thought, knowing I'm flying solo so soon for so long.

Feel free to send me your leftover prescription medications.

And here's what we're doing it for........................................

I am going to try and keep this up better, if only to post pictures and not much else (who has time???).

I hope everyone is well!

And I wasn't necessarily joking about the meds.

oh. my. god.

I had to make sure we contacted all the relatives first before writing this post.

Mom wants to relinquish!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For those of you out of the terminology loop (haha), this means she wants to sign her rights away. At the meeting, she stated she has done a lot of things regarding her case plan, but realizes she cannot provide the life her children deserve. She asked if we would adopt Christopher and his sister.

Insert jaw drop and almost falling out of chair followed by failed attempt to hold back tears

**HERE**

I couldn't believe it. My stomach did such a flip I almost threw-up.
PGM was there and I asked about her position on wanting to get the kids - you know, because no one else was addressing this MAJOR issue. She stated she didn't know, but it didn't seem fair to take the baby boy away from the only mother he's ever known.

But she didn't say no.

So Friday I meet with the moody CM who informs me even if paternal grandparents report interest, she and the AAG (atty for the state) will argue best interest for the children. some stuff came up during my side conversation with PGM (forgot to mention I brought her to my house after the meeting so she could meet the boy. I wanted her to see I was willing to let her be a grandparent, see what a nice place he'd live, etc etc) that led me to believe they wouldn't pass a home study, anyway.

CM asked when I thought I would start visiting with his sister, Alize. Told her I was waiting for the green light and she said "Green".

So it's happening. Really happening. I am soooooo freaked out!!!!!
Today we're tossing around ideas for a new name for baby boy. Alize with remain Alize, Ally for short. Her current foster home is pretty lenient with her and I already know my work will be cut out for me. She's three and needs to be potty trained, has some speech delay, and is a bit of a wild child. I'll start visiting with her during the week while my parents come over and watch the boy, then have her here, then a few overnights, weekends, and then voila'! A family of four.

Did I mention we may also take the 11 year old brother???? (0:

I wanted to post more pictures of my little busy bee, but hubby put everything onto hard copy and locked them away in the safe. Better safe then sorry -hehehe.

Anyhoo, the latest battle is mostly within myself, although COMPLETELY spear headed by our lovely case manager.
Short version is this:
Haven't see her in a few months, which is no big deal as I need nothing from her.
Called the FM that has the two other siblings and she mentions she spoke with the PGM. say what?? You mean the PGM I've been asking about for months now?? Great. AND?? FM is a little old and loopy, thus not a great source of information. Said she asked about the kids and said she wanted a visit but that was really all. FM redirected her back to the CM.
Did I mention CM gave the CM the PGM's number and had HER call??

Feeling a bit put-out and out of the loop, but ok. at least I know there's communication happening.

CM sends e-mail wed night asking if I am available Thurs for a visit after noon. Respond to e-mail stating we have pediatric appt at 11, followed by errand running and a nap, so how about 4? Ask CM to call with details.

CM calls at 1, rudely tells me she doesn't care if the baby is up or not, she has another appt about 25 min away at 4:15, so she'll swing by here on her way to the appt and "I'll say what I have to say and you say what you have to say and then I'll go". um, ok. agreed to swing by at 3:15.

After 3 shots, nap time and baby are not agreeable. Don't hear phone ring, here beep for missed call. CM had called about 3 minutes before, leaves message stating she's not coming because I'm not answering my phone, and I now need to call her supervisor to have someone else from her office come over here.

Now I'm feeling avoided. And paranoid. And mad.

Send e-mail stating I was sorry to have missed her call, but didn't realize her attending the visit was dependent upon my answering my phone. Asked when the next staffing was (she had mentioned there would be one and would tell me details when she came over). Informed her I was available for a visit any day except the 6th, and any time between 10 and 2 to avoid times in which I put baby down for a nap.

Reply e-mail was to meet at 9 on a friday, and that the staffing was scheduled for the 6th.

Now I am in WTF mode.

I cancel all plans for the 6th, get my parents to come over to watch baby b/c now I'll be damned if my ass is not going to be there for that meeting.

The meeting is a TDM - Team Decicion Making. This meeting has two sole purposes. Either to change the case plan to severance, which means they'll be going to court to try and terminate parental rights, or to discuss a change in placement - which could mean those grandparents want more then a visit.

I am paranoid, I admit, that all this avoidance may be to get around an uncomfortable discussion regarding relative placement.
Or it could be the better option.
Let's hope for that.

Am I not drinking from the same fountain??
There are many women from my mom's group pregnant. Again. And each one of them has made a comment about it being unplanned, too soon, stressful, and UNPLANNED.

Most days I don't think much about infertility. What was once at the forefront of life has now become a visiting echo, usually once a month (need I say more). And yet there are times I feel like I'm back at square one, with thoughts of barrenness and blackness and depression.

Today is one of those days.

Of course it didn't start out that way. It began with the now usual 5 AM wake-up call from a baby boy who believes that just because his eyes have popped open for a moment he should rise for the day. And god forbid the mommy doesn't get her ass in there ASAP. Then the mouth opens as wide as the eyes and it's not pretty.
So we rise, don't really shine, and spend the rest of the AM yawning, zoning out, basically all the crap you do when you get up too early.
Yeay.

Today we hosted a play date with the mom's group. 2 and under to keep a level playing field with the grunting children wanting everything the other has; gotta keep a fair fight.
I knew about a couple of the moms and had already had my fuck off mental moments, and one of them was at the play date. Then another pops up and mentions her morning sickness.
fuck off.
And another says 'oh, we just found out it's another boy. we were really hoping for a girl this time'.
um, fuck off.
And the kicker: 'we just found out yesterday. I don't know how far along I am but I'm pissed I'm going to have to miss a girl's trip to wine country that was scheduled for next month.'
Did I mention almost saying fuck off out loud at this point????
What are the chances that three of the six moms are knocked-up? Seriously? Those are Vegas worthy odds people!

It's not really that I wish ill on these people, or that they should have to edit conversation for my benefit. I fully realize my empty womb is not the headline news or their responsibility. Shit, it's not even my own responsibility.
But that doesn't mean it didn't make for a crappy afternoon.

You would think that parenting would somewhat fill this empty void I have, and sometimes it does, but having him as a foster child still leaves the door open. It's not permanent. I feel my heart keeping him at a bit of a distance, a self preservation act. Sometimes I think it would be easier if he left so we could switch to a private adoption and have something final.

And really, days like this I'm just wishing I could find that fountain all those bitches are drinking from so I can stop having to think about any of it at all.

pictures, pictures, and oh yeah, pictures

Not a lot of time for the full post I have running around in my head, but thought I'd throw up some cute pics of the boy (aren't the ALL cute????)

These are from the Children's Museum. There was this baby/toddler room and these balls were hanging from the ceiling like a wall. SP thought it was the funniest thing EVER and wouldn't stop going back and forth. I took about 20 pics of him just laughing and enjoying such a simple thing.

Mr. Sickly. And I mean sickly. Nose running, eyes watering, drooling, zoned out sickly. Soooo pathetic! Pic doesn't do the couple days of ailment justice.

Mama's little duck! SP LOVES to splash around and get wet. He sticks his face in the water and just goes to town making a mess! Sometimes I have to sit with a towel covering me up so I don't get soaked, too. Can't wait until the pool warms up. He'll likely be swimming on his own by the end of the summer (this hoping we have him at the end of the summer).

The dog bed is one of his favorite hang-outs.

He often sits and ponders the ways of the world.

Grammy and Grandpa got him this for his birthday. Took him awhile to get on, but he has been pushing it all over the place. Still hasn't figured out how to use his legs to make it go, but sits there and makes funny noises and faces like this one. I think funny face pics are almost better then the perfect angel smiles.

SP has found a new love of the outdoors. We play with bubbles for about 1 minute - the total amount of his attention span for this activity. Then it's off to 'help' me in the garden. He uses the dog ball thrower as a whacking stick and beats anything and everything. My lettuce never saw it coming.

After Mommy re-directs the veggie tyrant we steal the dog's ball. On this occasion the daddy was rinsing out a garbage can. Looked like a fun place for the ball to rest, but now neither boy can get it out!!

Remember my comment about the funny faced pics? Here's a couple...... The crying is what happens when you place a hungry child who eats as much as an adult in front of a food he liked a few days ago but not anymore. It would appear my psychic connection was unplugged this day and I didn't get that silent message pb&j was no longer acceptable. Bad mommy.

I'm back!!

I can't believe how long it has been since I was on here last! Blogger break? Writer's block?

Sweet Pea is growing up so fast. He started walking at 10 months. Took 2 steps, then 10 then just up and walked from one room to the next. I tried to catch some pics but it was hard with him taking to it so quickly and moving so damn fast!!

These are a few of the only pics I was able to get of his front.... he was usually walking away from me!

Now he's running around with his little chicken arms up! His favorite thing is climbing the stairs, but he doesn't know how to get down so there's a gate in his way most of the time. Mean mommy!

We just had his first birthday party last weekend. It was several weeks past the actual date but I needed more time since the holidays...

Did I mention we had a Christmas party 2 weeks before the holiday, then all our family here for Christmas (many staying), and his actual party would've been right after that?? I barely got all the decorations down giving myself an extra week!

The party was fun but alas, we discovered the babe has a cake phobia. When presented with the cake to demolish to his little heart's content, he proceeded to scream and break into a crying fit whilst trying to get away (which he couldn't since he was in the high chair). It was so so sad... and strange! I thought he might have been tired and freaked out by all the people (about 25), so we tried again the following night ~ same strange results. Not one to give up easily, I tried yet again the next day, this time with a piece of the cake and sitting on the floor. Not the same level of fear displayed, but he walked around me not trusting that little piece of evil cake. I offered him a bite, which he took, then proceeded to toss on the floor and then ran away.

The party had a car theme and here's the bigger cake I made for everyone else. It is actually 4 (yes FOUR) cakes put together. A bit excessive, but oh well.

Not much else going on except the very bad news the boy's PGM has requested a home study, reporting she wants baby boy and his sister. Hubs and I have found we are at the end of our heartstrings and will not be able to continue fostering if baby boy leaves. We may look into private adoption, we may call it a sign and give up on children completely (this is actually me and not him). We'll see how it works out. I am trying desperately not to think about it too much or I'll drive myself mad. But if you want to think about it and wish/pray/whatever your juju thing is that PGM is not suitable I wouldn't ask you not to~

costume madness and basketball fun

To dress the baby up, or not to dress the baby up. That was the question.

Of course a baby in a costume is just an adorable thing, isn't it? Their little bodies unable to escape whatever element of fabric torture you have deemed appropriate. It can be fun in a very evil sort of way.

But then comes the dollars and sense of it, do you really need to bother with a costume for a baby too young to go out, so that all you get out of it are pictures??

I am evil.

However, baby boy pulled his own shenanigans when I pulled out the on sale pumpkin get-up I selected for this year's torture. I already had a duck costume, but Baby Boy wore it last year and I couldn't bring myself to recycle it just yet. Thus the frantic pawing through discount costumes at the local tarjeeeeee.

First time I put it on him I almost peed myself laughing. In my rush to buy buy buy and get the hell out of the crowd of fellow last minute get-up purchasers, I failed to realize the cute little pumpkin outfit had no legs. It was one big pillow case! No so conducive for an on the move baby....

Once in the outfit, he rolled around on the couch, both looking amused and confused. Had I not been crossing my legs, I would've thought to get the damn camera. I suppose I also figured I'd get a similar reaction when putting it on for the real day.

On hallows eve, I pulled out the pumpkin and Sweet Pea made a crawling break for it. Caught him, got hubby's assistance, but the wiggle worm was having none of it.

So other than the initial laugh, it was ten bucks down the crapper.

Not even a picture.... Oh well.

We were given this basketball toy a while back and for awhile he showed no interest. I lent it to my neighbor as her boys were older and liked playing with balls, but they tired of it quickly. Back it came.

I put it in what used to be our family room (now a giant toy yard/minefield of painful things to step on) and a few days later he decided it looked like fun. As there were no balls that came with it, we had to improvise with his letter blocks.

He stands in front of it and puts the blocks into the basket. The toy itself counts and claps, and he yells and waves his arms around after every 'shot'.

He's also into walking and has taken his first few steps. He toddles around with this little push toy, but gets upset when he runs into the walls. So his laps back and forth become our laps back and forth as we must be there to direct traffic.

He pulls up on anything and everything. His favorite things at the moment are looking out the front window when the dog does (I have these pics but not downloaded of the camera yet), and pulling on the bar stools.

With the stools, he does this little dance to get them to move just a little (they are heavy) and they make this farting kind of noise on the tile. Then he giggles at his achievement.

I think he looks like Elvis when he dances around like that.

HEY! HE CAN BE ELVIS NEXT HALLOWEEN!!!!!

This assuming he's still here.

now and then

This was taken last week. SP was playing with this toy train that we've had for some time and he never showed much interest in it. My Mom and I were on the couch and suddenly heard his giggling his head off. He was amusing himself playing with the wheels, laughing hysterically for about 15 minutes (a life time for a baby to play with anything).

I love the way he was doing his own thing but still managed to ham for the camara.

He's pulling up on everything now and loves to play with the dog door. Only fallen through once, purely on accident. The dog likes to lay right on the other side and watch the baby drool all over the glass. You can see my Dad's hand coming through the dog door in this shot. He was making funny noises from the other side and SP thought that was toooooo funny.

Why MY mouth is open, I don't know. Blame Pavlov.

Out to dinner for birthdays and got the free dessert; brownie with vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce drizzled all about.

I gave the boy a taste of the ice cream (I like to let him explore new things, only to take them away I guess since he's not had sweets before or since). He was quite happy with the ice cream, so I thought I'd see what the chocolate drizzle did for him. I awakened a sleeping chocoholic. My oh my. He Fah-reaked out! It was funny at first, all that jumping up and down and squeeling, but not so much when mommy decided that was enough and he was climbing over everyone to try and get just another taste of that decadent brown goo......

Eventually had to cover it with a napkin and pass him over to my Mom to redirect~

This is SP the first week we had him (2 1/2 months old). I downloaded these shots off of my Mom's camara last week and was saddened and elated by this and similar other pictures.

He wouldn't make eye contact, no smiling or engaging of any kind. Very alert, but seemingly in his own little happy place. It broke my heart this little thing had already had to check out.

I am amazed how different he is today. Mr. Happy Pants most of the time. Of course we're currently in the whining and fake crying to get attention phase, but that aside he's not the same boy.

And it make me very happy to know I had a hand in that.

Recently I've been struggling with what I want in life. It's not just my wants, but my limits that are in question.

Some days I want to save the world one child at a time. Who cares if my heart breaks again, if I pour all I have into a little vessel that will float away....... they need someone. Why not me?

Other days I remember the ache when Baby Boy left and wonder if I could take it again. I think maybe there's a reason I'm infertile. That at some point, one must call it a day and move on.

Suffice it to say today's a save the world day. This is also attributed to watching CSI and there was a murdered woman who's 2 year old daughter was missing. She was in a casino daycare and crying. All I could think of was 'I could take her'. That poor little girl.

And there are so many of these kids with too much history and not enough love. If I can maintain some focus, maybe, just maybe, I could BE that person that helps. Even if it breaks my heart a little.

so that's who I'm talking about

Introducing...............


SWEET PEA!!





Top pic taken in July, above taken in August. He now has two top teeth about half way out and grinds his top and bottom teeth together. It's the most horrific noise EVER. Worse then nails on a chalkboard~


It's only a matter of time before he's walking. He started crawling, climbing, and standing in the same day. Quite a feat! Would have been a happier moment if he had some balance to go along with the determination!



Now he stands on his own all the time. Walks around things while hanging on and has tried to take a step or two. It will soon be time to tackle some serious child proofing as I can foresee he will be into everything.....





This weekend will be a daddy weekend as mommy is heading to beautiful Sedona with a couple of her mommy friends. Alert the emergency rooms, there will be three daddies on child duty this weekend (0:


Mommy will be drinking some wine in a hot tub, taking a leisurely hike, window shopping (AKA making fun of high priced artsy fartsy stuff that wouldn't last 20 minutes in my house even if I could afford any of it), and even a trip to a spa for a massage.


I know, I know. It's going to be sooooooo hard.
I have a feeling the ladies will find it in themselves to strap on our big girl panties and deal with it.



Let's hope the daddies are able to do the same!

going private

I have become a bad bad blogger.
I realize many things I have in my head have already been said.
I'm a poet, now you know it!

I seriously digress.

I am going to make this blog private so that I can post pictures of the baby. He's really the center of it all, so it seems to do so would be a better use of blog space.

If you'd like to be included when I swith over (in a couple of weeks) send me an e-mail so I can make sure you're able to get on and see the cuteness......... and the baby of course (haha).

Doing foster care when you want to adopt is like leasing a car.
It's not really yours, although you get to keep it all the time. You care for it, fill it with gas, store it at your own house, but any moment it could be reposessed.
Or you could just decide you don't want to purchase it and LET them have it back.

I still find myself plagued by infertility woes. I have cycles in which I feel as though I am not meant to parent, that nature showed me the path and I am trying to get around her.
Of course the other side of the argument is those women who can have children and simply shouldn't. Those fertile myrtles who abuse, well, anything and everything.
As I am not one of those, I am pretty well blinded by the initial ideal that mother nature interceded where she sees fit and maybe the bitch should get the last word.

There are many days I wonder what would happen if I accepted my barren-ness and gave up the quest for an alternate route.
Sleeping in every weekend. Going on trips whenever with little to no planning. Going to the movies. Not having toys and crap all over my house.
There are times these thoughts are quite enticing.

If I had a biological child, I don't think these thoughts would be so prevalent. They would exist, of course, because I know so so many parents who are exhausted and joke around about 'the time before children took over their lives'. However the lingering option to give up would not be there. There wouldn't be a real alternate. The car is bought, the papers are signed, you now owe for the rest of your life.

But I am in a lease. And should the reposession take place, there is nothing I can do about it. And I think about this a lot.

Would letting mother nature win cost me my marriage? Hubs says he wants children, but some of his future plans don't truly include them. Traveling all the time and being a weekend parent often feels (to me) like an out for him. Even now he parents maybe an hour a day during the week and a few more on weekends. The bulk of the responsibility and time is mine alone. Thus how much would removing the parenting role effect him?

I question my own motives. Why do I want a child? What do I want for my life in general?
Sometimes I picture myself living in a small cottage off the grid. Gardening, working in a small town. In this scenario I am perfectly content and yet I am always alone.

Someone once said the following and I carry the thought with me always:

In life, I regret the things I did not do more then the things I did and maybe should not have.

I don't think you can get through a good life without regrets. It wouldn't be living if you did. You'd have done nothing. No risk, no loss, no expectations, no passion.
At the end of the day I still feel as though I am standing at this cross roads. With infertility I had to wait for the doctor to push me down a path. Now I wait for the system to give me a shove.
And then I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens if they really do show up and repo the goods. It will definitely move me down another path, but the push might have the force of a mac truck, injuring me past recovery.

be still my beating heart

This post title is two fold.
First off, the DHEA is making my heart race. I dropped down to 25mg twice a day instead of three times and will see if I can chill out for awhile. So far I can't tell it's doing anything, then again, I'm not sure I'll really see any effects. I bought a three month supply and will stick to it. After those 90 days I may call it another failed experiment and move on.

Second off, biomom went AWOL from outpatient treatment.
Evil **YEAY*** inserted here.
CM came by for a visit and mentioned she was going to have to do a drop-in to one of mom's visits because she hasn't made contact with mom. Stated she's sent letters and tried calling her at the outpatient facility. no response. I thought this was strange because mom isn't like that. I dismissed it.
Then the worker who does his visits mentioned she had difficulty contacting mom to confirm the visit, and the outpatient facility stated she wasn't there.
I am unclear if she was never there or if she went and left.
Either way it goes against her treatment plan.

As a CM, EVERY parent I had that didn't follow their plan relapsed.
EVERY ONE.

So now I hope, which is sad, but oh well. I'm over feeling guilty for wishing bad things on a bad parent. If her relapsing means I get to keep my Sweet Pea, I'll wish on every star in the galaxy. After all, she's an adult who can make her own decisions. So really, no amount of my wishing will have any real effect, but it will sure make me feel better!

Not much else to report. He's teething again but nothing I can see so far. I think it's his top teeth working their way down.
Started on solids and he's a piggy. Sometimes worry he eats too much!
He loves the mesh baggy.... I've put peaches in it, which he pulverized, but mostly the toddler poofs. He likes to chew on them and then sucks on it once they are mush. He screams when it's gone or he drops it. He's still got some kind of short circuit on his hand eye coordination. Like he does not realize he can hold onto it and put it in his own mouth. Instead, he will sit there like a bird with his mouth wide wide wide open until you put it in there for him.
It's quite comedic. I think he's just being a lazy daisy.

I can't believe I'm sooooo far behind on the blog.
And I have no excuse.
So I will not bother with any.

Let's see if I can sum up the past -almost- month for any of you still checking in here~

On Friday the 13th, SP (Sweet Pea) stopped crying at the visit. Initially, I chocked it up to the date. But then the next week he was quiet again.
So I let the girls who supervise the visits (they are not parent aides, not with CPS, just dummies for hire who 'supervise' the visits while texting and doing absolutely NOTHING so I don't know what to call them other then the girls who supervise the visits (and I use supervise ever so lightly)) I would no longer be transporting SP.

One girl was cool, the other not so much. Tried to talk me into transporting one way giving me a sob story about how she was coming from far away and may not have time to pick him up and make it to the visit on time. I politely informed her that the only reason I transported until now was SP's unexplained screaming. Now that he was his normal happy self, I no longer desired to spend money on gas, put miles on my car, or use any of my time.

Although I must admit that for all my talk about asserting yourself, I kind took a chicken approach and mentioned the above reasons, but put a lot of emphasis on the fact that mom doesn't want me at the visits so I'd really like to take myself out of the equation entirely. Which is true, but let's face it, I seriously could give a shit what bio-mom thinks.
Anyhoo.

So the boy goes to visits with bio-mom and siblings two days in a row, two hours a time. This gives me about 3 hours of alone time two days in a row to splurge and do stuff. You know, like mopping the floor. Uninterrupted. Woo hoo.

Nothing else new on the case part of things. Mom still in in-patient, still has yet to test her sober legs in the real world. Still a lot of work to be done, a lot more time to bond with SP hoping she screws up.

SP is rolling over all the time, often when he doesn't really mean or want to. This also happens at night, which is really exciting when he wakes up all freaked out and screaming because he can't flip back over.
I know this will pass, we went through it with baby boy.

He's 6 months old as of yesterday and has 2 teeth on the bottom. Early for this development.
He loves loves loves going swimming and we're in the pool almost every evening. So much so that my hubs thought to ask "When's the last time SP had a bath?"
hmmmmmmmm. Isn't his 30 minute dip in our saltwater pool a bath? He doesn't come out smelling quite as good, but........

He goes underwater, floats, splashes and jumps. And all the while smiling like a fool! Water baby for sure.
The jumping spread from the pool to the indoors, where sadly, gravity has a much stronger pull. my poor thighs are black and blue, and a ghastly shade of white, but that's natural.
Into the jumperoo you go!
Now he jumps in the jumperoo, and will fall asleep with his little legs still going. It's so cute!

What else.....
Transitioned him from the swings to the crib for naps, am able to put him in the crib awake and walk away and he'll go to sleep on his own.
Food.

As he turned 6 months, he's officially able to start on food. Let me tell ya, this kid acts like he's been starving to death for the past 6 months.
Actually grabbed the spoon in my hand to shove it in his mouth quicker. Whined between bites because I wasn't fast enough.
I have a feeling we'll be transitioning from the oatmeal to REAL baby food in record speed.

As for me, I started taking DHEA. Read a bunch of fairly recent studies on it's positive effects on egg productivity, so I figured I'd give it a shot.
What's really interesting is the first two side effects are fatigue and acne.
So what you're telling me is that I may have better egg production but I'll be too tired and disgusting looking to want to have sex.
Yeeeeah. Great.
Thus far have definitely gotten the fatigue part. I sleep like a log and am tired all the time. Also got the acne, which is not so great, either.
Both are getting better, and I hope they will continue to do so, or I may just forget it.

There have been several people picked for adoption recently and we're considering that route. We aren't making any decisions for at least 6 months because it will take at least that long to see what's going to happen with SP's case. If we find out he's 99% sure going back to mom, I'll go back to work ~ to make that 30 grand a private adoption will cost us. SP will go to daycare, paid for by the state, which is fine b/c if he goes to mom he'll be in daycare, anyway.
I'll make some money (very slowly since I don't get paid didly as a social worker) and we'll get on the waiting list.

I must admit it feels good to have a plan B. I have lost some faith in the system, so I need something else. I already knew about the system flaws, but truly thought my connections would pay off somehow and we'd get a permanent placement more quickly. Oh well.
And plan C is still to find that one good egg hiding up in there somewhere. I haven't let go of the pregnancy dream. It's not a major focus, but not out of my system.

too much time on my hands

I've always been a bit of a daydreamer. OK. That's an understatement. I am a major daydreamer. Being creative makes it all the more interesting. Being a stay at home parent makes it all the more frequent.

This week I've been having a reoccurring fantasy that I lose my memory. Car accident, slip and fall walking, the damage comes in different forms. Some of the time I am hurt and in the hospital, some of the time I am fine except for the brain damage. Every once in awhile I take it a step further and imagine I lost 50lbs and all my wrinkles disappeared.....

Then I have to find out who I am by finding out who I was. I send out a group e-mail to everyone in my contact list asking for people to volunteer their time to fill me in.

But really, I HAVE my memory. This is a ploy to find out what people really think about me. To see why ex boyfriends are, well, exed. To find out why I don't talk to this friend anymore and why the other one still puts up with me.

Some of the time I truly lose my memory and have to start over. I have to decide if the new me still loves my husband, wants to do foster care or even have children, etc etc.

I know there's been movies about this sort of thing and a few TV shows, but it's all new and genuine when it's scripted in my head.

How about you. What's your daydream/fantasy? Either your current or favorite, inquiring minds want to know~

good, bad, ugly

Today was the first visit between Sweet Pea and his mom without my presence.
We have good news and bad news.

Good news~
The girl who transported and supervised is awesome. She was at one of the visits a while back in which he screamed the entire time, so she knew the potential for meltdown. We discussed it in advance and she understood why I was concerned. OK. not just understood. She acknowledged it.

***That sounds stupid but other foster parents can attest that acknowledgement of our concerns is hard to come by.***

She asked some good questions, including how Sweet Pea is with strangers. I had to say that I didn't know. I am always with him! If I'm not with him, he's with my husband, and then usually at home. So I wasn't sure how he'd do even with her.
I sent toys and stuff to keep him occupied and distracted.
I put him in his own car seat.
He had a long nap and a big bottle right before leaving for the visit.
He was in a great mood.

Bad news~
Mom was 40 minutes late.
He screamed within 60 seconds of her arrival.
He continued to scream the rest of the visit.

Back to the good news~
He didn't cry in the car.
He was laughing and playing with the case aide before mom's arrival.
This shows that sadly, he hates his mom. She is the only person that he freaks out about.
The case aide is documenting all of this.
She told me mom kept making her comments that 'he needs to get to know me again' (she did this all the time with me and I just kept my big mouth shut) and the case aide called her on it. She told her he'd never even seen her before and was perfectly fine. mom cried.

The ugly~
So yeah, it's sad he had to be traumatized by the visits. But I cannot tell you how peaceful it feels knowing it's not me, it's her.
I kinda feel like an asshole.
But not really.

We'll see how it goes from here. I know they will continue to do the one hour visit with just Sweet Pea and Mom, but no word on how the 2 hour visit with all the kids will play out. I just don't see how a single case aide is going to supervise the visit and juggle Sweet Pea while he screams his head off.

And more good news, I think I'm making some progress on self soothing at bedtime. Last night and thus far tonight, he's put himself to sleep. I am knocking on wood and so should you. Really. Find some wood. Give it a knuckle. Now. Please.

DING DING DING

IIIIIIIInnnnnnnnnnn THIS corner, standing five feet four inches weighing in at I have no idea, it's BIOMOM~

AAAAAAnnnnnnnnnd in THIS corner, standing five feet five inches weighing in at none of your damn business, it's FOSTERMOM~

ding ding ding

***Do you have any children?***

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN BIOMOM HAS TAKEN THE FIRST SWING AND IT'S A DOOZY

***When you do you'll be a great Mom ***

BIOMOM HAS LANDED THE PUNCH! FOSTERMOM IS LOOKING DISORIENTED AND WE'RE ONLY IN THE FIRST ROUND!

IT'S ROUND TWO.... LET'S SEE IF FOSTERMOM CAN COME BACK FROM BIOMOM'S HARD RIGHT HOOK AT INFERTILITY!

***I don't want fostermom coming to visits anymore ***

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN BIOMOM HAS COME OUT SWINGING!

***I don't like that fostermom acts like she's Sweet Pea's Mom when she's not ***

OH NO!!! BIOMOM JUST THREW THE HEART PUNCH OF THE CENTURY!!
FOSTERMOM LOOKS AS THOUGH SHE MIGHT BE OUT OF THE FIGHT!

***Even though Sweet Pea screams the whole visit, won't let me hold him or feed him, and cries when I make eye contact with him, I'm his biomom and I don't have to let fostermom attend ***

AND SHE'S DONE IT!!!! IT APPEARS BIOMOM HAS LEVELED FOSTERMOM WHO IS LAYING ON THE MAT MOTIONLESS!!!
DESPITE HER METHAMPHETAMINE USE WHILE PREGNANT, DESPITE HAVING SEVEN CHILDREN WHO ARE NOT IN HER CARE, DESPITE HAVING THE COMMON SENSE OF AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CHILD........

THERE'S NO TELLING HOW OR IF FOSTERMOM WILL BE ABLE TO COME BACK FROM THIS! THE TEN COUNT HAS BEGUN!
WAIT!!! THERE'S MOVEMENT ON THE MAT!

NEVER MIND LADIES AND GENTLEMAN. THAT COULD POSSIBLY BE THE LAST BITS OF SANITY OR EMOTION SEIZING OUT OF FOSTERMOM'S BODY, OR MAYBE TREMORS OF PAIN FROM THOSE INFERTILITY PUNCHES.

EITHER WAY FOLKS IT'S NOT LOOKING GOOD FOR FOSTERMOM~